


Shadows Past and Present Scars

by JessieBwriting



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Action/Adventure, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Minor Isabela/Merrill - Freeform, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Self-Harm, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:05:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 133,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessieBwriting/pseuds/JessieBwriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shadow wanted nothing more than to remain, well, a shadow. But after being a hero one too many times, she finds herself dead center in a war she wanted nothing to do with.</p><p>I do not own the world of Dragon Age.  Though that would be cool.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing fanfiction and I'm a little nervous. Criticism is welcomed and encouraged.

She fell to her knees, dropping her bow before collapsing completely into the snow. She knew that she needed to get to her pack and quickly. She had already lost too much blood and she couldn’t risk letting infection set in. But the pain was too great and she just needed a moment of rest. She barely felt the cold and while a part of her knew that was a bad sign, she couldn’t bring herself to care. _I just need to catch my breath. I’ll get up in a moment_ , she thought as she closed her eyes.

“She’s this way!” She felt panicked as she heard the child’s voice. _Why is she back? There still more of them about! Stupid, stupid girl!_ She tried to get up, keeping her eyes closed, as the girl’s voice grew closer and was startled to hear more voices join. She almost got to her feet before collapsing facedown again as the pain seemed to have decided to gather in her head.

“There she is! There she is!” She felt warmth through her wet and shredded clothing as she was gently rolled onto her back. She hissed as the movement caused the pain to flare up again.

A voice as gentle as the hands that now checked the extent of her injuries said, “Easy, child. You’re among friends now.” She felt as a bottle was placed on her lips and she instinctively drank the liquid that poured out of it. She coughed as it burned down her throat but sighed as her the pain began to lessen.

“What is your name, child?” the voice asked.

It took a moment for her to speak as she was still fighting to stay conscious, but she was finally able to answer. “Shadow,” she whispered.

“I am Justinia. Sleep now, Shadow. You’re safe.”

Safe or not, she couldn’t stop the darkness from claiming her mind anymore.

_Three weeks later._

Running, climbing, got to get away.

_Why is it always spiders?_

A woman of light ahead.

Hand reaching, grasping.

Green light flashes.

Voices shouting.

Then darkness once again.


	2. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take this time to state for the record that I don't own anything pertaining to Bioware and Dragon Age. There, done. Anyway, this chapter may seem rushed because it was. I didn't want to skip it completely, but I also didn't want to focus on it too much other wise this would've been way longer and possibly cut up into multiple chapters.

            When she had awoken and found herself in shackles, Shadow was understandably worried.

            When she discovered the strange mark on her left hand that gave off a creepy green glow and caused her to feel a white hot pain when it flared, she was understandably freaked out.

            _What the fuck is going on?_

Just then, the door to her cell opened and two women entered.  One wore a hood and hung back as the other began to circle Shadow.  “Give me a reason why we shouldn’t kill you now,” the second woman demanded.

            Shadow had plenty of reasons but kept them to herself and continued the staring contest she started with the hooded woman.  She highly doubted the angry woman wanted an actual answer.

            Angry continued, proving her right, “The Conclave has been destroyed and everyone is dead.  Except for you!”

            Shadow snapped her attention to Angry.  “What do you mean everyone is dead?” she demanded, fear beginning to truly set in.  _That can’t be true.  There’s no way that can be true._

            Angry ignored her and grabbed her left arm, holding it up.  “Explain this!”  Her actions seemed to do something to upset the strange mark and it once again flared up, causing Angry to release her hold and Shadow to curse under her breath at the pain.  “I can’t,” she growled.  “I don’t know what that is or how it got there!”

            “You’re lying!”  Angry began to lung forward, murder in her eyes, but Hood intercepted her.

            “Cassandra, stop!  We need her!”

            Shadow tried to get the answer she need most.  “Is it true?  Is everyone dead?”

            Hood also ignored her.  “Do you remember what happened?  How this began?”

            Shadow’s fear increased and thus her patience decreased.  “How what began?  The last thing I remember is running and seeing some woman -”

            Hood stepped forward.  “A woman?”          

            “Damnit, someone tell me what the fuck is going on!” Shadow demanded.

            The angry woman, Cassandra, told Hood to go to some camp, calling her Leliana and saying she’d take her to the rift.  Shadow demanded once more for answers and finally the woman relented, saying it would be easier to show her.

 

 

            When Shadow saw the green hole in the sky, she was understandably terrified.

            Cassandra explained to her what the Breach was and that it was expanding and with it the strange mark.  She explained that the mark was killing Shadow but was also possibly the key to dealing with the Breach.

            _Don’t do it.  Nothing good ever comes from you helping others._   “I’ll do what I can.”  _Shit._

 

            Shadow ripped her wrist free of the elf’s grasp.  “What did you do?” she asked, holding her left hand in her right and fighting to not allow the pain to drive her to her knees again.

            The elf shifted his staff to his right hand and gestured with his left.  “I did nothing.  The credit is yours.”  He immediately jumped into an explanation of how he was the one to theorize that the mark could close the rifts.  “It seems you hold the key to our salvation.”

            The pain finally decreased, though it wasn’t completely gone.  When she asked herself, _If it causes me this much pain when closing a small rift, what will it do when I attempt the big one,_ she was understandably filled with dread.

 

            When Shadow first saw the man with the strange cloak, she was understandably irritated.  First, the man congratulates Cassandra on closing the rift when he just clearly saw that it was Shadow who closed it and Cassandra was still referring to her as a prisoner.  And Maker damn it, her hand was literally killing her!

            Then he made the comment about losing people to get her there and she felt sorrow and guilt rip through her.  _No one should be dying because of me._ She tried to reassure him that she was going to give it her all, but he didn’t seem to believe her and after speaking with Cassandra, gave Shadow a distrustful look before running to help one of his men.

            She felt a hand touch her arm and she looked down to see that the dwarf, Varric, was now standing next to her.  “Don’t take Curly’s words to heart, kid.  He’s just terrified like the rest of us.”

 

 

            After the vision had faded, Shadow found herself with more questions than answers.  What was the thing that was harming the Divine?  Who was it talking to? 

            But there was no time to ponder such questions because a freaking pride demon had come out of the massive rift and was trying to stomp on everyone!  And some smaller demons kept showing up, making it all the more difficult to fight the big one.  Shadow discovered that while she couldn’t close the rift when so many demons were coming through, she could apparently manipulate it and cause the existing demons to collapse for a moment.  With this knowledge, they were able to bring down the pride demon.

            “Close it quickly!  Before more come through!” The apostate elf, Solas, yelled.

            Shadow aimed her marked hand at the rift and began to close it like the others.  She couldn’t hold back the scream this time when the pain ripped through her body.  She felt herself fall to her knees but kept her hand up, refusing to stop now.  Her vision began to dim and she fought to stay conscious.  _Oh no you don’t._   After what was surely an eternity of pain, she felt something snap and her body go flying.

            When she hit the ground and felt everything draining away, she understandably accepted the peace darkness brought her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously though, I love Cullen but I was very irritated with him that first meeting.
> 
> Criticism is welcomed but I can handle praise as well. :)


	3. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has a mention of self-harm. There will be more mentions in future chapters and there will be actual self-harm in later chapters.

            When Shadow once again found herself struggling to regain consciousness, she discovered she was in a more comfortable setting than last time.  _That’s a welcomed change._ Before she had a chance to really look around the cabin, she heard something heavy hit the ground and the sound of glass breaking.  She quickly sat up, ignoring the protest her sore muscles gave, and saw that there was a young elf in the room with her.

            “I’m sorry!” she squeaked.  “I didn’t know you were awake, I swear!”

            “Why are you -” Shadow stopped when the elf suddenly dropped to her knees and bowed her head.

            “I beg your forgiveness and your blessing.  I’m but a humble servant.”

            Hearing those words sent chills through Shadow and she had to bite her tongue to prevent the harsh “stop” that threatened to erupt from her throat.  Instead, she remained silent as the girl explained that they were in Haven and that the Breach was no longer growing.  “Like the mark on your hand.”

            Shadow looked at her left hand which was indeed still giving off that creepy green glow.  _At least it didn’t hurt._ A sharp pain caused the hand to flinch.  _Okay, at least it wasn’t actively trying to kill me._

            She looked up again as the girl said that Cassandra wanted to meet with her in the Chantry “At once” before running out the cabin door.  For a moment, Shadow just stood there, so many questions swirling around in her that she couldn’t think straight.

            **_It isn’t real._**   Shadow clenched her fists when the dark words whispered in her mind.  She looked around the cabin and saw a chest in a corner.  She opened it and saw that her original clothes were inside along with a bow and a couple of small daggers.  **_None of this is real._**   Shaking, she reached for one of the daggers.

            _Why do you harm yourself, child?_   Shadow froze as Justinia’s words echoed in her mind.  She closed her eyes and took a few calming breaths, focusing on those kinder words.  Gradually, the ever present dark words receded back to the furthest corner of her mind and she was able to relax again.  _I have to keep my promise,_ she thought.

            She quickly dressed in her clothes and placed the daggers in the hidden sheathes in her boots.  She picked up the bow and found a quiver full of arrows next to the chest.  She quickly strapped the quiver to her back and made her way to the door.  She hesitated when she heard what sounded like a larger crowd waiting just outside.

            Still not sure what was going on and whether or not she was still a suspect for what happened at the Conclave, Shadow decided that it might be better to go out the side window instead.  After expertly slipping out, she kept hidden behind cabins and tents while following the wooden wall, looking for a place to climb it without being seen.

            _I’ve got to get out of here while I can._   She soon found herself near the Chantry and discovered that the wall was lower here.  She was just about to leap and climb over when she glanced behind her one last time and caught sight of the Breach.

            Shadow thought back to what the elf had said.  No longer growing.  Not gone.  Just not growing bigger.  She glanced at her hand where the green light faintly shined through the material of her glove. 

_Cassandra, stop!  We need her!_

_It seems you hold the key to our salvation._

_We’ve lost a lot of people getting you here._

           Shadow ran a hand through her hair.  “Shit.”  She gave the wooden wall one last glance and started for the Chantry.  She flipped up her hood as she approached the larger crowd in front of the larger building and no one even glanced at her.  They were all too busy whispering excitedly amongst themselves and she was able to slip inside.

          She sighed with relief at the lack of people inside and began walking around, pushing back her hood and wondering where the angry woman, what was her name, Cassandra, was.  As she drew closer to the back, she could hear shouting coming from within one of the rooms.  Taking a deep breath, she cautiously opened the door.

          She entered the room and found Cassandra and the hooded woman standing behind a rather large table and a man stood off to the side of the room.  Shadow recognized him from before when she had been forced to make a decision about what route to take to the Breach.  He looked just as angry now as he did then.

          He pointed a finger at her.  “Who gave the prisoner weapons?  Chain her!  I want her prepared for travel to the capital for travel.”

          Shadow began to reach for an arrow when two guards came up behind her.

          “Disregard that and leave,” Cassandra ordered.  When the guards left and closed the door behind them, only then did Shadow relax.  She stood back as the Chantry man began arguing with Cassandra, who made it clear she no longer suspected Shadow.  _That’s a relief_ , she thought.  At one point the hooded woman got involved in the argument, also stating she believed her innocent, but the look she gave Shadow made her think that she was still suspicious of her.

          As the argument escalated, Cassandra suddenly threw down a book onto the table.  “This is a writ from the Divine, granting us the authority to act.  To recreate the Inquisition.”

         Shadow began to worry that the man was going to become ill when he turned an unhealthy shade of red.  But instead of saying anything, he stomped out of the room.

         Hood glanced at the book.  “Are you sure Cassandra?  We have no leader, no numbers, and now no Chantry support.”

         Cassandra stood firm.  “We also have no choice.  We must act.”  She turned to Shadow.  “With you at our side.”

         Shadow held up her hands.  “I don’t want to become involved in a war.”

         “You are already involved.  Its mark is upon you.”  Cassandra pointed at her hand.

         Shadow glanced at it.  “You have a point there.”

         Hood waved her hand at the door.  “You can leave if you wish though.  You _are_ no longer a prisoner.”

         Cassandra added, “But there are still others who see you as guilty and we can only protect you if you are with us.”

         Shadow almost smiled at that.  She didn’t need protection.  If she wished, she could disappear and none would be able to find her.  “When I woke up, I didn’t expect to be joining anything.  I was just happy not to be joining the dead.”

        Hood gave a small smile, “As are we.”

       Cassandra held out her hand.  “Help us.  Before it’s too late.”

       Shadow stared at the outstretched hand, knowing she had made her decision before ever stepping foot in the Chantry.  She grabbed the woman’s hand.  “I’ll stay.”


	4. Three

            After agreeing to stay, Hood suggested that Shadow rest for the remainder of the day and that they would meet again the next day.  Shadow agreed, noticing for the first time just how sore her body was.  _That’s what happens when you lie around for three days straight and then run about without stretching first._  

           Cassandra walked her back to her cabin, which Shadow was very grateful for as she had forgotten about all the people.  They all seemed to be waiting for her to do something, many bowing their heads as she walked past.  She resisted the urge to slip into stealth and kept her eyes on the ground.  Thankfully, no one approached them, but she suspected that was due to Cassandra’s presence.  After making it back to the cabin and Cassandra left, promising to have some food sent over, Shadow took her gear back off and slipped into the bed, instantly falling asleep.

 

 

          Cullen walked into the war room, finding Leliana and Josephine already there.  He nodded in greeting as he rounded the table, taking his place behind it.  “Where is Lady Cassandra?” he asked, used to being the last to arrive.

          Josephine replied, “Making sure that our newest member actually shows today.”

         Cullen sighed.  The day before, they were supposed to gather before everyone in Haven to announce the reinstatement of the Inquisition.  But the woman hadn’t shown, leading some to wonder if she had decided to leave after all.  Cassandra later discovered that she hadn’t left but was hiding in the small library in the Chantry.  She claimed she just forgot about the meeting, but no one bought the excuse.

        “Let us hope she hasn’t decided to take off after all,” he grumbled.

 

 

        “Just because I missed one meeting, I need an escort?” Shadow grumbled, still a little irritated at being rudely awakened just minutes earlier.

       “When it’s the very first meeting, yes,” Cassandra answered, clearly just as irritated.

 _Well the first meeting shouldn’t have been taking place in front of so many people._   They entered the Chantry and made their way to the war room.  Shadow felt a now familiar sting and stared at her left hand.  Cassandra glanced at it before asking, “Does it trouble you?”

       Shadow shrugged.  “A little bit of pain is preferable to dying.”  She sighed, “I just wished I knew what it was or how it got on my hand.”

       “As do we.  And I am confident we will discover those answers.  But it is fortunate that your mark is now stable.  As is the Breach.”

       “But not gone.”  Shadow glared at the mark.  “I gave it my all and it wasn’t enough.”

       “Solas believes that with enough power, a second attempt might be successful.  Though that will be difficult to come by.”

       Shadow laughed, “What could possibly go wrong with adding more power to something we know nothing about?”  She blinked in surprise when Cassandra smirked.

       “Hold on to that sense of humor.”  She pushed open the door to the war room and marched in ahead of Shadow.  Taking a deep breath, she followed.

        Hood was already there as was another woman she hadn’t met, the two of them standing at opposite ends of the large table.  Directly across the table from her was the man with the strange coat.  Upon meeting his gaze, Shadow felt a jolt go through her and froze.  The first time she met him she hadn’t noticed how _big_ he was.  _Of course he’s_ big _you idiot.  He’s wearing armor._   But armor didn’t make a man’s eyes appear golden…  She noticed the man staring at her in surprise and she quickly looked away.

       Cullen did a double take at seeing the woman again.  He hadn’t really looked at her the first time he saw her a few days ago.  He hadn’t noticed how small she was, her head the same height as his shoulders.  He hadn’t noticed how short her black hair was, hanging just below her chin.  Nor had he noticed how green her eyes were.  When she looked away, he realized that he had been staring and felt himself blush.

       Cassandra began the introductions, redirecting Shadow’s attention.  “This is Lady Josephine Montilyet, our ambassador.”

       The woman to her right smiled.  “A pleasure to meet you, Lady Shadow.”

       Shadow narrowed her eyes.  _Wait a minute…_

       “You’ve already met the leader of the Inquisition’s forcers, Commander Cullen,” Cassandra continued.  Distracted from her line of thought, Shadow felt her attention drawn once more to the man.

       “Though it was only for a moment,” Cullen said, giving her a small smile.  “I’m glad to see you are well.”

       “And present, no?” Josephine joked.  Cullen shot her a glare.

       Cassandra gestured toward Hood.  “You’ve also already met Sister Leliana.”

       “My position involves a degree of-” the woman began.

       “She’s our spymaster,” Cassandra finished. 

        Leliana rolled her eyes.  “Tactfully put, Cassandra.”        

       “That’s quite a lot of impressive titles for one room.”  Shadow hardened her gaze on Cassandra who did herself credit by not react to the sudden change in her expression.  “I don’t, however, remember sharing my name.”

       “ _You_ didn’t.  But the Divine did.”

        Shadow turned back to Leliana, shock on her face.  “What?”

        Cassandra continued for her, “In one of her final letters to us, she informed Leliana and I of a new guest at the temple who had been injured rescuing one of the Chantry’s orphan charges from a pack of wolves.  Your wounds were serious it seems but you were doing well when she finally sent us word of you.”

        Leliana added, “She purposely waited to inform us of you because she knew we’d be suspicious.”

        Shadow raised an eyebrow, “Considering how you all were just a few days ago, I can see why she would make that assumption.”

        Josephine quickly began talking so as to stay on topic, “Yes, well, while she was willing to give every detail on your wounds’ healing progress and how you appeared to be bonding with the child you saved” Cullen noticed how Shadow flinched at the mention of the child “she only told us your first name.  We were going to try and inform your family you were safe but without a last name -”

       “I don’t have one.”

        Josephine blinked.  “Family?”

       “No.  Well, I don’t have one of those either, but I meant I don’t have a last name.  Shadow is it.”

       “But -”

       “Perhaps we should focus on more pressing matters.”  Leliana gave Josephine a look.

 _And now it’s awkward,_ Shadow thought, but she still felt grateful at not having to explain all that.  Not yet anyway.

        Leliana continued, “Cassandra informed us of Solas’ theory about the mark needing more power to close the Breach.  We should immediately approach the rebel mages for help.”

        Cullen shook his head.  “I disagree.  The templars would serve just as well.”

       “It is power we need Commander.  By pouring magic into the mark -”

       “Could kill us all!” Cullen argued, cutting Cassandra off.  “The templars could weaken the Breach.”

       “Pure speculation,” Leliana said.

       “Isn’t everything at this point?” Shadow asked.  She held up her hands when everyone looked at her.  “I’m just saying.”

       “We can’t approach either group anyway, as neither is willing to speak with us,” Josephine said.  “And the Chantry has officially denounced the Inquisition.  Especially you.”  She gestured at Shadow.

      Shadow shrugged, “That didn’t take long.”

      Cullen sighed, feeling very frustrated, “Don’t they have better things to do, such as finding a new Divine?”

       Josephine scribbled something down on her clipboard, “They are frightened.”  She looked at Shadow.  “Some are calling you ‘the Herald of Andraste’.  The Chantry has declared this blasphemy and us heretics for harboring you.”

     “Back up.  Why are people calling me ‘the Herald of Andraste’?”

     “They saw how you stopped the Breach from growing and have heard how there was a woman behind you when you fell out of the Fade.  They believe that was Andraste,” Cassandra explained.

     “That’s quite the title,” Cullen said, playing back on her earlier joke.  “How do you feel about that?”

      He wasn’t prepared for the panic that appeared in her eyes.  It was only there for a moment before she took a deep breath and the panic was replaced with only a look of nervousness.  “I’m not sure I like it.  Feels like it’s only painted a bigger target on my back.”  She felt guilt wash over her when a thought entered her mind.  “Wait, so if I wasn’t with the Inquisition -”

      Cullen held up a hand, cutting her off.  “They would have censured us no matter what.”

      Leliana said, “Though we may be unable to approach anyone for help with the Breach at the moment, there is something you can do.”  She told Shadow about a Mother Giselle who had agreed to talk to her and Cullen and Josephine both said something about recruiting people.  But she couldn’t seem to focus on what they were saying.

_“The Herald of Andraste”!  Who in their right mind could possibly think that is true?  I’m the last person Andraste would choose to be her Herald._

**_That is how you know none of this is real._ **

      Cullen noticed Shadow’s fingers twitch, almost as if she was going for the dagger at her belt.  He looked to her face and found her eyes filled with fear.

      Before he could say anything, Cassandra began to speak, “We will leave in two days for the Hinterlands.  That should give us plenty of time to prepare for the journey and give the Herald time to rest some more.  While we’re gone, think of other options for dealing with the Breach.  Closing it is our primary concern at the moment.”  Cassandra looked at Shadow, noticing for the first time that she was slightly trembling.  “Are you all right, Herald?”

      Shadow gave a weak smile and started backing off.  “I’m fine.  Just need to rest.  Must still be recovering from the, uh, other day.”  Before anyone could say anything else, she was running out the door.  Cassandra quickly followed but stopped short at the door.

     “She’s gone!”

      Leliana smiled.  “She is incredibly talented with stealth.  Must be how she earned her name.  Even my best agents have been having difficulty keeping an eye on her.”

      “Something is troubling her.”  Leliana turned toward Cullen when he spoke.

      “I imagine her new title terrifies her.  She doesn’t seem to like being noticed by others, as evident when she goes out of her way to avoid large crowds of people or hides her face when avoidance isn’t possible.”

       Josephine’s eyes widened with understanding.  “That is why she didn’t show yesterday.”

      Cullen wasn’t convinced that was all there was to it.  Because he recognized that particular fear he saw in her eyes.  It’s a fear one feels when struggling with some inner darkness.  A fear he’s seen in the eyes of many men. 

       A fear he himself knew all too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of Shadow's comments made outside of game dialogue are actually comments I made when playing the game. Such as when Leliana says "pure speculation". I was like, seriously? And using magic wasn't! It's moments like this that I'm sure is leading my roommate to believe that I'm crazy.


	5. Four

            The day before leaving for the Hinterlands, Shadow was fed up with resting.  She needed to do something, anything.  She wanted to go hunting, to run through the trees and to just be truly alone.  But that idea was quickly shot down by Cassandra.  Feel even more frustrated than before, Shadow took herself to the archers’ practice dummies set up just outside Haven’s walls.

            Glaring at her target and taking a deep breath, she set up her shot.  She gently drew, pulling the arrow and string back to her anchor point.  After a couple of seconds, she released both the arrow and her breath at once. 

 _Thunk!_   Shadow smiled in satisfaction at the sight of seeing the arrow resting dead center of the dummy’s chest.

           “Nice shot.”  She turned and saw the dwarf, Varric, standing behind her.  He smiled and held up his crossbow, “Mind if I join you?”

           She sighed but nodded.  He set up across from the dummy next to her’s and took aim.  “Now that Cassandra’s currently not breathing down your neck, how are you holding up?”  He shot off a bolt and it struck the dummy in the neck.  “You went from the most wanted criminal in all of Thedas to joining the armies of the faithful and becoming the Herald of Andraste in one day.  Most would’ve tried spreading that out.”

           “I would’ve preferred to have skipped the first and avoided the third.  But I guess I’m just happy to be alive.”  She let another arrow fly, striking her target in the neck as well.

           Varric laughed, “I’m just surprised you survived Cassandra’s wrath.  Lucky she’s changed her mind about you.”  A bolt struck a dummy’s head.

           “I’ve survived worse.  You should be more concerned about her surviving mine.”  An arrow struck the other dummy’s head.

           “Heard she prevented you from running around on your own.”  Varric added a bolt to the center of his target’s chest.  He smirked as Shadow narrowed her eyes at the challenge.

          “I just wanted to go hunting, _alone_ , but she said that for my own safety, one of Leliana’s agents would have to go with me.”  She took aim and quickly shot of arrow.  Varric whistled as it sliced through her first arrow.  “I can take care of myself,” she grumbled.

          “You don’t have to convince me.”  Varric took a step back and turned toward her.  “I still can’t believe you survived that.”  He gestured at the Breach.

          Shadow tilted her head, regarding him with curiosity.  “Why did you stay?” she asked.  “Cassandra said you could go.”

          “I like to think I’m as irresponsible and selfish as the next guy, but thousands of people died up on that mountain and I could’ve been one of them.  Now there’s a hole in the sky.”  He shook his head.  “Even I can’t walk away and hope it works itself out.”

          He secured his crossbow to his back and gave Shadow a serious look.  “But if I were you, I might consider running.  I’ve written enough tragedies to recognize where this is going.”

          Shadow gave him a small smile.  “I already tried.”

          Varric’s eyes widened.  “Really?  What stopped you?”

          She looked at the mark and then back at the Breach.  “I couldn’t leave knowing I had the only way to close it.”

         “HERALD!”  They both turned and saw Cassandra standing at the entrance to Haven.  “If you two are finished, there’s a few things we should go over before tomorrow!”  Without waiting for a reply, she disappeared inside.

         “Want to come with us to the Hinterlands?” Shadow asked Varric.

         “Are you asking because you want someone there to keep you from killing the Seeker?”

        “Yes.”

 

  

         Turned out that just having Varric there kept Cassandra off of Shadow’s back as she was too irritated by his presence.  Solas also joined them on the journey and like Shadow, he kept to himself initially.  But she quickly got bored with just listening to Varric teasing Cassandra, and began asking him questions about the Fade.  He seemed surprised by her willingness to talk, which didn't bother her.  She knew that she came across as antisocial and used that many times in the past to avoid certain situations, but she didn’t _mind_ talking to others as long as the conversation didn't approach certain topics about her past.

         It took a few of days of travel before they reached the Hinterlands and the darkness never rose up in her mind during that time.

 

 

         Cullen looked up from the map when he heard Leliana laugh.

        “What?”

        “The Herald is feeling a little irritated it seems.”  At his questioning look, she handed him the report she received that day from the Hinterlands.

 

_Nightingale,_

_I’m calling bullshit on writing you reports one of my duties.  I think Angry just wants to get back at me for inviting Gabby along.  I’ve also been informed that names have to be coded which sounds ridiculous because I’m sure anyone who intercepts these would know who’s who anyway._

_By the way, the fighting between the mages and templars has gotten way worse down here. Not sure how we’re going to get either side to work with us if they keep fucking attacking us just because we’re there.  After helping out our head scout’s men (yes, no code name, I’m not as clever as Gabby at this and I refuse to use the one he suggested) we were able to get to the Chantry woman.  Talked with her a bit.  She’s heading for Haven (may even get there before the damn bird, stupid thing pecked me!) so I’ll let her fill you in on that._

_Now I’m off to kick some mage and templar ass and get us some horses._

_~~Shadow~~ _

_~~Herald~~ _

_You know who the fuck I am._

 

         Cullen smiled.  The Herald was definitely irritated.  “Has our Ambassador read this yet?”

         Leliana shook her head, a smile still on her face.  “Not yet.  I look forward to her reaction.”

         Cullen chuckled as he handed the report back.  “Just how did Mother Giselle beat one of your birds here?”

         “The Herald waited a rather long time to actually send her report.  According to other reports I’ve received from the area, she ran about the Crossroads, helping the refugees.  Interesting that she left that out of her own report.”

         Cullen nodded, returning his eyes to the map, though his thoughts remained on the Herald.  Interesting indeed.  For someone who acted as if she didn’t like being around others, she was very willing to lend a helping hand.  Though her leaving it out of the report wasn’t surprising.  He had noticed that she tried to keep much of herself hidden from others, something that was nearly impossible now that she was the Herald.  He suspected that was why she was truly irritated.

        He rubbed at his forehead in a futile attempt to lessen the pain there.  He caught Leliana giving him that look again, the one where it felt she was trying to detect any and every weakness he had.  “Have you been able to gather any information on the Herald’s past?” he asked, hoping to get her to stop looking at him like that.

        Leliana frowned.  “No.  It is almost like she never existed before the Divine found her.”

        Cullen noted the hint of suspicion in her voice.  “Are you second guessing our decision that she is innocent?”

        “No.  I firmly believe she isn’t responsible for what happened at the Conclave.”

        “But…” 

        “But it is in my experience that when someone has such a mysterious past, there is reason for concern.” 

        Cullen straighten, resting his hands on the pommel of his sword.  “Are you worried she may turn on us?”

        Leliana shook her head.  “She almost died to protect a child she didn’t know from a pack of wolves and again to save those who wanted nothing more than to see her dead.  She isn’t the type to turn on those who need help.”

       Cullen frowned.  “Then what exactly are you concerned about?”

       Leliana’s cold blue eyes narrowed.  “When someone has a past as secret as our Herald, it usually means they are running from someone.  I’m concerned that now all of Thedas has its eyes on her, whomever she’s been running from may come for her.”

 

 

_Nightingale,_

_Cleared up the Crossroads._

_Also, found the horse guy.  Got me a horse.  In order to get one for everyone, we’ve got to do a few things first.  Got to build some towers and kill some wolves._

_Lots of rifts out here.  Closed most though there are a few further south we can’t get to yet.  Too many bears that way.  May try heading that way one more time before heading back._

_If Angry sends you her own report telling you about a Druffalo, one I’m done writing reports and two everyone knows you don’t walk up behind a Druffalo._

_~~Shadow~~ _

_~~Sneaky~~ _

_Seriously, can we just stop with the code names?_

 

       After sending off her report, Shadow walked over to the stream to wash the ink from her hands.  As she washed, she listened to Cassandra order people about, setting up another camp for the Inquisition.  Thinking about the last bit of her report, she couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

       “I wondered if you could do that.”  She looked over her shoulder and saw Varric standing just a few feet away.  “I’ve seen you smile and I could’ve sworn you chuckled yesterday when the Seeker about ran into that tree, but I haven’t heard an actual laugh.  And I’ve been trying.”

       Shadow walked over and settled herself on the ground next to him.  “Trying?  Is that your excuse for teasing Cassandra?”

       “Well, that and you did ask me to tag along to prevent you from killing her.  What better way to keep her from irritating you than to irritate her myself?”

        Shadow smiled.  “Thank you for that.”  Of course, she suspected the real reason she hadn’t felt irritated in regards to the Seeker (and even with Varric there, the woman had given her reason to be) was due to the fact that for the last few days, she’s been in her element.  She may not have been alone, but just wandering the Hinterlands has brought her a small sense of freedom.

       “So what was so funny?”

       “Druffalo.”

        Varric threw back his head, letting out a great big laugh.  “That sure was a sight.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything funnier than the Seeker on her ass in the mud.”  Shadow chuckled as she stretched her arms high above her head.

       “Allowing yourself to laugh is a good thing, you know.”  Shadow let her confusion show at his suddenly serious tone.  He continued, “There is a lot of serious shit happening now and a lot of responsibility has suddenly been thrown on your shoulders.  And I suspect that underneath that heavy load is an even heavier load you’ve been carrying around for a long time.” 

       She stiffened when he looked at her arms, exposed because she had rolled up her sleeves to wash.  She quickly pushed them back down, covering the angry scars that marked the pale skin.  But before she could get up to disappear, Varric put a hand to her shoulder, stilling her movements.

      “I’m not asking you to spill your deepest darkest secrets, Sneaky.  I have some of my own I don’t ever plan on telling others.”  She looked him in the eye and saw that there was only kindness where she expected judgement.  “I’m only asking that you allow yourself the chance to relax, to open up a little.  It’s been my experience that the way to survive a mess like this is to not allow yourself to become buried beneath it all.”  He smiled.  “And the best way to do that is to occasionally unburden yourself by talking to the best listener in all of Thedas.”

      Shadow gave him a small smile.  “Know where I can find this great listener?” 

      Varric put a fist over his heart, mimicking being in pain.  “You wound me, Sneaky.”

      Shadow stared at the water, thinking on his words and their similarity to another’s.  _Pain isn’t the only way, child.  Love in its many forms can bring you the same comfort.  Love of family, friends._

_You know I don’t have either of those._

_Are we not friends?_

      Taking her silence as an indicator that she was done talking, Varric turned to leave.

      “Varric?”  He stopped, looked at her, but remained silent.  “I’ve been on my own for a long time and while I have come in contact with many people, I’ve done what I can to keep them at bay so I could continue being alone.”  She looked at him.  “I do have a rather dark past and I’m not sure I could ever really talk about it, but I was told by another recently that that didn’t mean I had to handle it on my own.”

      She turned back to face the water.  “But after living on my own for so long, I’m not quite sure how to make friends.”  She felt irritated when he laughed and looked back to glare at him.

      “What do you think we are?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Shadow is a rather complicated character to write. I hope I'm doing her justice. Time (and maybe comments *fingers crossed*) will tell.
> 
> Who doesn't love Varric? I was so excited when I found out he was one of my companions in Inquisition. Loved him in Dragon Age 2 and he's one of my all time favorite characters.


	6. Five

            Shadow breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing Haven’s walls.  She couldn’t wait to bathe and collapse in a bed.  While used to sleeping on the ground, she wasn’t used to running around for hours on hand and fighting constantly on top of that.  Her body needed an actual bed for a few hours.

            “We’ll want to meet in the war room immediately to discuss our next course of action.”  Shadow fought back a groan at Cassandra’s words and shot her a quick glare.

            “Come on Seeker.  We’re all tired, including you.  Why not put off the meeting while catching a nap?”

            “You need not be present for the meeting, Varric, so you can sleep all you wish.”

            “Any chance I don’t really need to be at this meeting as well?” asked Shadow.

            “No.”

            After settling their horses in the stables, they walked through Haven’s gates.  Instantly, they noticed the crowd gathering in front of the Chantry.

            Varric cursed.  “I don’t think they’re gathering to pray.”

            Cassandra rushed forward and Shadow followed behind, though she made sure she slipped into stealth first.  As they got closer, Shadow saw that the group was split into mages and templars.

            “Your kind killed the Most Holy!” one of the templars shouted.

            One of the mages stepped forward and shouted back, “Lies!  Your kind let her die!”

            Shadow didn’t understand why she began to step forward to intervene when the templar reached for his sword, this was exactly the kind of thing she liked to avoid after all, but her actions proved unnecessary.  Before either man could attack the other, Cullen appeared between the two and pushed them both back.

            “Enough!” he commanded.

            The templar protested, “But Knight-Captain -”

            Cullen glared at the man.  “That is no longer my title!  We are _no longer_ templars!”  He allowed his glare to touch every templar and mage that had gathered.  “We are _all_ part of the Inquisition now.”

            Shadow couldn’t fight the groan this time as she spotted the Chantry man, Chancellor Roderick, approach Cullen.  “And just what does that mean?” he said, loudly so as to be heard by all.  Shadow was still too far back to hear Cullen’s reply, but the Chancellor wasn’t done putting on a show.  “I’m curious, Commander, as to how your Inquisition and its “Herald” will restore order as you’ve promised.”

            Cullen resisted the urge to punch the irritating man and mumbled, “I’m sure you are.”  He looked away from the Chancellor and back to the crowd.  “Back to your duties!” he ordered.  He glared as a few mages and templars lingered.  “ _All_ of you!”

            The crowd quickly scattered but the Chancellor stayed behind, no doubt to cause more trouble.  Shadow noticed Cassandra look around in frustration before running off and remembered she was in stealth.  She decided to continue making use of it and walked up to the two men still arguing.

            “We need a _proper_ authority to guide them back to order!”

            Cullen was finding it more and more difficult to control his temper around the man.  The headache wasn’t helping either.  “Who, you?  Random clerics who weren’t important enough to be at the Conclave?”

            “And a rebel inquisition and its so-called “Herald” is the better choice?  I think not!”

            “Surely we’re not that bad.”  Cullen and the Chancellor jumped in surprise as Shadow appeared suddenly next to them. 

             Cullen couldn’t help but smile at her appearance.  “I’m glad to see you’ve returned safely, Herald.”  His smile fell when she flinched, but was prevented from discovering why when the Chancellor continued playing the pest.

            “You can’t even prevent yourselves from fighting amongst each other!”

             Cullen sighed, “Because that’s never happened in the Chantry.”

             That set the man off on shouting about following tradition and what not.  Ignoring him, Shadow turned to Cullen.  “Why is he even still here?”

             Cullen smirked at the Chancellor when he abruptly stopped talking due to Shadow’s interruption.  “His bark is worse than his bite.  There’s no point in making him a martyr just to shut him up.”

            “There you are!”  They all turned to see Cassandra running toward them.  “You can’t keep pulling these disappearing acts in order to get out of meetings.”

            Shadow put on her most innocent smile.  “What are you talking about?  I’ve been here the whole time.”

            Cassandra glared at Cullen when he chuckled.  “War room.  Now.”  She marched off into the Chantry.

            Shadow sighed in defeat.  “I just want a bath.  Is that so much to ask for?”

            Cullen was startled when he found himself thinking of her naked and felt himself blush. _She the Herald, why are you picturing her nak- STOP IT!_   “I – I’m sure there’ll be time after the meeting for you to, uh, b-bathe.”  _Maker, what is wrong with you?_

            “Surely you have more important things to discuss than bathing.”

            Shadow rounded on the Chancellor.  “We do, but you keep interrupting with your very unimportant thoughts.”  She followed Cassandra’s path into the Chantry.  Cullen paused only a moment before following.

            Once they were all gathered in the war room, they began to discuss their next move.  Or more accurately, argued about it.

            “Having the Herald address the clerics is not a horrible idea.”

            Cullen looked at Josephine in shock.  “You can’t be serious!  Those people would sooner see her dead!”

            She narrowed her eyes at his tone.  “It is just as Mother Giselle told us upon her arrival.  The Chantry’s only strength is that they are united in opinion.” 

           Cullen paced away from the table and back, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration as Leliana spoke next.  “Should we just ignore the threat to the Herald then?”

            Josephine sighed.  “Let’s ask her.”

           Shadow laughed in disbelief.  “Let me get this straight.  You’re asking how I feel about willingly placing myself in front of people who would like me dead?”  She shook her head.  “I’d like to continue avoiding that, thank you.”

          Cassandra took a step forward.  “I will go with you.”

         “ _Will_?”

         Cassandra nodded, “We must go to Val Royeaux.”

         Shadow threw her hands up.  “Why bother asking my opinion then?”

         Cassandra ignored her and spoke to Leliana.  “Mother Giselle offered to provide us names.  Use them.”

         Leliana narrowed her eyes, “Why?  This is nothing but a -”

         “What other choice do we have, Leliana?  We can’t approach anyone for help with the Breach.”

        “Seriously, why do I really even need to be at these meetings?  I could talk to myself just fine in my cabin.”

         Cullen felt himself smile as Shadow continued her mumbling.  But it quickly vanished as Cassandra turned to him, ignoring the mumbling Herald beside her.  “Use what influence we have to call the Clerics together,” she spoke to both him and Josephine.  “Once they are ready, we will see go.”

         Shadow sighed and took a step back toward the door.  “Well, if that’s all then…”

         “There’s one more thing, Herald,” said Leliana.

         Groaning loudly, Shadow glared at Leliana.  “What?”

         “It’s in regards to your past.”

         Cullen was surprised that Leliana was bringing this up now and in front of them all.  When they had discussed the potential threats that could surface from the Herald’s past, he had thought she would ask her about them alone.  Watching the Herald’s reaction to the statement, he found himself hating that Leliana had even brought up the subject.  For as soon as Leliana had spoken, all emotion had vanished from the Herald’s face, her eyes not even conveying what she was feeling.  Her stance was ridged and she was clearly on the defensive.  He hated that she felt she needed to do that.  He wanted to step forward and put a stop to this questioning, to put her back at ease.  He mentally kicked himself for that thought.  _She is a part of the Inquisition.  If there is anything from her past that could be a threat to the Inquisition, we deserve to know._

        “Being the Spymaster, I wouldn’t have thought you’d take the Cassandra route to getting answers.”  Cullen frowned at the neutral tone of her voice.

        “As you are no doubt well aware of, I had no such luck in gathering information on your past.  You’ve done an impressive job in keeping your past a secret.”

         Shadow felt her mask slip a little as she was startled to see that the hooded woman genuinely did seem impressed.  “That almost sounded like a compliment.”

         Leliana smiled, “It was.”  Her smile vanished.  “I understand that you no doubt wish to continue keeping your past a secret -”

        “And we respect that.”  Cullen blushed when everyone turned to face him at his interruption.  “We don’t wish to force you to tell us everything,” he mumbled.  He was thankful that Josephine and Cassandra both nodded in agreement.

         Leliana continued, “True. But with such secrecy comes concerns.”

Realizing that they truly weren’t going to force her to telling them everything, she let her mask slip off and showed her irritation at the verbal dancing Leliana was doing.  “Any chance you’re actually going to ask a question?”

        Glad to see her mask was now gone and not wanting Leliana to say something that would cause it to resurface, Cullen asked, “We only wished to know if there’s anyone we should be aware of.”

        Shadow gave him a questioning look.  “I’ve already told you I have no family.”

        “No, that’s not what I meant.”

        “I don’t have any friends or past lovers either.”  _Why the fuck did I add that last bit? They clearly aren’t concerned about that._   Shadow quickly looked away from Cullen, missing how his blush darkened.

        Leliana took a moment to give the both of them a calculating look.  “What the Commander is trying to ask is, are there any enemies from your past we should be concerned about?  Anyone who may come looking for you that poses a danger?”

        Shadow took her time and thought about what she felt comfortable in revealing.  She could feel everyone in the room staring at her, wanting her to reveal more than they were asking.  But it is very difficult to give up something she’s kept to herself for years.  They did deserve an answer though.  Their concern was a valid one.

        Her fingers did a quick series of taps against her leg as she made her decision and she looked Leliana straight in the eye.

        “There is no one who will ever come looking for me.” 

_After all, I’ve been dead for the past thirteen years._


	7. Six

            _Everything was perfect.  She smiled as the summer breeze touched her face.  The sun felt so warm and the tall grass tickled her hands as she walked.  Everything was perfect._

_**It’s not real.**_

_Suddenly, the scene is ripped from her and she finds herself back in her cold cell.  Harsh laughter echoes throughout the dungeon._

_**You will never be free.**_

           

            Shadow sat up in bed, gasping and her body soaked in sweat.  She fearfully glances around the cabin and sees a dagger on the table next to the bed.  She reaches for it and too impatient and scared to take the time to roll up her sleeve, she moves to slice her palm.  She stops when a green light flashes, brief but still painful.  She drops the dagger and grips her left hand with her right.

            _This is real.  This is real.  This is real._   She focused on the strange mark, using it as her anchor instead of the dagger.  After a few minutes of struggle, she feels the cloud of doubt in her mind lift and she says with confidence, “This is real.”  She begins the slow process of calming the rest of her body.  She hadn’t had that dream for a couple of months.  She had begun to wonder if perhaps she wouldn’t again.   _Stupid to let my guard down._ The dream must’ve been triggered by Leliana’s questions. 

            There’s a loud knock at her door, causing her to jump.  “Herald, are you up?”  The door couldn’t muffle Cassandra’s loud voice.

            Shadow ran a hand through her hair sweat soaked.  “Yes, Cassandra.  There’s no need to shout.”

            She was thankful that Cassandra chose to not enter at the moment and instead just shouted, “We will be leaving within the hour” and walked off.  Probably marched.

            Shadow looked at the window and saw a faint light making its way in.  Sunrise.  They were journeying to Val Royeaux today.  She frowned, still not liking the plan.  She understood why, but it still seemed like a bad plan.  She sighed.  But it would be a good distraction.

***

            “What, is this it?”  Shadow sighed and gave Sera a look as they entered Haven.  Sera continued, “Don’t get your breeches all twisted.  It’s fine.  I just thought it would be…”  She held her arms out wide, “bigger.”

            “Give it time.  No doubt the Inquisition will continue to grow,” Solas said.

            Sera glared at the elf mage.  “Droopy-ears-says-what?” she said quickly.

            Solas gave her a look of confusion.  “Excuse me?”

            “Ugh, you’re no fun!”  She took off toward the tavern.

            “It’s certainly quaint.”  Shadow turned to the other new member of the Inquisition, First Enchanter Vivienne.

            “Hopefully roughing it won’t scare you off,” Shadow said.

            The mage smiled, “Very few things can, darling.  Now, can you please direct me to your Chantry.”

            Cassandra waved a hand at the large building.  “We are heading the same way.”

            “Do I have to come?”  At Cassandra’s dry look, Shadow sighed and followed.  When they entered the Chantry, they found Josephine waiting for them.

            “It is good that you’ve returned.  We heard of your encounter.”  She bowed her head to Vivienne.  “My Lady.”

            “You must be Ambassador Montilyet.  Pleasure to meet you.”  Vivienne glanced at Shadow.  “I believe you have some important decisions to make.  Please come speak with me when you are finished.”  She walked away, not waiting for a reply.

            While Shadow muttered about high and mighty people, Cassandra spoke to Josephine.  “You’ve already heard?”

            “Why of course.”  Shadow turned and watched as Leliana and Cullen joined them.  Leliana smiled at Cassandra, “Did you think that my agents wouldn’t have sent word?”

            Cullen crossed his arms and looked at Shadow, glad to see she was back safe again.  “It’s a shame the Templars have abandoned their senses as well as the capital.”

            Shadow shrugged, finding herself struggling with whether or not to look him in the eye.  She didn’t want to because for some reason every time she met his eyes, she felt her defense begin to weaken.  But she did because…  She cut herself off there.  Nothing good could come from thinking along those lines.  “At least we know how to approach either side now.”

            They all started moving toward the war room.  Cassandra shook her head.  “Do we?  Lord Seeker Lucius is not the man I remember.”

            Shadow shuddered at the mention of the Lord Seeker.  When they had attempted to talk to him in Val Royeaux, he had stared at her for a few minutes and she had felt chilled by the strange look in his eyes.  She had felt as if he was attempting to read her mind or something.

            “He has taken the Order somewhere,” Leliana added.  “But to do what?  My reports have been… odd.”

            Cullen didn’t like the sounds of that.  “We should look into it.  I am certain that not everyone in the Order supports the Lord Seeker.”

            Josephine disagreed, “With them unwilling to talk to us, that could take too long. The Herald could simply meet with the mages in Redcliffe instead.  They extended an invitation after all.”

            Cullen rounded on her, shocked by the suggestion.  “Are you mad?  Do you think just because they sent an invitation that the mage rebellion is anymore united?  It could be ten times worse!”

            Shadow interrupted before they were all sucked into the familiar fight.  “How about instead of bickering, someone just makes a decision?”

            Cassandra gave her a look of approval.  “I agree.”

            Josephine sighed, “We shouldn’t discount Redcliffe.  The mages may be worth the risk.”

            Cassandra shook her head.  “They are powerful, but desperate.  A rather dangerous combination.”

            Shadow rolled her eyes.  “There’s a shock.”

            “And there’s the possibility that they were responsible for what happened at the Conclave.”

            “The same could be said about the Templars,” Josephine added, narrowing her eyes at Cassandra.

            Cullen sighed, “True enough.  I’m not even certain we have enough influence to approach the Order safely right now.”

            Shadow drummed her fingers against her leg, thinking.  “The mages _have_ requested a meeting.”  She frowned.  “But I’m not sure I trust Fiona.”

            Leliana gave her a sharp look.  “Do you believe she was lying?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “Not exactly.  It’s more like she wasn’t giving us the full truth.”

            Leliana nodded.  “I would suggest still meeting with her and gather what information you can.  We can look into ways to approach the Order in the meantime and discuss who we approach when you return.”

            Cullen felt relief when Shadow nodded in agreement.  He was glad that she hadn’t decided then and there to side with the mages.  He still didn’t care for the fact that she was meeting with them, but Cassandra will be with her.  And the Herald did seem to have a healthy dose of caution in regards to the rebels.  Of course, she was still practicing that caution around them as well.

            The decision was made that they would leave tomorrow and everyone went off to do their own thing.  Shadow saw Vivienne standing towards the front of the Chantry and decided her best option to avoid the mage was to go out one of the windows.  Now just to figure out how to get up to one…

            “If I can have a moment of your time, Herald.”  Shadow cringed at both the damn title and the voice of the Spymaster.  She turned and warily faced the hooded woman.

            Leliana smiled, “You can relax, Herald.  I’m only asking for a favor today.”

            “And that’s supposed to make me relax?”  When Leliana chuckled, Shadow shrugged.  “What’s the favor?”

            Leliana grew serious.  “Several months ago, the Grey Wardens in Ferelden disappeared.  When I sent word to those in Orlais, I discovered they had also disappeared.”  She sighed in frustration.  “Due to my dealings with them in the past, I normally wouldn’t even consider the idea that they were involved in any of this, but the timing is… curious.”

            “I’m afraid I don’t see how I could be of help.  I’ve only ever met one Grey Warden and I didn’t exactly keep in touch.”

            “My agents in the Hinterlands sent word two days ago, saying that they’ve heard news of a Grey Warden named Blackwall.  If you have time while you are in the area, will you seek him out?  He may have some answers.”

            “I’ll see what I can do.”

            Leliana nodded.  “Thank you Herald.”  She turned to go but hesitated.  “I would recommend going out that window.”  She waved at one of the high windows and Shadow saw that there was a pile of rubble underneath one of them and just high enough to jump from to reach the window.  She smiled at Leliana and slipped into stealth, quickly making her way out of the window.


	8. Seven

            Shadow felt herself go cold when the Magister appeared in the tavern.  _Shit.  Of course the Imperium is somehow involved.  What is Fiona thinking?_   She let out a small sigh of relief at not recognizing the man, but remained tense.  She knew better than to let her guard down around a Magister.  She could feel Varric staring at her, no doubt worried about the mask she had once again put on as soon as Fiona had said the words Tevinter Imperium.

            Fiona introduced the Magister, Gereon Alexius.  Shadow was pleased to find that she was able to look the man in the eye without flinching.  She wasn’t happy that she had to talk to the man but she knew they couldn’t afford to start a fight here and now.  She felt sick at hearing the man speak about the “arrangement” with the rebel mages.  She couldn’t believe that Fiona had sold herself and all the mages under her care to a Magister.  Even the children, though she claimed that they were never meant to be part of the deal.  She found it difficult to keep her anger out of her voice as she attempted to speak to the Magister about helping with the Breach.

            Both she and the Magister looked up as his son, Felix, approached, stumbling.  Shadow quickly stood up and caught the young man when he started to fall.  She felt him slip something into her hand and she closed it around what felt like a note.  The young mage apologized for his clumsiness and the Magister quickly left with him and Fiona.  No matter how much she distrusted the mage, there was no doubt that he loved his son.

            Shadow unfolded the note in her hand.  The Warden, Blackwall, walked over to look.  “What does it say?”

            “Come to the Chantry.”  She looked up at him. “You are in danger.”

***

            Of course, there was a rift in the damn Chantry.  Along with another Tevinter mage.  This one with a weird mustache.   After closing the rift, Shadow aimed an arrow at the man.  “Who are you?”

            The mage held up his left hand, his right still gripping his staff.  “Not the enemy, I assure you.  Dorian of House Pavus, most recently of Minrathous.”  He gave a small bow.  “How do you do?”

            Shadow slowly relaxed her bow, though Cassandra preached caution.  What Shadow knew that Cassandra didn’t was that she recognized the mage’s name.  Or rather the house he claimed to be from.  She never dealt with them herself, but she had heard stories.  They were one of the kinder houses, even if the head was a blood mage.  Of course, that didn’t mean she trusted the man.

            “There’s not going to be any applause, so how about you start telling me what’s going on.”

            The man acted wounded.  “No applause?  Very well.  As I’m sure you’re aware, there’s danger.”  He nodded toward the bow she still gripped.  “Though you appear very capable of handling it.”  The mage then told them about how Alexius distorted time to get to Redcliffe before the Inquisition.  Unfortunately, the magic wasn’t completely in the Magister’s control and was beginning to spread outside of Redcliffe.  At one point, Felix appeared explaining that his father had joined the Venatori.

            “Fuck,” Shadow said, unable to prevent disgust from entering her voice.

            Dorian raised an eyebrow.  “You’re familiar with the term?”

            Shadow glared at him, aware that Cassandra and Varric were closely looking at her.  “I’ve dealt with them in the past.  I had hoped that I wouldn’t have to again.”

            Dorian smiled but it held no joy, “Fate seems to have decided otherwise.”

***

            “We don’t have the manpower to take the castle!  We should give up this nonsense and go to the Templars!”

            Shadow sighed and rubbed her forehead.  She was really sick of this argument.  She sat cross legged atop of the desk in a corner of the war room, waiting for the moment she could slip out.  Once again upon returning to Haven, Cassandra immediately called a meeting and demanded that Shadow attend.  And once again, Shadow wasn’t sure why she had to.  They were all arguing just fine without her input.

            Cassandra glared at the Commander, “Redcliffe is in the hands of a Magister!  We cannot allow that to stand.”

            Josephine looked up from her writing board.  “Alexius asked for the Herald by name.  It’s clearly a trap.”

            Shadow rolled her eyes, fiddling with the lace of one of her boots.  _Duh._

            “Redcliffe Castle is one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden.”  Cullen pointed a finger at Cassandra.  “If you and the Herald go in there, you will die!  And we will lose the only means in which to close the Breach.”  He turned his eyes on Shadow, his golden gaze filled with determination.  “I won’t allow it.”

            Shadow frowned at what he said.  She knew she was only good for closing the Breach, but that didn’t mean she liked having pointed out.  Leliana began to say something about losing the mages, but Shadow interrupted, “What about the Templars?”

            Cullen felt relief that she was still opened to the possibility of approaching the Order.  “We’ve received word from a Knight-Recruit.  They have gathered at Therinfal Redoubt.”

            Shadow saw Cullen’s relief and couldn’t understand why she felt so Maker damn pleased that she was responsible for it.  “So we know where they are.  Great.  But are they still unwilling to talk?”  She felt guilty about her sharp tone when Cullen frowned and confusion flashed in his eyes.

            Leliana spoke up, “If we prove ourselves a more attractive prospect, the Lord Seeker will no doubt wish to.”

            Josephine smiled, “And since it is status that the Lord Seeker seeks, I’ve approached the noble houses in Orlais to see who is willing to ally with us.  Ten have agreed to help us.”

            Leliana nodded, “They could go with us to Therinfal and with the Herald leading them, the Lord Seeker would have no choice but to talk with us.”

            Cassandra shook her head, “We shouldn’t ignore the situation at Redcliffe.”

            “We can’t ignore the Breach any longer!  We can approach the Order now,” Cullen insisted.

            Cassandra.  “The Herald needs more power to close the Breach.”

            Cullen.  “The Templars can weaken the Breach, allowing her to close it with what power she has.”

            “That could kill her!”

            “So could adding more magic!”

            “ENOUGH!”  Everyone in the room froze and looked from the dagger that had appeared suddenly embedded in the table to Shadow who was now standing, green eyes flashing in frustration.  “You have all argued to same Maker damn points over and over again.  And the only thing changing is our chances of actually getting anything done.  So how about someone just makes a decision and we can actually get around to closing the damn hole in the fucking sky!”

            There was a moment of shock silence before Leliana smiled and nodded.  “The Herald is correct.  Someone should just make a decision.”

            Shadow threw her hands up in the air.  “Finally!”

            Cassandra narrowed her eyes at Leliana.  “But who?  We are evenly divided on this.”

            “Actually, we are not.”  Leliana looked at Shadow.  “The Herald hasn’t voiced her opinion.”

            Shadow didn’t like the sounds of that.  “So?”

            “You are the key to closing the Breach.  It is also your life that could be lost when closing it.  And it is your vote that will decide who we approach to help us.”

            She couldn’t believe her ears.  “You’re leaving the decision up to me?”

            Leliana nodded.  “You said someone should just make a decision.”

_Well down Shadow.  Walked right into that one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yah! Two chapters in less than 24 hours. If only I could be this productive with my school work... *cringes at the thought of all the work needing to get down*


	9. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I not sure I'm happy with this chapter but staring at it isn't changing anything. So I'm posting for now but changes may occur in the future.

            Cullen tilted his head back and breathed in the cold mountain air as he stood on one of the docks overlooking the frozen lake.  _Looks like another sleepless night_.  Well, not completely sleepless.  He did get three hours in before the nightmare woke him.  He rubbed a hand over his face, wishing the headache would just go away.

            He heard movement by the stables and turned around in time to see a cloaked figure lead one of the horses out.  His hand went to his sword as he started forward, prepared to confront the horse thief, when he recognized the horse.  It was the Anderfel courser horse master Dennet had gifted the Herald.  He waited a moment, hiding in the shadow casted by the large rocks.  He had a suspicion as to who the “horse thief” was.  As the cloaked figure mounted the horse, the cloak’s hood fell back, confirming Cullen’s suspicion.

            _Damn it.  She’s making a run for it!_   He watched as Shadow urged the horse forward, but frowned when it wasn’t down the path away from Haven.  Instead, she was taking the path toward the temple.  Curious and worried, he quickly got his horse.  By the time he got the horse saddled and mounted, he could no longer see the Herald.  Thankfully, her mount’s tracks were clear and he was easily able to follow.  Soon, he had reached the temple and saw her mount waiting patiently outside the ruins.  He too left his mount and quietly entered, trying not to stare at the corpses, terror forever on their faces.  Hopefully, once the Breach and the last of the red lyrium was removed, they would be able to beginning placing all these poor souls to rest.

            He found her sitting on the ground where she had stabilized the Breach, staring up at the green hole in the sky.  She knew he was there, that he had followed her.  “Making sure I’m not running?” she asked.

            “N-no of course -” he stopped when she looked over at him, a look of disbelief on her face. He took a deep breath.  “Yes.”

            She gave him a small smile.  “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”  She looked down at her hand.  “This is the only thing that can close the Breach after all.”

            Cullen didn’t like the amount of sorrow he had glimpsed in her eyes.  “I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t apologize.  You didn’t put it there.”

            “No.”  He blushed when she looked back at him.  “That’s not what I meant.”  He rubbed the back of his neck.  “I’m sorry for the pressure I – we – have no doubt made you feel.”

            “I’m not up here because of the decision you’ve all left up to me to make.”  She looked ahead and began rubbing her thumb over the mark.  “Not completely that is.”

            Cullen frowned, worried by her tone.  “What’s wrong?”

            “I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped.

            _Way to go, moron._   “I’m sorry for intruding, Herald.”

            “No, Maker damn it.  I just -”  She pressed her hands to her face and took a deep breath.  Cullen wanted to offer some comfort but was worried about spooking her.  He had never seen her show this much emotion and didn’t want her to hide it all again.  Or leave her to deal with whatever was troubling her alone.  So he remained standing awkwardly nearby.

            She removed her hands from her face once she had a handle on her emotions.  She glanced over and saw the Commander was still standing nearby, gazing at her with those golden eyes of his.  She quickly looked away, not sure how to handle the new set of emotions swirling with the ones that brought her here tonight.  “If you’re going to keep standing there, maybe you can do the talking.”

            Feeling surprised by her request, and not sure what she’s want to hear, Cullen started talking about the first thing that jumped to his mind.  The troops.  “We’ve received a number of recruits these last few weeks.   Some local but most are pilgrims who have heard of our cause.”  He tried his hand at humor, hoping to bring a smile to the Herald’s face.  “None made quite the entrance you did.”

            No one could’ve been more surprised than he that his attempt succeeded.  Shadow gave a small laugh.  “Not my usual style.  I usually avoid attention grabbing entrances.”

            Cullen smiled.  “I’ve noticed.”  When she didn’t add anything, he continued talking, “I was recruited from Kirkwall, myself.  I was there during the mage uprising and saw firsthand the devastation it caused.”  He felt his headache grow stronger as he remembered.  Shadow looked over and saw he was no longer staring at her and was rubbing at his forehead as if in pain.  When he noticed her staring, he quickly dropped his hand and continued.  “Cassandra sought a solution to the chaos.  She offered me a position within the Inquisition and I left the Templars to join the cause.”  He looked up at the Breach.  “Now it seems we face something far worse.”

            “And you believe the Inquisition is the one to handle it?”

            He returned his gaze to her, determination shining through.  “Absolutely.   The Chantry has lost control of the Templars and mages and argue over a new Divine while the Breach remains.  The Inquisition can act when the Chantry can’t.  Our followers would be part of that.  There’s so much we can -”  He stopped when he realized he was rambling on.  _You really are an idiot.  She doesn’t want to hear more about the Inquisition._   “Forgive me.  I doubt you wanted to hear a lecture.”

            Shadow smiled as he once again apologized.  She was beginning to find it amusing.  “Not exactly, but if you have one prepared, I’d love to hear it.”  His gaze quickly met her’s, surprise in his eyes.  She blushed when she realized how her words may have sounded and quickly looked away.  _Stupid, stupid.  Do you want the man to think you’re flirting with him?_   Shadow tried to ignore the stray thought that followed: _Wasn’t that exactly what you were doing?_

            Cullen was surprised by her teasing tone and was curious as to why she had looked away suddenly.  He wondered if there was more to her words and found himself feeling hopeful at the idea.  _Don’t go there_ , he warned himself.

            They both remained silent for a few moments, Cullen standing and Shadow sitting.  Eventually, Shadow sighed.  “I lied earlier.”  Cullen chose to stay silent, waiting for her to continue.  “I do want to talk about it but I wasn’t sure how.  I’ve never felt the need to and I was angry with myself for feeling like I couldn’t handle it on my own.”  She ran a hand through her hair.  “I’ve been told by a couple of people recently that sharing my problems doesn’t make me weak, but I’m still having trouble accepting that.  Accepting help.”

            Cullen spoke up, “You’ve shown that you’re more than willing to offer help to those who need it.  There’s no shame in letting others help you in return.”

            Shadow’s legs bounced slightly as she organized her thoughts.  “I take it you heard the story of how I met the Divine?”

            “You saved a child from a pack of wolves.” 

            “Her name was Sarah.  She was an orphan being raised in the Chantry.  Her parents died because of the mage and Templar fighting.  Justinia – the Divine – and Sarah were the first people in a long time who I found myself growing close to.  The girl, I think she was about ten years of age, would visit me every day while I recovered, telling me stories and talking about all the people that were gathering for the Conclave.”  Shadow let out a small laugh.  “She even got me to tell some stories of my own.”  Her smile fell and rage gathered in her eyes as she turned to look at Cullen.  “She was excited about the Conclave.  She believed that it would end the fighting.”  Shadow stood up.  “She told me that she hoped that the fighting would end so no one else would lose their parents.”

            The rage left her so quickly and was replaced with so much sorrow, Cullen stepped forward, concerned she would collapse.  Instead, she took a step back and held up a hand, indicating he stop.  He did.  “Instead, they killed her.  Maybe it was the Templars, maybe it was the mages, or maybe it was an unknown party.  Either way, a little girl who had every reason to hate but chose to hope is dead.  And I couldn’t save her a second time.”

            Shadow felt tears gathering in her eyes and turned away from Cullen.  “I couldn’t save the Divine.  I failed to close the Breach and there’s a damn good chance I won’t be able to a second time.  So why would you place any decision in my hands when I’ve nothing but a string of failures trailing behind me?”

            She jumped when she felt a hand touch her shoulder and turn her around.  Cullen ignored her attempt to pull away and pulled her into a hug.  He ignored his own protest at his actions.  _I may regret this later, but she needs it now._   He held her as she wept, letting the emotions she had held inside and pretend didn’t exist for weeks now flow free.  He knew that while she grieved for the Divine, it was the child she wept for.  When her body was no longer trembling and he no longer heard her weep, he pulled her back but kept his hands on her shoulders.

            “You haven’t failed.  There wasn’t anything anyone could’ve done to save all those people.  If anyone has failed it’s us.”  Shadow looked at him in confusion.  “We can’t agree on how to close the damn Breach and our bickering only prolongs the danger.  You’re the one that has been going around, spreading the Inquisition’s influence, gathering resources, and helping those who need it.  We trust you with this decision because you have succeeded where we would have no doubt failed.”

            Shadow tilted her head to the side.  “What if I chose to approach the mages?”

            Cullen dropped his hands and stepped back.  “I would respect your decision.”

            She smiled, “But you wouldn’t like it.”

            Cullen crossed his arms.  “I could begin listing the reasons to approach the Templars instead.

            Shadow waved her hand.  “Don’t bother.  I have the reasons for approaching either side memorized.”  Now that she had released all of that emotion, she realized how tired she was.  She struggled to fight a yawn and lost.

            Cullen smiled.  “I think it’s time we returned.  No one expects you to make a decision tonight.”  Shadow nodded and they both went to retrieve their mounts.

            When they had returned to the horses to the stables and approached Haven’s gates, they found a young man in armor waiting outside the closed doors.  When he saw them approaching, he walked over to them.  “Are either of you with the Inquisition by chance?”

            Cullen nodded.  “I am the Commander of its forces.  Who are you?”

            “Name’s Krem.  I tried to get someone to open the gates but no one seems to want to let me in until morning.”

            “Well that’s rude,” said Shadow.  She marched up to the doors and shouted, “Hey! It’s cold out here!  Open the damn doors!”

            Voices can be heard on the side. “Shit!  It’s the Herald!”  “Open the door you nughead!”  Once the doors were opened, Shadow smiled back at Krem and Cullen before walking in.  The two soldiers began to apologize but she just held up a hand.

            “In the future, if there’s only one man at the door, just open it.  It’s very unlikely to be an attack.”  When the soldiers looked at Cullen, he nodded his agreement.  Shadow turned to Krem.  “So what brings you here?”

            “I’m with the Bull’s Chargers mercenary company.  We got word of some Tevinter mercenaries gathering out on the Storm Coast.  My company commander, Iron Bull, offers this information free of charge and offers his services.”  Krem smiled, “That offer isn’t free of charge of course.  If you’re interested, come to the Coast and watch us work.”

            Shadow nodded.  “You up for leaving in the morning?”  When Cullen protested, she turned to him.  “I need time _and_ space to think.  Killing some Tevinter mercenaries will help.”  When Cullen didn’t look convinced, she added, “I’ll bring Blackwall, Varric and Solas with me.  I wasn’t planning on running off alone.”

            Cullen sighed.  “Fine. But promise me you’ll get some sleep tonight.  I’ll tell the others of your plans.”

            Shadow smiled, “Deal.”  She wished the two men goodnight and raced off.  Cullen showed the man where he could sleep the night and decided to wait until morning to inform the others of the Herald’s plans.  He also decided to try to get a couple more hours of sleep himself.  The last thing he thought of before sleep claimed him was how the Herald had felt in his arms.

***

_Nightingale,_

_Hired on some mercenaries.  Tiny said he’d talk to Ruffles about payment.  Heading back now._

_Made decision.  Will discuss it when we get back._

_Sneaky_


	10. Nine

            “Commander?”  Cullen looked up from the recent report on the status of the Hinterlands he was reading and called in the messenger.  The man entered and said, “Leliana wanted you to know that the Herald and her companies will be arriving soon.”

            Cullen stood and asked, “How soon?”

            “They will be at the gate any minute now.”  Cullen nodded and dismissed the man.  Then he began to debate what his next course of action should be.  Should he welcome her at the gate or wait for her in the war room?  She had said in her last report that she had made her decision and will no doubt call a meeting immediately upon her return. So he should wait for her there.  Cassandra will meet her at the gate.  But she will no doubt be tired after her journey and perhaps it might benefit her to see a friendlier face than the Seeker’s.  So he’ll meet her at the gate.  But what if his presence has the opposite affect and makes her feel pressured to give her decision?  He’ll wait in the war room.

            “Commander?”  He turned and saw that the same messenger was back.  “The Herald has called a meeting in the war room.”

***

            Shadow took a deep breath, feeling everyone’s eyes on her as they waited for her decision.  She hated it.  Honestly, they may not be actively trying to pressure her at this point, but she sure felt pressured.  Not knowing who exactly she should look at, she kept her eyes on the map of Thedas as she finally spoke.  “I’ve decided to approach the Templar Order.”

            Cullen let go of the breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding.  He had thought for sure she was going to choose the mages.  He hadn’t lied last time they spoke.  If she had chosen the mages, he would’ve respected the decision because one had to be made.  But like she had pointed out, that didn’t mean he would’ve liked it.

            “Are you sure Her- ” Cassandra cut herself off when Shadow narrowed her green eyes at her, irritation clear on her face.

            “You asked for my decision, I’ve given it.”

            Cassandra gave a sharp nod.  “Then we must prepare.”

            “I will contact the noble households that have agreed to accompany the Herald to Therinfal and inform them off the decision,” said Josephine.  She began scribbling on her board.  “They should be ready within the week.”  She walked out without looking up.

            Cullen spoke up, “I can have some soldiers ready to accompany the Herald when the time comes.”

            “That won’t be necessary, Commander,” Cassandra said.  She held up a hand when he began to protest.  “We are attempting to gain an audience with the Lord Seeker and while he may become intrigued with the number of nobles with us, he will not take kindly to a small force.  No, it is best that it just be the Herald and I.”

            “And Varric and Solas,” said Shadow.  Cassandra raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment.

            Cullen sighed, “Very well.”  He noticed one of his recruits waiting for him through the now opened door and nodded to the man.  “If you need me, I shall be working with the recruits.”   He tried to catch Shadow’s eye while he walked out but she purposely kept her face averted.  He shrugged off the sting he felt and decided he’d talk to her later.  _I knew I was going to regret that hug._

            Cassandra also excused herself when Cullen left.  Once she had exited the room, Shadow closed the door and turned to face Leliana.  The hooded woman was smiling.

            “I suspected there was more to your decision than just approach the templars,” she said.

            Shadow nodded, “I chose the Order to approach for help with the Breach because it makes more sense to weaken something we don’t understand rather than strength something else we don’t understand.”  She shook her head.  “But I don’t want to not help the mages.”

            “I want to get the children and Tranquil out.”

            Leliana tilted her head.  “Why?”

            “I talked to some of the mages in Redcliffe, including a few Tranquil.  They all say that Alexius has no need for the Tranquil and has even ordered them to go.  But then we found that locked cabin…” She closed her eyes for a moment before continuing.  “He may not have a use for them being alive but dead seems to be a different story.  And they can’t defend themselves.”  She glared at the map.  “And I don’t care how much Fiona claims that the children were never meant to be part of the deal, she’s an idiot for thinking he wouldn’t want them too.  She was supposed to protect them and instead she’s forced them into servitude.”  She turned her now furious gaze into Leliana.  “I want to get them out.”

            Leliana nodded.  “I have agents in the area who can safely smuggle them out, along with any other mages that may be brave enough to turn against Fiona and Alexius.  Once they’re at the Crossroads, our forces will be able to protect them until it is safe to bring them here.”

            The hooded woman blinked in surprise at the smile the Herald gave her.  She wasn’t surprised by the action but rather the amount of emotion it conveyed.  She wondered if the Herald was aware of the amount of emotion she was showing.

            “Thank you,” Shadow said, relief filling her as she realized she could still help some of the mages from the horrible fate Fiona had forced on them.  

            Leliana looked as if she were going to say something but was interrupted by raised voices outside the room. 

            “I demand to talk to the so called Herald!”

 _Dorian?_   Shadow shot a look of confusion at Leliana before rushing out of the room.  She was brought up short when she saw Cullen, the Tevinter mage, and Mother Giselle all arguing.  Dorian saw her and started toward her, rage clear in his eyes.  “What is this that I hear about you abandoning the mages to their fate?”

           Cullen quickly placed himself in front of the mage, his hand on his sword ready to draw.  “Stand down mage.”  He had seen the man talking to Varric a few minutes ago and the dwarf must have told him Shadow’s decision because he had quickly gotten angry and marched to the Chantry.  Cullen had followed, worried what the man intentions were.

           Dorian glared at the Commander and poked his breastplate.  “Or you’ll what, Templar?  Smite me?”

          “Don’t tempt me,” Cullen growled.

          “Stop this!”  Shadow rushed forward and placed herself between the two.  She looked up at Cullen.  “Let him talk.  Please?”  Cullen nodded slowly and stepped back but kept his hand on his sword and his eyes on the mage.  Shadow turned to face Dorian.  “I’m not abandoning the mages.”

           The mage crossed his arms.  “Really?  So you’re not seeking to ally with the Templar Order?”

           Shadow sighed.  “I am approaching the Order to help with the Breach but that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning the mages.”

          “What do you think Alexius is going to do once he hears that you went to the Templars?  He’s not going to continue sitting there in Recliffe waiting for you to show up again.”  Shadow saw what appeared to be a light red glow surround his body.  “I thought you wished to help all the mages.”

           Cullen tightened his grip on his sword as he felt the mage begin to pull on the Fade.  Leliana placed a hand on his arm and whispered, “She has this Commander.”

           “I do wish to help and will.  But we need to close the Brea -”

           “Fasta vass!”  Dorian took a step back.  “I should’ve known better than to rely on southern help.”  He gave them all one last glare before turning on his heel and marching out.

            Leliana stepped forward, “I will immediately send a bird to my agents in Redcliffe, Herald.”  She placed a comforting hand on the woman’s shoulder before walking away.

           Cullen started to approach Shadow, who hadn’t moved.  “Herald, I -”

           “I need to go prepare for the journey to Therinfal.  If you’ll excuse me.”  She took off running, slipping into stealth before she exited the Chantry.

           “Do not worry, Commander.”  Cullen turned to Mother Giselle as she spoke.  “When she is ready to talk she will.”

           “She doesn’t need to deal with this alone.”

           The woman smiled.  “She will learn that in time, Commander.  Meanwhile, we must make sure we continue to stand by for when she does.”

***

            _This is real, this is real, this is real._   Shadow struggled to keep her breathing even, to focus on her surroundings.  She could hear everyone else talking but couldn’t seem to focus on what they were saying.  The room seemed hazy and she felt terror at not being able to tell if this was reality or not.  _This is real.  Envy has no hold on me.  I’m free._

            **_You will never be free._**

“Lady Shadow?”  Shadow felt herself snap out of the terrifying experience and looked up at Cullen.  His eyes were full of concern and she could feel the dark thoughts flee and hide within the furthest corners of her mind as she stared into them.  “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice just as full of worry as his eyes.

            Shadow suddenly was aware that everyone was staring at her and felt embarrassed to have been caught not paying attention.  “I’m sorry.  My mind was distracted.”

            Leliana narrowed her eyes at her.  “I was just saying that the terms of the alliance you made with the Templars doesn’t benefit the Inquisition as it should.”  She crossed her arms.  “You should’ve consulted us, Herald.”

            Shadow glared at the hooded woman.  “There was no time.  I made the best decision offered to me at the time.”

            Leliana turned to Cassandra.  “Why didn’t you intervene?”

            “I stand by the Herald’s decision.”

            Shadow gave a small smile of thanks to Cassandra before returning to glaring at Leliana.  “You sent me there to secure an alliance with the Order.  I did.  I’m not sure what more you could’ve wanted, but we went there seeking help with the Breach and now we have it.”

            Leliana held Shadow’s gaze, both conveying their frustration with the other.  Leliana was the first to break it.  “You have a point, Herald.”

            Josephine smiled now that the tension wasn’t nearly as thick.  “I will immediately begin making plans to secure a lyrium supply for our new allies.”

            Cullen nodded and added, “A few dozen veterans are coming ahead of the rest to help us with the Breach.”

            “How soon until they arrive?” Shadow asked.

            Suddenly, there was a flash and smoke filled the room.  When it cleared, a young man wearing a large floppy hat was crouched on the table, holding one of the markers.  “They’re almost here,” he said, inspecting the item in his hand.  Pale blue eyes met green.  “Templars don’t like to be late.”

            Everyone moved at once.  Cassandra and Cullen both drew their swords, Cullen saying in surprise, “Maker!”  Shadow was surprised when he moved around the table and placed himself between her and the young man.  She looked over at Josephine and had to fight back a giggle at seeing the irritated look on the woman’s face.  Apparently she didn’t like being pushed back when Cullen had made his way to his current position.  Leliana had taken a step back but otherwise looked unaffected by the strange appearance.

            She looked back as the visitor spoke again.  “I came with you to help.  I would have told you before but you were busy.”

            Shadow attempted to take a step forward but Cullen stretched out his free arm in front of her, keeping her back.  She narrowed her eyes at him, but he kept his on the visitor.  “It’s alright Cole.”  Cullen finally broke his gaze from the young man and fixed it on her as she spoke his name.  But this time she refused to meet his questioning gaze, keeping her’s on Cole.  “You just startled everyone, appearing out of thin air like that,” she added, smiling apologetically.

            Cole tilted his head.  “But I wasn’t air.  I was here.  You didn’t see me.  Most don’t until I let them.”  He made to move off the table and Cullen moved back, forcing Shadow to move with him.

            “Call the Guards.  This creature is not what you -”

            Leliana interrupted the Seeker.  “Let’s not be so hasty.  I am curious as to why he came.”  Shadow found herself less irritated at the hooded woman.

            Cole continued facing Shadow, seemingly speaking only to her.  “You help people.  You made them safe when they would have died.”  He tilted his head again.  “You succeed where other would have failed.”  Shadow’s breath caught as she looked at Cullen in shock.  He was staring at her too, sharing the same shock at hearing the words he had said to her not too long ago.  She returned her attention to Cole as he continued to speak. “I want to do that.  I can help.”

            Cassandra sneered, “How altruistic of you.”

            Cole spoke faster.  “I can be hard to see.  I won’t get in the way,” he begged.

            This time Shadow forced Cullen’s arm down and step toward Cole, taking the young man’s hands.  “Of course you can stay and help.”

            “Herald!” Cassandra protested.

            Shadow looked at her.  “Cole saved my life at Therinfal.  I wouldn’t have been able to defeat Envy without him.”

            Cassandra glared at Cole, still holding her sword at him.  “But what does he want now,” her voice was full of distrust.

            Shadow sighed.  “I think he really just wants to help.”  Cole began mumbling again about not being in the way and Shadow squeezed his hands in an attempt to convey it was alright.  She didn’t completely understand why she trusted him.  Like Envy, he had been in her mind at Therinfal and while he had been helping her, past experiences have lead her not react kindly to such an invasion.  But some internal part of her trusted Cole and she found that she didn’t mind that he had been in her head.  Well, maybe she minded a little but she didn’t feel herself becoming lost within the dark thoughts when she thought about it.  She knew that it wasn’t his intention to trap her.

            _I would never hurt you like they did._   Shadow blinked as Cole’s voice flowed through her mind, pushing the dark thoughts further back.  She gave him a small smile and hoped that the thought of thanks she had made it across.  When he smiled back, she figured it had.

            Cullen lowered his sword slightly but kept it drawn.  The creature may have saved the Herald at Therinfal, but he didn’t trust it.  And the fact it had repeated what he had told the Herald that night in the temple ruins made him uneasy.  “You’re not honestly suggesting we give him run of the camp?” he asked.

            Shadow let go of Cole’s hands and turned to face Cullen, irritation on her face.  “And why not?  He’s not a prisoner.”

            Cullen tried to reason with her.  “We don’t know what he is.  We should have our men keep an eye on him to make sure -”

            “Um, that may be more difficult than you think,” said Josephine.

            Cullen and Shadow looked away from each other and saw that Cole had disappeared.  “Where did he go?” demanded Cassandra.

            Shadow shrugged.  “It’s a neat trick of his.  You’ll get used to it.”

            “He’s disappearing act is even better than yours Herald,” Leliana said, smiling.  Shadow rolled her eyes at the woman.  “I will have people watch the boy for now, though it’ll no doubt be a difficult task.  In the meantime, we can begin preparations to close the Breach.”

            “The… boy was correct in saying that the Templar veterans will be here soon.  Within the day,” said Cullen.  “They should be ready to help soon after they’ve settled.”

            Shadow took a deep breath.  The familiar feelings of doubt and fear started to flow back.  “And then we close the hole in the sky.”


	11. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self-harm in this chapter

            _Shadow ran through the endless corridors, trying to find a way out.  The green mist made it impossible to see too far ahead and she soon realized that she was going in circles.  Just when she thought she was never going to make it out, she burst from the mist and found herself in the middle of a large chamber.  Fear gripped her as she looked around, recognizing the cells that the lined the room.  She took a step back and felt her boot step into a puddle.  She looked down and screamed._

_Cullen’s lifeless body was laying at her feet, his blood slowly spreading from his body, his empty eyes staring up at her.  Shadow tried to back away but felt her boot hit something else.  She screamed again as she realized that Varric’s broken body was also on the ground.  She looked around and saw that the chamber floor was littered with the bodies of everyone she had met and grown close to in the past month.  Leliana’s Josephine’s, Cassandra’s, and even the Divine’s bodies were on the ground, broken and bloody, their lifeless eyes all on her.  Next to the Divine’s body was another smaller one and Shadow began to sob as she recognized Sarah._

_“No, no, no,” she cried, her hands gripping her hair.  She heard footsteps and whirled around.  She saw the shape of an approaching figure through the mist but it was still too thick for her to see clearly._

_**“Is this shape useful?”**   The figure made its way through the mist and Shadow once again found herself screaming in terror at the image of the man she hadn’t seen for thirteen years.  She backed away, tripping over the bodies of the dead.  The man continued to approach her, his smile conveying his evil intent.  **“Will it let me know you?”**_

 

            Shadow fell out of the bed, gasping and sobbing, her body soaked from sweat.  She looked around, recognizing the cabin and began chanting, “This is real, this is real, that was only a dream, this is real.”

            **_Are you sure?_**   Shadow shook her head, trying to push away the doubt that gripped her mind.  But the darkness wouldn’t leave her and she began to panic as she realized that this could very well be the dream, that she was trapped within her own mind once again.  She had to get out, she needed to escape.  She struggled to her feet, her fear threatening to keep her down, and she stumbled to the door.  Some part of her mind still struggled to convince her this was real and prompted her to slip into stealth.  She stepped into the snow and though she only wore her smalls, she was unable to feel the cold on her bare skin as her fear and doubt kept such things at bay. 

She rushed out of Haven, none of the guards on duty able to see her flee as she climbed over the wall, though one made a comment to his buddy about the footprints in the snow.  “Looks like some poor bastard forgot to put on his boots tonight.”  She jumped to the ground and spun in a circle, trying to figure out through her fear where to go.  Her thoughts were mixed with the darker ones and she blindly ran forward.  She didn’t make it far before she collapsed in the snow, slipping back out of stealth.  She barely noticed that she was at the edge of the frozen lake, well away from Haven’s walls.  The only thing she was aware of was her fear and desperation.

She needed to feel.  She needed to escape.  She needed a knife.  She moved her hand around, seeking and found a sharp rock.  She held it against her arm but hesitated.

 _Promise me._   “I can’t.  This isn’t real.  I have to wake up.”  Sobbing she moved the rock across her arm, slicing open the skin.  Blood immediately flowed from the wound and stained the snow.  The pain wasn’t as intense as it should’ve been, but it was there.  Feeling it, she realized that there was a very good chance this was real.  Desperate to confirm it, she sliced the other arm.  The darkness still pressed on her mind, trying to convince her it wasn’t real, but she now fought to believe it was.  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her tears freezing on her cheeks.  “I’m sorry.”

***

            Cullen rubbed the back of his neck as he fought a yawn.  He blinked his tired eyes and tried to focus on the report in front of him.  Some of the Inquisition’s soldiers had been captured in the Fallow Mire by the Avvar and their leader was threatening to kill those held captive unless he met with the Herald of Andraste.  Cullen didn’t like the idea of sending the Herald to a place that had undead wandering about and having her face the man, but there was no other option if they wished to save their men.  But he won’t tell her just yet.  The day after tomorrow, she’ll be closing the Breach and there was no need to have her worry about something she can’t do anything about at the moment.  He had seen how worried she had been when they had discussed closing the Breach and hoped that she had been able to get some sleep tonight.

            “She didn’t.”  Cullen jumped to his feet at the voice and saw that the strange boy, Cole, was standing in the doorway to the war room.  Cullen placed a hand on his sword but didn’t draw it.  Before he could ask what the boy wanted, he was already talking, “Too dark to help.  Can see and hear but can’t feel.  I can’t help her, the dark is too strong.”

            Dread filled him as the boy spoke.  “Who?” he asked, though he already knew the answer.

            “Blood runs down her arms.  There’s pain.  But not enough.  The dark won’t leave.”  The boy’s eyes begged for help.  “But it left earlier because of you.  You can help her.”

            Cullen took a step toward the boy.  “Where is she?”

            “Snow.  It should be cold but it’s not.  Ice.  Lake.”  Cullen ran out of the room, and soon after, the Chantry.  At Haven’s gates, the guards on duty were surprised and a little terrified to see the Commander running toward them.

            “Open the gates!” he yelled.

            “Commander, what is -” one of them began to ask, but Cullen grabbed him by the collar and glared into his eyes.

            “Do not make me ask again,” he growled.

            “Of course, Commander!”  Once released, the guard and the other one both scrambled to open the gates.  Cullen charged through, ignoring their questions.  He quickly made his way to the lake but didn’t see the Herald.

            “Over there!”  He turned to Cole who was pointing further down the shore along the lake.  Cullen headed in the indicated direction and soon heard sobbing.  He then saw the Herald and for a moment, stopped in shock.

            She knelt in the snow, dressed only in her smalls.  Her head was bowed and her arms rested in her lap, her hands facing up.  Blood was running down both arms and dripping off of her hands, the mark on her left sparking.  Her hair, though short, was still able to hide her face.  She was crying and he could hear her gasping out, “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”

            Cullen started to rush forward, calling out “Herald!”  But she didn’t seem to hear him, not even flinching at hearing the title she didn’t care for.  It wasn’t until he knelt in front of her and grasped her bloody hands, that she became aware of his presence.  She panicked and tried to tug her hands free without looking up.  “Shadow!” he said loudly, refusing to let go.  She froze and looked up.

            “Cullen?” she asked, wanting to but having trouble believing what she saw.

            “What happened?” he asked, looking down at her arms, staring in horror at the wounds.

            “I can’t – I have to -” she couldn’t continue and closed her eyes, struggling with the darkness.

            “She wants to escape,” Cole said.  Cullen looked at the boy.

            “Escape what?”

            “She doesn’t believe this is real.  She wants to escape.  Like with Envy.”

            Cullen gently placed a gloved hand beneath Shadow’s chin and tilted her face back up, forcing her eyes to meet his.  “Shadow,” he whispered.  “This is real.  Envy is dead.  He has no hold on you.”

            Staring into his warm, golden eyes, Shadow could feel the dark hold on her mind loosen.  She gasped as the pain in her arms suddenly flared and she became aware of the sting of cold on her skin.  Pain also came from the mark and she closed her eyes as the pain filled her mind, overpowering the darkness.  But what forced it to the furthest corners of her mind was Cullen’s voice as he continued to murmur to her, “This is real.”

            She opened her eyes again and Cullen saw that the terror in them had lessened, though shame was beginning to creep in.  He took her into his arms and stood up, holding her gently so as to not crush her wounded arms.  He was unsure where to go though.  Her arms needed to be bandaged and she needed to be warmed, but he didn’t want to risk taking her back through Haven’s gates.  He was sure she didn’t want anyone else to see her in this state.

            “There’s a cabin that way.”  Cole pointed into the trees surrounding the lake.  “No one is currently there.”  Cullen nodded in thanks and made his way to the cabin, the boy following.  Shadow was quiet and Cullen looked down at her to make sure she hadn’t passed out.  She hadn’t but was silently crying.  She began to shiver and Cullen was reminded of her state of undress and looked back up.  He focused his attention ahead, trying to not think about how the Herald was almost naked in his arms.  He was failing miserably and could feel his face grow warm as he was no doubt blushing.

            When he reached the cabin, he saw the door already open and light poured out.  He stepped inside and noticed that there was already a fire going and the chill was quickly leaving the cabin.  He saw a cot in a corner and placed Shadow down on it.  She righted herself into a sitting position, crossing her legs and keeping her face down.  Cullen found a blanket and wrapped it around her.  She moved to clench it but hissed as the movement caused her pain.

            Cullen turned to look for something to clean and bandage her wounds and found Cole standing behind him, holding some clean strips of cloth.  “I help,” he said, gesturing toward a bowl full of water that was now by the cot.

            Cullen took the cloths.  “Thank you, Cole.”  Cole smiled.  Cullen turned back to Shadow and knelt before her.  He took one arm and dipped one of the strips in the water before beginning to gently clean the wound.  “What happened,” he asked softly.

            There was a few seconds of silence before she spoke, “I’m not sure I can explain.”

            Cullen looked her hard in the eye.  “Try.”  He selected another clean strip and began bandaging the arm he had finished cleaning.

            Shadow took a deep breath.  “I had a nightmare.”

            “Involving the demon at Therinfal?”

            “Mostly.”  She looked away when he looked at her face again.  “I was running and found myself in a chamber.  There were bodies everywhere.  The Divine’s, Sarah’s, Varric’s, Blackwall’s.”  She looked at him now.  “Even yours.  You were all dead.  And then Envy appeared…”

            Cullen gently squeezed her hand when he saw the terror beginning to grow again in her eyes.  “It was a dream.  Envy is dead.  You defeated him.”

            “And we won’t let him hurt you,” Cole added.  Cullen looked at him in confusion but the boy didn’t continue.  He returned his attention to Shadow and saw her silently pleading with Cole.  When she noticed him staring, she quickly looked elsewhere and continued.

            “When I woke, I was confused and frightened.  I couldn’t tell if that had been the dream or if this was.  In my confusion, I ran.”

            Cullen turned his attention to her other arm, hiding his reaction at hearing about her confusion.  He witnessed such confusion in Templars who went through lyrium withdrawal.  It pained him to hear she had experienced something similar.  “How did you receive these wounds?”  When she didn’t answer, he looked back at her and saw shame in her eyes.

            “I used a rock,” she whispered.

            Cullen stared at her in shock.  “You did this to yourself?”  Shadow closed her eyes, unable to look at him.  “Why?”

            “Pain is real.  She can’t feel if it isn’t real,” Cole answered.

            Cullen noticed for the first time the scars covering both her arms.  “How many times as this happened?” he asked.

            “Less and less over the years,” she answered.  “The worst are after dreams like tonight.  Though it has never been that strong.”

            Cullen went cold at the knowledge she had been harming herself for years.  “What causes you to doubt this strongly?”

            “I haven’t had a good life, Commander,” was her short reply.  He recognized that she didn’t want to talk about her past and could understand not wanting to share one’s personal demons.  But he knew that this wasn’t the way to handle it.

            “Surely there are other ways -”

            Shadow jerked her now bandaged arms out of his hands and scooted back on the cot, tightly wrapping the blanket around her.  “You’re not the first to say so.  And I’ve tried.  But since what happened at the Conclave, these… thoughts have only grown stronger and more frequent and like I said, it’s never been that strong before.  I barely felt the pain tonight,” she whispered the last part.

            Cullen stood up and paced the cabin, running a hand through his hair.  Maker, if Cole hadn’t come to get him, if he hadn’t been able to find her…  He thought about what she had said, _You’re not the first to say so_ , and asked, “Who else knows that you…”

            “Cut myself?” Shadow finished when he couldn’t.  “The Divine knew.  Varric knows and I think Solas does as well since he was the one to heal me after the Conclave.  And I’m sure Leliana and Cassandra know because he would’ve been reporting to them about my condition and nothing seems to get past Leliana.”  She took a deep breath before continuing, “Only Varric’s said anything though and they all no doubt suspect I do this because of my past.”

            “Did the Divine know why?”

            “Yes.  She was a very patient but persistent woman.  And my will was weak for a while after the wolf attack.”  _As was my mind._

            Cullen stared into the fire, thinking.  Cole was standing still, listening.  And Shadow bowed her head, shame filling her.  After a few moments of silence, she spoke softly, “What now?”

            Cullen rubbed the back of his neck.  “We need to get you something to wear and sneak you back to your cabin.  The cuts are deep but should heal okay.  We still have a day before the closing, so you’ll have a day to rest and heal.”

            Shadow looked up in shock.  “You’re not going to tell anyone?”

            “No.”  Cullen turned back to her, his eyes hard and trapped her’s.  “Not if you promise me something.”

            “What?” Shadow asked hesitantly.

            “That whenever you feel you have to do this to yourself, you come to me instead.  Let me help you.”

            Shadow started shaking her head, “I can’t make that promise.”

            Cullen was suddenly in front of her and gripping her shoulders.  “You can!”

            “No, I can’t!” she yelled.  She shook free of his grip and got off the cot.  Still wrapped in the blanket, she walked to the other side of the cabin and kept her back to him.

            Cullen narrowed his gaze, “Why not?”

            “Because I couldn’t keep it before!” she shouted, turning back around.  “I promised the same thing to the Divine, that I wouldn’t hurt myself.  And until tonight I kept that promise.  I came close a few times but this!”  She held out her hand, the mark glowing.  “This kept me anchored.”  She let her hand fall, holding onto the blanket with her other hand.  “But I broke it tonight,” she whispered.

            Cullen stayed where he was because he knew she didn’t want him to approach her.  “The fact you kept that promise for so long after the Divine died proves that you can in fact keep such a promise again.  But you don’t have to do this alone.”  Now he moved forward and gently tilted her face back up to look him in the eye.  “I can help you,” he said, dropping his hand.

            “And me,” Cole said, bringing a small smile to Shadow’s face.  Cullen found his earlier opinion of the boy had changed completely.

            “Cole too,” he agreed.

            “Why do you want to help me?” she asked.

            “Because I understand what it’s like to struggle with the memories of the past.”

            She returned her left hand to gripping the blanket.  “I can’t promise to tell you about my past.”

            Cullen smiled, “I don’t like discussing mine and I wouldn’t ask you to do something I’m not willing to do myself.  I’m just asking that you let Cole and I help you.”

            She stared at him for a moment before nodding.  “Okay,” she whispered.  “I promise.”

            Cullen sighed in relief.  “Thank you.”  He suddenly noticed her bare legs and looked away, blushing.  “Um, we should get you some clothes.”

            “I help.”  He turned and saw that Cole was now holding a shirt and some trousers.  He waited outside the cabin while the Herald changed.

            When she was ready, he walked her back to Haven.  When they had approached the gate, she had slipped into stealth and Cole vanished to somewhere.  She kept a hold on Cullen’s cloak as they walked past the guards (who were still confused and terrified by his earlier actions) in order to keep him assured that she hadn’t slipped away.  She dropped the stealth once they reached her cabin.

            Shadow turned to him.  “I’m not used to people helping and am not sure how to show my gratitude for your help tonight.”

            Cullen smiled, “A simple thank you is enough.”

            Shadow tapped her fingers against her leg before she decided to just go for it.  She suddenly hugged him, whispering, “Thank you,” before quickly entering her cabin.

            Cullen remained outside her door for a few moment, shocked by her action and wishing it had lasted a few seconds longer.

            “Small and soft.  You want to hold her, protect her.”  Cullen started at Cole’s appearance at his side.  The boy tilted his head, “And kiss her.”

            Cullen took a step back, stuttering, “W-what?  N-no I don’t.  That’s completely i-inappropriate.”

            The boy remained quiet for a moment before continuing, “She is tired.  You are tired.  She sleeps now.  So should you.  I can listen tonight.”  Cullen realized he was in fact exhausted and agreed to allow Cole to remain outside the Herald’s cabin.  Like Shadow, he slept the rest of the night in a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I'm having trouble writing a scene, I pick songs that seem to fit the mood of the scene. Most of the time, I pick songs created by Audiomachine. For this chapter, I listened to "An Unfinished Life" and "The Truth" by Audiomachine.


	12. Eleven

            _Commander,_

_It seems I owe you more thanks today.  Cassandra didn’t perform her morning route of waking me up at the crack of dawn and Cole’s informed me that was due to you convincing everyone to leave me be.  So thanks for that._

_Cole also told me that Leliana questioned you about what happened last night.  Thank you again for not telling anyone.  And I’m sorry for putting you in a position where people may ask you a lot of questions._

_Cole’s going to be hanging with me today.  I don’t want to distract you from your duties and I certainly don’t feel like leaving this cabin today, so he’s offered to be my messenger._

_Thank you again for last night and this morning._

_Shadow_

_P.S. I’ve been informed that my promise last night meant telling you how I am this morning.  I’m still shaken and ashamed, but like my wounds, I’ll heal._

_Herald,_

_I’m happy to hear you were able to get some sleep.  And don’t feel sorry about the others asking me questions.  Leliana was merely asking how you were.  She was made aware of what happened last night due to my run in with my guards.  It seems I may have worried my men in my hurry last night and she stepped in to keep them from calling an alarm._

_I am happy to hear that you will have some company today.  Leliana informed me that the mages you asked her to rescue from Redcliffe will be arriving today, so I will be busy ensuring that there are no problems between them and the Templars we’ve recruited._

_~~If I find some free time, I could drop by for a visit if you woul~~  _

_~~There is no need for you to feel ashamed for~~   _

_~~Seeing as your wounds will scar, I find that I’m not~~_

_If you find you need anything, please don’t hesitate to let me know._

_Commander Cullen_

***

            It was time.  The Templars were gathered and prepared.  Solas had explained what was expected of them and the Herald.  Cassandra and Cullen were both going to lead them all to the temple ruins.  Everything was ready.

            And the Herald was terrified.

            She was riding a top the horse Master Dennet had given her which she had named White Autumn after the horse’s coloring.  During the short time in which she had the beast, she discovered that she had formed a bond with the intelligent creature.  _I’ve been forming a lot of those_ , she thought.  She glanced at the man riding ahead with the Seeker.  As if he felt her gaze, he turned to look behind him and Shadow quickly looked away, blushing.  This of course worked great in keeping her eyes from meeting Cullen’s but she now found herself looking at the elf mage riding the Red Hart next to her.  When he saw that Shadow was facing his direction, he raised a brow.

            “Something wrong?” he asked.

            Shadow sighed.  “Just nervous.”

            “You should have faith in yourself.”  He gestured to the Templars following them.  “They certainly do.”

            “I just hope it isn’t misplaced,” she said softly.

            “Why would it be?”

            “I failed before,” she reminded him.

            “I wouldn’t call the first attempt a failure.  You had just fallen out of the fade, awoken in a dungeon in chains, questioned by the Seeker, and then fought your way to the temple, all while everyone around you wanted you dead.”  He smiled.  “Except for I of course.  The very fact you were able to stop the expansion of the Breach without dying is quite miraculous in of itself.”

            Shadow smiled, “Well, when you put it that way.”

            Solas’ expression turned serious.  “The only one doubting you is yourself, Shadow.”

            They rode the rest of the way in silence.  Once they reached the temple, Cullen immediately began ordering the Templars to take their positions while Solas, Cassandra, and Shadow approached the Breach. 

Shadow stopped and looked up at the hole and then at the mark on her hand which was now sparking, no doubt reacting to being so close to the large rift.  She looked over to see Cassandra and Solas staring at her.  The Seeker nodded in silent encouragement.  Shadow nodded back and continued walking forward.  _Maker, let this work._

The large rift reacted to her approach and she found herself struggling to continue forward.  She could hear Solas giving instructions to the Templars behind her but she kept her focus on the Breach.  Soon, she was directly below it.  She could feel the pull on the mark and while it was strong, it wasn’t nearly as strong as last time.  Whatever the Templars were doing, it was working.  _It’s now or never._   She took a deep breath, casting all her doubts to the back of her mind, and thrust her marked hand at the Breach.  The pain was just as intense as the last time but she was able to prevent the scream that vibrated in her throat.  The green light grew brighter and brighter and she had to close her eyes against the blinding light.  Just like all the other rifts she had closed up until now, she could tell that the pull on the mark had reach the critical moment.  She pulled back on the rift’s energy and felt the familiar snap as the connection between the mark and the rift broke.  Just like last time, she felt her body go flying.

She hit the ground hard but didn’t pass out this time.  She felt drained and had to struggle for breath.  _But I’m still alive._   She coughed as dust began to settle and rolled over to attempt at standing.

“Herald!”  She looked up and saw Cassandra rushing toward her.  The Seeker reached her side and helped her to her feet.  Shadow mumbled a thanks and looked around, noticing everyone else struggling to their feet.  They must have all been thrown by the blast like her.

“You did it.”  Shadow turned and saw Cullen walking toward her, a huge grin on his face.  She looked back behind her and up.  Sure enough, the Breach was gone.  The Templars began to cheer and she smiled.  She noticed one Templar staring at her in shock, his helmet missing.  She found his staring uncomfortable.  He took a step forward, looking as if he were going to rush her, but then one of his Templar buddies came up to him and drew his attention elsewhere.  Shadow didn’t understand why she felt as if she had just avoided something major.

“You see,” Shadow turned to Solas as he came up next to her.  “Faith is stronger than doubt.”

***

            The sun may have set hours ago, but that didn’t stop the people of Haven from celebrating their victory.  Shadow couldn’t understand how so many people could still be dancing and singing after having done so for the whole day.  When they had returned to Haven, everyone was waiting for them and had started cheering so loudly, she had been worried about an avalanche starting.  Soon after, the party had started and didn’t appear anywhere near stopping.

            Bull had immediately started drinking and last she heard, the tavern was well on its way to becoming dry.  He had attempted to get her to join him but she had slipped away.  She had seen Varric and Blackwall stumbling out earlier and wondered if the two of them were passed out somewhere.  Sera was currently dancing among a group of people, though perhaps dancing wasn’t the word to describe it.  Shadow had briefly seen Vivienne when she had returned.  The mage had merely told her “Well done dear” and then promptly disappeared.  Solas and Leliana had also made similar disappearances.  Shadow hadn’t seen Cole, but she felt he was somewhere nearby.  He had developed the habit of staying close by just in case.

            Shadow herself was watching everything from the ledge above Varric’s tent.  The first few hours of the celebration, she had been forced to mingle, something Josephine said was necessary for her to do.  But she still wasn’t comfortable being the center of so many people’s attention and disappeared for a few hours.  She had received word that the Ambassador wasn’t all that pleased she had vanished and decided to return but remain disconnected.  Her presence didn’t seem all that necessary anyway, everyone was celebrating just fine on their own.

            Just as she found herself wondering where Cullen was, she found the Commander standing with a few of his men.  He seemed to be enjoying himself.  She realized that she hadn’t actually seen him so relaxed.  Or any level of relaxed.  _Of course, any time you have seen him, it’s either in the war room or when you’re experiencing a moment of insanity.  Not exactly the best relaxing opportunities._   Shadow heard snow crunch behind her and looked over her shoulder to see Cassandra approaching.

            The woman stood next to her and gazed down at the dancers.  “Solas has assured me that the Heavens are scarred but calm.  The Breach is most definitely sealed.”

            “That’s good.  Otherwise all this partying would be pointless,” Shadow said.

            Cassandra gave a small smile before continuing.  “We are receiving reports of many smaller rifts all over Thedas.”  Her expression became serious.  “And we still don’t have answers about the Conclave.”  She sighed.  “But this was a victory.  And word of your heroism is spreading.”

            Shadow groaned, “But it wasn’t just me.  I had plenty of help.  And besides, our victory is due to this,” she held out the marked hand, which now glowed softly through her gloves, “not me.”

            “You are correct that this was a victory of alliance.  One of the few in recent memory.  But you shouldn’t lessen your own role.”  Cassandra turned to Shadow.  “You have gone beyond what was expected of you, helping those that many others would’ve ignored.”  Shadow tilted her head when she noticed that the warrior was struggling to say something.  She had never known Cassandra to have trouble saying what she thought.

            “I haven’t apologized for how I treated you when we first met,” Cassandra started.

            Shadow cut in, “There’s no need.  Looking at the situation at the time, your actions towards me were justified.”  She shrugged, “Of course, that didn’t prevent me from holding that against you for a while.  I should probably apologize for that.”

            Cassandra smiled, “Perhaps we should agree that we both might’ve been justified in our actions.”  She grew serious again.  “But even after I knew you were innocent, I still pushed you to do the Inquisition’s work.  I forced you into situations I knew you weren’t comfortable in.  I was aware of your own struggle with what happened at the Conclave.  And with what happened at Therinfal.”  She pointedly looked at Shadow’s arms, the sleeves made tight due to the bandages beneath them.  “But I chose to ignore them in favor of bettering the Inquisition.”

            Shadow rubbed her arms, hiding her reaction with a chuckle.  “Appears what was once my best kept secret is now my worst.”

            “I am certain you have better kept ones.”

            Shadow asked, “Why is it that you all haven’t sat me down to interrogate me about my past?  You are all clearly curious, you know it has something to do with this,” she gestured at one of her arms, “but yet you’ve only asked a couple of questions, leaving it mostly be.  Why?”

            Cassandra stared her in the eye for a few moments before answering, “We all have moments in our past that we don’t care to discuss.  Some darker than others.  Some may argue that knowing someone’s past allows you to know who they truly are.  I once was one of those people.  But Leliana was correct in her decision to leave your secrets alone.”  _After she discovered that she couldn’t dig up anything on me_ , Shadow thought but kept silent.  Cassandra continued on, “In the short time I have known you, I have seen you take the time to feed and clothe strangers, attempt to stop a fight between brothers, hunt down a young man so he could save his mother, and herd a Duffalo and talking goat back to their owners.”

            Shadow cringed at the mention of the talking goat.  “I feel I should remind you that goat turned out to be possessed and we had to kill him.”

            Cassandra waved her hand.  “What is it that the damn dwarf says about good deeds going wrong?  ‘It’s the thought that counts.’”  Shadow laughed at the distaste in the Seeker’s voice at quoting Varric.  “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve come to know you not through knowing your past but through your actions.  I just wish I had taken the time to talk with you more and had pushed less.”

            “Even if you had attempted to talk with me, I’m sure I wouldn’t have made getting to know me any easier.”  Shadow scratched at her neck.  “I’m tempted to argue with your conclusion on who I am if your only evidence is my actions.  As you are aware, not all could be called honorable.”

            Cassandra placed a hand on Shadow’s shoulder.  “I have seen others’ dishonorable deeds.  I would never call your struggle dishonorable.  And you shouldn’t either.  I may have doubted you before, but that has changed.  And I hope that one day we may perhaps become friends.”

            Shadow smiled at the woman.  “From what Varric’s taught me about making of friends, I think this conversation makes us just that.”  Cassandra mirrored Shadow’s smile.

            Suddenly, the bells at Haven’s entrance sounded soon followed by the Chantry’s.  Cassandra and Shadow both felt shock at hearing one of the guards shout, “Forces approaching!  To arms!”


	13. Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing playlist for this chapter is as follows: "Lords of Lankhmar", "Guardians at the Gate", and "Apotheosis" all by Audiomachine.

            Cullen looked at everyone celebrating and smiled.  She did it.  She closed the Breach.  He was thinking about looking for her but then he had seen her talking with Cassandra.  Not wanting to interrupt, he decided to continue talking with his men until they were done.

            “Commander!”  He turned and saw his second-in-command, Knight-Captain Rylen, running toward him.

            “What is it?” he asked.

            The man stopped when he reached him.  “Lights approaching, Commander.  Lots of them.”  Cullen narrowed his eyes in suspicion and ran toward Haven’s gates.  He climbed to the top of the lookout.  Sure enough, there were a large multitude of lights coming over the mountain.

            “Spyglass,” he ordered.  A guard handed him one and he looked in the direction of the lights.  The device allowed him to get a closer look at those approaching and the moon provided enough light for him to see clearly.  And what he say made his blood run cold.

            “Sound the alarm and inform our soldiers to prepare for battle,” he ordered.

            Surprise surfaced on Rylen’s face, but he did what he was ordered.  Cullen climbed back down as the bells toiled and Rylen began shouting, “Forces approaching!  To arms!”

            People sprang into action immediately.  His men began to gather with their weapons, awaiting further orders.  Villagers panicked and sought to hide in their lodgings or in the Chantry.

            “Cullen!”  Cassandra and the Herald both came running toward him.  Leliana and Josephine soon appeared and he noticed Varric stumbling out of his tent with his crossbow.

            “A massive force is approaching Haven.  The bulk appears to already be over the mountain,” he informed them.

            Josephine stepped forward.  “Who would attack us?  What banner do they march under?”

            Cullen looked her in the eye and answered, “None.” 

Shock decorated the Ambassador’s face as she repeated, “None!”

“Is there an echo?” Varric asked.

Shadow ignored them all and slowly approached the gates.  There was some kind of light that kept flashing underneath it.  While the light kept flashing, the doors began to tremble as something seemed to crash into it.  She drew her bow and aimed.  Everyone behind her ready their weapons as well.

Suddenly, the lights stopped flashing and the door remained still.  “If someone could open these massive bloody doors, I would greatly appreciate it!” a voice shouted.

Recognizing the voice, Shadow relaxed her bow and ran to open the doors, ignoring Cullen’s protests behind her.  She stopped when she saw the scene before her.

Dorian was kneeling in the middle of a group of dead men.  Shadow recognized the armor as that of rogue Venatori soldiers.  Dorian was attempting to stand and Shadow ran forward to help.  Cullen ran past her and indicated that she should stand back as he sheathed his sword.  Shadow stopped as Cullen continued to approach the mage.

Dorian looked up and smiled, “Ah, Templar.  I do hope you aren’t still angry with the last time we spoke and would be so kind as to help me up.”  Cullen shook his head at the man’s teasing tone but helped him to his feet.  “Thank you dear man!”  The mage looked at Shadow.  “I came to warn you, but I’m afraid that I’m fashionably late as usual.”  The mage tried to stand on his own and almost fell again, Cullen catching him in time.  Once on his feet again, he leaned on his staff.  “Don’t mind me.  It was a bit exhausting fighting those rogues they sent ahead.”

Shadow narrowed her eyes in concern but let his comment go unquestioned for now.  “Warn us of what exactly?”

“Remember how I told you that Alexius had joined with the Venatori?  Well, that’s who’s approaching with many of the mages from Redcliffe under their command.  And they’re in service to something called the ‘Elder One’.”  Shadow shuddered at hearing that name again.  The Envy demon had mentioned an Elder One multiple times.  Dorian missed her reaction as he had turned to point up the mountain.  She followed where he pointed and saw two figures appear on a pile of rock above them.  One was a woman mage and the other was… clearly not human.  Shadow couldn’t tell what it was.

Dorian continued to talk, “The woman is Calpernia and she is who is commanding the Venatori.  The hideously thing next to her… is the Elder One.”  Dorian tilted his head as a third figure appeared behind them.  “I don’t know who that fellow is.  He joined up with the Venatori shortly outside of Redcliffe and I could tell he was a Templar.  But there was something off with him.”

Cullen glared at the man standing next to the Elder One, wishing he had a spyglass on him to see him in more detail.  He had suspicions on who it was but couldn’t tell for sure from this distance.

Dorian turned back to face them.  “I risked my life to get here ahead of them, just in case you couldn’t tell.”

Shadow ignored the mage and turned to Cullen.  Dorian started mumbling about being underappreciated.  “Cullen!” she begged.  “Give me a plan!  Anything!”  She was out of her element for sure here.  She didn’t know what to do in a fight this big.  In a full on battle between armies.

Cullen heard the desperation in the Herald’s voice and began to think quickly.  “Haven is no fortress.  If we are to withstand this ‘Elder One’, we must control the battle.”  He glanced at the trebuchet set up outside of Haven’s gates and thought about the one just south down the path.  He looked up at the mountain.  “We can use the trebuchets to attempt to start an avalanche that should take out a portion of their forces and cut of any that haven’t made it over the mountain.”  He looked back at Shadow, “While the soldiers man the trebuchets, you can help defend them from any forces that get too close.”

Shadow nodded and signaled to her companions who had all gathered at Haven’s gate.  “Who wants to fight some Venatori?” she shouted at them.

A large grin formed on Iron Bull’s face.  “Oh, fuck yes! Count me in Boss!”

Cullen turned to his waiting soldiers.  “I want two groups to man the trebuchets!” he commanded.  “I also want some of you to help any villagers who have yet to seek shelter do so.  The rest of you fortify and watch for advance forces!”  He paced before the men and women who stood to fight.  “Inquisition!  With the Herald!  For your lives!  For all of us!”  He raised his sword high as the soldiers all shouted with him.

***

            Shadow leaped from behind an unsuspecting mage and sliced his throat open.  She continued flying over the man as he dropped to the ground and rolled as she landed.  She gripped her bow and fired an arrow as another mage attempted to come around the trebuchet.

            “Great shot!” Varric yelled as her arrow struck the man in the face.  Varric let loose five bolts and took out two Venatori soldiers.  “Mine was better!”

            “This is a battle, not a contest dears,” Vivienne said as she frozen a man solid.

            “Because if it was,” Bull shattered the man as he charged through, “I would be winning.”

            Shadow rolled her eyes and continued to pick off any mages and soldiers that attempted to retake the trebuchet.  She never knew it took so long to prepare one of these things to fire and wondered if by the time this one was ready, they would’ve already defeated the enemy.

            They had successfully defended the one in front of the gates but had received word that this one had been taken.  She had taken Vivienne, Varric, and Bull with her along with a few of Cullen’s soldiers but had left the rest to continue defending the other one.  Once they had gained control of the trebuchet again, the soldiers had immediately begun to prepare it for firing.

            “Ready to fire!” one of the soldiers shouted.

            _Finally!_   Shadow let loose another arrow and shouted, “Do it!”

            The trebuchet fire and Shadow watched the missile fly at the mountain.  It struck the side and she watched in satisfaction as snow and rock slid down and covered a large portion of the enemy, snuffing out their torches.

            The soldiers began to cheer but it was cut short when the trebuchet suddenly exploded, sending everyone flying.  Shadow heard a roar and looked up in shock as something large flew overhead.

            “They have a dragon!” Varric shouted in disbelief.  Bull looked far more pleased with this new addition to the battle than surprised.

            “I believe we should head to the gates, dear,” said Vivienne.

            Shadow nodded and yelled at the soldiers to retreat back to the gates.  They all rushed back to the gates, Shadow stopping for a moment to help the blacksmith, Harritt, get into his cabin.  Once she was assured the blacksmith was safe, she continued to the gates.

            She heard the dragon making another pass and looked behind her.  The creature was bearing down on her and opened its mouth to attack.

            “Herald!”  She looked back and saw she was almost at the gates, Cullen waving at her to hurry.  “Move it!  Move it!” he shouted.  She heard the dragon roar again and could feel the approaching heat of its attack.  Cullen reached out and gripped her arm, pulling her the rest of the way in.  The gates slammed shut behind them, the blast hitting them.  They shook but held firm.  For now.  The dragon continued to fly overhead.

            Cullen let go of her arm and began shouting orders.  “Get everyone to the Chantry!  Now!”  He looked back at Shadow and she didn’t like the look in his eyes.  “At this point,” he said, “just make them work for it.”

            Shadow began to run forward but stopped when she felt a hand on her arm.  She turned and saw Cole.  “There are people who need help,” he said.

            “Who? Where?” she asked.  Cole then informed her of Seggrit who was trapped in one of the cabins to the left and of the others who were being attack to the right further in the village.  She ordered her companions to split up into smaller groups so they could rescue them all.  Iron Bull, Blackwall, and Sera rescued Flissa, Solas and Cole rescued Adan and Minaeve, Vivienne and Varric helped Lysette, and Shadow and Cassandra rescued Seggrit.  Once they regrouped and headed for the Chantry, they came across Threnn being attacked by a group of Venatori that came from the back of Haven.  They quickly dealt with them and helped Threnn to the Chantry.  Chancellor Roderick was at the entrance, ushering people in.  It was clear that he had been seriously injured.  Before entering, Shadow turned to Cole.

            “Is there anyone else?” she asked.  Cole tilted his head a moment as if listening before shaking his head.  The two of them then ran in, the doors shutting behind them.  Shadow saw as the Chancellor collapsed but Dorian was nearby and was able to catch him.  He then began to help him to a chair, saying to her, “A brave man.  He stood against a Venatori.”  Shadow was sure her eyes conveyed her surprise and, hopefully, her respect.

            The wounded man gave her a small smile through his pain.  “Briefly, I’m afraid.  I am no Templar.”

            Shadow made to follow but stopped when she heard that stupid title shouted.  She looked ahead and saw Cullen running toward her, relief in his eyes.  Her irritation at hearing the title vanished and was replaced with a relief of her own at seeing him safe.  As he approached her, the relief in his eyes vanished and was replaced with worry.  He spoke once he reached her.  “Our position is no good.”  He waved his hand at the door.  “That dragon stole back any time we might have earned us with the avalanche.”

            Josephine and Leliana joined them.  “They haven’t made any demands.  Or attempted to communicate at all,” Josephine said.

            Leliana continued, “They have only continued to attack without any indication of stopping.”

            Dorian spoke up from where he had placed the Chancellor.  “Once I returned to Redcliffe, it was clear there was no bargaining with the Alexius.”  He looked at Shadow.  “Apparently, someone had taken many of the mages right from under his nose.  I was able to gather that the Elder One wasn’t happy to lose both his Templars and many of his mages.  He would appear to be used to taking what he wants.  And it seems he wishes to take the Herald.”

            “Why?” growled Cullen, taking a threatening step toward the mage.  Varric appeared and placed himself between the two.

            “Easy there Curly.  He did come to help.”

            Dorian ignored the Commander’s threatening stance and answered, “Besides stealing what he believes was his, I have no idea what would incur this much wrath.”  He smiled at Shadow.  “And you had such a promising start there with the landslide.”  He chuckled.  “If only the trebuchets were still an option.”

            Shadow saw that Cullen was doing some serious thinking.  “What is it?” she asked.

            Cullen looked at her.  “The trebuchets could still be an option.  If we aim them at the mountain above us.”

            Shadow shook her head, “That would bury us along with them.”

            Shadow recognized the determined look in his eyes as he spoke, “We can’t survive this.  The only thing we can do at this point is make sure the enemy goes down with us.”

            Shadow glanced at the mage children huddling in a corner of the Chantry with the other mages and Tranquil.  She found herself thinking of Sarah.  _I failed again_.

            Cullen saw where she was looking and realized that she must be thinking of the orphan girl she had rescued only for her to die later.  He opened his mouth to say something, though what was there to say, when Dorian got up and walked over.

            “That just isn’t acceptable,” he said.  “I refuse to have come all this way only for you to drop rocks on my head.”

            Cullen glared at the man.  “I’m sorry we can’t smother you in pillows.  Would you prefer we surrender and allow _them_ to kill us?”

            Dorian got in his face, matching his glare.  “For a Templar, you think an awful lot like a blood mage.”  Cullen growled at the insult but Dorian kept talking.  “Dying should be used as a last resort not a first!”

            Shadow felt a tug on her leather coat and turned to Cole.  “He has something to say,” he said and pointed at the Chancellor.  They all turned to the wounded man who was struggling to get up.  Cassandra rushed to the man’s side and helped him to sit more comfortably.

            “There is a path,” he gasped.  “Only those who have made the summer pilgrimage would know it is there.  The people can escape that way.”  He looked at Shadow, a thoughtful look in his eyes.  “Andraste must have shown me so I could show… you.”  Her confusion must’ve shown, for he explained, “The path was so overgrown, it should’ve been impossible to find.  Yet, I did and I’m not certain how.  And to be the only one left alive who would remember such a path… If such a simple memory could save us, perhaps it was more than mere accident.  Perhaps _you_ could be more.”

            Shadow didn’t know how to feel about the man’s new found faith in her and turned back to Cullen.  “Could using the path work?”

            “It could be used as a means of escape but it would be short lived if the enemy follows,” he said.

            Shadow tapped her fingers on her leg.  “Not if we still use the trebuchets to bury Haven.”

            “But whoever stays to fire the trebuchet could be buried with Haven,” said Josephine.

            “And if this Elder One is after the Herald, burying Haven wouldn’t stop him from coming after us eventually,” added Leliana.

            Shadow took a deep breath.  “That is why I would be the one to fire the trebuchet.”

            “No!” shouted Cullen.  “Absolutely not!”

            “It has to be me,” explained Shadow.  “The Elder One is here because of me.  I can provide the distraction you need to get everyone out.  Then you can fire a signal and I can fire the trebuchet.”

            “And what of your escape?” he said, taking a step closer.  Shadow kept silent, wishing she could look away but his glare kept her trapped.

            “Her plan is our only chance to get all of these people out,” Leliana said.  Cullen turned to glare at her.

            “We can’t afford to lose her!” he growled.

            “The Breach is closed and I’m sure any remaining rifts can -” Shadow was cut off when he whirled back to face her.

            “That isn’t what I meant!” he shouted.  Shadow was shocked by his words and the fear she now heard in his voice.  She found she couldn’t speak.

            “I can go with her,” Cassandra said.  Varric also said he could join.

            _No_ , thought Shadow.  She knew that this was most likely a suicide mission and she couldn’t risk anyone else dying because of her.  Especially those she had learned to call friends.  And there wasn’t much time left.  She looked at Cole and begged him to stay and help the villagers.  He nodded sadly.  She then looked at Leliana.  The two shared an understanding look before the Spymaster nodded.  Shadow took a small step back so as to not draw attention to herself and slipped into stealth.

            Dorian was the first to notice her absence.  “It appears that the decision has been taken out of our hands.”

            Cullen immediately looked to where Shadow had been and practically roared when he saw she was gone.  He started for the door but was blocked by Cole.  “She doesn’t want anyone else to die,” he said.

            “How did she get out?” Varric asked, worry clear in his voice.

            Leliana looked at a window, “The Herald has her tricks.”  She faced Cullen, “Commander, we don’t have time to stop her nor could we.  We must get the people out with the time she has brought us.  And give her the signal when we are safely away.”

            Cullen stared at the doors, feeling a terror much greater than he had ever known, greater than what he suffered ten years ago.  But he knew Leliana was correct.  He gave the order to retreat through the path as Chancellor Roderick led them with the help of Dorian.  He was the last to leave, sparing one last glance at the doors and one last prayer.

            _Maker, bring her back to us. To me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter along with the previous one and the next one were all meant to be one chapter. Clearly, my imagination decided against that.


	14. Thirteen

            Shadow landed in the snow and removed her bow from her back, gripping it tightly as she moved forward.  She hoped that Cole and Leliana would be able to prevent anyone from coming after her.

            She rounded the corner of the Chantry and saw that many Venatori mages and soldiers were gathering throughout the village, apparently waiting for the order to attack.  She took a moment to plot her path to the trebuchet.  She took in the burning buildings and the bodies of those who didn’t make it to the Chantry.  Rage filled her and she closed her eyes.  She took a deep breath, dropped her stealth, and opened her eyes.

            The Venatori closest to her stopped and faced her, many feeling a chill at the rage in her eyes.  Some stepped back as the mark on her hand sparked.  One brave mage stepped forward and sneered.

            “Has the ‘Herald of Andraste’ come to give herself up?  Perhaps in hope that we may spare those foolish enough to oppose the Elder One?”  The man laughed and many joined him.

            “No,” she said slowly before smiling.  “I’ve come to kill you all.”  Before the mage could even blink, she sank an arrow between his eyes.  It then exploded, sending those standing too close to the ground.  She was able to fire off enough arrows to kill five more men before they leapt into action.

            She put away her bow and pulled out her daggers, leaping forward into the thick of it.  The soldiers attempted to keep her in sight, but there was a reason she called herself “Shadow”.  She got up behind each one and sliced open their throats, disappearing anytime one got too close.  A few were able to land a hit here and there, but nothing fatal and they soon dropped dead after.  When she finished off one group, she moved forward to take on the next one in her way.  She almost found it humorous how they all seemed to underestimate her though she left a trail of bodies behind her.  The mages were the most ignorant.  Because they had magic, they thought they could keep her from getting too close.  But it’s almost impossible to fight what you can’t see coming.

            Soon, she reached the trebuchet.  There weren’t any Venatori about though that would no doubt change soon.  She put away her daggers and immediately began to work on aiming it toward the mountains.  She had it just about right where she wanted it when she was knocked off her feet by a blast.  When she landed, she quickly got to her feet, drawing her daggers, and faced her attacker.  She hesitated when she only saw one female elven mage.  “Fiona.”

            The woman glared at her and spat, “Murderer.”

            Shadow raised her eyebrows in surprise.  “Well, that’s a change from Herald.  Not sure I like it any better.”  She glanced around before placing her attention back on the mage.  “Will your new friends be joining us?”

            “I ordered them to remain back.  I will not let any more innocent mages die at your hands.”

            Shadow narrowed her eyes, responding coldly, “I think you have that backwards.  I saved what innocent mages I could.  Any that have died, it is your hands that bear their blood.”

            Fiona slammed her staff into the ground, sending another blast of fire at Shadow, shouting, “I have only tried to protect those in my charge!”

            Shadow dodged the blast, using the move to bring herself closer to Fiona.  “Enslavement isn’t protection!” she shouted back.

            Fiona tried to strike her with lightening, but Shadow successfully dodged that as well.  “You chose to side with the Templars, to seek aid from those who hunt us!  You left me no other choice!”

            “You could’ve said no!  You had the numbers and we could’ve protected you!”  Shadow continued to use Fiona’s attacks as opportunities to bring herself closer to the mage.

            “I had to think of the children!  It was in my duty to protect them!”

            Shadow slipped into stealth and in Fiona’s confusion, launched an arrow into the mage’s shoulder.  Fiona cried out in pain, dropping her staff.  Shadow dropped her stealth and kicked the staff aside.  She kicked the elf’s feet from under her and kneed her in the face.  Before the elf could move, Shadow trapped her on the ground with her body and placed a dagger to her throat.

            “ _I_ protected them,” she hissed.  “If I hadn’t gotten them away from the Venatori, from _you_ , they would be dead!”

            The anger left Fiona’s eyes and she whispered, “I know.”

            Shadow didn’t move a muscle, but couldn’t hide the shock from her voice, “What?”

            Tears began to leak out of Fiona’s eyes.  “That day you talked to Alexius, I knew that I had failed in my duty.  And when I heard that you had chosen to approach the Order, I thought for sure they would die.  But then, all the children, Tranquil, and many other mages disappeared one night and when Alexius became enraged by their disappearance, I knew it had been you who had gotten them out.  I was so relieved until we were ordered to march to Haven.”

            “Then what was all of that just now?” Shadow asked.

            Fiona’s eyes widen in fear.  “The Elder One is watching,” she whispered.  “Waiting for his moment to enter the battle.  When you came out of the Chantry alone, I wondered if you were providing a distraction so the others could get away.  No no no,” she hurried when fear entered Shadow’s eyes.  “No one else thought this.  They all believe you are attempting to negotiate with the Elder One by offering yourself up and threatening to bury us all.”

            “But you thought differently?”

            “I know that you would do anything to protect the children, even stand against an entire army on your own.  So I ordered the others back in order to give you more time.  Give them more time.”

            “I still need to move the trebuchet into position,” Shadow said.

            “Then do so.  Wait!” Fiona cried out when Shadow made to move off her.  “But first, finish this.”

            Shadow froze.  “You want me to kill you?  Why?”

            “I should pay for my crimes.  And I’m going to die tonight no matter what happens.  Please, though I don’t deserve any mercy, allow me do die at the hands of Andraste’s chosen.”

            Shadow stared into the elf’s eyes and saw both sorrow and admiration in them.  And acceptance.  Shadow closed her eyes for a brief moment, before nodding.  Fiona smiled, “Thank you.”  Without saying a word, Shadow drew her dagger across the mage’s throat.  Once the light had faded from her eyes, Shadow leapt to her feet and rushed back to the trebuchet.  She finished aiming it and stepped back.  She heard a roar and saw the dragon coming at her.  She turned to run for cover but the dragon was faster.  Its tail hit her, sending her flying.  She landed on her back and coughed as she struggled to catch her breath and get back on her feet.  When she looked up, that’s when she saw him.

            The Elder One stalked toward her, rage in his eyes.  Red lyrium seemed to be protruding from his head and he wore robes like that which mages wore.  He was impossibly tall and he appeared mostly bone.

            Shadow took a step back but almost fell again when the ground shook.  She looked behind her and saw the dragon approaching, stopping within arm’s reach and roaring.  She was trapped.

            “Pretender.”  Shadow turned as the Elder One spoke.  “You toy with forces beyond your kind.  That ends now.”

            “Great, another title,” she muttered.  She spoke louder, “You think a little dragon is going to scare me?  I just killed over a dozen of your men single handedly.  I am not afraid.”  _Good, keep lying through your teeth.  Maybe he’ll buy it._

            “Words mortals often hurl into the darkness.  Once I spoke such words.  They are always lies.”  _Guess he didn’t._   “Know me, know what you have pretended to be.”  He took a step forward.  “Exalt the Elder One.  The _will_ that is Corypheus!”  He pointed at her.  “You will kneel.”

            Shadow glared at him.  “I kneel for no one!” she shouted.  _Never again_.

            “You resist.  You will always resist.  It matters not.”  He pulled from his robes an orb, glancing at it for a moment before looking back at her.  “I am here for the Anchor, that which you stole.  The removal process begins now.”  A red light began to surround the orb and he thrusted out his arm.

            _The Anchor? What_ – Shadow cried out as the mark on her hand sparked and a pain surged up her arm.  Her arm trembled and she tried to still it by gripping her wrist.  Her legs threatened to give out.

            “You interrupted a ritual years in the planning, ‘Herald’.  And instead of dying, you stole its purpose.”  He moved his hand, causing another wave of pain to roll through her body.  She clenched her teeth to hold back the scream.  “I do not know how you were able to survive, but what causes others to believe you are more than you are, what you flail at rifts, I had crafted to assault the very heavens!”  He clenched his hand, and Shadow couldn’t stop her scream nor remain standing.  A pain far worse than what she felt when closing the Breach coursed through her.  It felt as if something was trying to rip the mark from her hand, tearing her apart in the process.  She could barely hear as the Elder One continued talking, venting his anger at her usage of the mark.  She may have shouted something like “Fuck you!” but she wasn’t for sure.

            Suddenly, a large clawed hand gripped her arm and lifted her off the ground.  She felt more pain as her shoulder dislocated.  She found herself face-to-face with the creature.  “I once breached the Fade in the name of another, to serve the Old Gods of the Empire _in person_.”  Shadow coughed as she breathed in his nasty smelling breath.  “And all I found was chaos and corruption.  Dead whispers.  For a thousand years, I suffered in my confusion.  No more.”  He brought her closer to his face.  “I will enter again under no name but my own, to champion withered Tevinter and correct this blighted world.”

            _Seriously, another Tevinter?  How does this keep happening?_   Shadow noticed the pain leave and glanced at her hand and saw the mark still pulsing.  She sneered, “And just how do you plan to enter?”  Corypheus glanced at her marked hand and yelled in rage.  He threw her with ease and she felt herself slam into the trebuchet, her head banging against the wood.

            “The Anchor is permanent.  You have ruined it with your stumbling,” he said as he and the dragon advanced.  Shadow struggled against the pain in her head and made it to her feet, picking up a sword that laid at her feet.  He ignored the weapon and continued talking, “I will begin again and find another way to this world the nation and the _god_ it requires.”  He pointed at her, “Pray that I succeed, for I have seen the throne of the gods and it was _empty_!”

            Shadow glanced toward the mountains beyond Haven.  _Damnit Cullen.  Where’s that signal?_

***

            Cullen looked down on Haven as the last of the villagers made it safely up the mountain.  He looked through the spyglass, watching the Herald fight with Fiona.  Watching as she defeated the mage.  Watched as the dragon trapped her and as the Elder One attacked her.  He tightened his grip on looking device, cursing himself for not being there to protect her, cursing her for forcing him to let her do this.

            “Everyone is safely up the mountain, Curly,” Varric said.

            “Not everyone,” Cullen murmured and Varric looked down on the burning village.

            When the Elder One threw the Herald against the trebuchet, Cullen looked to the elf at his right.

            “Fire the signal,” he ordered.

            “About time,” Sera said.  She aimed and fire the flaming arrow high, its light slicing through the dark.

***

            Just as she finished her questioning thought, a light sliced through the air a good distance from Haven.  Shadow looked down to hide her smile and tightened her grip on the sword, her dislocated shoulder protesting the action.

            Corypheus took no notice of her changed demeanor.  “And I shall not suffer even an unknowing rival.  You _must_ die!”

            Shadow gathered her remaining strength and stood tall, smirking.  “Well, there are other ways to end your suffering.”  Shadow took pleasure in seeing confusion enter the monster’s eyes before swinging the sword, striking the chain and breaking it.  The trebuchet fired and she watched as the missile went flying striking the mountain.

            The ground shook as snow and rock began to fall slide toward Haven.  Without looking at the Elder One, Shadow took off running and searched for anything that could be a means of escape.  The ground shook and she glanced behind her.  Mistake.  The ground gave away below her feet and she fell into the dark.  She struck the ground hard and her mind continued to fall into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, I just love scoring my own writing.  
> "Honor to the End" from the Transformers 4 Movie Score. And yes, I love the Transformers movies. Please don't hurt me.


	15. Fourteen

            Shadow stumbled down the tunnel, her right hand on the wall, keeping her standing.  Everything hurt.  Her head, her shoulder, her chest, her legs.  Blood dripped from multiple wounds, leaving a trail of red behind her.  Each breath she took brought pain.  And it was cold.  So cold.

            She turned a corner and ran into a couple of despair demons.  _And of course, I lost my weapons.  Again._   She tried but couldn’t summon enough energy to slip into to stealth.  One of the demons prepared to attack and Shadow readied herself to receive it.  Suddenly, she felt a pull on her left hand and her arm raised up, her shoulder protesting the move.  There was a flash of green light and Shadow stared in terror as a rift opened up above the two demons.  But instead of spitting out more demons, it sucked in the ones before her, their shrieks echoing through the tunnel.  Once they were gone, the rift closed.  Shadow stared at the mark.

            _Okay…_   She wasn’t sure how to feel about this new found ability and decided to worry about it later.  She needed to get out of this tunnel.  She continued forward, slowly.

***

            Shadow fell to her knees, her arms sinking deep into the snow.  She tried blinking against the harsh wind and snow, but her eye lids seemed frozen halfway closed.  _Why in the Maker’s name did tonight have to include a blizzard?_   She struggled back to her feet and continued forward.  _I have to keep moving.  Can’t stop._

_**Why not?  You’re dying.  Freezing.  Why not just rest?  Let yourself go peacefully?**_

**** _No, I can’t.  I have to live.  The others are counting me._

_**No they’re not.  You’ve served your purpose.  The Breach is closed.**_

**** _My friends will be worrying about me.  Searching._

_**Friends?  You are nothing but a tool.  Meant to do what others tell you.  They only pretended to care so you would blindly follow their demands.  No one would want to be friends with someone as broken as you.  If they knew the truth about you, they would toss you aside like the trash you are.**_

Shadow felt tears form in her eyes and freeze on her cheeks.  She felt so tired.  Tired of struggling through the pain, the snow, the doubt.  She collapsed against a rock.  _I’ll just rest for a moment._   She looked up and started out of her dark thoughts.  Was that – She pushed off the rock and in her hurry, tripped and fell to her knees again.  She crawled forward until she reached the remains of a camp site.  She touched the rocks.  _Still warm._   She made it to her feet.  _They went through here not too long ago._   She saw a torn piece of red cloth stuck to one of the sticks.  _Cullen,_ she thought, hope filling her.

            **_He pretends the most.  A strong warrior like him can’t stand someone as weak as you._**

**** _No, he said he cares._

_**He sees only the mark.  He cares only for his duty.  Never you.**_

            Shadow moved forward, trying to ignore the thoughts, but felt herself weakening in more ways than one.  She thought she heard voices, but couldn’t even feel the stabbing cold anymore and believed them to be only in her mind.  She felt her legs give and she waited to meet the snow.

            But instead, she jolted to a stop, her body meeting cold metal, not snow.  Confused, she attempted to move back, but something strong and warm wrapped around her and held her close.  She stopped her weak struggles when a voice whispered in her ear, “Thank the Maker.”

            “C-Cullen?” she murmured.

            “You’re safe now.”  She felt her body leave the ground and realized that she was being carried.  She looked up and the dark thoughts fled from the warm gold she stared into.  Then she noticed something odd.  She tried to lift a hand, but didn’t have the energy to and it fell back down.

            “Your hair.”

            Cullen looked down on the woman in his arms, almost frozen solid and wrapped in his cloak.  “What?” he asked, sure that he had misheard her.

            “Your hair,” she murmured.  “It’s curly.”  She thought she heard him chuckle before slipping into unconsciousness.

***

            Dorian knelt at the Chancellor’s side, attempting to keep the man warm with his magic.  He knew the man wouldn’t make it through the night but he could try and keep him as comfortable as possible.  Suddenly, shouts filled the camp and the mage looked up, seeing the dwarf with the crossbow running toward him.

            “Hey Sparkler!” Varric said.  “We need your help.”

            “With what?” he asked.

            “Sneaky’s alive but barely.  Chuckles needs your help with getting her warm and healed.”

            It took Dorian a moment before he realized that the dwarf was talking about the Herald.  He felt the man on the cot move and looked back at him to see his eyes open.  “Go,” the man rasped.  “Save her.”  Dorian leapt to his feet and followed the dwarf to one of the tents.  When he entered, he saw the elven mage, the Seeker, and the Commander huddled around a cot that had been set up in the middle of the tent.  Dorian moved forward and stood next to the Commander, looking down on the Herald.  Her clothes were shredded and bloody, all exposed skin either cut, bruised, or frozen.

            Solas glanced at Dorian before refocusing on the Herald.  “We need to get her warm before I can complete my examination of her injuries and start the healing.”  He waved a hand in a dismissing wave at Cullen and Cassandra.  When they didn’t move, he glared at them.  “Seeker, Commander, I must ask you to leave.  It is too crowded in here and we are about to fill this tent with magic.”  He said this last bit while glaring intently at Cullen.  With a great deal of hesitation, the two warriors left, stationing themselves outside the tent.

            Dorian began to work on heating the tent, setting a series fire glyphs on the ground.  Then he gripped on of the Herald’s hands and started sending his heating magic through her body.  It took time for the heat to spread but she began to shiver violently when her body instinctively searched to warm itself in response to his magic.  Solas leaned toward the Herald’s head and began whispering in her ear.  Dorian felt a calming spell cloak her body and soon her body stopped trembling, effectively warm and calm.

            “Help me removing her clothing,” Solas said.  “I need to inspect all her wounds before I can heal.  I will need you to also continue to keep her warm.”

            Dorian smirked as he removed one of her boots.  “I can see why you were insistent on the others leaving.  The Commander wouldn’t have taken kindly to this step.”

            “That is not the only reason I asked him to leave,” Solas growled softly.  Dorian shot him a questioning look, but the elf was focused on his work though Dorian could’ve sworn he heard him mumble something about Templar instincts.  Soon, they had removed all her tattered clothing, leaving her smalls in place.  Dorian breathed in sharply at seeing the extent of her injuries, both new and old.

            “Her left shoulder is dislocated,” Solas said.  “While I work on her leg wound, would you mind setting it?”

            Dorian nodded and moved to inspect the shoulder.  He paused when he saw that just below her collar bone and above her left breast, there were more old scars.  But these formed a crisscross pattern, as if to erase something.  He glanced at the Herald’s face before he refocused on her shoulder.  He slowly reached with healing magic.  This kind of magic wasn’t his strong suit, but healing a dislocated shoulder thankfully didn’t involve the hand of an expert.  But something strange happened.  As his magic moved over the scars on her chest, a soft glow appeared beneath them and a small bit of magic rose up to meet his magic.

            He snatched his hand back, horror forming on his face.  He recognized this magic.  He looked to Solas, who was looking back at him, his hands posed above her wounded leg.  “She -” he began.

            Solas cut him off.  “Heal her.  We’ll talk later.”

            Realization hit him.  “You know?”

            “Heal her!” the elf snapped.  “Would you have her die?  Has she not suffered enough because of your people?”  The elf returned to healing her leg.  Dorian stared at him for a moment before focusing back on her shoulder, putting it back in place.  Once it was set, Solas commanded him to stand back and just focus on keeping the tent and the Herald warm.  Dorian watched as Solas closed wounds and set bones, the elf much better at the healing magic than he.  Dorian kept glancing at the scars on the Herald’s chest, his thoughts a swirling mess.  He almost missed it when Solas started talking to him again.

            “She should be warm enough now for just blankets.”  Dorian nodded and dispelled the glyphs.  Cold began to reenter the tent, but Solas had already covered the Herald with multiple blankets.  He called in the Seeker and Commander again, giving Dorian a look that clearly said, “Keep quiet”.  When the two warriors returned, Solas informed them of the Herald’s condition and that she wouldn’t awake for at least two hours.  He excused Dorian and himself and the two mages left the tent, passing the dwarf on their way out.

            Once they were outside, Dorian turned to Solas and opened his mouth to speak.  But the elf grasped his arm, hissing “Not here” and with a surprising amount of strength, dragged him to the outskirts of the camp, well away from anyone.

            As soon as Solas let go of his arm, Dorian started talking though he found it difficult to keep up with his swirling thoughts, “She is…”

            “Branded,” the elf finished for him.

            “And that was Tevinter magic!”

            “Yes,” the elf said impatiently.

            “Which means she is a -”

            Solas cut him off that time, clearly upset with Dorian’s wording, “ _Was._   Based on how little magic remains in the brand, she escaped long ago.”

            Dorian ran a shaky hand through his hair.  “She is – _was_ – a… a uh…”

            Solas looked at him in disgust, “You can’t even say the word.”

            Dorian glared at the elf, “I’m currently in shock, you egghead.”

            Solas spat at him, “I’m sure it can be quite a surprise for any Tevinter to come across someone who was once a Magister’s slave!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if any of you feel like certain events are stretched across too many chapters. Believe me when I say that I start off with the intent that an event will only take one chapter (such as the attack on Haven), but as you've come to read, my chapters like to split themselves up.


	16. Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long. I had the hardest time deciding where I wanted to start this chapter and when nothing came to me, I just avoided it for a couple of days before trying to tackle it again. Thankfully, that seemed to work and now you have a new chapter to read.
> 
> Enjoy!

            Cullen stared at the sleeping woman on the cot and once again said a prayer of thanks that she was alive.  He ran a hand through his hair, already disheveled from receiving the same treatment many times that night.  Then he just placed his aching head in his hands.  While the pain was no doubt caused in part from withdrawal, it was also caused by the numerous emotions he had experienced that night, all still swirling around inside him.  His anger when he had discovered her gone.  His terror when he watched her face the Elder One alone.  The despair that had threatened to crush him while he desperately searched for a sign of her survival.  The overwhelming hope when he found her and the war it fought with fear when he discovered that she was close to death.  The sense of helplessness as he prayed that the Maker wouldn’t take her and relief when Solas said she would live.

            He couldn’t understand how this woman had come to mean so much to him, how she slipped past the defenses that he had built and strengthen these past ten years.  A new emotion surfaced amongst the others but he was too terrified to put a name to it.  So he began to pray again as a distraction.

            A whimper sounded through the tent and he looked up.  Shadow - the Herald, he corrected, attempting to put some distance back – was shivering.  He got up to place another blanket over her, thinking she was cold.  After all, she was only wearing her smalls under the pile of blankets, he thought and promptly blushed.  He stopped when he noticed that she was also sweating and she was breathing rather heavily along with making the whimpers.  Worried that she may be sick, Cullen turned to call for help but stopped when he saw Cole standing there.

            “She’s not sick.  She’s in the Fade.”

            Understanding dawned.  “She’s dreaming?” Cullen asked.

            Cole nodded.  “Flames and snow.  Blood stains hands.  Her’s and not her’s.  Death is asked and given.  Why is he here?  This wasn’t how it happened.  Why is he here?  Don’t touch me.  Don’t come near me.”  As the boy spoke, her whimpers also grew louder.  Cullen quickly knelt by the cot and moved to place a hand on her forehead to try to wake her.  But before his hand made contact, her eyes snapped open, fear swirling in them.

            Cullen stopped and slowly moved his hand away, softly saying, “It’s alright.  You’re safe.”  Green eyes moved to meet his and he watched as the fear began to slowly leave them.

            “Safe?” she whispered and Cullen flinched at hearing how hoarse it was.  He got up and retrieved his water pouch, enchanted to keep the water from freezing.  He poured some into a small cup and brought it back to her.

            He spoke as he helped her sit up a little in order to drink, “We’re camped a few miles away from Haven.”  He didn’t mention that they weren’t sure exactly how many miles nor in what direction.  In other words, they were completely lost.

            Shadow laid back down after taking a few sips, the water feeling wonderfully cool against the fire in her throat.  She winced at the pain in her head and the soreness in every muscle, including some she wasn’t aware she had.  “Did the avalanche work?” she asked.

            Cullen shook his head, hating the look that entered her eyes when he did.  “When the avalanche started, the dragon took off and it appeared that the Elder One was in its claws.”

            Shadow closed her eyes.  “So I failed.” **_You always do._**

            “No!”  Surprised by his tone, Shadow opened her eyes and found herself trapped by the determination in his.  “Because of you, we were able to make it to safety.  Because of you, people survived.”

            Shadow tried to sit up, but was once again reminded of just how much her body hurt.  Seeing her discomfort, Cullen got up again to fetch one of Solas’s healing potions.  “But Corypheus survived,” she said.

            Cullen paused before helping her drink the potion.  “Corypheus?” he asked.

            Shadow drank the potion, hating how it burned but appreciated the numbing affect.  “That’s what that… thing, the Elder One, called itself.”

            “Tell me everything,” Cullen demanded, his whole demeanor once again becoming that of Commander.

            After she finished talking, silence filled the tent.  Shadow watched Cullen, becoming more nervous as he remained silent.  _Why isn’t he saying anything?_

            Cullen didn’t look at her, trying to process what she had told him as a Commander should but found it difficult to do so.  All those emotions were churning again.  He needed to regain his control over them.  The Inquisition needed him at his best.  He couldn’t let himself get distracted by these emotions.  He couldn’t let himself let himself feel these things.  He shouldn’t be having these feelings for her!  She was Andraste’s chosen.  He was a broken man.

            In his search to gain back that control, he latched onto an emotion he was all too familiar with and buried the others beneath it.  Focusing on this emotion brought his attention to the reason it was there.  “You never should have faced him alone,” he growled.

            Shadow was shocked by his anger.  “What?” she asked.

            Cullen stood up and began pacing, his anger guiding him.  “You shouldn’t have snuck out of the Chantry.  You should’ve gone out there with a team.”

            “I had to,” she protested.  “I had to do it alone.”

            “You could’ve died.  You nearly did!”  His voiced began to get louder.

            So was Shadow’s.  “And if anyone had gone with me, they could’ve died!”

            “That wasn’t your decision alone to make!”  Maker, his head was killing him.

            “We didn’t have time for someone else to make one!”  She wished the potion would do more than just numb some of the pain.

            “You two do realize it’s still night and that some people are trying to sleep?”  Varric entered the tent with Cole and Mother Giselle following behind him.  The dwarf smiled at Shadow.  “I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be one of them Sneaky.”

            Cullen mumbled something about needing to talk to the others and made a hasty exit.  Varric sat next to Shadow’s cot.  “What was Curly all upset about?” he asked.

            Shadow shrugged and mumbled, “I don’t know.”  Varric looked as if he were going to ask more questions, but stopped when Mother Giselle placed a hand on his shoulder.

            “As you said, the Herald should be resting.  Perhaps you can ensure everyone that she is fine.”  Mother Giselle gave a small nod towards Shadow.  Varric took a second look at the Herald and saw that she was still rather pale and looked exhausted.

            “You get yourself some more sleep, Sneaky.  I’ll make sure to drop by later.”  Varric took hold of Cole’s jacket sleeve as he walked past.  “Come on kid.  You need a break too.”

            Mother Giselle picked up another one of the potions Solas had left and brought it over to Shadow.  “I’ve already had one of the healing potions, your Reverence,” Shadow said.

            The Chantry woman sat down, smiling.  “This is something to help you get some more sleep.”  She helped Shadow up so she could drink the potion.  “During one of our brief discussions in Haven, you said you’ve rarely set foot in the Chantry’s temples.”

            Shadow laid back, beginning to feel the effects of the potion.  It wasn’t terribly fast though, so she was still lucid enough to be wary of the woman.  “Yes…”

            “No need to be so suspicious.”  Mirth shined in the Revered Mother’s eyes.  “I was merely wondering how you’ve come to be familiar with the correct titles for those in the Chantry.”

            Her eyes felt heavy, so she closed them and muttered, “The Divine was a good teacher.”  Loud voices filtered their way into the tent.  “What’s that?”

            “Nothing to worry about now.  Sleep, child.”  Mother Giselle looked over and saw that the Herald was doing just that.

***

            _Shadow stood at the edge of the clearing and was confused.  In the center of the clearing stood four animals; a lion, a raven, a large black horse, and another large cat, this one spotted.  If the gathering of these creatures wasn’t odd enough, they were talking.  Shouting actually._

_The lion roared, “This isn’t what we asked them to do!”_

_The horse reared, “We cannot simply ignore this!  We must find a way!”_

_The lion took a swipe at the horse who quickly moved out of the way. “Who put you in charge?”_

_The spotted cat jumped between the two.  “Please, we must use reason!”  The raven squawked in agreement._

_The horse stomped a foot and shouted, “ENOUGH!”_

Shadow sat up quickly, her body protesting the action.  She could still hear shouting but she realized that it was Cullen, Leliana, Cassandra, and Josephine arguing, not a bunch of animals.  _Maker, that was a weird dream_.  She looked to her left when a hand gently touched her arm.

            Mother Giselle still sat beside her.  “Shh.  You need rest.”

            Shadow shook her head and positioned herself into a more comfortable position.  “Have they been arguing the whole time?” she asked, nodding in the direction of the shouts.

            The woman nodded.  “They have that luxury, thanks to you.”  Shadow couldn’t keep back the snort that expressed her doubt in those words.  Mother Giselle raised an eyebrow.  “The enemy could not follow.  And with time to doubt, we turn to blame.”  The woman stared toward the tent’s entrance with worry.  “Infighting may threaten us as much as this Corypheus.”

            “Why are they fighting with each other?” Shadow asked.

            “They are frightened.  And they struggle with what we all witnessed.”  Mother Giselle looked back at Shadow.  “We saw our defender stand and fall.  And now, we have seen her _return_.”  Shadow was made uncomfortable with these words and couldn’t look the woman in the eye as she continued to speak.  “The more the enemy is beyond us, the more miraculous your actions appear.  And the more our trials seem ordained.”  She glanced back to the tent’s entrance, ignoring Shadow as she began to fidget.  “That is hard to accept, no?  What ‘we’ have been called to endure?  What ‘we’ perhaps must come to believe?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “I escaped the avalanche.  Barely.  But I didn’t die.”  She rubbed at her leg. _I came close though._

            The Chantry woman nodded.  “Of course and the dead cannot return once they’ve crossed the Veil.  But the people know what they saw.  Or, perhaps, what they needed to see.  The Maker works both in the moment and how it is remembered.  Can we truly know the heavens are _not_ with us?”

            Shadow ran her unmarked hand through her hair and slowly, painfully, stood up.  “I hate to disappoint you, Revered Mother, but I’ve never had all that much faith in anything.  Especially the Maker.”  She walked out the tent, favoring her left leg.  She didn’t hear Mother Giselle murmur behind her, “And yourself, Herald.”

            Shadow leaned heavily against a stack of crates just outside the tents and looked around.  She saw Leliana and Josephine sitting by one of the camp’s fires, both looking down.  Shadow was surprised by how defeated the Spymaster appeared.  Feeling helpless herself, she continued searching amongst the faces.  She saw Cullen and Cassandra across the camp from her, the Seeker hovering over a table and the Commander pacing next to it.  Both appeared just as defeated as the Spymaster and Ambassador.  Shadow noted the faces of all the others she had come to call friends, feeling a small sense of relief that they were all safe.  She saw Dorian hovering over a cot and recognized the man lying on it as the Chancellor.  The mage looked up and they made eye contact.  Something that looked like guilt appeared in his eyes but she wasn’t for sure as he quickly looked away.  Seeing the same defeated look in everyone was doing something painful to Shadow’s chest and she was unable to continue looking at them all.

            _“Shadows fall_

_and hope has fled.”_

            Shadow turned as Mother Giselle exited the tent behind her, singing.  She recognized the song as one of the Chantry hymns that Sarah had tried teaching her.

            _“Steel you heart,_

_the dawn will come._

_The night is long_

_and the path is dark.”_

Mother Giselle stopped to stand by Shadow’s side as she continued to sing.

            _“Look to the sky_

_for one day soon_

_the dawn will come.”_

Leliana’s voice joined the Revered Mother’s and Shadow saw that everyone was now looking toward them.  Soon more voices joined and people began to walk forward, gathering before them.  Shadow watched as even Cullen added his voice to the growing choir.  And as beautiful and soothing as it sounded, it didn’t do much to calm her nerves as the crowd grew and people began to kneel or bow before her.  She had to struggle with her instinct to run as she saw the hope on their faces, hope directed at her.

            _“Look to the sky_

_for one day soon_

_the dawn will come.”_

The song ended but the people remained, either staring or bowing at her.  She didn’t like it.  Her nervousness was made evident when she jumped as Mother Giselle spoke, “Faith is made stronger by facing doubt.  Untested, it is nothing.”  The woman walked away and Shadow was left alone before everyone.  She was thinking about slipping into stealth when a hand descended onto her shoulder, making her jump yet again.  She turned to see Solas.

            There was an apology in the elf’s eyes but all he said was, “A word?” and walked away, slowing his pace so that Shadow could keep up as she followed.  He led them just outside the camp where he lit an awaiting torch with Veil fire.

            He turned back to Shadow as she joined him.  “A wise woman, worth heeding.”

            Shadow tilted her head.  “You approve of that display?” she asked, surprised.

            _Do you understand what that display truly was,_ he wondered.  Solas gave her a small smile.  “Her kind understand the moments that unify a cause.  Or fracture it.”  He stared down the mountain, struggling with his guilt, with what he must tell her and what he can’t.  “The orb Corypheus carried.  The power he used against you.”  He sighed and looked at her.  “It is elven.”

            “Elven?” Shadow asked, curious.

            He nodded.  “Corypheus must have used the orb to open the Breach.  And unlocking it must have caused the explosion that destroyed the Conclave.”  He linked his fingers behind his back so as to portray the appearance of being in control and to keep himself from wringing his hands, an urge he hadn’t felt since he was a child.  “I do not yet know how Corypheus survived…”

            Shadow could tell that there was something he wasn’t telling her and while she understood the need to keep secrets, this involved a lot of lives so she gently pushed.  “What exactly is this orb and how do you know about it?”

            Solas approved of her question, even if he couldn’t tell the full truth.  “There were once many orbs such as the one Corypheus now possesses.  They were called foci and used to channel ancient magicks.”  Solas took a deep breath.  “I’ve seen such things in the Fade, old memories of older magic.  Corypheus may believe it is Tevinter.  His empire’s magic was built on the bones of my people.”  He looked for a reaction from Shadow when he mention Tevinter but she was no longer looking at him so he couldn’t read her eyes.  “Knowing or not, he risks our alliance.  I cannot allow it.”

            That had Shadow looking at him again.  “Why would our alliance be at risk?” she asked.

            Solas narrowed his eyes in confusion.  “The foci is elven.”

            Shadow shrugged.  “So?  You just said that he might not even realize that it’s elven.  And there are multiple elven artifacts all across Thedas, it’s not surprising that he would’ve stumbled across one.  We’ve encountered some ourselves.”  She shook her head when Solas opened his mouth to speak.  “No, Corypheus is to blame for all of this.  It would be stupid to blame anyone else.”

            _If only that were true_ , he thought.  “I highly doubt anyone else will see it the way you do.”

            She looked back toward the camp and tried to shift more of her weight to her good leg.  “Well, they’ll just have to set aside blame for now.  I think freezing is the more pressing issue at the moment.”

            Solas smiled again.  “We are agreed on that.  And I may have a solution.”

            Shadow gave him a look.  “Do you have an answer for everything?”

            The elf chuckled.  “I’m afraid not, Banal’ras.  But I do know of a place that the Inquisition can go.  There is a fortress to the north that has been vacant for a long time and waits for someone worthy to claim it.”

            Shadow smiled.  “I take it you learned of this in the Fade.”  The mage again chuckled.  Her gaze turned curious again.  “Why tell me?  Why not Cassandra or Cullen?”

            Solas gazed at her intently.  “Because I believe you should be the one to lead them to this fortress.  They look to you for hope and this is how you can deliver it.”  At the distress that appeared in Shadow’s eyes, Solas placed a hand on her arm, hoping to calm her fears and doubt with his friendship and certainty.  “I’m afraid that the time to run has passed, ma’falon.”

            Shadow took a shaky breath.  “I’m not who everyone thinks I am.  If they, you, knew the truth, you wouldn’t look to me for so much.”

            Solas shook his head.  “We are not the ones who are blind.”

            Shadow tapped her fingers against her leg.  “How long would it take to journey to this fortress?”

            “Two or three days.”

            She took another deep breath.  “Then we leave at first light.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banal'ras = Shadow  
> Ma'falon = my friend (I think)  
> If I ever make a major translating error, please, please, please let me know.
> 
> Also, I've decided that I'm not always going to mention when Cole exits a room. Cole frequently just vanishes and wipes people's memories of him when he does, so it makes more sense to just write some scenes he's in like I forgot he was there because the other characters sure have. So if at any point you find yourself wondering, wait I thought he was in the room, where the hell is he, it's not necessarily me forgetting all the characters I put in the scene (though that is always possible too).


	17. Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the next week, I will be enjoying the open ocean and some beautiful islands and will not be bringing my laptop. So while I will no doubt be writing, I won't be updating until I get back. In the meantime, please enjoy this latest chapter.

            “What are you doing?”

            Shadow sighed when she heard the familiar growl and gave an apologetic pat to White Autumn’s side before turning to face the Commander.  He was standing close, well more looming over her.  She leaned against the horse, both to create space between them and to remove some weight from her leg.  She crossed her arms, the only outward sign she gave that she was irritated.  “I’m getting her ready.”

            Frustration flashed in his eyes.  “You’re supposed to be resting.  And what makes you think you’re riding her?”

            She raised a brow.  “I can’t exactly walk.”  She waved a hand indicating her injured leg, sarcasm another sign of her irritation.  “And I refuse to sit around while everyone else is preparing for the journey.  I may not be able to help with taking down the camp but I’m perfectly able to saddle my own horse.”

            Cullen clenched his hand on his sword pommel.  “You can barely stand with that leg and there are plenty of wagons.”

            Shadow shook her head.  “First of all, we only have three wagons and there are plenty of other wounded men and women who need them more than I.  Secondly, I can’t scout ahead with Solas from the back of a wagon.  _And thirdly_ ,” she spoke louder as Cullen opened his mouth to interrupt.  “Solas gave the okay for me to ride.”

            Cullen closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.  When the Herald had told them about this fortress that Solas knew about and that he insisted that she lead the way, Cullen had been the only one to protest.  He had been protesting based on the fact she was still seriously injured, but he hadn’t gotten that point across very well and the discussion had quickly become an argument.  He looked as if he were going to argue some more but his second-in-command called for him.  He glared at Shadow before yelling, “Bull!”  He turned to look at the Qunari as he walked over to them.  He pointed at Shadow and commanded, “Help her.”  He walked away before she could protest.

            Shadow huffed before narrowing her eyes at Bull.  “I can saddle my own horse.”

            Bull smiled and gently maneuvered her over to a crate, where he forced her to sit.  “Of course you can Boss.”  He turned back to the horse and began to saddle her.  “He’s just worried.”

            “He’s pissed,” she corrected.

            Bull looked at her.  “Same thing.”  He turned back to the horse but continued to look at her from the corner of his eyes.  She kept glancing at Cullen as he talked with Rylen, worry and confusion in her eyes.  Bull thought about explaining the Commander’s behavior but decided against it.  It wasn’t he place to explain another man’s struggles.  Instead, he asked, “So, what happens after you and Solas lead us to this fortress?”

            Shadow shrugged.  “You should ask Cullen or Cassandra that.”

            Bull gave her a hard look as he finished with his task.  “I’m asking you.”

            _Why?_ Shadow thought but she answered him.  “We need to find out more about Corypheus.”  Bull was pleased when her eyes hardened as she focused, though there was a brief flicker in them.  “The Envy demon had mention a demon army forming and we had found a note about a plan to assassinate the Empress of Orlais, so those are good places to start.”

            “What about before all of that?”

            Shadow looked at him in confusion.  “Before?”

            Bull spread out his hands.  “The Inquisition has no leader.  No Inquisitor.”

            “True.”  Shadow thought about that and happened to see Cassandra talking with Leliana.  “Cassandra,” she said.  “She’s been the driving force of the Inquisition.  In all honestly, she’s basically been the leader in everything but name.”

            Bull gave a small nod.  “She’s a good hunter and a great fighter.  But she doesn’t see the big picture.”  He smirked.  “Too busy searching for answers.”  He grew serious.  “My people don’t pick leaders from the strongest, or the smartest, or even the most talented.  We pick the ones willing to make the hard decisions.”  He paused for a moment.  “And the ones who can live with the consequences of those decisions.”

            “Herald.”  Bull and Shadow turned to see that Solas had joined them.  The elf nodded in greeting to the Qunari before focusing on Shadow.  “Everyone will be ready soon.  We should begin scouting ahead.”

***

            When they stopped at the end of the day, Shadow found herself irritated once again as she was forced to sit while everyone else made camp.  Varric eventually joined her and she forgot how useless she was feeling as he told her another tale about the Champion.  She laughed as he finished telling yet another story involving Hawke and giant spiders.

            “Why did he keep going into those caves if they were infested with giant spiders?” she asked.  “Doesn’t sound like he ever did a good job of exterminating them.”

            Varric chuckled and shook his head.  “Hawke would always claim to have a good reason but since a few of those were to collect some rare herb, I’m pretty sure it’s just because he’s a crazy bastard.”

            Shadow let out another laugh as she looked around.  She stopped when she spotted Dorian hovering alone, as if he wanted to help but for some reason kept himself back.  His head turned and they made eye contact.  This time she was sure she saw guilt flash in his eyes before he turned away.

            “He feels shame and guilt.”  Varric gave a startled yelp when Cole spoke from behind them.  Shadow didn’t show any signs of being surprised by the boy’s sudden appearance.  Cole continued, “Why would he feel shame and guilt for something he didn’t do?”

            “Who are you talking about kid?” Varric asked.

            “Dorian,” Cole answered.

            Shadow stood.  “I’m going to go see what’s bothering him.”  She paused and looked back at Varric.  “Uh, if anyone comes looking…”

            Varric smiled, “I got your back.”  Shadow nodded and quickly made her way to the mage.  Well, as fast as her injured leg would allow her.  Dorian turned to her in surprise as she approached.

            “We need to talk,” she said and led him to the edge of the camp.  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

            Dorian smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes nor did they meet hers.  “Well for starters, it’s cold, all this walking has ruined my boots, and the food is just too,” he waved his hand, “Ferelden.”

            Shadow crossed her arms.  “Bull shit.  If that was all that was bothering you, I would’ve heard about by now.”  She smiled, “You’re not exactly the type to keep your suffering to yourself.”

            For a moment, his smile did meet his eyes but then it passed.  He shrugged, “Then I’m not sure why you believe something’s wrong.”

            “Cole,” she said.  “He said you felt ashamed for something.  That you felt guilty for something you didn’t do.”  Dorian’s smile fell and he looked away.  “Add to that the fact you seem to be avoiding me, something is clearly bothering you.”

            Dorian crossed his arms but remained silent.  Solas had asked him to keep what he knew to himself and to not let her know that they knew.  But he couldn’t bring himself to lie.  So he chose silence.

            Shadow would have none of that.  “Is this about Alexius and what happened at Redcliffe and Haven?”  She placed a hand on his arm.  “Just because the man was your mentor doesn’t mean you’re responsible for his actions.”

            “That’s not it,” Dorian muttered, still not looking at her.  But her words did poke at another wound he wasn’t ready to discuss.

            Shadow tightened her grip.  “Then what the Void is it?”

            Dorian remained silent as he thought and Shadow was beginning to wonder if he ever was going to answer when he finally spoke.  “Why did you let me back in?” he asked softly.

            “What?” Shadow replied, confused.

            Dorian finally looked at her.  “Back at Haven.  Why did you let me in?”

            Shadow sensed there was a deeper meaning to his question but chose to answer it at force value.  “Well, I wasn’t about to let you die out there.”  She began to remove her hand.  “Not after you tried to warn us.”

            Dorian’s hand whipped out and gripped her wrist, tightly, halting her movements.  Frustration and a need to understand made his eyes appear wild.  “But I’m a Tevinter.  A Tevinter mage!  You of all people shouldn’t trust me, should hate what I am!”

            Shadow ripped her wrist from his grip and took a step back.  A chill began to spread through her body.  “What do you mean by that?  Why would you think I have more reason to distrust you than anyone else?”  Shame and guilt caused his eyes to calm but dim and he dropped his hand, staring at her in silence.  And she knew.  Her voice shook as she asked, “How do you…?”

            “Calm yourself Banal’ras.”  Dorian and Shadow both startled as Solas emerged from the shadows to join them.  “You as well Tevinter.”

            Shadow took a step back from both mages, instinct screaming to flee but her heart reminding her that Solas was a friend.  Dorian turned to Solas.  “How long -”

            Solas narrowed his eyes at the man.  “I’ve been keeping an eye on you since we made camp.”

            Dorian clenched his fists.  “You didn’t trust me to keep this to myself.”

            Solas raised a brow.  “Was I wrong?”

            “You both know.”  The two mages turned in surprise at Shadow’s angry tone.  “How do you both know?”

            The elf’s eyes softened but he kept his distance.  “You have nothing to fear from us, ma’falon.”

            Shadow wasn’t afraid.  She was angry.  Angry that the only wall she had left against these people had been taken down against her will.  “ _How_ do you both know?” she asked again, her voice made strong by her anger.

            “The brand,” answered Solas.  “When we healed you after Haven, the magic within it reacted to ours.”

            Shadow rubbed a hand over the scars on her chest.  “That’s impossible.  I destroyed the brand.”

            Dorian shook his head.  “You destroyed the image but the magic that placed it there cannot be destroyed by a knife.”  He hurried his explanation as a small trace of fear entered her eyes.  “But time can.  There is very little magic left, just enough to react when any other magic comes close.”

            She dropped her hand.  “So you’ve only known since you healed me after Haven?”

            Dorian glanced at Solas.  “I have.”

            Solas kept his gaze on Shadow.  “I’ve known since you fell out of the Fade.”

            Shocked, Shadow asked, “What?”

            “I was the one who kept the mark from killing you, remember?”

            “You never said anything, to me or anyone,” said Shadow, anger turning to confusion.

            Solas tilted his head.  “It wasn’t my secret to tell.  And you weren’t ready to tell anyone.”

            _He knew but still calls me friend_.  Shadow looked at Dorian who immediately glanced away.  “Is that why you think I should distrust you?  Because I was a slave in Tevinter?”  She hesitated during the last question, as saying it aloud brought forth some memories she had to struggle to bury again.

            Dorian turned back to her.  “I am a Tevinter mage.  My family owns slaves.”  He winced.

            Shadow took a deep breath before speaking.  “Dorian, I trust you.  Yes, you’re a Tevinter and a mage and while that made me more wary of you when we initially met, that would never be reason enough for me to hate you.”  Shadow rubbed her hands together.  “I have witnessed firsthand the evil that lives in Tevinter.  But,” she reached out and gripped one of Dorian’s hands.  “I’ve seen the good.  And it was that good that got me out.”  Shadow smiled, “You asked me why I let you back in at Haven.  It’s because I’ve come to see you as a good man.”

            “How can you be so forgiving?” he asked.

            Shadow laughed.  “Dorian, you are not to blame for another man’s actions.”  _And I could never forgive what that man did to us._

***

            Cullen glanced up from his meal when he heard laughter.  _Her_ laughter.  He looked over his shoulder and saw her sitting by a fire with Varric, Bull, Sera, and Dorian.  Cullen’s jaw tightened when the man said something to her and she laughed again.  Last night, he had seen the two of them and Solas talking intently and then this morning when they had set out again, she had invited him to join them.  Now they seemed quite close.

            “It is good to see her so open,” said Cassandra.  “She has come a long way from the worry and secretive woman we first met.”

            “She may trust us, but she still has her secrets,” Leliana pointed out.

            “We all do,” muttered Cullen before turning back to face them.

            “Are you having doubts about our decision?” Josephine asked the Spymaster.

            Leliana smiled, “Of course not.”  She gave Cullen a look.  “I wonder if our Commander might be.”

            “W-what?  No. Of course not.  Maker’s breath, why would you think that?” he asked.

            “You haven’t seemed all that happy with her since Haven.”  Leliana glanced toward where the Herald sat.  “And you were glaring at her just now.”

            “I wasn’t glaring at her.  I was glaring at -” he stuttered to a stop and blushed when Leliana and Josephine both gave knowing smiles and Cassandra narrowed her eyes at him.  He rubbed the back of his neck.  “I stand by our decision.  She is the right choice.”

            The three women nodded in agreement.  Josephine asked, “But what if she doesn’t agree?”

            Leliana replied, “She won’t.  She’ll believe we are making the wrong choice.”

            “She doubts herself,” said Cullen and Leliana nodded.

            “Then we must show her our faith in her,” said Cassandra.

***

            The day could be called beautiful.  The sun sitting high in the clear blue sky.  Birds flying and singing about.  Majestic mountains all around, covered in snow.  The occasional red lion roar.  It could easily be called beautiful.

            But it was just too fucking cold.

            Shadow bent forward on her mount and tried to warm her gloved hands by blowing on them.  Mild success.

            “Here.”  She looked over to Dorian.  He reached out a hand.  “Keeping a body warm is one of my specialties,” he said with a wink.

            “A shame silence isn’t,” muttered Solas.

            Shadow smiled at the both of them before giving Dorian one of her hands.  Soon, her hand was warm and the warmth spread throughout her body.  “Thanks,” she said, taking her hand back.

            Dorian nodded and they refocused on moving forward.  After a few minutes, Dorian asked, “Do you remember Roderick, that Chantry fellow who led us through the mountain from Haven?”  Shadow nodded slowly.  “I assume you know he died.  Got us as far as the first camp and then that was it.”

            “I know,” she said softly.

            “I helped him walk.  He…”  Shadow looked over as he paused.  “He talked about you quite a bit.”  When Shadow showed surprise, Dorian explained, “He just wanted, no _needed_ , to be sure you were Andraste’s Chosen.  He was terrified of what it meant if it were true.”

            “He’s not the only one,” she said.

            “But in the end, he did believe.”  Dorian glanced at her.  “He asked me to tell you he was sorry.”

            “He was a good man,” she replied.  “And he was frightened.  He had nothing to be sorry for.”

            “Banal’ras.”  Shadow turned to Solas.  All three riders drew to a halt.  The elf mage indicated that she should dismount.  “Before we continue, there is something I must show you.  Tevinter, if you would keep an eye on our mounts.”  Shadow gave Dorian an apologetic look, who just shrugged, before following Solas on foot.

            It quickly became apparent why they couldn’t take the mounts.  Solas led her from the path and further up the mountain, where it was rocky and steep.

            “Any chance you’ll tell me about what you’re going to show me?” she asked.

            “That would ruin the surprise,” he stated.

            Solas reached the top of some rocks and turned to help her up by extending his staff.  Shadow gripped it and climbed the rest of the way up, thankful for the health potion Solas had given her earlier that morning.

            Once she was standing next to him, he leaned on his staff and indicated that she should look towards the horizon.  She turned and couldn’t hold back her gasp.

            Sitting atop a mountain and nestled amongst the rest, was a fortress.  _The_ fortress.  A long bridge was the only thing connecting it to the rest of the world.  Some of its walls and towers were crumbling.

            It was magnificent but the only word she could think to describe it was _home_.

            Solas smiled at her, as if he knew what she thought.  “Skyhold.”


	18. Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys! I've been on vacation and also it took me a while to get back to this chapter once I returned from my cruise. Turns out that not only did I get ideas for this story during my time at sea, but also ideas for a couple of others and my mind demanded I write them down. So this also means that there may possibly be some other works being posted this weekend *fingers crossed*.

            The first thing Shadow wanted to do once they entered Skyhold was explore.  Being spellbound to a cot because a certain elf mage decided she needed to stay off her leg for the rest of the day was the last thing she wanted.  So while everyone else quickly began exploring and setting things up, she was forced to stare at the ceiling of the small room she had been left in.  She was kept from going insane from boredom as her friends and traveling companions visited her throughout the day.  Her “inner circle” as Varric called them. 

Solas kept himself fairly scarce, only visiting to check her leg while ignoring the curses she hissed at him.  Bull, Dorian, and Varric visited at the same time.  Varric told stories about Hawke and Dorian spent a good amount of time complaining about the status of the fortress.  Bull interrupted both with a joke here and there but mostly kept silent.  She noticed his gaze flicker between her and Dorian a few times, as if gauging how they interacted.  Blackwall stopped by to show his gratitude and respect for what she did at Haven.  Shadow tried to shrug it off by saying anyone would’ve done the same but he was quick to cut her off by saying that no one did.  Sera’s visit was the shortest as she came in, declared this whole thing with “Coryphifish” was shit, suggested a way of how to make being spellbound to a bed fun, and when Shadow declined, called her no fun and left to find some.  Vivienne’s visit was a surprise.  Used to the mage’s cool image, Shadow was surprised to hear a slight tremor in her voice even as she criticized Haven as a base of operation, making her realize that the woman wasn’t as untouched by recent events as Shadow thought.   Cullen even visited, though it was with Josephine, Cassandra, and Leliana and the only thing he said was that she needed to stay off her feet, leading her to wonder if their developing friendship had come to a halt due to her actions back at Haven and an unfamiliar ache formed in her chest at the thought.  She found it odd that the only one who didn’t visit her was Cole.

            The second day, she was released from the spell but was still told to stay off her leg as much as possible.  Dorian solved this by taking her to the library he had found in one of the towers where she spent the whole day reading through many of the ancient texts with him.  While interesting and entertaining, Shadow found herself suspicious by everyone’s insistence that she remain off her leg.  True, her wound wasn’t completely healed and still caused her some pain but that wasn’t reason enough to keep her in the tower.  After all, she walked about the library just fine.  Cole’s continued absence only strengthened this suspicion.  She thought about slipping into stealth and found out what it was everyone was keeping from her, but Dorian had gotten her to promise to spend the day with him and she couldn’t bring herself to break it.  Investigating would have to wait.

            The third day brought her the answers she sought but not what she expected.  No one gave her orders to stay off her leg (Solas actually gave her the all clear that morning) nor did anyone try to keep her distracted, allowing her some time to explore some of Skyhold.  Cole was still missing though.

            After sharing their mid-day meal, Varric told her that Cassandra wanted to meet with her in the lower courtyard by the gates.  He didn’t give a reason, only saying not to kill the messenger and leaving her confused.

            When she entered the busy courtyard, she spotted Cassandra talking with Cullen, Josephine, and Leliana.  Wary, she didn’t immediately walk toward them but waited until the Seeker saw her and waved her over.  As Shadow approached, the others scattered, giving her knowing smiles which only made her more wary and, in the case of Cullen’s, confused.  Cassandra linked her hands behind her back and waited to speak until Shadow stood before her.  “They arrive daily from every settlement in the region,” she said, indicating the people scattered about the courtyard.  “Skyhold had become a pilgrimage.”  She motioned for Shadow to follow her and they began making their way to the upper courtyard.  “If word has reached these people, it will have no doubt reached the Elder One,” she continued.  “We have the walls and numbers to put up a fight here.  But this threat is far beyond the war we anticipated.  However, we now know what allowed you to stand against Corypheus, what drew him to you.”

            Shadow stopped walking and Cassandra turned to face her.  Shadow held up the marked hand toward the warrior.  “He came for this.  And now it’s useless to him so he wants me dead.”  She held up both hands before dropping them back to her sides.  “That’s all.”

            Cassandra shook her head.  “The Anchor has power but that is not why you’re still standing here,” she said while gently placing a hand on the Herald’s shoulder.  Keeping her hand there, she guided the Herald to the stairs that led to the main hall.  “Your decisions enabled us to save many templars and mages alike and to heal the sky.  Your determination brought us out of Haven.  You are that creature’s rival because of what _you_ did.  And we know it.”  They had just about reached the midway landing on the stairs when Shadow looked from Cassandra and saw Leliana waiting for them and holding a rather large sword.  Increased wariness caused her to hesitate but Cassandra urged her onward, bringing her to the landing.  Gesturing to the lower courtyard, she added, “ _All_ of us.”

            Shadow stared in shock at the scene below her.  The lower courtyard was packed full of people and when she glanced behind her, saw that those who couldn’t fit into that courtyard were watching from the upper one.  Everyone was staring up at her and was smiling.  Something shone in all their eyes, something she couldn’t identify but yet felt a flicker of familiarity.  Feeling confused and uncomfortable, she turned from the crowd’s gaze and brought hers back to the Seeker and Spymaster only to find the same look in their eyes.  Cassandra continued to speak, “The Inquisition needs a leader.  Who better than the one who has _already_ been leading it.”  Shadow’s eyes widened as she began to realize where Cassandra’s words were leading and slowly shook her head as the Seeker said, “You.”

            “Me?” she responded in shock and the darkness rose up in her mind to answer.  **_Of course not.  You truly think they would want someone as weak as you to lead them?  That if they knew what you really are that they would dare let you led?_**  Shadow struggled against the urge to reach for her daggers, forgetting that she didn’t even have them on her.  Instead, she argued, “You can’t make me your leader.  You don’t know where I’ve come from, what I was.  I-I’m not leadership material.”

            Cassandra gave her a small smile, “And I’ve told you before that I’ve come to know you through your actions, which have proven that you are.”

            “Look at the people, Herald.”  Shadow turned to face Leliana as she spoke.  “They have faith in you because you made decisions no one else could, continued to fight when everyone else lost hope.  You hide your past to hide who you are but your actions have shown them, us, just who that is.”  Leliana tilted her head.  “Someone whom they can count on to lead them to victory.”

            With the darkness, the doubts still swirling around in her mind, Shadow did as Leliana said and made herself look at the people.  As she scanned the crowd, she saw Varric with his arms crossed and a grin on his face.  When their eyes met, his grin grew as her eyes narrowed and he raised his hands and shrugged his shoulders.  She saw Bull, leaning against a wall and looking rather smug.  She suddenly remembered their conversation after Haven and realized that he had suspected, if not knew, that this was what was going to happen.  She focused back on the crowd and again noticed that familiar look in all their eyes and then it hit her where she had seen it before.  In the eyes of the Divine.  All these people were letting their faith show, their faith in _her_.  **_You know all too well how quickly faith is lost.  Doubt is always stronger._**   Just when she was going to turn to argue with the Seeker and Spymaster more, her eyes met the Commander’s and all those dark thoughts fled.

            Cullen watched as the Herald looked over the crowd again and he knew the moment when she saw just how much these people believed in her.  But almost as soon as she seemed to relax, she tensed up again and he realized just how strong her doubt was.  Then her eyes met his and he allowed all of his faith in her show.  _You can do this_ , he thought.  _You are what we need._

            Seeing the immensity of Cullen’s faith, his appearing almost stronger than anyone else’s, Shadow felt her doubts quiet, pushed back by the warmth in his gaze.  She turned back to Cassandra and the warrior saw that the Herald saw and accepted the people’s faith, though there was still some hesitation.  Understanding where it came from, Cassandra spoke, “I will not pretend that no one will object, that no one will demand to know where you are from.  But there will always be skeptics and we will deal with them together as they come forward.”  Cassandra gestured toward Leliana who stepped forward with the sword.  Shadow looked down at the sword and stepped closer.  The sword was beautiful and well crafted.  The figure of a dragon was wrapped around the hilt.  She looked back at Cassandra as she continued to speak.  “There would be no Inquisition without you.  How it will serve, how you will lead; all of this must be yours to decide.”

            Shadow’s eyes returned to the sword and she thought about everything that has happened over the last few months.  The people she’s met, the friends she’s made, and the enemies.  She thought about the threat Corypheus poses and the lives lost because of him.  She felt rage as she thought about how he had planned to enslave the mage children and felt that rage cool slightly at the memory of Fiona’s sacrifice.  _These people are placing their faith in me and whether or not I deserve it, I’m not going to let them down._   Taking a deep breath, she reached out and gripped the sword tightly, determination filling her.  She lifted the sword and though it was heavy, was able to hold it with just the one hand.  Continuing to stare at the sword, she spoke, “Corypheus will never let me or any of us live in peace.  He made that clear.”  She turned to Cassandra and the Seeker was pleased to see the determination and strength in the Herald as she continued to speak, “He intends to be a god.  To rule over us, to enslave us.  He must be stopped.”

            Cassandra nodded in agreement before stepping forward along with the Spymaster, both on either side of the Herald.  Cassandra looked at Josephine and shouted, “Have our people been told?”

            The Ambassador breathed a sigh of relief before stepping forward to answer, “They have.  And soon the world.”

            Cassandra looked at Cullen and called out, “Commander, will they follow?”

            He glanced at Shadow before turning and placing himself before the crowd.  He shouted, “Inquisition!  Will you follow?”

            The people raised their arms and they roared their agreement.

            Cullen lifted his own arms, asking, “Will you fight?”  The crowd roared again.  Shadow glanced to the upper courtyard and saw the crowd there was answering as well.  Cullen shouted again, “Will we triumph?” and again the crowd roared in agreement.

            Cullen gripped his sword and drew it.  “Your leader!  Your Herald!”  He turned and held his sword high, pointing it at Shadow.  “Your _Inquisitor_!”  The roar from the crowd this time was almost deafening.  Cullen smiled as he watched the Herald look from one crowded courtyard to the other before stretching her sword arm high.  He almost chuckled when she added her other hand to the sword’s hilt in order to keep it up.  Leliana and Cassandra shared a smile.  Josephine called out with the crowd, her shout mixing with a laugh.  Shadow stared down at the crowd and smiled.

***

            _Brother,_

_I was right.  It’s her.  I’m sure of it._

_N_

***

            It was an hour before Shadow was able to escape the crowd.  She could’ve gotten away earlier but Josephine had made it clear she was expected to mingle.  Which with the more common folk was pretty manageable, though the look of awe in many of their eyes was unnerving.  The problem was the nobles.  Maker, they’re annoying.  Thankfully, Dorian and Josephine were there to keep her from saying something rash.  Eventually, Josephine informed her that there were matters that needed to be discussed.

            Shadow and her advisors entered Skyhold’s war room.  Shadow paused while the other three wandered about the room, Josephine making noises that indicated how pleased she was with the set up.  _Her_ advisors.  That certainly made this more real for her.

            Cullen braced his hands on the large table and examined the map of Thedas stretched over it.  “So this is where it begins,” he murmured.

            Leliana ran a hand down the back of the messenger bird that was perched on the table.  “It began in the courtyard.  _This_ is where we turn that promise into action.”

            Josephine began scribbling on her clipboard.  “But where do _we_ begin?  We know nothing about this Corypheus except that he wanted your mark.”

            Shadow glanced at the mark, which glowed softly, before replying, “He wanted, _wants_ , more than that.”  She looked at the place on the map that was Tevinter.  “Corypheus wants to restore Tevinter and gain access to the Black City.”

            Josephine’s eyes widened.  “Could this be a prelude to war with the Imperium?”

            “No,” Cullen and Shadow spoke at the same time.  Cullen blushed but when Shadow indicated to go ahead, he continued, “We are more likely dealing with extremists, not the vanguard of a true invasion.”

            Shadow nodded before speaking, “The Venatori have existed for quite a while, though they’ve never been this organized.”

            Leliana raised a brow at the information the Inquisitor offered.  “True and that was due to the lack of leadership among them.  Now they have their leader.”

            Shadow noted everyone’s curiosity but ignored it for now.  She already decided when to give them the answers they sought and now deserved.  “The Imperium have always publicly condemned the actions of the Venatori though if you dig enough, you’ll find connections to many noble houses in Tevinter.”

            Cullen stared at Shadow thoughtfully before speaking, “Tevinter doesn’t have the forces to declare allegiance with Corypheus and war on the south, not with the current fighting against the Qunari.  They wouldn’t dare involve themselves in this.”

            Josephine made a few notes on her board, “They certainly wouldn’t shed any tears if the south fell to chaos though.”

            Leliana made a noise in agreement.  “As for Corypheus’ belief that he could enter the Fade, he’s willing to tear this world apart in order to achieve that.  It won’t matter if he’s wrong.”  Everyone nodded in agreement, faces serious as they contemplated on the dangers.  Leliana smiled, “We do have one advantage:  We know what Corypheus intends to do next.”

            For the next half hour, the four of them talk about the note they found regarding Empress Celene’s assassination and what Envy had said about a demon army rising up but without much more to go on, they agreed that Leliana will have her agents search for more information.  Cullen took this opportunity to bring up the missing soldiers in the Fallow Mire and felt a strong sense of failure when he had to inform her that he had received word since Haven that a couple of the missing had turned up dead.  The Avvar leader had grown impatient and had sent back the bodies to prove his demands weren’t to be ignored.

            Shadow closed her eyes at the knowledge that more people died because someone wanted to get to her.  “How long would it take to travel there?”

            “Five days to a week depending on the weather,” answered Cullen.  “But it’ll be another week before our soldiers are able to travel.”

            “I can head out in two days,” said Shadow.  She hurried to explain when Cullen narrowed his eyes.  “Not alone.  I’ll take Bull, Dorian, and Cole with me.  But I’m not going to wait while more of the Inquisition’s soldiers are killed.”  Cullen had yet to say anything and she could tell he was seeing the reasoning of her words, though he clearly still didn’t like the idea.  “I’ll be careful and I believe Leliana still has some of her scouts down there.”

            “I do,” the Spymaster said.

            Cullen clenched his fists, knowing that this was what had to be done but hating the idea all the same.  He knew that by making her their leader, this was something he was going to have to accept.  Sending her out into danger and unable to follow and keep her safe due to his own responsibilities.  Sighing, he said, “Very well.  The area is also crawling with the undead, so please be on the lookout for those as well, Inquisitor.”

            Shadow nodded at him and then turned to Leliana.  “We may know what he wants and what he will do, but we still need to get information on who, or what, he is.”

            Leliana tilted her head, “I see what I can find.”

            Josephine tapped her board and smiled.  “It’s gotten late and I think anything else can wait until morning.”

            Shadow crossed her arms and stared at the map, her eyes narrowed.  She took a deep breath before saying, “Actually, I was wondering if we could meet in here again in an hour.”  She looked up to see Cullen and Josephine staring at her in confusion and Leliana’s eyes narrowed.  “Not just us but also a few others.”  She listed off nine names and asked Josephine if she could send messages to them about the meeting.

            “Of course, Inquisitor,” the ambassador answered.  Shadow flinched this time at hearing her new title.

            She looked at the Spymaster when the woman asked, “Why the other meeting?”

            Shadow glanced at Cullen, whose eyes were questioning.  Taking another courage gathering breath, she answered, “You’ve trusted me to lead without knowing where I’m from.  Now it’s my turn to trust by sharing that knowledge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter may take a while as I really want to make sure I get it right. After all, Shadow's taking a trip down memory lane.


	19. Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Attempted rape
> 
> Once again, sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I hope you all enjoy it. :)

            _Charming,_

_Here’s my official declaration that I’m alive and well.  Please tell Daisy.  I can feel her anxiety from here._

_You need to come here, my friend.  Things have gotten pretty bad.  That creepy thing we killed in that prison?  Turns out, not so dead.  Hate to pull you into this mess, but I’m afraid we need you here._

_Though, when you show up, please do so quietly.  As far as everyone here is concerned, I have no idea where you’re at or how to contact you.  And I’d like to keep it that way a while longer.  There’s a certain warrior here who’s going to kill me when she finds out I’ve been lying._

_V_

***

            Shadow stood in the war room looking out one of the windows, blindly staring at the surrounding mountains.  She hugged herself as she worried about her decision.  **_They’ll toss you out like the trash you are._**

            “They won’t,” said Cole.  The young man was to her left, sitting on the floor, a puzzle cube in his hands.  A gift from Varric.  “They care.  They’ll help.”

            Shadow looked down at him and smiled.  “Thank you Cole.”  Her smile vanishes as she continues to worry.  She wasn’t so much worried about how they all might react but rather how she might.  _Can I do this?_   She ran her hands up and down her exposed arms, fingers gliding over scars.  _Am I strong enough?_

            “I’ll help.”  Cole looked up and stared toward the door.  “You’ll help.”  Confused, Shadow turned and gasped in surprise when she saw Cullen standing in the door way.

            Cullen knew he was early, a habit of his.  While he had only heard Cole’s side of the conversation, he could guess at hers.  He closed the door behind him and nodded at Cole.  “I’ll help.”  His expression serious, he turned his gaze on Shadow and rounded the table to stand before her.  He could see a trace of fear in her green eyes.  “You don’t have to do this,” he said.

            Shadow shook her head.  “I do.  You all have placed a great deal of trust in me and I want to show mine in return.”

            She watched as temper sparked in his eyes.  “We didn’t make you our leader so that you’d feel you have to tell us anything,” he growled.  “You don’t have to prove to us that you trust us.”

            Shadow rubbed her hands together and tried to explain, “Maybe not to _you_ and possibly not to the others.  But I’m not doing this to prove anything to you but to _myself_.”  She took a moment to gather her thoughts and Cullen waited silently, crossing his arms.  “I haven’t allowed myself to truly trust anyone in a long time.  I’ve always held back.”  She took a step back in an effort to create space to think, to breathe.  She was surprised to find she was closer to the window than she previously thought. “And even though I know I can trust you, I’ve still held back because these doubts continue to surface.  By revealing where I’m from, why I do this,” she holds out her arms, baring her scars, “I’ll once and for all prove to myself that I can trust you, that I _do_.  And these doubts will disappear.”  _Hopefully._ She shakes her head and runs a hand through her hair.  “I know that doesn’t make sense -”

            Cullen held up a hand, cutting her off.  “No, no I understand.”  _Maker only knows how well I understand._   He sighed and his eyes gentled.  “I just know this isn’t going to be easy for you.”

            Shadow gave a harsh laugh.  “That’s an understatement.”  Cullen looked as if he was going to speak, but before he could the door opened.  He quickly moved back from the Inquisitor, blushing as he realized just how close he had been standing.  He glared at Varric as the dwarf first entered the room and gave the Commander a knowing grin.  That grin faded as he caught sight of Shadow’s arms and the scars on them.  He gave her a worried look.  As everyone else entered and positioned themselves around the room, they all took note of her scars.  Some showed concerned, and others showed nothing at all, but no one appeared surprised, confirming for Shadow that she hadn’t done all that good of a job keeping that particular secret.  Once everyone had arrived, Shadow found herself at a lost as to where to start.

            She crossed her arms in an attempt to keep her nerves from showing.  “I take it you all know what this meeting is about?”

            Varric nodded.  “Ruffles told us as we passed through her office.”

            Shadow uncrossed her arms and wrung her hands together, revealing her nervousness.  “I’m not sure where to start,” she said, unable to look anyone in the eye.

            Sera rolled her eyes and said impatiently, “Get on with it already.”  Bull thumped her on the head. “Ow!”

            Shadow gave a nervous laugh and spread out her hands.  “Okay then.”  As fast as she could, she blurted out, “Thirteen years ago I escaped Tevinter where I had spent the first fourteen years of my life as a slave.”  Shadow took a moment to watch the various reactions.  Dorian had immediately looked away and seemed to withdraw from everyone.  Solas and Cole of course had no reaction but Shadow was curious by Bull’s lack of reaction as well.  Leliana and Vivienne merely looked curious.  The only ones who had the shocked reaction she had expected were Cassandra, Blackwall, Sera, Varric, and Josephine.  She couldn’t bring herself to see Cullen’s reaction though she could feel his gaze on her.

            Leliana spoke first.  “Your accent is Ferelden.”

            Shadow was grateful that someone had spoken, though she still hesitated in replying.  “When I first escaped, I lived in Orlais but when the Blight ended, I traveled to Ferelden and I’ve learned how to mimic the accent so as to better blend in.”  She kept her eyes on the Spymaster even as she could feel everyone else’s on her.  _Maker, this is harder than I thought_.

            Leliana tilted her head.  “You have many talents.”

            Not sure how to take that, Shadow shrugged, “I’ve picked up a few over the years.”

            “So that is why you said you have no family,” Josephine said.  “You were born into slavery.”  Solas snorted in disbelief at her assumption, earning a glare from the Ambassador.

            Shadow shook her head.  “No, even those born into slavery have families.  And most Magisters are… merciful enough to allow the parents to raise their children until they’re old enough to work.”  She took a moment to take a few deep breathes before continuing.  “No, I wasn’t born into slavery, I was sold.”  The Ambassador’s eyes widened further as she became more shocked.  “And according to the elf woman who raised me, I was sold within days, if not hours, of my birth.”

            “Was the elven woman the one who named you?” Solas asked.

            Shadow found herself surprised by how calmly everything was going so far.  “She didn’t name me _Shadow_.  I came up with that myself when I discovered my talent with stealth.  No, she called me something elven, El’las’in I believe.”  Solas narrowed his eyes but remained silent.  “Since she was the only elf there that spoke the language, ‘Shadow’ caught on fairly quickly.”

            Shadow’s attention was once more drawn back to the Spymaster as she asked, “You discovered stealth while you were a slave?”

            “Yes, when I was about eight, the same year I began working in the kitchens.  Came in handy when it came to staying out of…” she paused as the first painful memory began to surface.  “People’s way.”

            “And escaping.”  Cassandra had crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes, clearly on the defensive.  Against what exactly, Shadow couldn’t tell.

            “My ability with stealth was of no help there,” she said softly.  Slowly, she gripped her tunic collar and pulled it down to reveal the angry old scars beneath.  She heard Cullen’s sharp intake of breath but kept herself from looking.  Instead she turned back to Solas.  “Solas?”  The elf mage understood and waved a hand, sending some of his magic toward the scars.  As the magic neared, the brand hidden beneath glowed as its magic surfaced.

            Bull finally showed a reaction.  “Fuck.”

            Leliana looked to him in surprise.  “I take it you recognize that?”

            Bull nodded, his body language making clear his anger.  “Some of the elves that convert have similar brands.  Magisters use them as a means to prevent slaves from escaping.”  He glared at Dorian.  “They cause a great deal of pain when a slave strays too far from their master.  The further they stray, the greater the pain.”

            Shadow was pleased to see Dorian step forward to defend himself against the Qunari’s implication.  “I would like to point out that not all Magisters use these brands.  The practice is publicly frowned on actually.”

            “But not illegal,” Bull snapped back.  Shadow glared at him, after all Dorian was a friend, missing Cullen’s curious look at her choice.

            Josephine cautiously spoke up.  “It appears you destroyed it.”

            Shadow slowly turned back to the Ambassador.  “I destroyed the image but recently,” she shot a quick glance at Solas and Dorian, “I’ve learned that didn’t destroy the magic.  I apparently underestimated the help I received from another Magister.”

            Bull held up a hand, “Wait, another Magister helped you escape?”  Dorian shot him a smug look that the warrior ignored.

            Shadow nodded and then held up her hands.  “Look, before I tell you the details of my escape,” she mentally shudders at the thought, “there is one other thing you need to know.  The brands weren’t the only thing _he_ used to prevent escape.”  She took a deep breath.  “Every night, we were locked in the cellar, well actually it was more like a dungeon but everyone called it the cellar, anyway we were locked in and then he would cast a curse over all of us, even the children.  While the brands were painful, this curse was crushing.”

            Solas asked, “What was the curse?”

            She shook her head, unable to give him a name.  Instead she took another breath and allowed herself to slowly describe it.  “It would send us into a deep sleep and we would have these dreams, illusions, that felt so real.  Dreams of freedom, of living a life without fear and pain.”  Finally, she makes herself look at Cullen and found herself staring into gentle gold.  Staring into those eyes helped calm her nerves and the fear that the memories brought with them.  “But what made having these dreams so crushing was that going into them, you knew they weren’t real.  But your senses would tell you differently.  You could smell the air, feel the breeze, the grass.  And no matter how much you told yourself it wasn’t real, you begin to wonder if it might be, and eventually you believe it is with all your heart.  Then, just when you accept the illusion as reality, this voice whispers that it isn’t and you awaken in that dark room, realizing that you are still a slave.”  Shadow closed her eyes as that same voice whispered, **_And you still are._**   “I don’t know how many lifetimes I experienced in these dreams before I discovered a way to determine what was real and what was not.”  She ran a hand over her scars and Cullen closed his eyes as he remembered that night in Haven.

***

_Thirteen years earlier_

            _Freedom.  It made everything feel all the more wonderful.  The sunlight felt warmer, the air smelt fresher.  The tall grass reached up to tickle at her idle hand._

_But she knew it wasn’t real.  It never was.  Blood dripped from the knife and flowed down her arm.  And felt none of it._

            Shadow woke up to cold darkness.  Her eyes teared up. Though she knew it wasn’t real and hadn’t allowed herself to believe, it still hurt to wake to this reality.  She wiped her face and from her position on the cold damp floor, surveyed the others sharing the cell with her as her eyes instinctively adjusted to the dark.  She noted that she was sharing one with mostly women and children, a mix of elves and humans.  She knew there was five other such cells about the cellar – dungeon – filled with the other slaves she worked with.  All in a deep sleep that they won’t wake from until morning.  Shadow sighed.  With the knowledge that she couldn’t help them, barely able to help herself, she prepared herself for a long night of short naps.

            Her eyes snapped open again when she heard the sound of the cellar door being opened and closed followed by the sounds of approaching footsteps.  Then voices.

            “Your father was clear.”  She recognized the voice.  The previous afternoon, two young men had arrived to visit with the Magister’s son, friends of his and one a mage like him, the other a rogue.  Word had quickly spread amongst the slaves that they were Venatori.  _What are they doing down here?_

            She began to tremble when another man began to speak.  “I’m his son and I have as much rights to these vermin as he.  Besides, he went to bed hours ago.”

            The other Venatori man spoke, “And none of them will wake?”

            “The ritual keeps them, asleep ‘til dawn.”  Shadow slipped into stealth when they came into view, stopping in the middle of the room.  The Magister’s son viewed the surrounding cells and Shadow felt cold when she saw the evil intent in his eyes.  She stopped breathing when his gaze fell on her cell and started again when he turned back to his friends.  She quickly moved around the sleeping forms and backed herself into a corner.  “According to my father, it’s a riot prevention method.”  Shadow hugged herself when he chuckled.  “Not that the pests would dare riot.”  He waved a hand at the cells.  “I’ll check to see which one she’s in.”

            Leaving the two men in the middle of the cellar, he approached the first cell, opened it and walked in.  The door wasn’t locked.  None were.  They were merely a symbol.  The real lock was on their own minds.  He searched the sleeping forms, kicking any that were in his way and some that weren’t.  He repeated this process until he reached the cell Shadow was in.  She held her breath as he entered.  Anger mixed with fear as she witnessed his abuse on the children, both at him for hurting the defenseless and herself for being just as defenseless to help.  She almost let out a sound of distress when he found the slave he was looking for.  He picked up a young female slave, half elf half human and only a couple years older than Shadow.  For the last few days, she had noted his increased interest in her friend but his father’s orders prevented him from acting on his lust.  Until now.  When he exited the cell, she moved to the door, remaining in stealth.

            “Found her!”  She flinched when he just dumped the girl onto the floor.

            The Venatori stalker tilted his head as he looked her over.  “You were right.  She is a pretty one.”

            The Venatori mage kicked at her.  “Shame we can’t wake her.  I prefer them awake.”

            The Magister’s son rolled his eyes.  “Yes, well we’ll get you one of those whores you like later.  This way we can enjoy the bitch without her or the others making noise and waking my father.”  Shadow looked at her friend and wrestled with what she could do, what she _should_ do.  But when the Magister’s son moved to remove his trousers, she realized that there was only one thing she could do.

            Still in stealth, she rushed out of the cell and tackled the Magister’s son.  Caught off guard, he was unable to defend against the attack and both landed hard on the floor.  With the mage stunned, Shadow got back on her feet and faced the two Venatori.  Both were startled, unable to see her but aware that something had attacked their friend.  Shadow took advantage of their confusion and snagged of the stalker’s daggers from his belt.  She was clumsy in handling it as the only sharp objects she was familiar with were the ones used in the kitchen.  She quickly slashed at the mage’s face and he howled in pain as blood poured from the wound.  She moved to attack the stalker who now gripped his other dagger, but when she did, she slammed into something, an invisible wall.  Next thing she knew, she felt as if she were being crushed by collapsing walls, her feet leaving the ground.  Her stealth dropped as did the dagger and she screamed due the overwhelming pain.  Just when she thought she couldn’t take anymore, she was released and collapsed onto the floor.  She could vaguely hear the Venatori mage screaming about his face.

            “Shut him up already!” yelled the Magister’s son as he approached her.  He crouched down and gripped her hair, pulling her head up by it.  She cried out at the pain.  “Who are you?” he demanded.  When she didn’t answer fast enough, he turned her over and ripped open her shirt.  He made a sound like a snarl when he saw his father’s brand.  “A slave!”  He waved a hand and Shadow screamed as a white hot pain sliced through her as the brand glowed.  He leaned over her and she began to tremble as his gaze traveled her body, still going through the changes from girl to woman.  Her fear grew stronger when his eyes met hers.  “So you want to take the bitch’s place?”  Mustering up what courage she had left, she spat in his face which he replied by backhanding her.  He yelled at the Venatori.  “Put the bitch back in one of cells!  We’ve got ourselves a volunteer.”

            When his rough hands touched her body, Shadow immediately began to fight back.  Ignoring the pain generated by her injuries and the brand, she fought with all she had, biting and scratching.  Her resistance seemed to anger him further and he switched his intent, his violence focused on causing more pain rather than submission.  Rape forgotten, his rage filled him and he continued to beat her, even when she no longer could fight back.  She thought she heard the Venatori stalker yell something but the Magister’s son ignored him.  He was too consumed by his anger at her defiance.

            Suddenly she felt his weight lifted from her and heard him crash into the wall.  “ENOUGH!”  If she had any strength left, she would’ve tried to hide from the angry voice that belonged to the Magister.  Blood ran down her face and her eyes were beginning to swell, but she could see the rage in his cruel eyes.  His voice boomed throughout the cellar.  “What is going on here?”  His son began to talk but he cut him off with a quick wave of his hand.  “Not you.”

            The still bleeding Venatori mage spoke up, “We were just minding our own business when she -”  His scream cut through the air as his body burst into flames.  In seconds, he was ash.

            The Magister motioned at the other Venatori.  “I trust you’ll be more truthful?”

            The stalker bowed his head.  “Forgive us, my Lord.  We came down here to… have one of the slave girls but then this one attacked us.  She came out of the shadows and your son used a Crushing Prison curse to stop her attack.”

            The Magister turned to his son, glaring.  “A Crushing Prison curse isn’t enough to have brought her to this condition.”

            His son glared at Shadow.  “She dared fight back.”

            “So you killed her?” the Magister growled.

            “She’s a slave! And she isn’t dead!”

            A loud slap sounded through the cellar and the son put a trembling hand to the growing red mark on his cheek, shock on his face.  “Stop acting like a child.  By morning, she will be dead.”  The Magister shook his head, rage coursing through him.  “You don’t even know what you’ve done here tonight with your stupidity, your inability to control your urges.  What forces you nearly unbalanced.”  He turned back to the remaining Venatori.  “Remove the body and quickly retrieve me a replacement.”

            The Venatori bowed again before standing straight.  “What should I do with her?”

            “I don’t care.  Dump her in the street.  Something will take care of the body.”

            Shadow felt herself being lifted from the floor and carelessly tossed over a shoulder. She groaned from the pain the movement caused though she would’ve preferred to scream.  She could hear the Magister yelling some more at his son as the Venatori made his way back up the cellar stairs.  The pain combined with the blood loss sent her into blissful oblivion.

***

            Shadow struggled against the pressing darkness and opened her eyes.  She closed them almost as fast when sunlight almost blinded her.  _Sunlight?_   She slowly opened her eyes again and allowed them time to adjust.  Soon she was able to see that she was in a well-furnished bedroom and laying in a large comfortable bed.  As she surveyed the room, she noticed a man was in the room with her.  She panicked when she saw that he wore Magister robes and tried to struggle out of the bed, but when she moved pain erupted throughout her body.

            “Calm yourself child,” the man said.  “You’ll open your wounds again.”  He picked up a small bottle and made to move toward her but stopped when her fear only grew.  He sighed and hung his head.  “When will my fellow countrymen cease to shame me?”  He angled himself toward the door and shouted, “You might want to come in here, my friend.  She’ll be more inclined to trust you.”  Shadow shrank back further into the bed when another man entered the room.  He was in full armor and had two swords strapped to his back and a pair of daggers on his belt.  Shadow noted that there was an image of some strange creature on his armor.  He had dark skin like the Magister and wore his dark hair back.  He looked battle hardened but his eyes were gentle as they looked her over.

            “You’re awake.  I had wondered if you would,” he spoke softly.

            “I’m not sure if that was meant as insult at my abilities,” the Magister said and the other man chuckled.  The Magister smiled and shook his head before continuing, “This is the man who found you and brought you to my home two nights ago.  You should feel honored.  It’s not every day one’s life is saved by a Grey Warden.”  Shadow’s eyes widened at this bit of news.  _Grey Warden?_   She had heard stories of the Wardens.  The slaves talked of them in hopeful whispers and those who visited the Magister and his son spoke of them with anger.

            This new Magister must’ve seen something he liked in her eyes because his smile grew and he handed the potion to the Warden.  “I’ll leave you two to talk.  Please give this to her should she foolishly open any of her wounds.  If you’ll excuse me.”  He patted the Warden’s shoulder and exited the room.

            The Warden tilted his head at Shadow.  “What is your name?”

            Shadow stared at him a moment before whispering, “Shadow.”

            The Warden crouched down so he was at eye level with her.  “Hello Shadow.  My name is Duncan.”

***

_Present day_

            “Duncan?” Leliana asked.  “I recognized that name.  He was the Warden that recruited the Hero of Ferelden.”

            Shadow nodded, having heard the tale of the Hero.  She felt a small pang of sorrow as she remembered that he had died shortly after recruiting the warrior woman.  “He stayed with me until I was well enough to travel and then he helped me escape to Orlais, training me during that time.  Once we reached Orlais, we went our separate ways, he heading back to Ferelden.”  Shadow’s thoughts kept flashing back to that awful night in the cellar and she wiped her sweaty palms on the back of her tunic.

            Cullen’s mind was quickly processing all the information her tale provided along with the emotions it stirred up.  The stronger one being rage.  He wanted to hunt down the Magister and his son and make them pay for the pain they caused and continue to cause after all these years.  He noted her discomfort and decided that she didn’t need promises of revenge at the moment.  Instead he asked, trying to soften his voice to hide his rage, “What was a Grey Warden doing in Tevinter?”

            Shadow glanced at him and shrugged, “He never gave me the details.  He only said he was there on Grey Warden business.”  She could feel her hands beginning to shake and clasped them together in an effort to stop them.

            Blackwall’s curiosity had increased as soon as she had mentioned Duncan.  “You said that he trained you.  Did he ever mention recruiting you?”

            Shadow quickly shook her head.  “No.”  She could feel her heart rate increasing as the voice whispered, **_This isn’t real.  It never was.  Any moment now you’ll awaken in that cellar.  At_ his _mercy._**

            Leliana narrowed her eyes at the Herald.  “Convenient that the only name you’ve provided belongs to a dead man.”  Shadow flinched at the woman’s cold tone but looked the Spymaster in the eye.  She wondered what the redhead saw in them as she knew she was losing control.

            Josephine gasped, “Leliana!”

            Leliana ignored her and kept her gaze on Shadow.  She saw the fear in her eyes but continued to push.  She needed to.  “What are their names, Inquisitor?  The Magister who was your master and his son?”

            Shadow pleaded with her.  “I can’t give you those names.”

            Leliana pushed some more.  “These men present a threat to you and to the Inquisition.”  She noted the glares she received from many of the people in the room and was pleased by their loyalty.  What surprised her was Vivienne’s input.

            “I’m afraid I must argue with that assumption.”  Everyone looked at the mage with surprise as she spoke up.  “According to the Inquisitor, there is absolutely no reason for this man to believe that she is alive, let alone the leader of the Inquisition.  While you no doubt wish to track his movements to ensure he doesn’t become a threat, you risk word leaking out and then he _will_ focus on the Inquisition, and he _will_ become a threat.”

            Leliana glared at the mage and her voice grew colder.  “Are you implying that my people -”

            Vivienne interrupted by lifting a hand, “Talk just like anyone else.  They’re just quieter about it.  It is a known fact that the more people who know a secret, the higher the possibility that secret will be revealed to all.  The Inquisitor has only entrusted those of us in this room with the knowledge of her past and I believe it is in the Inquisition’s, and its leader’s, best interest that it remains that way.”

            Bull crossed his arms and nodded.  “I agree.”  Leliana recognized a losing battle and backed off.  For now.

            Shadow was grateful for the help but was unable to express it as she was more preoccupied with keeping herself from falling apart.  Her breathing had increased and the dark thoughts just kept whispering in her mind.  Images so clear it felt like she was more there than here.  She barely heard Varric’s voice over the thoughts as he asked, “Hey, Sneaky.  Are you okay?”  She wished she could answer him, even if it was a lie, but she couldn’t bring forth her own thoughts.  Without her realizing it, her hand moved toward one of her daggers.  But strong fingers wrapped around her wrist, halting her movements and her troubled eyes met Cullen’s concerned ones.  _Help me_ , she silently pleaded.  Cullen tensed as Cole’s voice echoed her message in his mind.  Unsure how to fulfill it, he glanced at Solas.

            The elf spoke, “I think we’ve taken enough of the Inquisitor’s time.  She is no doubt tired after a day of many revelations.”  He nodded at Cullen.

            Cullen took the opportunity the elf gave him.  “Solas is right.  I’ll see you to your room, Inquisitor.”  Shadow could only nod to show she heard and Cullen gently led her from the room, past all her friends’ concerned faces.  He took her to her temporary room and tried to avoid as many people as they went.  He kept glancing down at her and didn’t like how pale she was.  Once they reached her room, she collapsed on the cot and placed her head in her hands.  Cullen sat beside her and tried to give her some space on the small bed.  He could hear her muffled words as she rocked, “This is real.  This is real.”

            “Shadow, look at me.”  When she didn’t respond, he placed a hand to her back.  “Look at me.”  She slowly looked up and over, tears dripping down her face.  He brushed one away before gripping her hands.  “This _is_ real.”  He knew it would take more than words to convince her of that so he nodded his head toward her leg.  “Your leg still hurts from your injuring correct?  And you can’t feel pain in those dreams, right?”  Shadow glanced at her leg but doubt remained.  So Cullen pinched her arm.

            “Ow!”  She jumped but he didn’t release her hands, still gripping them tightly in one hand.  She looked at him in surprise but she also gave him a small smile.  He was relieved to see it and returned it.  “You escaped them, Shadow.  You’re free.”

            Shadow still trembled as she felt the dark thoughts flee in her mind.  But like always, they didn’t vanish.  She could still hear them whispering at the edges of her conscious.  Her tears flowed faster as she realized that they may never disappear.  “Am I?” she whispered before breaking down to weep.  Cullen took her in his arms, ignoring his own protesting thoughts, and held her as she wept.  He made a promise to himself, to her.

            _One day, I’ll make them pay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> el'las'in - great secret
> 
> To give credit where it's due, all of the translating I do comes from the wonderful work that is FenxShiral's Project Elvhen.
> 
> Critics are not just welcomed, but encouraged! :D


	20. Nineteen

            Shadow sat up, body soaked in sweat and the mark sparking.  The final moments of her dream, nightmare, lingered in her mind as she struggled to push them back.  Images of men cloaked in darkness, eyes filled with evil, and their words echoing in her mind, **_You will never be free of me._**   “This is real,” she began her personal chant, willing herself to believe.  As she chanted, she felt the movement of someone else sitting on the cot.  She looked up to see Cole, his pale eyes trapping hers as he whispered with her, “This is real, this is real.”  With his help, the darkness slowly retreated in her mind and soon she was able to smile at the helpful young man.  “Thank you,” she said.

            “Expecting didn’t help,” he said.

            She sighed, nodding, “No, it didn’t.  It never really does.”  She rubbed her tired eyes, _It’s too Maker damn early_ , and noticed that the mark had calmed now that she was.  She thought about the night before and felt relief at having shared her past with everyone but relief was quickly replaced by worry as she thought about how that sharing might’ve changed things.  _Things are going to be awkward now_ , she thought, cringing.  _Maybe I should just stay in today._   As if in protest, her stomach growled loudly, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten much the night before due to her shock at being made leader and nervousness of sharing her past.  _Oh, yeah, that’s right.  I’m the Inquisitor now.  Another reason why I can’t hide here today._   She sighed and got up off the cot, noting that she still wore what she had on yesterday.  She smiled as she remembered how Cullen had comforted her and realized she couldn’t remember him leaving.  _Must’ve fallen asleep while he was still here.  Too bad he didn’t stay._   She immediately blushed at the thought and shook her head, trying to clear it.  Best not to go there.  It’ll confuse and complicate how things are.  To distract herself from the strange and most definitely impossible thoughts, she made her way to the kitchens.

            When she reached them, she kept out of the way of the head cook as she grabbed a couple of apples.  The elder woman was raging about how a bag of turnips had been emptied into the fire and didn’t notice that the Inquisitor had entered.  Shadow gave Cole a knowing look.  “They don’t smell the same raw,” he murmured.  Not understanding, but knowing he had somehow helped someone, Shadow carefully made her way through the kitchen, keeping out of the way and made her way up to the main hall.  She remembered how Solas had experience with dreams and wondered if perhaps he could help her with her nightmares.  But when she opened the door to the main hall, she saw a crowd of people standing around and talking.  Or were they complaining?  Either way, she needed to hide quickly as a man had just noticed her and looked as if he were going to call out to her.  She shut the door and in her rush to hide, entered the room across from it without checking inside first.

            Josephine looked up in shock as her door opened and Shadow entered, slamming the door shut.  “Inquisitor!” she exclaimed, startled by her sudden appearance.

            Shadow looked at her in surprise, now realizing that this was the Ambassador’s office.  _I really need to get a map._   “Josephine!  Hi, good morning.”  She pointed back toward the kitchens.  “Did you know that there’s a staircase that leads to the kitchens just outside your office?”

            Josephine sat back and chuckled when she realized that the Inquisitor had gotten herself turned around.  “Yes, it seemed like a good idea since the staircase also leads to the main hall where we will entertain our more distinct guests.”  She looked over the numerous reports spread out over her desk and sighed.  “Hopefully.”

            Shadow saw that something was bothering the woman and leaned against a chair.  “What’s troubling you?” she asked and nibbled at one of the apples as she waited for an answer.

            “I’ve been inspecting our new headquarters.”  Frustrated, she waved a hand at the reports.  “Foundation cracks.  Nesting animals.  And _miles_ from any centers of civilization.”

            _Sounds like my kind of place_.  Shadow tiled her head.  “Not exactly what you’re used to, huh?”  Realizing how that must’ve sounded, she shook her head and smacked her forehead.  “Ah, shit.  That sounded insulting, didn’t?”

            Josephine smiled.  “No, you’re right.  It’s not exactly what I’m used to but our time in Haven allowed me to adapt to similar conditions.  They just seem so much more overwhelming here.”  She stared out one of the windows and Shadow narrowed her eyes at seeing the sadness in the Ambassador’s eyes.  Before she could comment, Josephine spoke, urgency in her voice, “These conditions need to be improved.  The staff _must_ make it presentable if we’re to receive any visitors of distinction.”

            Shadow spoke slowly, treading carefully.  “These people know we just barely survived an attack by an ancient Magister and a dragon.  I think they can cut us some slack on our appearance for a few weeks.”

            “We must make them confident that we, the Inquisition, can survive such an attack again.”

            Shadow stood up and moved to stand by the desk.  “Josephine, what’s really troubling you?”

            Sighing, she answered, “I’m having… difficulty forgetting Haven.”  Shadow moved a couple of reports, clearing a spot, and sat on the desk.  “Do you know who first leapt to arms?  Our workers.  They were so _proud_ of our cause and the chance to defend it.  Corypheus and his army simply cut them down.  So much screaming after that first blast of fire.  So many people turned to ash…”

            “Josephine.”  Shadow waited until she was looking at her before continuing.  “I don’t think anyone expects you to forget what happened at Haven.  I don’t think anyone ever could and I don’t think anyone should forget.  We need to remember Haven and not just because remembering will help us be better prepared for another attack.  We have to remember those that were lost and their sacrifice.”  The Divine and Sarah’s faces surfaced in her mind for a moment.  “To forget them would be dishonoring them.”  She snapped out of the daze that memories had put her in when she heard a sniff and she noticed that Josephine’s eyes were tearing up.  Shadow felt panic.  “Wait, are you crying?  Crap, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.”

            Josephine smiles and wiped her eyes.  “No, I needed to hear that.”  _And so will others._   As she continued to speak, she quickly wrote down what Shadow had said.  “You’re right, we should remember Haven.  Actually, I’ve received word from Marquis DuRellion about building a monument where Haven was as a memorial.”  She slowed her writing.  “It’s what had me remembering so clearly…”

            Shadow’s thoughts turned sour as she remembered the Marquis.  _He’s certainly come a long way from wanting to kick us out._   But she bit her tongue and kept her tone soft.  “I think it sounds like a great idea.”

            “He’s requested our assistance.”  Josephine handed the letter to Shadow for her to look over.  There was a few seconds of silence before she realized that the Ambassador was waiting for a response.  _That’s right, I’m the leader here.  I’m supposed to make decisions.  Fuck._

            She bought some time to think as she pretended to look over the letter carefully.  “I’m sure Cul – the Commander can gather some volunteers to help with the building.”  She handed the letter back.

            Josephine started to write again.  “I was wondering if I could do some fundraising for this project as well.”  Shadow nodded in agreement.  “And I’ll send a representative in your place for the ribbon cutting, along with some words from you that will be read.”

            Shadow cringed.  “I’m afraid I don’t have much experience with making speeches.”

            Josephine smiled.  “You’ve already provided one, Inquisitor.  I may do some editing but they’ll be your words.”

            “Oh, well, alright then.”  Beginning to feel uncomfortable and uneasy, Shadow decided it was time for her to move on.  “Um, well, there was something I wanted to discuss with Solas, so I’ll just go sneak across the hall.”  She stood up and began to make her way to the door.

            “Inquisitor.”  Shadow stopped and turned back to the woman.  “I just want to say that I think what you did last night was very brave.  And I’m honored that you’ve trusted me with your past.”  Not quite sure how to respond, Shadow mumbled what she hoped was a thanks and quickly slipped into stealth long enough to make her way to the tower with the library.  Solas had claimed the first floor as his space, which Shadow found a little strange as the elf seemed to like his privacy and people needed to go through that room in order to get to other areas in Skyhold.  Which might’ve been why he wasn’t there when she arrived.  While thinking about where he might be, she heard a squawk from above.  She looked up and was surprised to see a lot of ravens flying at the top of the tower.  And were those bird cages?  Curious, she made her way up the tower, passing Dorian who was engrossed in a book.  When she reached the top, she saw more ravens and many of Leliana’s people talking in hushed tones.  As she surveyed the area, she saw Leliana and Cullen standing together.  As she approached them, she saw Cullen pass a scroll to the Spymaster and they both appeared to be grieving.  She stopped short of being next to them and held back from saying anything, respecting their shared sorrow.

            Of course, her approach hadn’t gone unnoticed by the Spymaster, but she only glanced at her before focusing back on Cullen.  “I’m sorry,” she said, grief heavy in her voice.

            Cullen bowed his head.  “So am I.”  He turned to leave and hesitated when he saw Shadow.  He looked as if he were going to say something, but instead quickly moved past her.  She thought she heard him say, “Inquisitor” but wasn’t for sure.  She watched him disappear down the stairs before turning back to Leliana.

            Leliana held up the scroll.  “The names of those we lost.”  She moved to a table, placed the scroll down and leaned heavily over it.  “You must blame me for this?”

            _What?_   “You?” Shadow asked shocked.  “Why the Void would I blame you?  It was Corypheus who attacked Haven.”

            Leliana shook her head and moved to a window as she spoke, “When the first of my lookouts went missing, I pulled the rest back, awaiting more information.”  She crossed her arms.  “If they had stayed in the field, they could’ve bought us more time.  But I was afraid to lose my agents and instead we lost Haven.”

            “There wasn’t any way to save Haven.”

            “You don’t know that!”  Shadow’s eyes widened in shock at the sharp tone.  “Their lives could’ve bought Haven a small chance.”

            Shadow understood that the Spymaster was grieving but she couldn’t understand why she was wishing away the lives of her own men.  “Corypheus had a dragon!  We weren’t prepared to take on an army _and_ that.  If you had kept your people in the field, we would’ve lost them and Haven both.”

            Leliana turned and gone was the grief.  Her eyes were hard and cold, her face unreadable.  “My people know their duty.  They know the risks. They understand that the Inquisition may call upon them to give their lives.”

            Shadow felt frustrated as she watched the woman distance herself from her people and tried to reason with her.  “From what I’ve heard from Varric about the escape, we would’ve lost a lot more people without the aid of yours.  Your instincts were right.”  Frustration began to turn to anger as the Spymaster remained unmoved.  “Besides, we can’t view our people as tools to be used and discarded.  I saw too much of that in Tevinter.  Their lives matter.”

            Leliana shook her head.  “But what if Corypheus -”

            Shadow couldn’t keep the anger out of her voice.  “Last I checked, we’re supposed to be better than Corypheus.”

            For a moment, Leliana just stares at her, unmoving.  Then, her face seemed to crumble and she turned back to the window.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry for my harsh words, Inquisitor.”

            Shadow felt drained as her anger quickly left her.  “Leliana…” she couldn’t continue, unsure at what to say.

            “If you wouldn’t mind, Inquisitor, I need to reflect.  And pray.”  Shadow nodded and left. She made her way back down the tower and snuck past the people in the main hall again, not sure where she was heading.  When she stopped moving, she found herself in the upper courtyard.  She saw Solas talking with Cassandra and Vivienne.  Actually, it looked more like they were arguing and she was debating avoiding them and finding the elf mage later.

            “They’re talking about me.”

            She looked at Cole in surprise.  “You?”  She heard her title, or rather _one_ of her titles, called out and saw Cassandra walking toward her followed by the two mages.  Shadow looked back to Cole, but he was gone.  _Wish I could do that_.  Preparing herself, she focused on the Seeker.  “Surely nothing could’ve gone wrong this early in the morning.”

            Cassandra gave a dry laugh.  “Don’t tempt fate.  No, I have a question about Cole and since he seems to stick rather close to you, I wondered if you might be able to answer it.”

            Shadow shrugged, hiding her wariness.  “Cole isn’t exactly the easiest to understand, especially when talking about himself.  But I can try.”

            “I was just wondering if Cole could be a mage due to his unusual abilities.”

            Solas and Shadow both answered, “No.”  Shadow nodded at Solas, sure that he had a better explanation then she.  She didn’t know for sure what Cole was, but she had a feeling that he wasn’t human.  But a feeling wasn’t a good explanation.  Solas explained, “He can cause people to forget him, or even fail entirely to notice him.  Mages do not have such abilities.  It would appear that Cole is a spirit.”

            “It is a demon,” firmly said Vivienne.  Shadow glared at the mage.

            Solas also appeared irritated by the other mage’s response.  “If you prefer, although the truth is somewhat more complex.”

            Cassandra placed a hand on her sword hilt.  “Is he a potential threat?”

            Shadow said no at the exact moment Vivienne said yes.  Shadow glared again at the mage.  “Cole only wishes to help.”

            Vivienne crossed her arms.  “And what will its _help_ cost?”

            “Do you seriously believe that everything that comes out of the Fade is bad?” Shadow asked through her teeth.

            Vivienne lifted a brow.  “I think it’s foolish to not be wary.”

            _Bitch._   Shadow stood straight and placed her hands on her hips.  “Let me make something clear.  I trust Cole with my life and he’s actually saved it a time or two.  _He_ is my friend.  If he wants to stay, he can.”

            “I feel I must protest -”

            “This isn’t for debate!” Shadow cut off the mage, anger in her voice but firm.  “Cole stays.  That’s final.”  Knowing that the mage would continue to argue until the end of days came, Shadow turned and walked away.  Once again, she walked without a destination in mind and found herself walking to the lower courtyard.  As she walked down the steps, she spotted Cullen at the base, standing by a wooden table covered in papers and talking with some soldiers.  _No doubt giving out orders._   He didn’t notice her approach, his attention completely on the tasks at hand.

            Cullen looked over the rough map of the area around Skyhold.  He should have the soldiers practice their map drawing.  This one was almost useless.  He pointed at a blank area north of the fortress.  “Send men to scout that area.  We need to know what’s out there.”

            The waiting soldier bowed her head.  “Yes, ser!” she said before leaving.  Another soldier came running up.

            “Commander, all soldiers have been assigned temporary quarters and the building of the barracks is well under way.”

            Cullen nodded and took the report handed to him.  As he looked over it, he spoke, “Very good.  I’ll need an update on the armory as well.”  When he didn’t receive a reply, he looked up and narrowed his eyes at the young man, who was distracted by something behind the Commander.  What was his name?  Jim something.  He placed the report down and spoke firmly, “Now!”  The soldier was startled from watching the approach of the Inquisitor by the Commander’s sharp tone and quickly walked away, not quite running, but close.  Still unaware of Shadow, Cullen sighed and rubbed at his aching head.  Maker’s breath, he was tired.  He straightened up and could’ve sworn his sore muscles actually groaned in protest.  It was then that he noticed Shadow.  “Sha- Inquisitor!”

            _Is everyone really going to start calling me that rather than my name now?  I just got most to stop calling me Herald._   She looked at all the soldiers working in the area.  “Everyone seems to be awful awake for an hour past dawn.”

            Cullen noted that her eyes weren’t red from crying anymore and their green coloring was bright again.  _Maker she’s beau – don’t go there!_   Cullen felt himself blush as he forced his gaze from hers and focused on the papers before him.  “Yes, well, it’s imperative that Skyhold be fortified as soon as possible.  Haven was set up as best as it could be, but there was no way to be prepared for a dragon attack.”  He felt himself tense up at the memory of what happened at Haven.  “If Corypheus were to strike here, we wouldn’t be able to withdraw.”  He placed a hand to his sword hilt and gripped it tight.  “Nor should we.  We must be ready.”  He closed his eyes as the pain spiked briefly in his head.

            Shadow tilted her head as she saw him grimaced briefly and noted the shadows under his eyes.  “Do you ever sleep?”

            Cullen chuckled without mirth.  _Not really._   “When I can.”  He looked over at her and saw her questioning and concerned gaze.  But he didn’t want to answer those questions, he didn’t want to reveal to her just how weak and broken he was.  So he deflected.  “What about you?  Did you sleep well?”

            “I slept.”  Cullen raised a brow at her short statement and she sighed.  “I had nightmares.  As expected.”  Warm gold filled with worry.  “Cole was there when I woke.  I’m fine,” she insisted.

            “You don’t look fine.”  Shadow coughed to cover a laugh and Cullen blushed.  “Maker’s breath.  I didn’t mean – You look more than fine.  You look beau – well – I just meant -”  Shadow hid a smile with a hand as Cullen stuttered to a stop, took a deep breath, and tried again.  “You appear tense.”

            _Damn, I used to be better at hiding things like that._   She leaned against a pile of wooden planks and crossed her arms, letting out a huff.  “That has nothing to do with nightmares.  I’ve had a couple of… frustrating conversations this morning.”  She added with a mumble, “It’s too early for frustrating conversations.”

            Cullen had to fight a smile at her last remark but it wasn’t difficult to keep the worry there.  “Is everything alright?”

            Shadow waved a hand.  “Everything’s fine.”  She thought about the earlier conversations with Josephine and Leliana.  “Haven is still weighing heavily on everyone’s mind and we’re all still on edge.”  She remembered the scroll Cullen had given Leliana and asked slowly, “I never did ask, but how many were… lost?”

            Cullen’s expression fell and his eyes filled with sorrow as he too thought about that scroll.  “We lost many good men and women.  Thankfully, most of our people made it to Skyhold.  The Bull’s Chargers did a remarkable job of getting so many to the Chantry during the battle and then out of Haven.”  He glanced at the many healer tents set up in a corner of the courtyard, where so many injured still rested.  “Unfortunately, due to the blizzard that first night and our lack of supplies, many of the injured didn’t make it to Skyhold.”  He looked back at Shadow and had to fight the urge to take her in his arms as her eyes dimmed from sadness.  He offered up some good news that he hoped would brighten them again.  “All the children survived.”

            Shadow’s eyes widened in joyful surprise.  “They did?”  Cullen gave her a small smile and nodded.  “Thank goodness for that,” she said.  She still felt a small stab of failure when she glanced at the healer tents though.

            Cullen tried again.  “Morale was low when we initially arrived but has improved greatly since you accepted the role of Inquisitor.”

            Distracted by those words, Shadow looked away from the tents.  “Inquisitor Shadow.”  She cringed a little at the title.  “It sounds odd,” she said as she looked up at Cullen, “don’t you think?”

            Cullen shook his head.  “Not at all.”

            “Is that the official response?”

            Cullen gave a low laugh at her irritated look.  He knew she didn’t enjoy the new title.  “I suppose it is.  But it is the truth.  We needed a leader.  And you’ve proven yourself to be that leader.”  _Time and time again._

            Shadow took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair.  It was getting long.  She needed to cut it soon.  “I just hope I don’t let you all down.”

            “You couldn’t,” Cullen stated, his voice firm.

            Shadow smiled at him.  “Thank you Cullen.”  Cullen felt himself blush again and looked away, pretending to focus on the papers and maps before him.  _Maker, when she smiled…_   He looked up again as she started to speak again and prayed his face wasn’t as red as it felt warm.  “Our escape from Haven…” she started slowly.  “It was close.  I’m relieved that you -”  Her mind went blank as she realized where she about went with that sentence.  She looked at Cullen, startled, and tried to save it.  “Um, that so many made it out okay.”  _I’m an idiot._   She blushed as Cullen stared blankly at her, wondering what he could be thinking.

            _Was she about to say…_   Cullen was startled by her stumble and wondered if she maybe…  Then he noticed her staring at him and his face felt warmer.  _Maker is that possible?_ “I -”  _Say something you moron!_   “As am I,” he said weakly.

            _He didn’t notice.  Thank fucking maker._  Trying to hide her nerves, Shadow clasped her hands together.  “Right, well, I should probably go… start getting things together to leave tomorrow.  Probably should find Dorian.  He seems to pack too much…”  As she turned to leave, to run and hide really, Cullen lightly but almost desperately grabbed her arm.  She looked back, a little startled.  “Cullen?”

            His thoughts were back on that mountain, in the snow, ordering the arrow to be fired.  “You stayed behind.  You could have -”  He dropped his hand but Shadow couldn’t move as she stared into his eyes and the intensity of his gaze.  So much unreadable emotions swirled in pools of gold.  When he spoke again, his voice was just as intense as his gaze.  “I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again.  You have my word.”


	21. Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days! High five y'all!

_V_

_Daisy wasn’t the only one who was worried.  A certain pirate was pretty concerned too though don’t tell her I told you, otherwise she’ll remove what makes me so charming._

_You’re not wrong that things are getting worse.  I’ve been assisting a Warden friend in some troubling matters and I just bet that they’re connected to the resurfacing of that shit face.  How the Void is he alive!_

_I’ll try to arrive as quickly as possible and don’t worry, I’ll sneak in as best I can.  I’d rather avoid all those Templars your Herald recruited.  But I can’t make any promises for the love birds._

_Speaking of the “Herald of Andraste”, I’ve heard that she’s been made leader of the Inquisition.  Other than her name, and the fact she isn’t bad on the eyes, people don’t seem to know much about her and where she’s from.  And you haven’t written much about her which is just suspicious my famous writer friend.  I look forward to meeting this mysterious woman when I arrive._

_Charming_

_Oh, and you haven’t won over that Seeker woman yet?  Maker V, it took you less time with Broody._

***

            Shadow swung the small sword and removed the corpse’s head from its body.  This didn’t stop it from trying to kill her of course, so she quickly cut off its sword arm as well.  Then she gave it a kick and sent it to the ground and made quick work of its legs.  Once she was sure that it wasn’t going to be getting up again any time soon, she turned to check on the others.  She saw that they had taken care of the other corpses that had crawled out of the water.  Like they have been doing since they arrived to the Fallow Mire.  She sheathed the sword Bull had given her before leaving Skyhold.  “Arrows won’t take down something that’s already dead.  You’ll need to hack those bastards to bits and then set fire to the pieces,” he had explained.  She was thankful for the gift, even though it sure felt odd to use.

            She stepped back as Dorian set fire to all the bones, turning them quickly to ash.  Once that was taken care of, the mage spoke, “Cole, you may want to be more careful dancing around me with those daggers.  Particularly when I’m throwing fire.”

            Cole tilted his head, still holding his daggers.  He refused to put them away as he could constantly hear the thoughts of the spirits haunting the bog and “they weren’t nice”.  “It won’t hurt me.  It’s friendly fire.”  Shadow couldn’t hold back a light laugh.

            Dorian sighed and shook his head.  “That doesn’t always mean what you think it means.”  Suddenly, he yelped and Shadow turned quickly, expecting to see another corpse hand gripping his ankle.  Instead, the mage was glaring at Bull who had finished strapping his weapon on his back.  Shadow had to fight back a groan.  _Not again._

            “Watch where you’re pointing that thing!” Dorian snarled.

            Bull looked down at the mage and leered at him.  “Dirty.”

            Dorian’s hand tightened around his staff and his free hand fisted.  “Vishante kaffas!  I meant your weapon!  You almost took my head off!”

            “I never almost.  I either don’t or do.”

            Shadow sighed.  “Guys, we are on a rescue mission in a bog filled with the undead.  Keeping it down might be a good idea.”  Bull shrugged and they all started forward again, Dorian mumbling Tevinter curses.

            After a few minutes of walking and trying to avoid water, which was damn difficult, Dorian started mumbling in the common tongue.  “Why would anyone want to live in this wretched place?  Undead, constant rain, fields of mud.  It’s… ugh.”

            Cole looked down at his boots.  “The mud wants my feet to stay.”

            Dorian eyed him before continuing, “I mean, the Veil is rather thin here.  Perfect place for demons to seep into every corpse, tree, bush, whatever they can find.  No sane person would choose to live here.”

            Shadow looked at the surrounding abandon cabins.  “It wasn’t always like this here.  This place used to be a good place to live.  I did some reading on the journey here,” she said when Dorian shot her a questioning look.  “A few years back, a mysterious plague burned through here, killing everyone or just about.  People were so panicked, they didn’t take the necessary precautions with their dead.  When a cure was created and people tried to return to the area, the undead began to attack.  It’s been mostly abandoned since, save for a few hunters that come and go.”

            She stopped talking when the air was pierced by a screech.  They all turned in time to watch as a small animal was dragged below the water’s surface.  Bull placed a hand on Cole’s shoulder, keeping him firmly in place.  They waited, watching the water bubble and ripple.  After what seemed like forever when it was only seconds, the water calmed and they relaxed a little and started onward again.

            Cole looked up at Bull, curiosity on his face.  “The Iron Bull, do you ever worry about a demon standing to your left where your eye can’t see?”

            “Well, I do _now_!”

***

_Nightingale,_

_Seriously, we’re still using code names?_

_Progress is slow.  Can’t touch the water without undead coming out but that’s a little difficult as the WHOLE DAMN PLACE IS MOSTLY WATER!_

_No major injuries.  Set up another camp, not likely to set up another.  Not too many dry places for a camp.  Closed a rift, there might be more.  What am I saying? Of course there will be more._

_Haven’t seen any signs of the Avvar but I’m sure they’re well aware that we’re here._

_Sneaky_

(Written by a different hand)  _Dreaming memories but what’s real is still real._

***

            The Spymaster looked over the Inquisitor’s latest report again and her brow furrowed as she reread the note at the end.  “What do you suppose Cole means by this?”

            The Commander looked up from the map of Thedas.  Careful to keep his face neutral, he answered, “I believe that’s just his way of telling us that the Inquisitor is okay.”  He looked at the door to the war room.  “Where is our Ambassador?  I didn’t see her on my way here.”

            Leliana recognized a deflection when she heard one but ignored it for now.  “She’s busy putting together the remaining details of the surprise for the Inquisitor,” she answered, smiling.

            Cullen also smiled before getting back to business.  “Have you received any word about Calpernia?”

            “Some, though not as much as I’d like.”  Leliana frowned.  “I hope to receive more before the Inquisitor returns.  I’ll make sure to give you a copy of the report when I do.”

            “Have you heard anything about the Templar that stood with her and Corypheus at the start of the battle?” he asked, keeping his gaze on the map so as to not allow her to read him.

            Leliana shook her head.  “Corypheus’ forces seem to be laying low at the moment, so there hasn’t been much word on them.  I have received news that the Red Templars that fled Therinfal Redoubt have joined up with the Venatori but nothing on the man we saw before the battle.  Without a name, I don’t have much to go on.”

            “Try Samson.”  Cullen tightened his hand on his sword’s hilt, the only outward sign of how he felt at thinking about the man.

            Leliana arched a brow, “Any particular reason why?”

            “Call it a hunch.”  Suddenly, pain racked his body, the worst of it in his head.  He couldn’t stop the groan that came and he leaned heavily against the table, holding himself up with one hand, the other still gripping his sword.

            Leliana places the reports on the table and moved over to him, concern on her face.  “Perhaps you should retire for the evening?”

            “No,” he spoke sharply.  Gathering his strength, he stood up straight, fighting the pain but taking care not to show his struggle.  _I must endure._   “I have work to do.”

***

_Brother,_

_If what you write is true, then we must proceed with caution.  DO NOTHING.  Continue to write, but word them carefully.  Father mustn’t find out.  Write ONLY to me.  I’ll inform the others.  Stay safe._

_W_

***

            Shadow was losing her patience with a particular mage.  During the journey from Skyhold to the bog, he had remained rather quiet, lost in thought, though she had caught him glaring at the Qunari a time or two.  But ever since arriving at Fallow Mire, Dorian seemed Void-bent on starting a fight with Bull and she couldn’t figure out why.  She had remained silent about it herself because it didn’t seem to bother Bull, actually he seemed to be enjoying the attention.  But that didn’t stop her from wishing that she had brought Solas instead.

            They had just finished dealing with another rift and talking with an Avvar that called himself a Sky Watcher, when Bull spoke to the mage, “Nice work with the magic back there, Dorian.  You’re pretty good at blowing guys up.”

            Dorian replied through his teeth, “Well, it _is_ significantly more impressive than hitting them with a sharp piece of metal.”

            Bull smiled at the mage’s tone and held up his hands, “Whoa, let’s not talk crazy now.”  Dorian opened his mouth to fire back an insult, but Shadow’s glare shut him right up.  They continue on, blissfully silent.  But then a few minutes later…

            “I’m curious Dorian.”  Shadow groaned.  _I am never bringing them on a mission together again._   Bull shot her a smile.  “Just a question Boss.  I’ve got a few theories as to why he’s been so cranky and I’m curious as to which is right.”

            “I’m _not_ cranky.”  Dorian slammed his staff on the ground.

            “You certainly do a great impression of it.”

            Dorian mumbled a curse when he had to struggle to pull his staff back out of the mud.  “If I was, it would be because I’m on edge waiting for the knife in my back.”

            Shadow stopped walking and whirled around.  “That’s it!”

            Bull stepped away from the mage.  “Now you’ve done it.”

            Shadow invaded Dorian’s personal space and poked him in the chest.  “What _is_ your problem?”

            Shocked, Dorian attempted to turn the Inquisitor’s anger onto another target.  “No Qunari would accept a Tevinter mage so easily.  Unless it was a ruse.”  Desperate, he pointed at Bull, who stood with his arms crossed and a slightly amused expression on his face.  “And he’s a _Ben-Hassrath_!  A spy!  How does that not strike you as a bad thing?”  Dorian realized he had made a mistake when the anger in her eyes burned hotter and she turned away to pace.

            Cole followed her movements, as if mesmerized, “She prays for patience, but finds none.”

            Bull shook his head.  “Stay out of it kid.”

            Shadow suddenly stopped moving and faced Dorian.  Neither noticed Cole tense up when Shadow’s boots sent a couple of small rocks into the water.  Bull took note.  Shadow glared at the mage as she began to shout, “I don’t know, Dorian, maybe it’s because he has been upfront about being a Ben-Hassrath from the very beginning.  Maybe it’s because he’s given me no reason to not trust him.  Maker, I am sick of justifying every alliance I make!”

            “Boss.”

            “Not now,” she snapped at the warrior and focused back on the mage.  “I have you questioning my alliance with Bull.  I’ve got people, mainly a stuck up mage like yourself, telling me to get rid of Cole because they can’t fit him in a neat and tidy explanation so he _must_ be dangerous.  Never mind the fact he’s been nothing but helpful.”  Her mark began to spark as her temper grew.

            “Boss,” Bull growled as the water began to ripple.

            This time, she ignored him.  “And guess what Dorian!  I’ve got people wondering why I let you continue to hang around too.  Mother Giselle has tried to convince me to send you away because you’re from Tevinter and letting you stay would be bad for the Inquisition’s image.  But I told her to stuff it where the sun don’t shine because you’re my friend and I _trust_ you!”

            “BOSS!” Bull shouted, leaping forward and snagging her arm.  He pulled her away from the edge of the water as a corpse burst forth, reaching for her.  While Bull pushed her behind him, Cole leapt forward and made quick work of the possessed corpse.  Once it was in pieces, Bull smacked a shocked Dorian upside the head, snapping him out of it, and the mage set the pieces on fire.

            Her anger gone and body drained of energy, Shadow ran her hands over her face and through her hair.  “Thank you Bull.  I- I shouldn’t have let myself get distracted like that.”

            “Not completely your fault Boss.”  Bull glared at Dorian, who was staring at Shadow with a look of horror on his face.

            “Shadow, I’m so sorry…” he knew he should say more than “sorry” but he couldn’t come up with the words.

            Bull stomped over to the mage and gripped the back of his robe.  “You and I need to have a talk,” was all he said before starting to drag the mage away.  Shadow started to protest, but Bull pointed a finger at her.  “You stay there.  Cole, stay with her.”  They didn’t go far, just to a nearby cabin, but is was far enough away that Shadow couldn’t hear anything once they disappeared inside.

            Exhausted, Shadow sat cross-legged on the ground, not caring that her clothes were getting wet.  She put her head in her hands and muttered to herself, “Stupid, stupid.”

            Cole toed the ashes.  “Lost control.  Frustrations that keep growing, flying out, fueling words.  Can’t stop shouting.  You’re not mad at him.”

            Shadow looked at him and nodded.  “You’re right.  I’m not.  I’m not really mad at all.  But frustrated is a good word for what I am.”

            Cole nodded before tilting his head.  “Where does the sun not shine?”

            Shadow let out a small laugh.  “It’s just an expression.  And that wasn’t exactly what I said to her.”

            Cole looked toward the cabin.  “He’s not really distrustful of the Iron Bull.  He doesn’t trust himself.  Old but new feelings.  Confusing, frightening.”

            “Uh, Cole.  Perhaps you shouldn’t be telling me this.”  Movement by the cabin caught her eye and she watched as Dorian and Bull started back.  Dorian moved quickly, his face red and he appeared embarrassed.  Bull on the other hand moved at his normal pace and he appeared smug.  Dorian stopped by Shadow for a moment to mutter another sorry before moving forward down the path.  Bull walked over and helped her to her feet.

            Shadow waved a hand at Dorian.  “Should I -”

            Boss smiled and shook his head.  “All good, Boss.  I just put everything on the table, so to speak.”  His smile grew.  “Now let’s go kick some Avvar ass.”

***

_Nightingale,_

_Soldiers are safe and the Avvar is dead.  We will remain here for another few days while our more serious injuries heal.  BUT NOT THAT SERIOUS!  I can just see you all freaking out over that._

_Recruited an Avvar.  Don’t freak.  Will explain when we return.  Tiny likes him if that helps any._

_Sneaky_

(Written by another hand.)  _Still dreaming but none are real._

***

            Cullen watched as the new recruits sparred, his stance fitting for a Commander.  Occasionally, he would shout for a recruit to hold his shield higher or to move faster.  Looking at him, one wouldn’t be able to tell that he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, that he was plague by nightmares full of blood, demons, and screaming.  Nor that he suffered from an almost constant ache in his head, though thankfully it was merely a dull ache at the moment.

            He nodded at Cassandra as the Seeker walked over and stood next to him to watch the soldiers.  “The new recruits seem to be coming along well,” she said.

            “Yes.  Now that Skyhold’s more pressing repairs have been dealt with, they’ve been able to focus more on their training.”

            Cassandra gave a sharp nod.  “Good.  They will need it.”  They let a few minutes pass in comfortable silence as they kept watch.  Cassandra glanced at him from the corner of her eye.  “I heard that the Herald will soon be returning from Fallow Mire.”

            A small smile formed on the Commander’s face at the mention of the Inquisitor.  “Yes.  She should return in the next few days.”  He closed his eyes as pain sliced through his body and he was unable to hold back a shudder.

            Concern filled the Seeker’s eyes.  “The pain has increased, hasn’t it?”  Cullen opened his eyes, hardened by determination, and silently stared ahead.  Cassandra moved to stand before him.  “Have you been able to sleep?” she asked as she surveyed his face.

            Cullen refused to reveal anything.  “I am still able to perform my duties,” he said coldly.

            “Cullen, I am not concerned in an official capacity, but as a friend.”

            He sighed and allowed her to see the pain he was holding back for a brief moment before refocusing on the troops.  “The pain will pass.”  _For now_.

            “Will you tell her?”

            That had been a question he had struggled with for a while now. “She is our leader.  She should be made aware, should I need to step down in the future.”

            Sympathy for him and the Inquisitor filled Cassandra.  _There are reasons for why she should know far stronger than duty._

***

            _Charming,_

_What do you mean you’ve been helping a Warden?  You’re supposed to be laying low, remember!_

_You don’t have to worry too much about the Templars here.  Curly keeps them in line and Sneaky’s made it pretty clear that mages are to be treated fairly._

_The lovebirds are coming?  Are you trying to make things difficult for me?  What about Broody?  Is he coming too?_

_And Charming, I beg of you, do not flirt with Sneaky.  She hasn’t exactly had much to do with people in a long time and I’m not sure how “experienced” she is and you’ll probably make her uncomfortable.  Also, you’ll really piss off Curly and increase the chances of the Seeker killing me when you get here._

_V_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's really going to kill Varric if she finds out about that experience comment.
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated. They give my ego a nice little boost. :P


	22. Twenty-One

_V_

_Laying low is boring.  Broody is staying with a friend._

_And V, you should know better than to tell me not to do something especially when you give a rather interesting reason such as “it’ll piss Curly off”._

_So in other words, no promises._

_Charming_

***

            Shadow was feeling cranky.  She was tired, smelly, and sick of hearing Dorian’s opinion on her hair.  On the journey back from Fallow Mire, she had decided to cut her hair and much to Dorian’s horror, did so with a dagger, resulting in a very short and uneven cut.  Which is what her hair had normally looked like before she had met the Divine and she was fine with it.  Shorter hair was easier to take care of and so what if it wasn’t all the same length.  She breathed a sigh of relief when Skyhold came into view.

            When they reached the stables and began unsaddling their mounts, a messenger came running up to them.  “Inquisitor, Lady Leliana would like to meet with you right away in the war room.”  Shadow sighed and indicated that she was on her way.  _She better be prepared for the smell._   Bull said he’d keep Sky Watcher occupied, which worried Shadow a little as they headed for the tavern.  She entered the main hall and was heading for Josephine’s office when she heard someone call out, “You there, girl!”  She initially ignored whoever it was but when they continued to shout, she turned to see who it was.  She was a little surprised to see two well-dressed humans wearing masks approach her, one man and one woman.  Orlesian, no doubt.  She became irritated when she realized that they thought she was a serving girl, even though she was clearly wearing scout armor.

            The woman placed a hand over where the mask covered her nose.  “Oh dear, what is that smell?”

            “Ferelden, darling,” the man answered.  “They all tend to smell like wet dog.”

            “Excuse me?” Shadow hissed, reaching for a dagger.

            “There you are!”  Suddenly, her arm was being grabbed by Varric.  She looked down in annoyance.  “Nightengale’s waiting for you.  Excuse us, your Lordship, Ladyship.”  Tightening his grip, he started to drag her away, ignoring Shadow when she tried to pull free.  Once they made it to Josephine’s office (the Ambassador absent), he released her arm and shot her a grin.  “What happened to your hair, Sneaky?”

            “I cut it.  Who the Void were they?” she demanded.

            Varric shrugged, “Some visiting nobles from Orlais.  Baron something-or-other and his wife.”

            Shadow glared in the direction of the main hall.  “Hopefully they’ll be heading back soon.”

            Varric shook his head, “Not likely.  Ruffles has been talking to a bunch of them and they all want to meet you.”

            “Wait, there’s more?  And I have to talk to them?”

            Varric chuckled and said before walking back toward the main hall, “Should’ve ran when it was still an option.”

            Shadow mumbled, “Who says it still isn’t?” and made her way to the war room.  When she entered, she saw that Leliana was the only one present.  The Spymaster looked her over with a slightly amused look.

            “Welcome back Inquisitor.  I was unaware that one of your injuries was your hair.”

            _Haha, funny._   “It was getting long,” Shadow said defensively.

            Leliana chuckled, “I look forward to Josie’s reaction.”

            Ignoring that for now, Shadow asked, “Where is she anyway?  And Cullen?”

            “The Commander is… busy with the troops at the moment, but I believe he’ll want to meet with you later.”  Shadow noted the hesitation in her voice and wondered what that was about.  “As for our Ambassador, she should be finishing up a tour with some Orlesion visitors soon -”  She was cut off by the sound of running feet and then the door opening quickly.  Josephine came rushing in.

            “Sorry I’m late. I -”  She stopped her explanation and gapped at Shadow.  “What happened to your hair!”

            Shadow threw up her hands and rolled her eyes.  “I cut it!  Geez, how did you people think I kept it short?”

            Josephine stared at her like she had just turned into a darkspawn.  “But- but before it was… neatly cut.”  Leliana had to hide a smile behind her hand.

            “Yeah, well the last time I had help.”  The memory of Sarah trimming her hair flashed briefly in her mind.

            Leliana didn’t bother to hide her smile anymore.  “Perhaps in the future, it would be best if someone else cut your hair.”

            Josephine seemed excited by this idea.  “I know a great hair stylist in Orlais…”

            “Now, wait a minute!”  Shadow watched as Josephine ignored her protest and started scribbling something down on her writing board.  Shadow sighed in defeat.  “Never mind.”  She looked at Leliana.  “You wanted to discuss something?”

            The Spymaster nodded.  “Yes.  You mentioned in your reports that an Avvar was coming back with you.”

            Shadow explained how after she had defeated the Avvar leader, Sky Watcher was waiting for them and said he wished to join the Inquisition and that he believe she was sent to heal the Lady of the Skies.  “I left him with Bull for now.”

            Josephine continued making notes.  “I would like to speak with him.  Perhaps we can forge some positive relations with other Avvar.”

            Leliana nodded before moving onto another subject.  “My agents have finally been able to collect some information on Corypheus’s forces.”  She handed Shadow a report and continued to talk as she read.  “He seems to be keeping the Venatori and Red Templars separated and spread out.  Calpernia has the Venatori searching many elven ruins throughout Thedas, though for what, I do not know.”

            Shadow placed the report down on the large table.  “Solas had spent a great deal of time in old ruins.  Perhaps he has an idea.  I’ll ask him when I see him next.”

            “Whatever it is they seek, I propose we stop the Venatori before they find it.”

            _No kidding._   “What are the Red Templars up to?”  Shadow narrowed her eyes when the Spymaster once again appeared hesitant.  _What the Void is going on?_

            “They appear to still be recruiting what stranglers remain of the Order.  There’s also evidence of them mining and smuggling red lyrium.  The Commander has more information that he wishes to report to you himself.”

            Shadow wondered why exactly Leliana couldn’t tell her but moved on anyway.  “Have you learned anything about the woman who led the Venatori at Haven?”

            “Not so much.”  Leliana frowned, frustrated by the lack of information she did have.  “Only that her name, Calpernia, is a name from ancient Tevinter legend.  And an unusual one at that.”

            “She was a priestess of Dumat and the foster-mother of the founder of the Imperium.”  Shadow saw the look of confusion on the women’s faces and realized she had spoken aloud.  “The man who taught me my letters had a lot of books on Tevinter history,” she explained.

            Leliana narrowed her eyes briefly before continuing, “A name like that is meant to assure the Venatori they follow in the footsteps of legends.  We must prove them wrong.  My agents have intercepted some letters that mention a merchant they are keeping an eye on.  I should have a name soon.”

            “Glad to hear it,” Shadow said.

            Josephine spoke up, “Inquisitor, I’ve received letters from both the Arl of Redcliffe and the King of Ferelden.  They both thank you for your assistance in the Hinterlands with the rogue mages and Templars.  The Arl has actually gifted us with an ore mine with the region.  They both also express their regret at being unable to prevent the mages from joining the Venatori and send their sympathies for our losses at Haven.”

            Shadow felt a little in shock.  “Never would’ve thought I’d receive word from the King of Ferelden.”

            Leliana looked at Josephine expectantly, “Any word from the Queen?”

            Josephine shook her head and said apologetically, “It appears she is still… absent for reasons unknown.”  Leliana gazed out a window, worry on her face.

            Shadow wasn’t sure what she could say to reassure her, after all she only knew _of_ the Hero.  She decided to try excusing herself instead.  “Is there anything else I should know?  If not, I wouldn’t mind washing the smell of bog off of me.”

            That seemed to distracted Leliana from her current line of thought and the Spymaster gave her a grin.  “I believe our Ambassador has a surprise for you.”

            Josephine immediately perks up.  “Oh, yes!  Please come with me Inquisitor.”  Shadow shot Leliana a worried look but allowed herself to be dragged from the room all the same.  They quickly make their way through Josephine’s office and to the main hall.  As the approach the far end of the space, Shadow suddenly drew to a halt at seeing the large throne stationed there.

            “What is that?” she asked, feeling a little intimidated by the object.

            Josephine smiled, “Impressive is it not?  Fit for a leader.”

            Shadow turned to her in shock.  “Wait, I’m supposed to sit there?”

            “Yes, it is where you will sit in judgement.”

            _Judgement! What?_   “Who am I supposed to judge?” she asked, wary.

            “Those who have done wrong.”

            Shadow couldn’t believe her ears.  “I’m supposed to judge everyone who does wrong?  Aren’t I killing enough people as it is?”

            Josephine finally seemed to notice her distress.  “It needn’t come to that.  Justice has many tools.  If their application is clever, execution could seem merciful.”

            _Not exactly making me feel any better._   She stared at the angry looking throne.  “That is- that’s a lot of responsibility.”

            Josephine took her arm again.  “Come, let me show you something that will hopefully lessen that dread you’re feeling.”  She then led Shadow through a side door which led to an area with a lot of stairs and plenty of other doors leading off of them.  As they made their way up them, Josephine pointed out which doors led to her quarters and Leliana’s.  Shadow was curious as to where Cullen slept, but for some reason the thought made her blush and she decided against asking.  They reached the last door which led to _more_ stairs.  Shadow felt herself becoming cranky again, but when they reached the top of these stairs, she felt her jaw drop.

            Before her was a room larger than the cabin she slept in back at Haven and far larger than any room she had ever slept in before.  The floor was covered with Orlesian rugs, an Orlesian couch rested against the railing overlooking the stairs, and there was a large bed also from Orlais against the wall that Shadow saw also had a balcony overlooking the room.  There was a closet, dresser, and an armor stand set up in one corner and in another… Shadow gasped in surprise and excitement at seeing the bookshelves that stood behind the desk.  She rushed over and lightly touched a few of the books.

            Josephine smiled at seeing the almost child-like look of joy on the Inquisitor’s face.  “Dorian mentioned how much you enjoyed the library here in Skyhold and I remembered that during much of your free time in Haven, when you weren’t in your cabin, you were hiding out in the small library we had there.”

            Shadow continued to brush her fingers over the spines of the books.  “Learning how to read was the first gift anyone had ever given to me,” she whispered.

            Josephine looked over the books.  “I wasn’t sure what you preferred to read, so I asked for some suggestions.”  Shadow noted that the books did cover a wide range of topics, from _Understanding the Fade_ to _History of the Order_ to _Classic Ferelden Stories_.  Shadow smiled when she saw that there was a copy of every one of Varric’s books, signed of course.  She blushed when she came across a rather racy book with a handwritten note of encouragement from Dorian inside, _Enjoy ;)_   She quickly slid it back and turned to face Josephine as she continued to talk, “As you can see, there is plenty of room left for you to add more.  If there’s any you wish to have, you only need – oh!”  Josephine was initially startled when Shadow suddenly hugged her, but eventually returned the hug.

            Shadow took a step back and wiped away some tears that had tried to escape down her cheeks.  “Thank you, Josephine.”  The Ambassador had to blink quickly to keep back her own tears at seeing the how touched Shadow was by the gift.  “This is the second greatest gift I’ve ever received.”

            Josephine opened her mouth to speak when there was a knock on the door.  Turning, she shouted, “Enter” and a messenger came bounding up the steps.  He bowed to the Ambassador and Inquisitor before focusing on Shadow.  “Inquisitor, the Commander wishes to speak to you in his office at your earliest convenience.”

            “Thank you.”  When the messenger had left, Shadow realized she had no idea where that was.  “Um, where _is_ his office?”

            Josephine laughed and gave her directions.  She caught Shadow’s look of disgust when she looked down at her clothes.  “I’m sure the Commander would understand if you took the time to clean up.”  She felt a bubble of laughter escape her again at the hopeful look on the Inquisitor’s face.  “There’s a tub right through that door and there are clean clothes in the closet.  I already had the tub filled and it is enchanted, so the water should still be warm.  Just tell one of the serving girls in the hall when you’re finished and they will clean it up.  I would like to speak to you after dinner regarding some of our guests, so I’ll see you in my office later this evening.”

            Shadow smiled at the Ambassador.  “Thank you again, Josephine.”

            “It was my pleasure.”  Smiling, she turned to leave.  She couldn’t wait to tell Leliana just how perfect the surprise really was.  Once she had closed the door, Shadow stripped out of her armor and dirty clothes and quickly got into the large tub.  Just as Josephine promised, the water was still warm and Shadow moaned as her sore muscles began to feel better.  When she was done bathing, she looked into the closet and found many casual dresses inside.  _Not exactly my style_.  She peeked into the dresser drawers and found some trousers and shirts.  She slipped on a pair of tan pants and a light blue shirt.  Finally, after putting on a pair of nice brown boots, she looked at herself in the mirror.  She glared at her hair, a little disgusted with herself for finding that her earlier “I could care less” opinion had started to change.  She looked over her clothes.  _Well, you’ve certainly come a long way from the escaped slave living on her own._   With one last glare at her hair, she set out to find Cullen’s office.

            As she approached his door, she noted the improvements to Skyhold and was happy to see less wounded near the healers’ tents.  She knocked on the door and heard Cullen call out, “Enter”, though when she did, she saw that he was busy giving orders to a soldier and hadn’t even looked over.  Okay with waiting, she didn’t really have anything that needed to be done, she took the time to look over his new office.  She noted the rather large desk he had and that it was covered in reports.  _How does he keep track of all of those?_   She wandered over to his bookshelves and looked them over, noting all the texts on armies and strategy.  She saw that there were actually three doors to his office and that there was a ladder that led to a loft above his office.  _Wonder what’s up there_ , she thought as she stared up.  Not wanting to snoop while he knew she was there, she decided to take a peek another time.  She turned to face Cullen as she heard him finishing up with the soldier.

            Once he was finished giving the soldier tonight’s duty roster, Cullen mentally prepared himself to face the Inquisitor and turned.  “Inquisitor, I -”  He stopped as he took in her appearance.  The clothes she was wearing weren’t anything he has normally seen her wear and he realized that Josephine must’ve shown her her new quarters.  Her hair was wet, recently washed and was still lightly dripping on her shirt, which seemed to cling to her body, no doubt still drying.  Cullen felt himself blush as he once again found himself thinking about her bathing and – _Stop it!  Stop it now!_   He refocused on her hair and noticed that it was short again, or rather, shorter.  And clearly cut by a dagger.  While such a look may appear messy and horrible on anyone else, on her it was… her.  Right.  Perfect.

            Shadow felt nervous as he continued to stare at her and figured he was thinking the same thing as everyone else about her hair.  She ran a hand through it and looked down at her boots.  “Trust me, I know how awful this looks.  I’ve been informed that it would be best I no longer cut it myself.”

            _Maker’s breath, don’t just stare at her!  Say something you fool!_   “No, it- it looks nice.”  _Nice?  Really? That’s what you come up with?_

            Shadow looked back up and gave him a small smile, hoping she wasn’t blushing.  She was sure that he was lying through his teeth and being polite, but she still felt warm at what he said.  “Um, you wanted to discuss something?”

            Cullen snaps out of his own thoughts.  “What?  Oh, yes, right.”  He looked down at his desk and the reports on it, collecting his thoughts and refocusing them.  He took a deep breath.  “We’ve received conformation on who organized the events at Redoubt, stood next to Calpernia and Corypheus, and who now leads what remains of the Red Templars.  His name is Raleigh Samson.”

            Shadow arched a brow as he tone grew harsher as he spoke, almost spitting out the name.  “You know him.”  It wasn’t a question.

            Cullen stood straight and placed a hand on his sword’s hilt and nodded.  “He was a Templar in Kirkwall and when I first arrived there, we shared quarters.  He _seemed_ to be a decent man.”

            Cullen walked over to the bookshelves and Shadow leaned a little against the ladder.  She could tell that this topic was agitating him.   “Seemed?”

            “During my first few months in Kirkwall, I had troubles… with the adjustment, so I didn’t pay that much attention to his actions.  But then I began to hear these rumors involving him and some of the mages and I noticed that he seemed to have issues with some of the senior Templars.  Within the year, Knight-Commander Meredith had expelled him from the Order for ‘erratic behavior’.”  Cullen closed his eyes as the old guilt struck him.  “Overtime, I came to realize that his actions, while against regulations, didn’t warrant the harsh punishment he had received.”

            Shadow saw that this seemed to hurt him but she couldn’t understand why.  “What happened to him?” she asked softly.

            Cullen opened his eyes and turned to her, his eyes hard.  “He ended up begging on Kirkwall’s streets.  He had a chronic addiction to lyrium and did what he could to continue to feed that addiction.  When begging didn’t get him the coin he needed, he began to steal and committed other crimes, progressively becoming more violent as years passed.  We were never sure how, but he managed to evade the Order’s justice and soon after the mage rebellion began, he disappeared.”

            Shadow was curious how someone could express anger, guilt, and then anger again within the same conversation about the same person.  She could tell there was something more personal between Cullen and Samson and wondered what that could be.  “And now he serves Corypheus.  Why do you think he joined him?”

            Cullen shrugged.  “Perhaps he flattered Samson’s vanity, giving him purpose again.  And it appears Corypheus has given him red lyrium. Which is nothing like the lyrium given to the Order by the Chantry.  Its power comes with a terrible madness.”  He thinks about Meredith.

            She thinks about Redoubt.  “What we saw at Redoubt was proof of that.”

            Determination sparked in his eyes.  “We cannot allow them to gain strength.  The Red Templars will require more red lyrium.  If we find their source, we can weaken them and their leader.  Caravans smuggling red lyrium have been spotted along trade roads, more so in the Emerald Graves.  Investigating them could lead to where it’s being mined.”

            “I’ll ask Leliana to send some scouts to set up a safe camp and head out there myself as soon as that’s done.”

            Cullen remembered Samson’s ruthless expression and worry filled his mind.  “If you confront any Red Templars, be wary.  Anything connected to Samson will no doubt be well guarded.”

            Shadow smiled, “I’ve survived quite a bit in my life.  I’m pretty sure I can take on Templars.”

            “Samson will do whatever it takes to get what he wants.  He has no integrity,” Cullen snarled.

            Shadow’s smile fell.  “Are you angry at Corypheus or Samson?”

            Cullen sighed.  “I don’t know.  I suppose both, although Samson, at least, should know better.  I knew he was an addict but this…”

            “We’ll stop him, Cullen, before he can hurt anyone else.”

            Cullen gave her a small smile but it falls again when he catches sight of the small box on his desk, reminding him of the other thing he had to tell her.  “There is one more thing I need to discuss with you.”

            “Regarding Samson?”

            “Regarding myself.”  Shadow’s eyes widened in surprise but she remained silent.  Cullen placed a hand on the box.  “As leader of the Inquisition, you have a right to know.”  He hesitated, wishing he didn’t have to tell her.

            Shadow saw his hesitation.  “You’re my friend, Cullen.  You can tell me anything.”

            He almost gave a sarcastic laugh.  _If only that were completely true_ , he thought.  Instead, he nodded.  “Thank you.”  He opened the box and she drew closer to the desk to see inside.  She saw that nestled in the box was a small vial of lyrium.  “As you know, lyrium grants Templars our abilities.”  She nodded.  “But it controls us as well, leashing us to the Chantry’s will.  Those who are cut off suffer.  Some go mad while others die.”

            _That explains why Samson went to such lengths to acquire lyrium_ , she thought.

            Cullen tore his gaze from the swirling blue liquid and looked at her.  “We’ve secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here, but I… no longer take it.”

            _Wait, what?_   Shocked, she asked, “You stopped?”

            He nodded, closing the box.  “When Lady Cassandra asked me to join the Inquisition, I wanted to sever all ties with the Order.  It’s been months now…”

            Shadow took a step forward, fear latching onto her.  “Cullen, if this could _kill_ you -”

            “It hasn’t yet.  After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t… I will not be bound to the Order – to that life – any longer.  Whatever the suffering, I accept it.”

            Shadow rubbed at her arm, unable to leash the fear in her.  _Months.  How could I have missed –_

 ** _Because you have been too wrapped up in your own problems, your own pain.  You selfish bitch._**  

Shadow flinched at the harsh but true words.  “Cullen, I…”  _Don’t know what to say._

Cullen looked at her and mistook her fear and hesitation as doubt.  “I would not put the Inquisition at risk, Inquisitor.  I have asked Seeker Pentaghast to… watch me.  If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”

 _No!_   Shadow couldn’t accept that.  But she didn’t know enough about lyrium and its effects.  She decided to seek out the Seeker later and have a talk with her.  She looked Cullen over.  “Are you in pain?” she asked, looking for some sign he was.

            “I can endure it,” he said.

            Shadow huffed in frustration.  “That wasn’t what I asked.”  She stared at him expectantly, crossing her arms and waiting for the answer she sought, unaware that she mimicked the Seeker.

            Cullen sighed and almost smiled at her stance.  “Today has been a good day, though others… have not.”

            _That wasn’t much more of an answer but we’ll try again later._   “Thank for telling me.”

            Cullen nodded, pleased that she had taken this so well and hurried to reassure her more.  “The Inquisition’s army must always take priority.”  _Why was she frowning?  Did she question his sincerity?_   “Should anything happen… I will defer to Cassandra’s judgement.”

            _Fuck the Inquisition._ Shadow wasn’t happy with how he seemed to think that his well-being didn’t hold any importance when compared to the Inquisition.  Well, that was going to have to change.  “Cullen, although I’m tempted to argue how you prioritize, I respect your decision.”

            “Thank yo -”  Cullen stopped in surprise when Shadow held up a hand.

            “But – oh stop with that look, I’m not about to fire you – I want you to make me a promise.  Kind of like the one I made you.”  Cullen tilted his head, not sure where this was going.  “I know I can’t help with the pain… but you don’t need to endure it alone.  Like you told me that I can come to you when I’m feeling… overwhelmed, you can also come to me.  Or write, since it looks like I’ll be running all over Thedas for the foreseeable future.”

            Cullen felt something he couldn’t name warm him as she offered this, not quite able to believe it.  And it was this non-believing side that said, “I don’t wish to make myself a burden.”

            Shadow shrugged, “I could make it an order if that helps.”  She straightened up and lowered her voice, mocking his commanding tone.  “Commander, as your Inquisitor, I hereby order you to come talk to me when you are feeling overwhelmed.  And for when I am not within Skyhold, write to tell me how you are doing.”  She smiled when Cullen chuckled at her ridiculous performance.

            Cullen smiled at her.  “Very well, I promise.  Though I should point out that Cole tends to keep _your_ promise for you.”

            Shadow cringed.  “I’m working on that,” she said, smiling sheepishly.

            Cullen rubbed the back of his neck.  “Um, how _are_ you doing?  Cole mentioned dreams…”

            “Nightmares would be a better description.”  When a look of worry filled the Commander’s face, she hurried to reassure him.  “Ordinary nightmares.  They don’t… linger after waking.”  Right then, a soldier came rushing into the Cullen’s office.  Cullen glared at the man, irritated by the interruption.  “What?” he demanded.

            “Sir, there’s a disturbance outside Skyhold’s walls.”

            Irritation vanished.  “Are we under attack?”

            “Not… exactly sir.”  Irritation came rushing back.

            “Then what’s the problem?” Shadow asked, feeling a little irritated by the interruption herself.

            The soldier sensed both their feelings and really wished someone else had been chosen to bring the Commander this news.  “There’s a man throwing… goats at the fortress, Inquisitor.”

            Cullen and Shadow looked at each other in confusion.  “Goats?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've always wondered what exactly happens to the other "vessel" options when you choose either mages or templars. While the failing person is clearly not chosen to be the "vessel" it's not clear whether they die or not. So I've decided that in this case, Samson still lives and still leads the Red Templars but lost his chance at being the "vessel". I just refuse to believe the man doesn't remain a problem after saving the Templars at Redoubt.
> 
> Comments are always welcomed and greatly appreciated. :D


	23. Twenty-Two

            Shadow found her first experience of passing judgement a little easier than she was expecting and even a little funny, though she had to be careful not to show that as Josephine made it clear that this was to be treated seriously.  But that was a little difficult when passing judgement on a man who had thrown goats at Skyhold’s walls just to uphold tradition.  And Dorian and Varric weren’t making it easy with their snickers.  There had been a tense moment after she had passed judgement when Chief Movran the Under stopped and made eye contact with Sky Watcher.  Concerned that the Chief was going to attack the man who had left his tribe for the Inquisition, Shadow had started to stand and she had noticed that all the warriors in the room cautiously place their hands on their weapons.  But the Chief had merely nodded at the other Avvar and continued on.

            As everyone began to filter from the hall and return to their duties, Shadow saw Cassandra and quickly made her way to the Seeker.  “Cassandra!”

            The warrior turned and waited for Shadow to reach her.  “Inquisitor,” she greeted.

            _I really really hate titles_ , she thought bitterly.  She was never going to get these people to call her “Shadow” ever again.  Pushing aside her frustration, she said, “I was wondering if I could speak with you.”  She noticed a few nobles trying, and failing, to casually eavesdrop and she narrowed her eyes at them.  “In private?”  Mild curiosity crossed the Seeker’s face but she merely nodded and lead Shadow to her quarters above the blacksmith.  Shadow was a little surprised by the location of the Seeker’s room.  Sure it was well up and away from anyone who moved in and out of the blacksmith but the sound of weapons and shields being made was fairly loud and the wooden walls didn’t do much to block it out.  As they entered the Seeker’s room, Shadow saw that it was small and simple.  The only furniture in the room was a bed, desk, and a chair and there was a map of Thedas tacked up on a wall.  Surprisingly, there were piles of books throughout the room, many clearly well-read.  Shadow saw a book resting on the desk and picked it up.  She looked at Cassandra in shock when she read the cover.  “ _Swords and Shields_?”

            Cassandra crossed the room and took the book from Shadow.  “It’s not mine.”  She hid it behind her back.  “I-I’m keeping it for a friend.”

            Shadow tilted her head, curious by this side of Cassandra.  “It’s clearly been read often.”

            “It’s one of her favorites,” was the quick reply.

            Shadow smiled, “You mean it’s one of _your_ favorites.  Cassandra, you’re blushing!”

            “No, I -”  Cassandra gave a defeated sigh.  She brought the book back from behind her and stared down at it.  “It’s one of Varric’s tales.  The latest chapter.”

            Shadow had to struggle with a giggle at how guilty the Seeker sounded.  “Is that why you’re embarrassed?  Because it’s one of Varric’s books?”

            “Partly.  It’s smutty literature.  Frivolous.  Terrible.”  Disgust turned to joy as she whispered, “Magnificent.” She looked at Shadow, her embarrassment forgotten.  “But this one ends in a cliffhanger.  I know Varric is working on the rest, he must be!”

            “Have you thought about asking him?”

            “No!”  Shadow almost took a step back at the Seeker’s suddenly loud shout.  There was a moment of silence in the blacksmith below before work continued.  Cassandra’s voice dropped in volume.  “He mustn’t know.  You cannot tell him!”

            Seeing how serious she was, Shadow kept her smile and jokes to herself.  “My lips are sealed.”

            Cassandra placed the book onto a pile of books and relaxed.  She looked at Shadow expectantly, the nervous woman replaced by the confident warrior.  “You wanted to discuss something?”

            Jokes disappeared as Shadow’s mind focused back on her previous conversation with Cullen.  “Yes, um, I had a meeting earlier with Cullen and he told me about his decision to stop taking lyrium.”

            Cassandra tilted her head, “I see.”  Curious about how worried the Inquisitor appeared, she asked slowly, “And you believe he should be taking it?”

            Shadow’s eyes widened in shock and, to the Seeker’s approval, anger flickered in them.  “What! No! No.”  She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.  “I understand his reasons for stopping and I support his decision.  I know what it’s like to want to break free.”  She whispered this last part.  She looked at Cassandra and the Seeker saw there was fear now in her eyes.  “But what he told me what could happen.  How he could die…”

            The Seeker sighed.  _Why would you just leave it at that, Cullen?_   “Death _is_ a possible outcome but in the case of the Commander, I believe it is unlikely.”  Hope came and went in the Inquisitor’s eyes as Cassandra continued, “There have been instances where Templars died during the first stage of lyrium withdrawal as their bodies weren’t strong enough to withstand the constant pain and their hearts would eventually give out.  But the Commander is strong and he _will_ make it through this stage, even if at times he feels he cannot.”

            _Constant pain?_   “Will the pain pass?”

            “In time.  But it will get worse before it gets better,” Cassandra warned.

            _Oh Cullen_.  “Is there anything that could be done to help him?”

            Cassandra shook her head, wishing that she could say otherwise.  “The pain will be constant until his body has accepted the change.”  Watching the emotions that Shadow no doubt was unaware were visible on her face, Cassandra thought, _And he won’t be the only one to suffer_.  “He could make it easier on himself if he made sure to eat regularly and rest often…”

            Shadow gave an amused huff, “Not exactly his nature thought is it?”  Cassandra and Shadow shared a small smile but then Shadow remembered something else the Seeker had said.  “Wait, you said ‘first stage’.  There’s another?”

            Cassandra nodded sadly, thinking about many others who had suffered through the withdrawals.  “The body can survive and heal from the physical toil of the withdrawal but the strain the mind undergoes is long lasting and in most instances, worsens over time.”

            Concern and sympathy grew stronger.  “He mentioned madness…”

            Cassandra wished he had done more than just mentioned it.“One such side effect is an increasing difficulty to distinguish memory from present or dreams from waking.”

            Shadow had to steady herself against the desk in the room as her shock almost sent her to her knees.  No wonder he was so understanding of her struggle.  “Why wouldn’t he tell me any of this?”  Shadow held up a hand to prevent the Seeker from answering as it came to her on its own.  “Wait, I can guess.  When he was telling me about his decision, he kept making it clear that the Inquisition came first.  He doesn’t want to make himself a burden.”  Cassandra raised a brow at the hint of anger in the rogue’s voice.  “Isn’t there anything that can be done to help him?”

            “In most instance of withdrawal, no.  The strain on the mind is too great.”

            Shadow had noticed the Seeker’s choice of words and the small trace of hesitation in her voice.  “But…?”

            Cassandra made sure to convey her belief and determination to Shadow.  “But I believe the Commander is strong in both body _and_ mind and that with our support, something that the Chantry and Order rarely gave, he will remain so.”

            The Seeker’s determination was mirrored in Shadow.  _He has it._   Shadow felt her anger grow and focus on the Chantry.  “With such horrible consequences, why would the Chantry have the Templars take lyrium in the first place?”

            “A Templar’s abilities come from lyrium,” Cassandra reminded her.

            “I’m aware of that,” Shadow spat, “but can’t there be another way?  I’ve never seen you take lyrium and you use the same abilities.”

            Cassandra crossed her arms.  “I am a Seeker.  Not a Templar.”

            Confused, Shadow asked, “Aren’t both part of the Order?”

            “A Templar’s abilities are designed to hunt mages.”  Shadow narrowed her eyes at the Seeker’s choice of words and thought, _I thought they were meant to_ protect _._   “A Seeker is meant to deal with both Templars and mages alike, so our abilities are different and come from many years of dedicated training and ritual.”

            Shadow opened her mouth to ask why Templars couldn’t go through this same training but stopped when she saw the look of worry on the Seeker’s face as the woman looked at the map of Thedas.  Something other than their current discuss was troubling the warrior.  “What is it?” Shadow asked.

            Cassandra lightly touched one of the reports on her desk.  “I’ve found that my thoughts have been plagued by what we saw at Redoubt.  Or rather who we didn’t see.”  She looked at Shadow.  “Lord Seeker Lucius.”

            Shadow thought back to their time there.  “That’s right, I had forgotten.  Envy had only been posing as him, not possessing.”

            “Yes, and since we didn’t find the _real_ Lord Seeker, or any Seekers, there, I’ve wondered where they might be.”

            “There hasn’t been any sightings?” Shadow asked.

            Cassandra shook her head.  “I fear Corypheus may have imprisoned them.”

            Shadow looked at her friend with concern.  “I hate to ask it, but isn’t it possible that they may be dead or infected?”

            Cassandra gave a dry laugh.  “We are not so easily killed.  And since we do not take lyrium, it is unlikely that the others were infected… at least not without the knowledge of it taking place.”  Cassandra growled in frustration and began to pace.  “They cannot have simply vanished.  There _must_ be a trail somewhere.”

            Shadow tried to calm her.  “I’ve learned that Leliana’s spy network is pretty damn vast.  I’m sure she would be more than willing to help.”

            Cassandra looked at her with gratitude but then frowned.  “I cannot promise that rescuing them would be beneficial to the Inquisition.  They wouldn’t look kindly on us.”

            Shadow shrugged and smiled.  “You can’t please everyone.”

            Cassandra smiled again.  “I would appreciate the help.  Thank you.”  The Seeker crossed the room and placed a gentle hand on Shadow’s shoulder.  “And do not fear for the Commander.  Whether he accepts it or not, he has our support and he will overcome.”

***

            Shadow walked through Haven’s gates, her boots treading softly on the snow.  She looked behind her at the soldiers’ tents and stopped, confused.  Where was Cullen and Cassandra?  Where were the soldiers?  She looked around and felt panicked as she ran forward toward the Chantry.  Where was _everyone_?  She stopped as she caught a glimpse of a trebuchet over Haven’s walls.  And then she remembered the attack and her fear grew.  Was none of it real?

            “Calm yourself, Banal’ras.”  Shadow whirled around and warily watched Solas approach.  “You’re in the Fade.”

            _That’s supposed to calm me!_   “I’m dreaming?” she asked, still fearful.

            Solas furrowed his brow, clearly frustrated by her fear.  “Do you remember what we discussed before?”  He became impatient when she shook her head.  “Try,” he snapped.

            Shadow struggled passed her fear and focused on when she last talked with the elf.  “I…”  Hazy memories slowly became clear.  “I remember talking to you about Corypheus and Calpernia… I asked you if you might know what they were searching for in elven ruins.”

            Solas watched her through narrowed eyes.  “And I said that there are a number of artifacts and ancient magic they could be seeking, any one of them a potential threat should they find any.”

            Shadow glared at the ground at the memory of that conversation.  “I remember feeling irritated.” She blushed as Solas chuckled and quickly looked up.  “Sorry.”

            Solas shook his head, mirth in his eyes.  “Don’t be.  What else?”

            Shadow’s eyes widened as she remembered.  “I asked you for help with my nightmares.”

            Solas nodded.  “You informed me that you suffer from nightmares on almost a nightly basis, some worse than others, and wished to know if I’ve discovered anything during my many journeys in the Fade that may help.”  Shadow also remembered holding back the information on how some of those nightmares kept ahold of her when she woke.  Solas spread out his hands, bringing to Shadow’s attention that he was without his staff.  “That is what I’m doing for you tonight.  With Cole’s assistance.”

            “Cole?”  Shadow looked around, still finding Haven empty a little eerie.  “He’s here?”

            “Yes and no.”  Shadow looked back at him and saw that he appeared slightly confused.  “He seemed… uncomfortable with the idea of entering the Fade himself.  So he instead chose to enter with you.”  He noticed that Shadow was now the confused one.  “Do you remember how he saved you from Envy?”

            Shadow flinched at the memory of Envy.  “He was in my mind.”

            “He did something similar in order to follow you here.”

            _So he rode my mind into the Fade.  Not sure how to feel about that._   “Then where is he?”

            “Helping.”  Solas led her to the cabin he had lived in during their time in Haven.  It was then that she noticed that the Breach was in the sky, though oddly enough, it almost appeared peaceful, none threatening.  Solas seemed to contemplate the green hole in the sky for a moment before turning back to her.  “Whenever we dream, we come to the Fade and mingle with those who exist here.”

            Shadow tilted her head.  “You’re talking about spirits.”

            Solas nodded.  “Do you remember, from our previous talks, how I am able to study the history of places by dreaming?”

            “You said that spirits tend to reenact the memories that linger there.”

            Solas nodded again, clearly pleased.  “It is the same when they encounter the mind of a dreamer.  That is why dreams are influenced by memories.”

            “So, are you saying that I have nightmares all the time because spirits are acting out my worst memories?”  _Maybe I should think happier thoughts before bed._

            “Yes and no.”  Shadow let out an irritated huff and Solas seemed to smirk.  “When your mind enters the Fade, your strongest memories will ‘call out’ to certain spirits, depending on their content.  Nightmares are the result of these memories drawing the attention of a demon.”

            “A demon?” Shadow shouted, before clamping her hands over her mouth, forgetting for a moment they were the only ones present.

            “You have nothing to fear from demons here, Herald,” Solas tried to reassure.  “You are no mage, so you need not fear possession and you are not physically here, so you do not need to fear physical harm.”

            “Then why…”

            “It no doubt feels pleasure at the distress it causes you to feel.”

            “Glad someone’s happy,” she muttered.

            Solas looked over the empty Haven and continued to explain, “I had thought you had drawn the attention of a fear demon, as they typically are the causes of nightmares.  Most others seek out mages in hopes of possessing them.”  He turned back to her and she took a small step back at his intense and probing gaze.  “But the demon I encountered was unfamiliar and fled almost immediately.”

            “You didn’t recognize it?” Shadow was surprised.

            Solas appeared irritated by his own lack of knowledge.  “It would appear that the Fade still holds many mysteries, even for one such as I.”  His hands moved behind his back and gripped each other.  “I’ve instructed Cole how to help you keep the demon away, which is what he is currently doing.”

            Shadow felt concern for her dear friend.  “Is he safe on his own?”

            “Cole is well equipped to deal with the demon.”

            “So, no more nightmares?”  _Could it really be that easy?_

            Solas shook his head.  _Of course not._   “There will no doubt still be other demons drawn to your memories, and they will at times be able to reach you.  But with Cole’s help, that shouldn’t happen as often.  I will also teach you some mediation techniques to preform before you sleep, so that you enter the Fade with more pleasant thoughts.  This should allow you to draw the attention of friendlier spirits and dream more peaceful dreams.  Such as this one.”

            Shadow looked around.  “Why would I dream of Haven?”

            “Technically, this is actually my dream.  I chose this place because it is where you began to form connections with others.  Haven will always be important to you.”

            “A spirit isn’t reenacting this place?”  Solas shook his head.  “You are?”  A nod.  “How?”

            “I merely manipulated the Fade to create this place.”

            “You can do that?”

            “I am a mage.”  Shadow found that smug tone rather annoying.  “I wanted to provide an example with the explanation, one you would remember clearly upon waking.”

            Shadow took a deep breath, _Can you even breathe in a dream_ , and smiled at the beautiful and quiet village.  “This is a nice change.”  Gratitude causes her eyes to water.  “Thank you Solas.”

            Solas gave a small bow.  “I will leave you to your dreams, Herald.  Perhaps you will meet some of my friends.”

***

            Leliana paused in her reading as she heard movement echo from the bottom of the tower.  She listened for a few moments until she heard the sound of a bucket being set down.  _Some late night painting_ , she thought, wondering for a brief moment what could be keeping the elf mage up at this hour.  Then she returned her attention to the report in front of her.

            _Nightingale,_

_Without more information, it is impossible to identify the Magister you seek.  There are no records of the selling of individual slaves and no one bothers to keep a record of the deaths or disappearances of slaves._

_I lost contact with my partner a few days ago.  I fear he may be dead._

(There is a small drawing of a raven where a signature would be.)

            Leliana sighed and quickly wrote a reply, telling her agent to return as soon as possible.  It would appear that this line of inquiry would lead nowhere.  She tied the message to one of her ravens and sent it off, along with a small prayer that her last agent in the Imperium would be alive to receive it.

            She looked out a window to the courtyard below, lost in thought.  While the Imperium itself provided no information, there was still the matter of the mysterious letter her agents had discovered in a Templar’s belongings.  She had ordered a copy made and the original returned, having her agents keep a close eye on him to see what his next move would be.  There was no indication that he was in league with Corypheus but that didn’t make him any less of a threat.  Her agents had discovered a rather thin connection between his family and a powerful family in Tevinter, but this connection was lost in the past and it appeared to only be coincidence that a mage from that family in the empire up North was working so closely with the Inquisitor.  But she would keep a close eye on them both, until more answers were revealed.

            Movement at Skyhold’s gate caught her eye and she narrowed her gaze as three cloaked figures entered the lower courtyard.

***

            “Halt!”  The three figures stopped as two guards marched forward.  “Reveal yourselves!”

            Two of the figures pulled back their hoods, reveal two females, one human and the other an elf.  The human slowly approached the guards and smiled lustfully at them.  “Kitten, look at who the Inquisition has welcoming visitors.  Two pretty guards.”  She hand down one of the men’s face and he blushed.

            The elf stared at the other man. “I like the one with orange hair.  He reminds me of that nice man in Denerim.”

            The human smiled back at her.  “He was a fun one, wasn’t he?”  She turned her attention back to the guards.  “Are you gentlemen fun?”  One soldier started to nod quickly but the other struggled against her charms.

            “State your names and purpose here,” he ordered.  “Or I will have you all brought before our Commander.”

            “There is no need for that.”  The third figure drew back his hood, revealing a tall man with a cocky grin.  “The name’s Garrett.  And I’m here to visit an old friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with the first part of this chapter and may go back to tinker with it, but for now I'll post it to see what you guys think about it. And also because I'm moving back into my dorm in a few days and it may be awhile before I post anything, so I wanted to make sure to give you guys something before that break.
> 
> Comments are appreciated!


	24. Twenty-Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So classes start tomorrow and while I will continue to try and get a chapter out each week, there will no doubt be times where I'm not quite able to. But here's the next chapter for you all to enjoy! :)

_Brother,_

_I am very aware that Father can’t find out about her.  Please remember that I am no longer a child.  I know the dangers involved and I am being careful._

_How do you think we should approach her?  She is well protected, always with someone from her inner circle.  Getting close to her without tipping anyone off will be difficult, if not impossible.  The Commander has started stationing guards at her door at night when she is within Skyhold’s walls.  Perhaps I should volunteer my services?_

_I don’t think I can stand this waiting much longer, Brother.  Not now that we’ve found her after all these years._

_N_

***

            When Josephine had asked Shadow to join her for breakfast, she wasn’t exactly looking forward to eating with the Ambassador.  She was sure that it was going to involve talking with or about nobles, setting up alliances or improving her knowledge of the Game.  But when she had entered the Ambassador’s office, she had been surprised to see that they were joined by Leliana and Cassandra.  Turned out, back in Haven, the three of them would frequently have breakfast together and just talk, giving them some time to relax.  Josephine had explained that they had wanted her to join them now for a while but with the attack on Haven and the focus on recovery, they had to put off asking for a bit.  Shadow’s eyes had fill up with tears at their gesture of friendship and stuttered out a thank you, then settled in to eat.  Cassandra hadn’t been able to stay long, so it was mainly just Shadow, Josephine, and Leliana.  At first, Shadow had worried that they may try to ask her questions about her time in Tevinter but instead, they shared stories about themselves and Shadow was able to relax, eventually sharing some stories about her travels in Orlais and Ferelden.

            She also learned she really liked breakfast rolls.

            They paused when there was a knock at the door, earning a small groan of frustration from Shadow.  _This is when someone comes in with a problem that needs solving._   She was a little surprised but pleased to see it was only Varric.  The dwarf smiled at her, “Morning Sneaky.”

            “Morning,” Shadow tried to say, having a little difficulty as there was still a breakfast roll in her mouth.  Josephine gave a small sigh, and she quickly swallowed, causing herself to choke for a moment.  When she had recovered, she smiled sheepishly at Varric and asked, “Wanna roll?”

            Varric gave her a big grin and shook his head.  “No, I think I’ll leave those for you.”  Shadow blushed when Leliana chuckled.  Varric continued, “No, I was wanting to introduce you to someone.  Someone who has dealt with Corypheus in the past.”

            Shadow remembered to swallow this next bite, though she almost spat it out.  “Wait, what?”

            Varric spread out his arms, giving the appearance that he was completely calm, though he was a little nervous.   “Watching you be all inspirational when you became Inquisitor jogged my memory.  So I sent a letter to an old friend.”

            Leliana sipped her tea, arching a brow.  “And you’re just _now_ mentioning this?”

            Varric shrugged, but eyed the Spymaster warily.  “He just arrived last night, and I didn’t want anyone to get impatient.”

            Leliana gave him a knowing, but amused smile.  “Uh huh.”

            Shadow leaned forward, breakfast rolls forgotten.  “Any information on Corypheus would be a huge help.  I’d be happy to talk with your friend.”

            Varric clapped his hands together, relieved by how well they all were taking this information.  Granted, the woman he _was_ worried about wasn’t currently in the room.  Thank the fucking Maker for small miracles.  “Great.  He’s hiding out in the tavern, waiting for us.”

            Shadow narrowed her eyes at him, “Hiding?”

            Varric gave her a small smile, “Well, his presence may cause a bit of a fuss with … some people in the Inquisition.  So it seemed a good idea for him to lay low.”

            Josephine shook her head while Leliana asked, “And you thought the tavern was the place to do that?”

            “He’s good at laying low when he wants to.  Even in a tavern.”  Shadow tilted her head, the action expressing her unspoken question.  “Trust me.  It’s complicated.”  Varric decided to leave it at that and walked out of the room.  Shadow stood to follow but paused at the door when Leliana spoke up.

            “A word of caution, Inquisitor.  If Varric has brought who I _think_ he has, Cassandra is going to kill him.”

***

            Cullen stood with Rylen as they oversaw the soldiers perform some shield exercises.  It was a good thing his second-in-command was present, because Cullen found his thoughts weren’t completely focused on the exercises.  He kept thinking about Shadow and their discussion the day before.  His body tensed as a small wave of pain passed through his body and remained so as he also remembered that Cassandra had visited later that day, lecturing him on how little he had actually told the Inquisitor in regards to his situation.  He felt ashamed that now she knew just how bad these withdrawals could become and wondered if she would change her mind about his decision.  Would she withdraw her support and her offer to share his burden?  He remembered how it felt when she ordered him to make that promise and how for a brief moment, he had allowed himself to hope… but she was the Inquisitor and he her Commander.  A broken one at that.  She deserved better, more.  He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, though it was his heart that ached.

            “Curly!”  He froze and could actually feel as his face paled at hearing that familiar cheerful female voice.  Rylen turned to look, clearly confused.  _That can’t be… why would she… if she’s here then…_   Feeling panicked, Cullen started to turn but stopped when a small, light body latched onto his back.  “It _is_ you!” was shouted into his ear.

            He looked over his shoulder into large green eyes.  “Merrill?” he asked, shocked.

            “My, my, it is our favorite Templar.”  Cullen cringed and turned to watch as his least favorite pirate walked toward him.  Not that he knew many pirates.  But she was definitely at the bottom of the list.  The pirate stopped and placed her hands on her hips and looked up and down, slowly.  He felt himself blush and had to fight the urge to run from the lustful look in her eyes.  _Maker_ , _why is she here?_   She gave him a smug smile as if she knew exactly what he was thinking.

            “ _Ex_ -Templar,” he managed to get out.  Why did he always act like an inexperienced recruit around this woman?  He was a warrior, for Andraste sake.  She shouldn’t be able to make him this uncomfortable.

            Isabela gave a low, throaty chuckle, enjoying his discomfort as always, and turned to Rylen.  “And who is this handsome fella?”

            “Take over here, Rylen.  Have the soldiers practice their offensive moves next.”  Cullen was both saving the man from the pirate’s seductive manner and saving his own face as this reunion was not doubt going to be incredibly embarrassing for him.

            Rylen glanced at Isabela, who winked.  “Yes, Commander,” he said before walking towards the soldiers.  He began to yell out orders as Cullen focused back on Isabela.  Merrill was still hanging onto his back, petting his cloak.

            Isabela tilted her head, “Commander?  Well, that’s quite impressive Curly.”

            He ordered himself to act like a Commander and asked, “What are you doing here?”  He glared at the elf on his back.  “And Merrill, please get off of me.”

            Merrill hopped off and smiled up at him, unafraid of his annoyed expression.  “I like your coat.  It’s fluffy.”

            Figuring it was safer and more productive to question the elf rather than the pirate, _Maker did he just think that_ , he narrowed his eyes at her and asked again, “What are you doing here?”

            Merrill rocked on her feet and glanced around the courtyard.  She really wanted to explore Skyhold.  It was all so exciting.  “Varric asked us to come.  Well, not Isabela and me but we came anyways.”  She remembered seeing the stables the night before.  She hoped Varric would let her explore them later.  She heard they had harts.

            Cullen stared down at her, not liking the conclusion he was drawing from her words.  “Merrill,” he asked slowly, trying to keep the mage’s focus, “who else came here with you?”

            “Looks like the cat is out of the bag.”  Cursing in his head, Cullen turned and stared at the now present Champion of Kirkwall.  The man still wore the mage armor he wore that last night in Kirkwall and had strapped to his back his spear-like staff.  His dark hair was longer now with the addition of a beard.  But the mischievous look in his blue eyes was still the same.  Cullen felt a multitude of emotions at coming face-to-face with the man he once called friend.  Regret, sorrow, anger, betrayal to name a few.  Hawke either didn’t notice the ex-Templar’s struggle or chose not to.  “I thought I heard a rumor about you trading titles.”

            “What are you doing here Hawke?” Cullen demanded.

            “Like Merrill said, Varric asked me to come.  Said the Inquisition needed my help.”

            _Kirkwall needed your help._ “He was wrong.”

            Hawke raised a brow at the warrior’s bitter tone.  “Oh?  Perhaps we should ask the lovely Inquisitor if that’s true.”

            Cullen gave a low growl and took a step forward, causing Merrill eyes to widen in distress.  He stopped himself from outright attacking Hawke when he heard a shout and saw Varric running toward them with Shadow right behind him.  The dwarf put himself between Cullen and Hawke, clearly nervous, while Shadow stopped next to Isabela, clearly confused.  Cullen glared at Varric and angrily pointed at Hawke.  “Why did you invite him here?”

            Varric glared up at Hawke, who seemed unconcern by the angry ex-Templar and was smiling.  “What happened to laying low?”  Hawke shrugged and pointed at the pirate and elf.

            “They’re the ones who blew it.”

            Isabela pointed at Merrill, “It’s Kitten’s fault.”

            “Hey!”  Merrill looked down when Varric turned to her and said softly, “I just wanted to say hi.”  Varric ran a hand down his face, muttering “Daisy.”

            Cullen was getting impatient.  “Varric.”

            Shadow really wished someone would explain what the Void was going on.  “He has information on Corypheus.”

            Cullen turned to her and pointed at Hawke.  “Do you know who this is?”  His shout had caught the attention of a certain mage and Dorian leaned against the tavern wall, curious as to what was going on.

            Shadow glanced at the stranger and while his appearance seemed familiar, she couldn’t place it.  So she shook her head at Cullen, “No.”

            Hawke immediately took it upon himself to rectify that.  He took a step forward and took her hand.  “Garrett Hawke, at your service.”  He leaned over and placed a light kiss to her knuckles, causing her to blush.

            Varric glanced at Cullen, worried about the angry red on his face.  “Also known as the Champion of Kirkwall.”  Shadow felt her jaw fall open at the introduction.  Well, now she felt like an idiot.  Along with other things.  Which meant the pirate and elf were Isabela and Merrill.

            Hawke stood straight and smiled at her, continuing to hold her hand.  “Though it’s been a while since I’ve used that title.”

            Cullen felt his anger grow, though he didn’t recognize that it was fueled more by jealousy than anything else.  “Take your hands off of her,” he practically snarled.  Surprise registered in Hawke’s eyes but he kept his smile in place and let go of Shadow’s hand.

            Shadow couldn’t believe the Commander’s behavior.  “Cullen!”

            A part of him knew he was making a fool of himself, but he continued on.  “This mage is responsible for the events in Kirkwall.  He can’t be trusted, Inquisitor!”

            Some of the amusement left his face and Hawke narrowed his eyes, “There were plenty of people responsible for what happened in Kirkwall.  Mage _and_ Templars alike.  I would count myself among those who tried to help.”  He gave Cullen a knowing look.  “Wouldn’t _you_?”

            Cullen’s memory flashed back again to the many times he and Hawke fought against raging Qunari, blood mages, and rogue Templars together.  He shoved those memories aside and focused on just one.  “It was your _friend_ who blew up the Chantry!”  All humor left Hawke face and Cullen felt a pang of regret when he saw hurt flash in the man’s eyes.

            He felt a light touch on his arm and looked down to see Merrill staring up at him, sadly.  “That’s not fair,” she whispered.

            Isabela glared at him, “Anders betrayed us all that night.  None of us knew what his plans were.” 

Cullen felt guilt begin to mix with his anger.  But then he thought about the immediate days after that battle, how long it took him, with the remaining loyal Templars, to restore order to the city and how many lives were lost.  And how it felt to wish you had the friend who taught you that not all mages were bad fighting by your side.  He opened his mouth to hurl further accusations -

            “Commander!”  Everyone froze and looked at Shadow with different levels of surprise at her sharp tone.  Her eyes were narrowed, focused on Cullen, and unreadable.  “Stop this,” her tone softer now.  “I understand that you are angry but Hawke isn’t the threat here.  Corypheus is.  And we all need to work together to defeat him.”  Cullen stared at her.  She was right.  The threat Corypheus posed was far more important than the anger he felt towards Hawke.  He shot one last glare at the mage, unwilling to see the guilt and regret in the man’s eyes, before taking a step back.

            Varric let out the breath he had been holding and allowed himself to relax.  He looked at Hawke.  “I guess there’s no need to introduce the Inquisitor then.”

            Hawke smiled at Shadow, forcing his negative emotions behind his charming personality.  “There never was, I recognized her instantly.”  He smirked when a look of confusion appeared on the Inquisitor’s face.  “I’ve heard many stories about the beautiful Herald of Andraste.”

            Shadow felt herself blush again.  _What was happening here?_   She missed Cullen’s low growl and the look of understanding and determination that flashed in Hawke’s eyes as she tried to come up with a response.  “I’m sure many of those were exaggerated.  And I highly doubt any stories about me compare to those about the Champion.”  _Nice one, Josephine would approve._

            Hawke smirked.  “I would have to disagree.  You are just as beautiful as I am dashing.”

            Isabela snorted, “Only you would complement someone by complementing yourself.”

            Suddenly, a shout full of rage filled the courtyard.  “VARRIC!”

            Everyone looked and watched as Cassandra began marching towards them, having just come from the lower courtyard.  Varric muttered, “Shit” and then took off running.  The Seeker took chase, yelling angrily at him about him being a liar.  Hawke started to laugh at the sight while Isabela and Merrill hid their smiles behind their hands.

            Shadow sighed, knowing that was something she’d have to deal with later.  “Perhaps we should move this discussion elsewhere.”

            Hawke gave a small bow.  “Please allow me to buy you a drink, Inquisitor.”

            Shadow cringed.  _Stupid titles._   “Any chance you could just call me Shadow?” she asked.

            Hawke noted Cullen’s outraged expression as he tucked her arm in his.  “Shadow it is.”  He began to lead her to the tavern with Cullen close behind.  The Commander refused to leave her alone with the man.  Isabela and Merrill remained outside but Dorian followed them into the tavern, placing himself at the perfect eavesdropping spot.  Which just happened to be near where Bull sat.  Dorian gave the Qunari a warning glare and settled in to listen.

            Shadow felt nervous.  There was clearly some tension between Cullen and Hawke and while it looked like the Commander no longer wanted to kill the Champion, he still seemed very angry.  And though he had looked hurt by Cullen’s comments earlier, Hawke now looked like he was enjoying the Commander’s anger.  _This is what happens when you live for years isolated from people.  You don’t understand a thing about them._   Perhaps getting down to business would help lighten the tension.  “Varric said that you might be able to help us because you’ve dealt with Corypheus before.”

            Hawke rolled his eyes.  “Varric frequently forgets to keep himself in his retelling of tales.  We _both_ fought him.  And you’ve already dropped half a mountain on the bastard.  I’m sure anything I can tell you pales in comparison.”

            “Never thought I’d hear you say that,” Cullen muttered as he took a seat at the bar.  “After the Qunari attack, you would retell it with just as much exaggeration as Varric.”

            Hawke shrugged.  “The moment calls for more truth than story-telling.”  He smiled at the bartender.  “Three ales, serah.  One for me, the lovely lady, and,” he smirked at Cullen, “the _Commander_.”

            Cullen glared at him, “I can order my own drinks.”

            “I’d believe that if you ever had.”  Hawke gives Shadow a look full of fake sorrow.  “Can you believe that out of all the nights he spent playing cards with us in the Hanged Man, he never once bought himself a drink?”  Shadow looked at Cullen in surprise.

            Cullen felt himself grow red as memories of some of those nights surfaced, “I was on duty.”

            Hawke raised a mocking brow at him, “You won’t drink on the job but you’ll gamble?”

            “Maker’s breath,” Cullen grumbled.

            Shadow smiled at the idea of Cullen playing cards with Hawke and his companions.  _Wonder why Varric didn’t mention him more often in his book._   “So, you and Varric have fought Corypheus before?”

            Hawke nodded, his expression growing slightly more serious.  “Fought and killed.  The Grey Wardens were holding him and he somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them.  Got into their heads and messed with their minds.”

            “That might explain why the Wardens have vanished,” Cullen said.  “They could have fallen under his control again.”

            “He can control other people’s minds?” Shadow asked, a trace of fear in her voice and the mark’s glow increased.  Cullen lightly touched her hand in reassurance, and the mark dimmed again.  Hawke took note of his actions as well as her reactions and a small smile formed for a moment.

            “Only the Wardens,” he said, “thought that isn’t much of a reassurance.”

            Shadow sighed, “So Corypheus has the Venatori, the Red Templars, and now possibly the Wardens.  Just once I’d like things to get easier not harder.”  Cullen let out a dry chuckle.

            Hawke furrowed his brow.  “ _Red_ Templars?”

            Shadow told him what had been discovered at Redoubt.  “We were fortunate that we were able to recruit as many Templars as we did.”

            Hawke shook his head and murmured, “More red lyrium.”

            Cullen made sure to catch Hawke’s eye before adding, “Samson leads the remaining Red Templars.”

            Surprise flared in his eyes, “Really?”

            “You knew him too?” Shadow asked.

            Hawke remembered the begging addict who once helped mages escape the Circles.  Until situations and loyalties changed.  “Yes,” he answered.  “Though he’s apparently come a long way from begging on the streets.”  He paused before adding, “I’ll need to send word to Stroud about this.”

            “Stroud?” asked Shadow.

            “A friend I have in the Wardens.  I approached them a while back hoping that the Wardens might be able to shed some light on the existence of red lyrium.”

            Cullen leaned forward, “And?”

            Hawke shook his head, “Only Stroud was willing to talk to me and he never heard of red lyrium before Kirkwall.”

            _Because that would’ve been too easy._   Shadow asked, “Has he disappeared too?”

            “No.  The last time we spoke, he was concerned about corruption in the Warden ranks.  He’s gone into hiding somewhere in Crestwood.  I was on my way there when I received Varric’s letter.  I sent Fenris on ahead to find him.  Hopefully he’ll send word soon that he’s found Stroud and I can head there myself.”

            Shadow took a small sip of her ale and struggled not to make a face.  She didn’t much care for alcohol.  “If there’s a chance he’s learned something about Corypheus, perhaps we should both go to Crestwood.”

            Hawke smiled at her, “It would be an honor to travel with one as lovely as you.”  Shadow was speechless, unsure what to say.

            Cullen glared at Hawke and tried to move the conversation along, “You said you thought you had killed Corypheus?”

            Hawke narrowed his eyes at Cullen.  “I didn’t _think_ I had killed him.  I _know_ I did.  When the fight was over, he was dead on the ground.  Maybe his connection to the Blight brought him back or it was some old Tevinter spell, but he was _dead_!”

            Shadow didn’t like the sounds of that.  Could that mean he couldn’t be killed?  “How did you come across him?”

            Hawke returned his attention to her.  “The Wardens had him imprisoned.  They had used my father’s blood in a ritual to seal Corypheus away but this didn’t make him powerless.  He influenced the Wardens to seek me out so that they could use my blood to release him.”

            Cullen stood up abruptly, “You let him out!”  Shadow pulled him back down and looked around.  Thankfully, there weren’t too many people in the tavern this early in the day.

            “And then slayed him,” Hawke reminded him.  “What happened there is why I came when Varric wrote me.  Corypheus is my responsibility.  This time I’ll make sure he stays dead.”

            Shadow jumped when the tavern door banged open and a soldier came running in.  “Inquisitor!”

            She sighed, “What’s wrong?”

            “It’s Seeker Pentaghast and Lord Tethras.  They’re… arguing in the blacksmith and -”

            Shadow held up a hand.  “No need to finish.  I can guess.”  She stood up and faced Cullen and Hawke.  “If you two will excuse me.  I should probably stop them before they tear the building apart.”

            Both men stood as well and Hawke took her hand again, placing another kiss on it.  “Until we speak again, serah,” he said with a wink.  Shadow blushed and quickly left the tavern with the soldier behind her.  Hawke reached for his drink but then Cullen grabbed his wrist.

            “You stay away from her,” he warned.

            Hawke wrenched his wrist from the Commander’s grip but he only appeared amused by his actions.  “She offered to join me on _my_ journey to Crestwood.  Besides, you heard her.  We _all_ need to work together.”

            Cullen clenched his fists.  “You forget that I saw how you were with women in Kirkwall.”

            Hawke didn’t appreciate the stab at his integrity and glared at him, “I’ve only treated women with respect and kindness.”  He paused for a moment in thought.  “Well, except those who tried to kill me.”

            Cullen couldn’t stand that Hawke kept resulting back to humor and whirled the man around.  “She is the Inquisitor and the Herald of Andraste!  You will keep your hands off of her!”

            Hawke’s brow rose.  “That’s a mighty high pedestal you’ve placed her on.  And one she didn’t want to be on to begin with from what I hear.”  He pushed Cullen back and the warrior was surprised by the sadness that entered the mage’s eyes.  “Something we both have in common.”

            Cullen shook his head, “She’s nothing like you.”

            “We’re both human.  Something that others seem to forget when all they see is the title.  It can make one rather lonely.”

            Cullen didn’t like how just like that, Hawke once again had him doubting things.  “Just keep your hands to yourself.”

            Hawke took a swig of his ale.  “I’m curious Cullen.  Are you warning me to stay away because you see her as Maker-sent and you feel it’s your sworn duty to protect her?  Or do you view her as the woman she is and I, your competition?”  Cullen opened his mouth to answer but stopped when he realized he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth.  He shot Hawke one last glare and left the tavern.  Hawke watched him leave with a thoughtful expression on his face, smiled, and then returned to his drink.

            _Interesting_ , Dorian thought from his spot behind the fireplace.  He wasn’t sure how he had missed the signs of the Commander’s feelings.  He tried to remember if there were any signs that Shadow… He suddenly stood straight and turned to glare at the Qunari now standing behind him.

            “Get your hand off of my ass, you bloody brute!”


	25. Twenty-Four

            A few days later, Shadow entered the war room where Leliana was waiting for her.  That morning, the Spymaster had sent word that she had some received more information involving Calpernia and Shadow had finally found some time to meet with her.  The past few days had been spent preparing for the journey to Crestwood, involving more preparation than past missions due to the many reports that came in speaking of a horde of the undead attacking the village there.  This time, the Commander had straight up refused to send her and a few companions into the corpse infested area without some of his soldiers.  After reading the reports, Shadow was more than willing to agree, though a part of her wondered if he was so insistent because Hawke was traveling with them.

            Leliana bowed her head in greeting when she entered.  “Inquisitor.  I’m sorry to interrupt your preparations.”

            Shadow waved a hand.  “Don’t be.”  She sighed as she reflected back on the last half hour she had spent arguing with Dennet over which mount to take.  He wanted her to take one of his more battle-trained horses whereas she wanted to take White Autumn.  She knew he just wanted her to be safe and to be honest, she’ll probably give in before leaving.  She smiled at Leliana.  “I needed a break.”

            Leliana returned the smile.  “I don’t blame you, especially since Bull has challenged Hawke to a match.”

            Shadow’s eyes widened.  “Wait, match?  What- you know what, I don’t wanna know.  As long as they don’t kill each other, I don’t want to know.”  Mirth sparked in the Spymaster’s eyes and Shadow knew she had brought it up just for her reaction.  Shadow rolled her eyes and asked, “You said you’ve received more information?”

            Serious once again, Leliana nodded and handed Shadow report.  “My agents have discovered the name of the merchant Calpernia has her people shadowing.  Vicinius.”

            Shadow looked up from the report.  “That’s a Tevinter name.”

            Leliana walked around the large table holding the map of Thedas and looked down at the Imperium.  “He was born in Tallo, although he claims to be from Vyrantium.  He sells rare oils and amber and prefers red wine to white.”

            Shadow snorted and placed the report on the table.  “Don’t stop there.  What side of the bed does he sleep on?”

            Leliana gave a small smile.  “He is rather unremarkable.  I cannot think why Calpernia would take an interest in him.”

            “Does he know that Calpernia’s people are keeping an eye on him?”

            Leliana shakes her head.  “It appears he is just as in the dark as we are on that, but he must know something.  It never hurts to eliminate an avenue of inquiry.  The sooner we speak to him, the better.  He’s currently in Val Royeaux at his summer home.”

            Shadow drummed her fingers on her leg while she thought aloud.  “There’s no telling how long things will take in Crestwood… Are your agents still keeping an eye on him?”

            “Of course.”

            “Then have them approach him and ask him questions.  Preferably without killing anyone.”  She gave Leliana a look.

            She answered with another smile.  “I’ll send the order immediately.”

            Shadow glanced at the stack of other reports and asked hopefully, “Has there been any news regarding Samson and the Red Templars?”

            Leliana shook her head.  “Nothing new, I’m afraid.  He is doing a far better job of remaining hidden then Calpernia.”

            Shadow ran a hand through her hair and thought about Cullen.  “Damn, I was hoping to have something new…”

            “He will make a mistake soon, Inquisitor.  And when he does, we will know.”

            Shadow let out a sigh and nodded.  “Was there anything else?  Dorian wanted to speak to me about something, though he refuses to talk to me until he’s tested something first…”  She stopped talking as she realized that the Spymaster wasn’t listening.  She was staring at a report and her brow was furrowed.  Something troubled her.  “Leliana.”  The woman seemed to snap out of her thoughts and looked at Shadow, questioningly.  “ _Was_ there anything else?”

            Leliana’s expression cleared.  “No, not at the moment, Inquisitor.  If you’ll excuse me, I should send out that order.”  She bowed and quickly left the room, leaving Shadow alone.  The rogue stared after her for a few minutes, knowing something was up and wondering what it was.  Mentally shrugging, she left the war room in search of Dorian, giving Josephine a quick wave and promise to talk with her later about some visiting Duke.  She was making her way toward the library, _I should check to see if Solas is free later to practice my meditation_ , when she saw Varric starring into the fireplace by his usual table.  She cringed when she saw the large bruise around one of his eyes, glad to see it was beginning to fade.  Deciding that Dorian can wait, Shadow crossed over and sat next to the dwarf.  She glanced at the crossbow resting on the chair next to him.

            “Cassandra’s calmed down you know.  You don’t have to keep Bianca so close.”

            Varric glanced at the crossbow.  “Calmed down for the Seeker could still mean out for blood, so I’ll remain cautious.”  He continued to stare into the fire, his arms crossed.  Shadow sat quietly next to him, allowing him to set the pace.  “I wasn’t trying to keep secrets,” he finally said.  “I was trying to protect a friend.”

            “I understand that Varric.”  Shadow thought back to her conversation with Cassandra after her and Varric’s fight.  “Cassandra does too.  But… you hurt her.  She believed you.  A lot more than she let on apparently.  Then she learns that you _had_ in fact lied…”

            Varric turned to face her completely, anger flashing in his eyes.  “She had me kidnapped and then interrogated me!  What did she expect?”

            Shadow spread out her hands.  “I’m sure she expected you to lie.  At first.  But I think in the last month or so she began to see you as a trusted ally or even as a friend.”

            Varric gave her a disbelieving look.  “Are you saying that I hurt her feelings?”

            Shadow tilted her head as she did some thinking.  Nodding, she answered, “Yep.”

            “Shit.”  Varric didn’t like how easily his anger turned to guilt at hearing that.  He leaned against the table.  “Saying sorry probably won’t fix that, would it.”

            Shadow shook her head.  “She probably wouldn’t believe you.  Besides, Cassandra is an ‘actions are louder than words’ kind of person.”  Shadow narrowed her eyes as an idea began to form.  “I think I know a way you could fix this.  But she might kill me if I tell you… but you’re both upset here and I do hate to see my friends upset…”

            “Sneaky,” Varric said, impatient.

            Shadow stood up and faced him.  “Okay, so Cassandra is a huge fan of you work.  More accurately, she’s a huge fan of _Swords & Shields_.”

            Varric stared at her for a few moments before he could find his voice.  “I must’ve heard you wrong.  It sounded like you just said that the Seeker likes to read my books.  And not just that, but my romance-serial!”

            Shadow nodded.  “She’s been waiting for the latest chapter.”  She crossed her arms.  “And why is it that you gave me a copy of every one of your books but not that one?”

            “Because it’s easily the worst thing I’ve ever written!  The last chapter barely sold enough to pay for the ink.  I wasn’t even planning on finishing it.”  _Seeker liked that junk?_ Varric thought.

            Shadow shrugged.  “Well, Cassandra seems to be hooked.”

            Varric scratched his head.  “So… you’re suggesting that I should finish writing the latest chapter of my worst serial… for Cassandra… because it’ll make her happy?”

            Shadow smiled.  “Consider it a peace offering.”

            “And I honestly thought a hole in the sky was the weirdest thing that could happen,” Varric mumbled.

            “I don’t know.  Some of the stories you’ve told about Hawke could rival that,” she joked.  She paused at the thought of Hawke and the memory of when she met him.  “Varric, can I ask you something?”  Varric noted her serious expression and slowly nodded.  “The book you wrote about the Champion, you mentioned Cullen a time or two, but not much more than that.  Yet it seems like there’s a great deal of history between them.”

            “There is,” was all Varric said.

            “So...?”

            “I wrote that book because some members of the Chantry and Templar Order began to rewrite the story and it seemed like it might be a good idea to put our version of events out there.  I left Curly out as much as I could because he had his hands full dealing with the clean up after that night and he didn’t need the extra trouble with the Chantry or Templars.  Of course, I found out later that when the Seeker was going around looking for answers, he pretty much told her the truth of how often he helped out Hawke.”

            “Were he and Hawke friends then?”  When Varric hesitantly nodded, she continued.  “Then what happened?  Why did that change?”

            Varric sighed, “That’s one tale that isn’t mine to tell, Sneaky.  Sorry.”

            “Sorry about what?”  They both turned to see Hawke approaching them.  When the mage reached them, he took Shadow’s hand and kissed it.  “Good day, Your Worship.”  Shadow blushed and mumbled a greeting.  She honestly had no idea how to handle this man.

            Varric narrowed his eyes at Hawke.  “Aren’t you supposed to be fighting Tiny?”

            Hawke seemed confused for a moment but then he laughed as he understood the nickname.  “I already beat him.  Though I think he wants a rematch.”  He winked at Shadow.  “They always come back for more.”

            _Andraste’s tits Hawke.  What are you doing?_   Changing tactics, Varric spoke to Shadow.  “I almost forgot, Sneaky, but Sparkler came through earlier and asked me to tell you that he was in the garden.”  _Hope you’re ready, Vint._

            “Shit, I almost forgot I’m supposed to meet him.  Thanks Varric!”  She took off quickly for the garden.  Varric turned to Hawke.

            “What are you doing, Charming?  I thought we talked about this.”

            Hawke smiled after the Herald.  “I’m merely trying to motivate the man.”  His expression grew serious.  “He needs her Varric.  No matter how much he may hate me now, I still call him friend.  And I always help out my friends.”

***

            When Shadow found Dorian, she was surprised to find him playing a game of chess with Cullen.  She watched from a distance for a moment and was happy to see them getting along.  She remembered how bad their first impressions of each other had been and was glad to see that they appeared to be well on their way to being friends.  She moved closer, not wanting to interrupt but not wanting to keep Dorian waiting.  She began to hear their conversation as she drew closer.

            “Gloat all you like.”  Cullen moved a piece and leaned back.  “I have this one.”

            Dorian laughed. “Are you _sassing_ me, Commander?  I didn’t know you had it in you.”  He winked at the man.

            Cullen shook his head and muttered, “Why do I even -”  He noticed Shadow leaning against a stone pillar and watching them.  “Inquisitor!”  He began to stand.

            Dorian arched a brow at the Commander’s actions.  “Leaving, are you?  Does this mean I win?”  Cullen stopped at the mage’s challenge.

            Shadow waved her hand.  “Don’t stop on my account.”

            Cullen nodded and sat back down.  “All right, mage.  Your turn.”

            Shadow smiled when she saw Dorian use a bit of his magic to cheat.  Did he really think the ex-Templar couldn’t see what he was doing?  “Playing nice I see,” she teased.

            Dorian shot her a grin, though his eyes warned her to remain silent about his actions.  “I’m _always_ nice.  And you,” he smugly said at Cullen, “need to come to terms with my inevitable victory.  You’ll feel much better.”

            “Really?”  Cullen smirked and made a move.  “Because I just won.  And I feel fine.”  Shadow started laughing as Dorian looked over the board in surprise.  Cullen felt warm at hearing her laugh and hoped he wasn’t blushing.

            Dorian shot him a playful glare.  “Don’t get smug.  There will be no living with you.”  The mage stood up.  “I think I’ll stop before a pattern begins to form.”

            “I should return to my duties as well.”  Cullen looked at Shadow and thought back to a conversation he and Dorian shared during their game.

            _“Our Inquisitor has been quite the busy bee lately.”_

_“There’s a lot that must be done to prepare for Crestwood.”_

_“Yes, yes.  Though I’m worried she may be over working herself.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Well, I certainly haven’t seen her take a break these last few days, have you?”_

Cullen looked closely at the Inquisitor.  He hadn’t in fact seen her take a break, not that he was one to talk.  Dorian had practically dragged him from his work and forced him to take a break, one that he now knew he had greatly needed.  Hesitantly, he asked, “Unless you would care for a game?”

            Shadow almost blurted out a yes, but stopped herself, remembering why she was there.  Feeling disappointed, she hesitantly answered, “Actually, I’m here because Dorian wanted to discuss -”

            “Nothing that can’t wait,” the mage interrupted, giving her a light shove towards the empty chair.  He dropped his voice to a whisper so only she heard him say, “The Commander has been working himself to the bone these last few days.  This is the first break he’s taken in all that time.”  Shadow fought the urge to give Cullen a look.  He seriously needed to take better care of himself.  Dorian, sensing his work was done here, took a step back and spoke louder, “Besides, I need to speak with Varric about something before I talk with you.”  He gave a mocking bow and quickly departed.

            Shadow gave Cullen an apologetic smile as she sat down.  “I should warn you, I know the basics of this game but it’s been a while since I’ve played.  Not that I was any good before.”

            Cullen smiled in return.  “That would be a refreshing change after playing Dorian, whom I’m not sure even truly understood the basics.  I’m assuming that was why he did nothing but cheat.”  Laughing, Shadow indicated he prepare the board.  As he did so, he felt completely relaxed, one of the few times he had felt so in her presence.  “As a child, I played this with my elder sister.  She would get this stuck-up grin whenever she won – which was all the time.  My brother and I practiced together for weeks.  The look on her face the day I finally won…”  He smiled fondly at the memory of that day and how Mia had demanded a rematch, so sure he had cheated.  And how priceless her face was when he beat her four times in a row.

            Shadow couldn’t quite describe the feeling that filled her as Cullen shared with her this moment from his past.  Back in Haven, he had stuck to basic facts about himself, where he was from and where he served.  He had opened up some when she had asked him about being a Templar, but mostly he had kept a tight lid on his past.  Even when he had talked to her about his decision with lyrium and Samson, he kept a lot back.  Not that she blamed him.  She had done the same thing.  Wanting him to continue, she asked, “You have siblings?”

            Cullen nodded and indicated she make the first move, smiling when she immediately moved a pawn.  “Two sisters and a brother.  Mia is the eldest followed by me, Branson, and Rosalie is the youngest.  Between serving with the Templars and the Inquisition, I haven’t seen them in years.  I wonder if she still plays.”

            “Do they all still live in Honnleath?” Shadow asked, remembering that bit of information from when he had talked about when he first joined the Templars.  She immediately regretted asking when his eyes filled with sorrow.

            Cullen kept his eyes on the board, pretending to be thinking about his move as regret, sorrow, and guilt filled him.  “They moved to South Reach after my parents – after the Blight.”

            If Shadow could give herself a good, solid kick to the ass, she would.  Hoping to drive the conversation back to something happier, she asked, “Do any of them have families of their own?”

            “Mia married some time ago…”  He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.  “I do not write them as often as I should.”

            Seeing that it was her turn, Shadow made a move without much thought, more focused on their conversation than the game.  “When was the last time you wrote them?”

            He kept his eyes on the board as he mumbled, “When I joined the Inquisition.”

            When Shadow didn’t answer, he looked up and blushed when he saw the surprise in her eyes.  “Wait?  Seriously?  Not even since Haven?”

            Cullen looked back down at the board and tried to provide an excuse as he made his move, “I’ve been busy.”

            After some thinking, Shadow carefully began to speak.  “I may not know much about families,” _That’s an understatement_ , “but I’d suspect yours is plenty worried about you.  There’s a good chance they’ve heard about Haven but maybe not whether you’re okay or not.”  She waited until Cullen met her eyes.  “Maybe you should write them to let them know you’re alive.”

            Cullen thought back to the last letter he had received from Mia and how angry she had been by his lack of communication.  No doubt she won’t be happy about his delayed assurance of his survival.  _Well, it’s either an angry letter from her or her angry presence when she gets fed up enough to storm Skyhold._   He chuckled at the thought and smiled at Shadow, surprising her again.  “Perhaps you’re right.”  Shadow returned his smile and refocused on the board.  Cullen stared at her and his thoughts centered on something she had said.  _I may not know much about families…_   “Inquisitor, have you ever wondered about your -”  He stopped, suddenly feeling that he was being intrusive.

            Shadow looked up when he stopped and kept her expression carefully blank.  “Family?” she finished for him.

            _Should’ve just kept your mouth shut._   “Forgive me for overstepping, Inquisitor.  I shouldn’t have asked.”

            “Shadow.”  Cullen looked back at her.  “We’re not in a meeting, Cullen.  I’m just Shadow here.”  She gave him a small smile and looked down at the board.  There was a few moments of silence, in which her expression grew serious and Cullen wondered if she would speak again.  Then she did.  “I have wondered.”  She made a move as she spoke.  “When I was a slave, I often asked myself why did they sell me?  Were they starving and needed the money?  Was there something wrong with me?”  **_Even at birth, they recognized you as trash._**

            Anger rose up within him when her eyes darkened with pain.  How he wished he could go back and protect her when no one else did.  He surprised them both when he reached out a hand and gripped one of hers, gently despite the anger in his eyes and voice.  “There is nothing wrong with you.”

            Shadow smiled and let out a small laugh.  “I wouldn’t say that,” she joked.  “I’m far from perfect.”  She turned her hand within Cullen’s and gripped his in return.  “But I long ago stopped asking why they did what they did.  There’s no excuse for doing that to anyone.”  She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before letting go.

            Cullen hesitantly asked, “Did you ever try to find them?”

            Shadow sat back, rubbing her marked hand.  “I thought about it for a time after escaping Tevinter.  Eventually, I asked Duncan what he would do.  He pointed out that in order for me to find out who they were, I would most likely have to return to Tevinter and possibly reveal that I was still alive.  That changed my mind pretty quick.  I haven’t thought about it since.”  **_Liar._**

            Cullen recognized the finality in her voice and that the last statement had been a lie.  But he understood, perhaps more than anyone else could.  He refocused back on the board and couldn’t hold back a smile at seeing that he could easily beat her now.  Instead, he decided to prolong the game and made his move.  “I spoke with Seeker P- Cassandra this morning.  She seems to have calmed down.”

            Shadow laughed and made her next move, well aware that hers was in no way strategic.  She was just enjoying the time with him, even if the conversations weren’t exactly light-hearted.  “Varric would argue that description with you.  Did you hear that Bull and Hawke had themselves a match earlier?  Apparently Hawke won and now…”  She stopped when she saw Cullen’s expression darken as he kept his eyes on the board.  Knowing she was on shaky ground, she asked, “Cullen, what exactly happened between you and Hawke?  There’s clearly some history between you two and some of the things he’s said indicates that you two were once good friends.”

            Cullen looked at her for a moment before sighing and sitting back.  “We were, once.  Though it took a while for that to happen.”  He paused as he thought back and then carefully chose what he felt he could and should share.  “I suspected he was a mage, along with two of his friends, and back in those days, I had trouble trusting mages.”

            “Because of what happened in Ferelden’s Circle during the Blight?”  Cullen looked at her in surprise and Shadow thought she saw a trace of fear in his eyes, but it was quickly hidden, so she wasn’t sure.  “Leliana told me you were there when it fell,” she explained.

            “What else did Leliana say?” he hesitantly asked.  _Maker, please, may she not know._

            “Just that you were there.”  He sighed in relief.  Shadow tilted her head as she asked, “If you suspected that Hawke was a mage, how come you never turned him in?”

            “At first it was because I didn’t have any proof.”  _Not that Meredith required any._   “By the time I knew for certain, I had come to realize just how much he helped others.  There were many times where we fought blood mages and rogue Templars together and after the Qunari invasion, I realized that I had begun to call him friend.”

            “What happened?” Shadow asked softly.

            “After Meredith had been… defeated, I ordered the remaining Templars to stand down, preventing them from attacking Hawke.  The city was still in chaos and I- Kirkwall needed his help.”  Anger flared up in his eyes.  “But he left, vanished that night, leaving Kirkwall to burn.  No matter what excuses he gives to ease his conscience, he had a responsibility.  And he turned his back on it.”

            Shadow saw that not only was he angry but hurt by these memories.  She changed the subject, talking about some of the strange things Cole had been doing about Skyhold.  Eventually, Cullen’s expression softened and he smiled again, laughing when she told him about the cheese.  She knew that the issues between him and Hawke were going to have to be dealt with at some point, but that didn’t need to be today.  Today, he needed a break.  Besides, she needed to learn more about Hawke’s side of things.

            As she finished up her story about Cole, Cullen spoke, “This may be the longest we’ve gone without discussing the Inquisition – or related matters.  To be honest, I appreciate the distraction.”

            Shadow couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice, “Really?”  She had figured she might’ve been the only one enjoying the game.  After all, a good portion of their conversations haven’t been the most relaxing.

            He chuckled at her surprise.  “Truly.”

            Shadow looked down at the board as she made another move and nervously suggested, “Then, we should do this more often.  Spend time together.”  She blushed.

            Cullen felt overjoyed at the suggestion.  “I would like that.”

            Shadow just knew her blush was only getting worse.  “Me too.”

            Cullen smirked.  “You said that.”  Shadow looked back up in surprise and then away in embarrassment, but Cullen saw her smile.  Feeling slightly nervous himself, he said, “We should… finish our game.  Right.  My turn?”  He carefully surveyed the board and saw that there was only so many moves left before one of them was forced to win.  With his strategy in mind, they continued to play, passing the time with small talk.  Eventually, he had her just where he wanted.

            “I believe this one is yours.” He leaned back in his chair and smiled at her.  “Well played.”

            “Wait, really?”  Shadow stood up and looked over the board.  Cullen had to struggle to hold back a laugh at her disbelief.  She narrowed her eyes at him with suspicion.  “You let me win,” she accused.

            Cullen’s smile grew as he shook his head.  “I would never dare insult you with such an action.”

            Shadow was about to demand a rematch, with the intent of paying closure attention to prove herself right, when a messenger came running up to them.  He informed her that Josephine wanted to remind her that she needed to meet with a Duke.  Shadow playfully glared at Cullen and promised a rematch before she walked off with the messenger.  Cullen sat and watched her until she had left the garden before getting up to return to his duties.

            Neither of them saw the three men watching from a safe distance, wearing large grins.  The two mages placed their bets and the dwarf wrote them down.


	26. Twenty-Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been forever since I've updated! Been busy with school work and also had somewhat of a writer's block with this story. But now it's flowing again and I'm happy to give you a new chapter to read! Yay! :D

_Inquisitor,_

_Lieutenant Colman informs me that your travels have been uneventful except for the foul weather you’ve been experiencing.  I pray that unlike the Storm Coast, the rain will end soon._

_Messages requesting our aid continue to arrive each day.  Many from nobles who no doubt just want brag that they’ve met you.  Our Ambassador has been able to deal with most of these herself although she has asked me to inform you that there are a couple that require your personal attention upon your return.  I too will need to discuss with you the requests for our soldiers._

_On a less professional matter, I do wish you had taken the boy with you.  Not that he hasn’t been helpful, I do appreciate the tea that appears on my desk every time I have a headache, but I know he helps you with your dreams and I don’t want to be responsible for you experiencing any ~~nightmares~~ ~~terror~~ ~~discomfort~~ problems because he isn’t with you.  Also, there have been more strange events around Skyhold and not many see how helpful these occurrences are.  I’m not sure I fully understand them myself._

_~~I am doing well~~ _

_Other than a few headaches, I am feeling fine.  I pray that you are as well._

[A few more scribbled out words, effectively done so]

_I look forward to another game of chess when you return._

_Commander Rutherford_

***

            Most of the journey to Crestwood was spent leaving the mountains.  Shadow knew that if it had only been her, her chosen travel companions, and Hawke, they would’ve made it to the lower lands a day sooner, but Cullen had been insistent that the soldiers come with them.  Not that she was complaining, she enjoyed talking with the soldiers.  And traveling through the mountains may have been the longest stretch of their travel but it certainly wasn’t the worst.  No, that came when they were only a few days from Crestwood.  The rain started and hasn’t stopped since.

            Thankfully, while the weather was foul, spirits weren’t dampened.  Hawke and Varric shared many tales and Dorian kept teasing her about Cullen, more so when his letter came, though she didn’t understand what he was trying to hint at.  Fortunately, he stopped when Bull began to tease him in return.  Blackwall was mostly quiet, occasionally talking with the soldiers and when she bugged him enough, shared a tale or two himself.

            Shadow’s spirit was also higher than usual, leaving her feeling warm and more open to others.  Since Solas’s aid with her dreams, she had begun experiencing the most restful sleep she has ever had and she hasn’t heard the horrible voice for days now.  She still had the occasional nightmare, but Cole did an excellent job in keeping the demons that caused them away, even though he was back in Skyhold.  She knew that she shouldn’t rely on his aid forever, even if he didn’t have a problem with it.  No, she needed to find a more permanent solution.  Perhaps meditating will be enough one day.

            The day they reached Crestwood, the rain still hadn’t let up and she had received word that the situation with the undead had worsened.  Since they hadn’t encountered any problems along the road, Shadow had sent the soldiers ahead to aid the camp and village.  She knew that Cullen would no doubt give her grief over that action but she knew that between her and her companions, they could handle anything they may encounter before reaching the village.  The soldiers took a shorter route to the village while Hawke led the rest along a longer one that should take them near a hiding spot that his elf friend had told him about.  They passed the time with small talk, although Blackwall was as quiet as ever.  Something Varric just wouldn’t stand for.

            The dwarf sat upon his mount and was scribbling on his pad.  “The lone wanderer, searching the world.  What’s he trying to find?  Love? Absolution?”  Shadow rolled her eyes and smiled.

            Blackwall wasn’t as amused.  “Try ‘someone with a strong arm and a stronger will to fight darkspawn’,” he grumbled, sitting up straight on his steed.

            Varric sighed in frustration.  “Yes, yes, yes.  But what does that _represent_?”

            Shadow tried to help out the Warden.  “Don’t you have another book to write,” she asked, reminding the writer about his peace mission.

            Varric shot her a grin.  “Trust me Sneaky.  You want _me_ to write this all down.”

            “And why would I want that?”

            Hawke perked up and raised a hand in the air.  “I know this one!”  He pointed at the dwarf.  “Because he is the only one who can get it right!”

            Varric rolled his eyes at the mage and waved him off.  Then turned back to the Warden.  “Back to you.”

             “We weren’t done?”

            “Answer the question.”

             Blackwall sighed.  “Wanting to kill more darkspawn.”

            Varric shook his head.  “You are just like Choir Boy.”

            “Who?” Dorian asked from his mount, sitting comfortably dry inside the barrier he had created around him.

            Hawke answered, clearly angry.  “Sebastian.  Pious bastard.  Wore blinding white armor.”

            Varric grumbled along with him.  “Told me my shots veered left.”

            Blackwall nodded slowly.  “Yes… I can see how that describes me perfectly.”

            Varric tried explaining, “It’s just… all that niceness.  He was just so…”

            “Nice?” Shadow said.  Hawke snorted.

            “Nice. Right. I take it you didn’t like this person?” Blackwall asked.

            “Choir Boy would’ve taken that as a compliment,” the dwarf said, then returned to grilling the Warden for more information.  Shadow moved her horse closer to Hawke’s.

            “Mind if I ask you a question?”

            Hawke smiled and gave her a flirtatious look.  “For you, anything.”

            Shadow blushed.  Seriously, she needed to stop doing that. “Uh yes well I uh... have a question about… Kirkwall and the night…”

            Hawke’s expression grew serious, though there was still a sliver of humor in his eyes.  “Everything went to the Void?”  Shadow nodded, hoping her question didn’t offend him.  He gave her a small smile and waved a hand.  “Ask away, Inquisitor.”

            “Shadow,” she corrected him before continuing, “Why did you leave that night? After that final battle, you vanished.”

            All amusement left his eyes as the mage face ahead, lost in thought and memory.  Just when Shadow was beginning to think that he wasn’t going to answer, he did.  “I wanted to stay.  I knew that even with Meredith defeated, things were far from resolved.  I hated leaving Kirkwall, my _home_ ,” there was pain in his voice when he said this, “in chaos.  But it was safer to leave.”

            Shadow could see that he was truly pained by the memory of leaving his home but she was confused.  “But Meredith was defeated and Cullen… he prevented the Templars from arresting you.”

            Hawke shook his head.  “I wasn’t worried about the Order.  Well, I was, being a mage and all, but that had never been reason to run before.  No, I left because of Prince Sebastian.”  He spat out the name.

            Shadow was surprised at the amount of venom in his voice.  “What?  Sebastian?  Why?”

            Hawke glanced at her.  “I thought you had read Varric’s book?”

            “I did.”  Shadow tried to remember what she had read.  “But the last thing Varric wrote about him was that he was angry at what Anders did and demanded that you kill him.  When you did, he left.”  She saw sorrow cross his eyes at the mention of the Warden mage.  Then confusion replaced that sorrow.

            “I hadn’t realized that Varric had left out…”  They both turned when they heard a mount draw closure and saw that it was the mentioned dwarf.  “Why did you leave out my role in Anders actions?”

            Varric tilted his head.  “Because the Chantry would’ve used it against you like Choir Boy.”

            “In that instant, it would’ve been for good reason,” Hawke said.

            “You need to stop beating yourself up over that kid.”  Varric turned to a very confused Shadow.  “A few days before Blondie blew up the Chantry, he asked Charming for help in collecting a few ingredients for a ritual.  Claimed it would separate him from that spirit held up inside him.”

            “I also provided the distraction so he could… do whatever he did inside the Chantry,” Hawke added.

            “So you unintentionally helped him destroy the Chantry?” Shadow asked, disbelieving.

            “Unintentionally being the key word here,” Varric said.  “Charming had no idea what Anders plans were.  None of us did.  But that doesn’t stop him from taking on the blame.”

            A silent message seemed to pass between mage and dwarf.  Hawke shrugged and grimly stared ahead.  “Nor did it stop Sebastian from laying it on me.  Even with Anders dead, he threatened to march on Kirkwall to make me pay.”

            Now she understood.  “You left to protect Kirkwall.”  _You never turned your back on the city._   “You need to tell Cullen!” she said.

            “Honestly, I thought he already knew.  I thought that was why he hates me.”

            Shadow shook her head.  “He thought you abandoned Kirkwall, turned your back on everyone.  That is why he is upset.  He’s hurting.”  Realizing that she had an audience, she turned to glare at the three eavesdroppers behind her.  “And you keep that to yourselves.”  Dorian opened his mouth to make a joke but saw that she was deadly serious and just nodded.  She turned back to the Champion.  “If he knew the truth, then he would see that you are still his friend.”

            Hawke stared at her for a moment, thinking.  In telling Cullen the truth behind why he fled Kirkwall, he would also be revealing his hand in Anders plan.  An action he still carries the guilt for.  He felt that if he didn’t have the ex-Templar’s hatred now, he would after.  But perhaps she was partly right.  He needed to tell his old friend the truth, even if it severed that friendship completely.

            They rode in silence for a ways, each lost in their own thoughts.  Shadow hoped she hadn’t overstepped any boundaries with Hawke and worried over having shared Cullen’s pain with the others.  She snapped out of her thoughts when Bull called for them to come to a halt.  They did and listened.  For a moment, they couldn’t hear anything, certainly not whatever caught the attention of the Qunari’s sensitive ears.

            Then, a scream pierced the air.

            They all surged forward down the trail, jumping from their mounts once they were clear of the trees and drawing their weapons.  Shadow saw a small group of undead battling a warrior and an archer.  She saw a female elf cowering by the wall, no doubt the one that had screamed.  While Bull and Blackwall both ran into the thick of it and Dorian and Hawke began casting fire spells, Shadow and Varric fired their arrows and bolts, enchanted to cause its victims to burst into flames.  Soon after they joined the fight, it was over.  Hawke moved to check on the injured elf and Dorian went to work turning the corpses to ash.  Shadow turned to face the two strangers as they approached and she heard Blackwall whisper, “Grey Wardens.”  She indicated that he remain silent.  For now, it would be wise to not reveal he was also a Warden and that they searched for another.  Thankfully, he was wearing Inquisition armor.

            The warrior Warden sheathed his sword once he reached them, his face hidden behind his helmet.  “Thank you for the assistance, stranger.  The name is Warden Ashurst and this is Warden Sorthon.”  He waved at the archer who stood a few feet behind him.

            Shadow nodded her head in greeting.  “My name is Shadow.”

            “Leader of the Inquisition,” Blackwall added, disapproval in his voice that she hadn’t said so herself.

            “Herald of Andraste,” Varric contributed with humor in his voice.

            “Gift from the Maker,” Dorian proclaimed as he rejoined the group.  When Shadow threw him a glare, he smiled and said, “Sorry, got caught up in the moment.”  She rolled her eyes and returned his smile.

            Warden Ashurst tried to act surprised by this revelation but wasn’t very convincing.  “Forgive me, I did not realize.”  He gave a small bow.  “The Grey Wardens thank you for your aid, Inquisitor.”

            “Happy to give it.”  Shadow wasn’t sure how she felt about the man.  She didn’t trust him but wasn’t sure if he was a threat.  It was highly suspicious that while all Wardens (minus Blackwall) had vanished throughout Thedas, two are found in the very same area in which the one she sought was hiding out.  “Are you here to help with the undead?  Are there other Wardens back at the village?”

            “No.”

            _Which question?_   Shadow frowned at the Warden.  “Then what are two Wardens doing in Crestwood?”

            She couldn’t see them, but she could feel Warden Ashurst’s eyes studying her carefully.  “Official Warden business,” was all he said.

            Bull stepped up next to Shadow, resting his large double-sided ax on his shoulder and glared at the man.  “I was unaware that there was a Blight.”

            The Warden seemed to rethink his conversational skills.  “We are searching for another Warden.  He is wanted for questioning.  We heard he might’ve passed through here, but the villagers knew nothing.”

            “Kind of them to stop fighting these wretched corpses long enough to answer your questions,” said Dorian.  The mage could feel rather than see the chilling glare the Warden shot him and winked at the warrior.

            Shadow drew back the warrior’s attention.  “What can you tell me about this rogue Warden?  Who is he?  What has he done?”  She noted that Hawke had rejoined them and that the elf was resting against the low stone wall.

            Ashurst’s tone remained serious.  “His name is Stroud and Warden-Commander Clarel has ordered his capture.  I can say no more than that.”

            Bull arched a brow.  “Aren’t Wardens supposed to be great warriors?”  Shadow sensed Blackwall tensing behind her but before she could turn, she could hear Varric telling him to stay calm.  Bull continued, “Seems rather odd to send only two to hunt another.”

            Ashurst placed a hand on his sheathed sword.  “It is our hope that Ser Stroud comes with us peacefully.  I trained under him for a time.”  The Warden seemed to lose some of his defensive stance as he reflected on memory.  “He’s a good man… I’m sure of that.”  Shadow detected a hint of confusion and doubt in his voice.  The man wasn’t sure of his orders.

            So she pushed a little.  “Is there a chance you can stay and help defend the village?”  She saw Hawke shoot her a look from the corner of her eye.

            The Warden stiffened and his tone returned to serious again.  “My orders forbid it.  Crestwood was only a detour.”

            Blackwall spoke up, “Is that all the aid we can offer these people?”  Shadow fought the urge to turn when he made the slip and good thing too, as both Wardens didn’t seem to catch it.

            “If the Inquisition can help, I beg you to do what you can.  The villagers have already lost too many.”  Warden Ashurst bowed and turned to leave, the other Warden following.  Shadow waited until they reached the tree line before slipping into stealth.  Ignoring Hawke’s surprised tone, she quickly caught up to them and listened in.

            The Warden archer had lowered his hood and she saw that he was an elf.  And worried.  “Ser, are you sure we can’t stay and help the village?”

            Ashurst shook his head.  “Our orders are clear.  If we cannot locate Warden Stroud, then we return to the Commander with all haste.”

            “Doesn’t feel right.”

            “I agree.”

            Shadow turned back and returned to the group, dropping her stealth.  She saw that the female elf was no longer present.  “Where’d she go?”

            Varric pointed down the path.  “Back to the village.”

            “Praising the Wardens as if they were the Maker,” joked Dorian.  Blackwall glared at him.

            “Learn anything Boss?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “Neither mentioned a new leader, only Clarel.  I don’t think they’re part of Corypheus’s plot.”

            “Or are just unaware of it,” said Hawke.

            Shadow nodded in acknowledgement.  “Hopefully your friend will have some answers for us.”

            “As do I,” he agreed.

            Bull gave a whistle, urging their abandon mounts to come forward.  “Speaking of which, we should find him soon.”  Shadow gave him a questioning look.  “I find it difficult to believe that there are only two Wardens out here searching for him.”

            Blackwall protested.  “We need to help the village!  We can’t abandon those people!”

            Bull narrowed his eye at the Warden.  “I don’t think I suggested that.”

            Shadow stepped in before things escalated.  “We’re not going to abandon the village.”  She turned back to Hawke.  “You find Stroud and Fenris.  Send word when you do and after we’ve helped the village, we’ll join you.”

            Varric spoke up.  “I think I’ll go with Charming.  Someone’s got to watch his back.”

            Hawke acted offended, “I can take care of my own back.  Matter of fact, I have.  Many times!”

            Shadow smiled.  “No Bull and Varric are right.  We have no idea if there are other Wardens in the area nor just how many of these undead there are.  Varric should go with you.  Bull too.”

            “No.”

            Shadow turned to find the Qunari giving her a very serious look.  “What?  Why?  You just said -”

            “I signed on as _your_ bodyguard remember?  If I’m out in the field, it will be to watch _your_ back.”

            Shadow narrowed her eyes at him but when he just lifted his brow, she rolled them.  Sometimes she wondered just how much authority she actually had over the Qunari.  She smiled at Hawke.  “Guess it’s just you and Varric then.”

            Hawke laughed and clapped the dwarf on the back, “It’ll be like old times!”

            Varric groaned.  “Oh boy.”

***

_Brother_

_DO NOTHING!  We cannot risk being discovered by anyone until the time is right.  Be patient a little longer, please.  I should have everything in order soon.  Then I will be on my way._

_W_


	27. Twenty-Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See what I mean by flow? Two chapters in one day! I don't know about you, but I was pretty damn excited. :) Enjoy!

            Cullen glanced out the window as another strong wind buffeted the side of the fortress.  Solas claimed that there was ancient magic within Skyhold’s walls that prevented extreme weather from damaging it and those within it, but after seeing the crumpled state it had been in on their arrival, he still had the soldiers take the necessary precautions when they had received warning of the approaching blizzard.  He shivered.  Too bad the fortress didn’t use its magic to self-heat.

            He brought his attention back to Leliana as she continued reading Shadow’s latest report.  They had tried to wait for Josephine, but the Ambassador was held up negotiating with a noble from Orlais and had told them to fill her in later.

            “ ‘After sending the soldier ahead, we ran into -’”

            “She did what?” Cullen interrupted.  “Those soldiers were there to protect _her_!  I ordered them to remain by her side!”  He couldn’t believe her blatant disregard for her own safety!

            Mirth flickered in the Spymaster’s eyes and she had a hint of a smile.  “Well, she is the Inquisitor.  She no doubt felt the villagers needed the protection more than herself.  And it appears Hawke and the others remained with her.”

            Cullen caught the amusement in her voice and glared at her.  “Can we continue?” he growled in frustration, deciding to lecture the Inquisitor upon her return.  Explain.  Not lecture, explain.  _Maker’s breath._

            Smiling, she continued, “She writes that they encountered some undead and Wardens.”  She chuckled.  “ ‘We killed them.  The undead, not the Wardens.’”  Cullen also let out a chuckle.  Leliana grew serious as she continued reading.  “She questioned the Wardens.  They were there searching for Stroud but were leaving Crestwood since they had failed to find him.  She says there was no indication they knew of Corypheus.”

            “Did she learn where they’ve been?” Cullen asked.

            “It would appear not.”  Leliana quickly read the rest of the report.  “They split the group.  Hawke and Varric went to find Stroud while the Inquisitor and the others decided to deal with the undead.”  She looked at Cullen, smiling.  “She asks that the next mission we send her on not involve any undead.”

            Cullen returned the smile.  “I’m sure we can find something.”  He rubbed the back of his neck as he asked, “Was there anything else?”

            Leliana tilted her head.  “No, why?  Were you expecting something else?”  She gave him a knowing look.

            Cullen blushed as he struggled with his words.  “No I - well yes I – just wondered -”  He decided the safest thing to do was shut up.  _You’re a fool.  You can’t expect her to write to you personally every time she sends a report.  After all, she is the Inquisitor.  She’s busy helping those who need her aid.  Certainly too busy to write you._

            “She wasn’t.”  Cullen turned to see Cole sitting on another table in the room, playing with a puzzle cube.

            “Hello Cole,” said Leliana.

            Cole nodded at her but turned his gaze onto the Commander.  “She sent a letter for you.”  He hopped off the table and walked over to him.  He held out a letter and Cullen took it.  As he did so, he almost jumped in shock when the boy’s voice echoed in his head.  _She thought you prefer it be kept separate._

            Cullen smiled, “Thank you Cole.”

            “Cole,” Leliana started to ask, “Did the Inquisitor give that to you?”

            “No, she gave it to Baron Plucky.”

            Leliana narrowed her eyes.  “You took it from one of my birds?”

            “She told me to.”  Cole stared at her for a moment.  “You mean well, but that doesn’t make it so.”  Cullen was surprised to see the Spymaster turn slightly pale and anger flicker in her eyes.  Cole muttered something and when Cullen blinked, he was gone.

            He slipped the letter in a pocket.  He would prefer to read it now, excited to see what she wrote to only him, but he would wait until he was alone.  Also, he could see that the boy’s words had upset Leliana and tried to distract her by returning to business.  “Have you received any word of there being more Wardens in Crestwood?”

            Leliana snapped out of her thoughts and was grateful for the distraction.  “No, it appears those two were the only ones there and they have indeed moved on.  Of course, my agents lost track of them soon after leaving the area and they haven’t been able to locate Stroud.  I’m all too familiar with how excellent Wardens can be at hiding when they don’t wish to be found.”

            Cullen felt sympathy for the woman.  “Still no word?”

            Leliana shook her head but before she could speak, there was a knock at the door.  Cullen called out enter and one of the Templars entered carrying a piece of parchment.  “Commander, a few more have volunteered for guarding the Inquisitor’s quarters.  A couple are former city guardsmen and one is a Templar.”

            Cullen took the list from her and looked it over.  “Excellent.  Thank you, Knight-Corporal.  Please inform Knight-Captain Rylen that I will need to speak with him later to discuss the duty roster.”  The Templar saluted with her fist over her heart and left.

            Cullen was about to add the list to the ever growing pile of parchment of matters that needed his attention when Leliana asked, “Commander, may I take a look at the list?”

            “Of course,” he said and handed it over.  He was confused as to why she wished to see it and was a little irritated.  It had been decided that he would be in charge of the posting of guards at the Inquisitor’s door and while he suspected Leliana had her own people keeping an eye on Shadow as well, at least she didn’t encroach on his duties.  At least until now.

            Leliana slowly read the list, stopping when she read one name in particular.  She turned to the agent that had been waiting in the room just in case she needed her.  “Retrieve the copies of the letters and bring them back quickly.  Also inform the Ambassador that she is needed in the War Room immediately.”  The agent nodded and quickly left to carry out her orders.

            Dread and anger had filled Cullen and he demanded answers.  “What is it?”

            Leliana’s calm, cold eyes met his raging ones.  “I have reason to believe that one of the names on this list is a threat to the Inquisitor.”

***

_Cullen_

_Can I just say that I love writing this without using those stupid code words that Leliana demands in her reports?  I mean, I think people can pretty much understand that these are between people in the Inquisition.  And the rest of the reports aren’t exactly in code._

_If any of those messages involve fixing any undead problems, BURN THEM!  I never want to see another walking, sword-swinging corpse again._

_As for Cole, he requested to remain at Skyhold.  Said something about being needed there more.  And he can still help me with my dreams, don’t worry.  Apparently, Cole can still hear me when I’m a long ways away.  Not sure if that helps you feel better about his presence.  Sorry.  And trust me, whatever it is he’s done, it is helpful to someone._

_I’m glad you’re feeling better than when I left.  And I may have told Cole about this tea the Divine made me to help me feel better whenever my head hurt.  Keep in mind, I was suffering a concussion at the time but it did make me feel more comfortable.  I hope you like it._

_As for how I am, I’m also doing fine.  Like I said, my dreams are getting better and I haven’t ~~heard the voice~~ ~~touched my daggers~~ ~~lost my grip on reality~~ felt lost for quite some time._

_We better play chess when I get back.  You owe me a rematch! And no more letting me win!  I’ll sick Sera on you if you do!_

_Shadow_

***

            Shadow leaned over the wall and looked down as the water drained from the lake.  She was puzzling over the mayor’s words.  He had said that darkspawn had flooded Old Crestwood and had destroyed the mechanism that caused the drainage.  Yet when they had found it, it had been fine.  At first she thought maybe someone had repaired it over the years, but then why wouldn’t the mayor mention that.

            Shadow was aware that Bull had joined her in leaning on the wall.  “The mayor is keeping something from us.”

            Shadow looked at him.  “Did you know that before?”

            “I could tell that he was nervous, twitchy even.  At first I thought that was because of the whole undead invasion.  But then he became more so when you mentioned the dam, even seemed afraid.  That was weird but I wasn’t for sure something was wrong until we saw that room.  He lied and didn’t want us to know.”

            “It doesn’t make sense,” she said.  “Why would he lie about that?”  They both turned as Dorian and Blackwall finally exited the tavern and joined them, Dorian glaring up at the sky as it was still pouring.  The mage then turned toward the Warden and a mischievous smile formed below his mustache.

            “I do believe you caught the eye of that young lady in there.”

            Blackwall sighed in frustration.  “I’m sure you’re mistaken.”

            “You’re right.  She was undoubtedly looking at me.”

            “Shocking.  You made this about you,” Blackwall grumbled.

            Shadow smiled at Dorian.  “Not the man?”

            Dorian sighed, feigning heartbreak.  “Sadly no.”

            Suddenly, a great roar ripped through the air and a large shape surged past them.  The blast of wind almost pushed Shadow over the wall but Bull caught her and pulled her down to the ground.  She felt the wind die and saw that Dorian had formed a barrier around the four of them and just in time, as the dragon was making another pass, this time blasting fire at them.  The flames hit the barrier and while it protected them from being burned, some of its heat made it through.  Shadow could feel herself drying and almost felt a little gratitude toward the winged beast.  Once it had passed and showed no indication of returning, Dorian dropped the barrier and they all stood in time to watch the dragon disappear near what appeared to be some ruins in the distance.  The rain made it difficult to see for sure though.

            Shadow couldn’t believe it.  “Was that a dragon?”

            Dorian leaned on his staff, exhausted after forming and then holding that particular barrier.  “And here I was on the lookout for undead and dogs.”

            Bull was grinning like a child in a candy shop.  “Fuck yes!  Wasn’t she magnificent?”

            Shadow ran a hand through her hair, still processing this information.  “How could the mayor forget to tell us about the dragon?”

            Blackwall scratched the back of his head.  “I may have seen a notice back in the village…”

            Before Shadow could ask him why he failed to mention this, Bull was begging, “Boss, we have to fight her.”

            “You _are_ insane!” Dorian exclaimed.

            “Bull, we are not going to fight a dragon.”  This time when the Qunari tried to give her that look, she stood firm.  “We need to deal with the rift and find Stroud and Hawke first.”

            Bull latched onto her wording.  “And then we’ll fight her?”

            Shadow sighed.  “If we have to.”

            Bull let out a laugh and started making his way back toward the keep.  “Excellent!”

            Shadow hurried to catch up.  “I said _maybe_!”

***

_Nightingale,_

_Rift closed and no more undead.  Or new undead.  There are still some further inland but that should only take a few days’ work to clear them out.  It finally stopped raining so that’ll make it easier._

_I need you to find the mayor of Crestwood, Gregory Dedrick.  Turns out he was the one to flood Old Crestwood and now he’s vanished!  ~~That yellow-bellied murderer!  I can’t believe he~~   So if you wouldn’t mind being on the lookout for him._

_Oh and there’s a dragon here and Bull really really wants to fight her and she is causing some grief for the village and there isn’t exactly enough soldiers here to fight her and defend the keep but Bull seems pretty confident that we can handle her so we may or may not be fighting her in the near future._

_Sneaky_


	28. Twenty-Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else is super happy that there's another chapter? :D

_Inquisitor,_

_Do not engage the dragon.  I have sent more soldiers and they should reach Crestwood within a week of you receiving this.  They will deal with the beast.  You must focus on completing your mission there and return to Skyhold.  There are other matters that require your attention._

_Commander Rutherford_

***

            A few days after closing the rift in the lake, Shadow received word that Hawke and Varric had found Stroud.  The Warden was hiding out in a cave once used by smugglers.  Since they had successfully cleared out the area of undead, Shadow decided to head out as soon as they heard.  They left on foot, leaving behind their mounts since the dragon had become bolder and they didn’t want to risk losing the horses.  Master Dennet would kill them if the dragon didn’t.

            As they left the keep, Shadow worried over the letter she had received from Cullen that morning.  It had been short and to the point.  Completely professional.  And it made her wonder if she had overstepped a boundary when she had sent that letter to him.  Maybe she had been too… informal.  She had thought they were pretty good friends now, but maybe she had misread him.  That would make sense.  She hasn’t had much practice in determining just how much someone _liked_ her.  Disliked, sure.  Plenty of practice there. 

            **_No one likes trash._**   Shadow stumbled, earning a worried glance from Blackwall.  She gave him a reassuring smile and that seemed to put the warrior at ease.  She was far from it.  She thought she had done away with these thoughts.  Maker, why did they keep surfacing?  Why can’t she be free?

            “Are you going to be moping all day?”  Shadow looked over her shoulder at Dorian, thinking he was talking to her.  But the mage was looking at Bull.  He also wasn’t happy about Cullen’s letter though for a different reason.  He had really wanted to fight the dragon.  She thought killing the wyvern the day before would’ve calmed his desire but nope.  The Qunari really wanted to fight the dragon.

            Bull glared at the mage.  “I don’t mope.”

            “Please, you’ve been pouting since that letter from the Commander came.  At least on the Inquisitor it’s adorable but you, it’s just sad.”

            Bull let out a low growl while Shadow stopped and completely faced the mage.  “What?  I haven’t -”

            “You have.”  Dorian gave her a pat on the shoulder before walking ahead.  Shadow followed, increase her pace to walk beside him.  “And trust me, I will be having a talk with the Templar on his writing ability.  That letter was far too impersonal.”  Shadow glared at Bull.

            He shrugged.  “He wanted to know why I was… upset this morning.”

            “You threw a dwarf into the lake,” said Blackwall.

            “He irritated me.”

            Shadow held back a smile, amused by the exchange but needing to remain serious.  “First of all, Dorian, stop calling Cullen a Templar.  He’s left the Order remember?  Secondly, there’s no need to talk to him.  He’s a very professional man.  He was just being…”  She hesitated when more dark thoughts surfaced, **_You’re beneath him and he knows it now.  They all do._**   She quickly finished her sentence.  “Professional.  I can’t expect him to be any less.”

            Dorian shook his head.  Both of them were impossible.  He’d lose the bet at this rate.  “Venhedis!”

            “Fenris no!”  They all stopped when they heard Hawke’s shout and saw the mage and Varric running toward them.  Before anyone could react, there was a blur of grey and light blue and suddenly, an elf with white hair and strange glowing markings on his skin stopped before Dorian.  The mage was too surprised to move and before anyone could blink, the elf’s hand was in his chest.

            “STOP!” Hawke screamed.  The elf froze, hand still in Dorian’s chest.  Shadow drew her bow and aimed it at the elf, noting that Bull and Blackwall both had drawn their weapons.  Shadow almost breathed a sigh of relief at seeing that the elf’s hand seemed to have phased through the mage’s chest, though she worried what was occurring within.  Taking a closer look at the strange markings, she realized that this was Fenris.

            Dorian tried to not concentrate too much on the armored hand currently gripping his heart and instead tried to focus on keeping his magic at the ready.  Though if the elf decided to rip his heart out, there wasn’t much he could do.  He tried to smile.  “I think you need to buy me a drink first.”  The elf growled and Dorian gasped in pain as his grip tightened.  “Or not,” he croaked.

            Hawke and Varric reach them and the dwarf slowly approached Fenris.  “Take it easy Broody.  He’s not the enemy.”

            Fenris kept his eyes on the damn mage and snapped, “He is a Tevinter mage.”

            “Can I just say you have an excellent amount of self-control,” Dorian gasped out.  Fenris lightly squeezed his heart again and the mage felt his legs grow weak from the pain.  Gasping, he added, “And thank you sincerely for using it in this case.”

            “Dorian,” said Shadow.  “Now may not be the time for you to talk.”

            Hawke took a step toward the angry elf.  He had already made a miscalculation and he couldn’t afford to make another.  If Fenris killed the mage, he knew there was nothing stopping the Inquisitor from putting an arrow in his head.  Or the Qunari from tearing them both to pieces.  “Fenris,” he said softly, but firmly, “release him.  Now.”

            Fenris glanced at him.  “He is a magister!”

            Dorian tried to correct him, “Actually -”

            Shadow, Hawke, and Bull all shouted at once, “SHUT UP!”

            Bull narrowed his eye at the elf.  “Boss.  Just give me the word.”

            Hawke sent her a pleading look.  “Just wait a second!  Fenris.  Yes. He is a mage and yes he is from Tevinter but he is an ally of the Inquisition.”

            “Not to mention a close friend of the Inquisitor here,” added Varric.  “Who is an excellent shot by the way.”

            Fenris kept a hand on Dorian’s heart but didn’t pull it out.  His thoughts seemed to be waging a war as he thought over what they said.  But Shadow grew worried as he remained silent and time began to pass without anything happening.  She took another look at the markings on his skin and decided to try something else.  Something a little risky.  She took a step back and slowly lowered her bow, earning her companions confusion and protests.  Ignoring them, she spoke to the elf in the language of the country that had harmed them both.

            **“Please let him go.”**   Everyone looked at her in shock, but more importantly, so did Fenris.  He must’ve lightened his grip on Dorian’s heart (but didn’t let go) as the mage let out a relieved sigh, but she kept her gaze on the elf.  **“He isn’t responsible for the harm they did us.”**

            **“Us?”** Fenris demanded in the Tevinter tongue.

            Shadow nodded.  **“I too bear the mark of their cruelty.”**   She glanced at his markings.  **“Though mine is less pleasing to the eye.”**

Fenris narrowed his eyes at her.  **“Show me!”** he demanded.  Dorian began to protest, but another squeeze to the heart silenced him.

            Shadow undid the top of her leather armor and pulled down the collar of the shirt beneath, revealing the scarred skin.  “Hawke, if you wouldn’t sending a little bit of your magic this way.”

            “Uh, sure.”  Hawke waved his hand, sending some minor healing magic towards the scars.  His eyes widened when he saw a soft glow form beneath the scars.  He looked to his friend and saw that there was surprise and recognition in the elf’s eyes.

            Fenris looked back up when the glow disappeared and she closed up the leather again.  **“Why protect him?”**

**“Because he isn’t like the others. He is a good man.  I stand here, alive, because of him.”**

**“You owe him a life debt?”**

Shadow remained silent.  She could tell that the elf wasn’t willing to believe that she considered Dorian a friend and that it would be easier for him to think she did this to pay back a debt.  Fenris seemed to do some thinking and then demanded, **“What was your master’s name?”**

She felt her body go cold.  She couldn’t.  She couldn’t let herself open that door again.  Especially not here.  **_Your weakness will be his death._**   She closed her eyes, unable to witness her failure.  She snapped them back open when she heard Bull speaking in the language of the Qun.  She watched as Fenris stared at her for a moment, understanding dawning, and then he released Dorian.  The mage stumbled back, gasping and would’ve crumbled to the ground if Blackwall hadn’t caught him.

            Fenris glared at Bull.  “Keep him leashed.”  He looked at Shadow, and his eyes filled with sympathy.  Then he glared at Hawke and walked away, heading back to the cave.

            Hawke ran a hand through his hair.  Maker, was he never going to have a normal day?  He moved over to Dorian, whose magic was instinctively self-healing the minor injuries beneath his skin.  Hawke had his provide some assistance and Dorian’s breathing calmed.  Hawke turned toward Shadow who was still watching Fenris leave.  “You can speak Tevinter?”

            She tapped her fingers against her leg and nodded.  “I was a slave there for half my life,” she murmured.

            Hawke’s jaw dropped.  How did he not pick up on that?  He looked at Dorian and realized why.  She didn’t hate mages, especially those of the Imperium.  Otherwise, the man wouldn’t be there.  He had suspected she had experienced a difficult life and certainly some tragedy, as he had glimpsed the scars on her arms a time or two.  But he never would’ve guessed she had been a slave.  Her attitude toward magic was completely different than that of Fenris’s.  He narrowed his eyes at Varric.  “How come you never said anything?”

            Shadow explained before he could.  “I asked him, well all of them, not to tell anyone.  It isn’t exactly something I want the general population to know.”

            Hawke stared at her for a moment then smiled.  “I understand.  You’re secret is safe with me.”  He waved a hand after Fenris.  “And him.  He’s not much of a talker to begin with.”

            “Speaking of not telling things.”  Bull glared at the mage and Varric.

            “Would you believe me if I said that Broody’s hatred for Tevinter mages slipped my mind?” the dwarf asked.

            Dorian coughed.  “No.”

            Hawke stepped forward.  “I’ll take the blame here.  I had thought that Fenris’s hatred for mages had lessened as he’s been hanging around me for almost a decade now.  I knew he wouldn’t like the man, but I didn’t think he would attack on sight.”

            Blackwall lifted a brow.  “Did you not tell him before we arrived?”

            Hawke scratched his head.  “That actually did slip my mind.  The dragon’s been somewhat of a nuisance as she’s just over that hill there.”

            Bull went from scowling to grinning.  “She is?”

            “Focus.  Almost had my heart ripped out here,” complained Dorian.

            Shadow gave him a look of sympathy.  “Dorian, would you prefer to return to one of the camps with Bull and wait while we talk to Stroud?”

            Both Dorian and Bull said, “No.”  Bull looked irritated that she had asked and Dorian made a show of looking stronger than he probably was.

            Shadow sighed.  _Stubborn idiots_ , she thought.  But she was relieved to see that Dorian was able to stand.  She turned back to Hawke.  “Lead the way.” 

Varric moved to walk with the Qunari.  “What did you say to Broody?” he asked.

            Bull glanced down at him.  “I told him that she had asala-taar.”  His voice was low enough so that only Varric heard.

            “Which means?”

            “Soul sickness.”

***

            Shadow remained very still as she stared at the man who currently held a sword at her chest.  _What is it with men and facial hair?  That mustache is almost as ridiculous as Dorian’s._   She shook her head slowly when she saw Bull, Blackwall, and Dorian all move to the offensive.  Varric wasn’t present, having chosen to remain outside with Fenris.  Hawke quickly stepped forward.  “Whoa!  It’s just us, friend.  And the lovely woman you have your sword trained on is the Inquisitor.”

            The man, Warden Stroud, lowered his sword quickly and sheathed it.  “My apologizes, Inquisitor.  I did not know.”

            “You know, I don’t think we can afford to meet anymore of the Champion’s friends,” said Dorian.  “Seems dangerous.”

            Shadow shook her head at the Warden.  “No need to apologize, Warden Stroud.  I understand the need for caution.”

            “Your understanding does me great honor.  I am at your service, Inquisitor.”  Stroud placed his fist over his heart and gave a low bow.

            _I will never get used to that_.  “I do require your help.”  She looked at Hawke.  “I’m not sure what all Hawke has told you…”

            Hawke leaned against a stalagmite, his staff settled between his legs.  “I informed him of your dealing with Corypheus and our belief of a connection to the Warden’s disappearance.”

            Stroud nodded. “I fear your belief may be true.  When Hawke slew Corypheus, Weisshaupt was happy to put the matter to rest.  But an Archdemon can survive wounds that seem fatal and I feared Corypheus might possess the very same power.  My investigation uncovered clues but no proof.”  He gestured at the table that was covered in parchments.  “Then, not long after, every Warden in Thedas began to hear the Calling.”

            Hawke quickly stood back up and gripped his staff tightly.  “Maker, why didn’t you say anything?”

            His face didn’t reflect it, but there was a hint of apology in his voice as he answered, “It was a Grey Warden matter.  I was bound by an oath of secrecy.”

            “You forget that for years I fought beside a Warden.  Funny enough, we talked.  Often a little drunk.  He told me about the Calling.”

            Shadow slowly raised a hand to get someone’s attention.  “Anyone want to tell _me_ what the Calling is?”

            Stroud turned to her.  “The Calling informs a Warden that the Blight will soon claim him.”  Shadow quickly looked at Blackwall but the warrior’s face didn’t reveal anything.  He just stared at Stroud, ignoring the eyes on him.  Stroud continues explaining, “Starts with dreams.  Then come the whispers in the mind.”  Shadow thought she heard Dorian muttering to himself but wasn’t able to make anything out.  “The Warden says his farewells and goes to the Deep Roads to meet his death in combat.”

            “And every Warden in Thedas is hearing that right now?  They all think they are dying?” asked Hawke.  Shadow again glanced at Blackwall and she noticed that Bull was as well, though with a more critical eye.  Again, the Warden didn’t acknowledge either of their looks.

            Stroud nodded.  “Yes and I believe it is because of Corypheus.”

            “Are you hearing the Calling?” Shadow asked.

            A trace of sadness and pain touched Stroud’s face.  “Sadly, yes.  It lurks like a wolf in the shadow around a campfire.  The creature that makes this music has never known the love of the Maker but…”  He paused and stared into the fire of one of the torches.  “At times, I almost understand it,” he murmured.  Then he snapped back and all trace of sadness was gone.  “We must uncover what Corypheus has done and end it.  This cannot stand!”

            “Blackwall,” Shadow said, deciding to outright ask him.  The warrior finally returned her gaze.  “Have you also been hearing this Calling?”

            “I do not fear the Calling,” he said.  “And worrying about it only gives it power.  Anything Corypheus does will only strengthen my resolve.” Shadow stared at the man, wondering why he continued to hide.  If he had thought he had been dying this whole time, how come he never said anything?  _Who are you to judge?  Look how long it took you to tell_ anyone _about your issues_.

            Stroud also seemed to be studying the other Warden.  “If the Wardens fall,” he murmured, “who will stand against the next Blight?  That is our greatest fear.”

            Hawke crossed his arms.  “So Corypheus isn’t controlling them.  He’s bluffing them.”  He shook his head.  “And they’re falling for it.”

            “Can you blame them?” asked Shadow.  “Is it an actual Calling or is he mimicking it?”

            “I know not,” answered Stroud.  “Even as a senior Warden, I’ve only heard the vaguest of whispers in regards to Corypheus.  But the rest of the Order believes it to be real and they will act accordingly.”

            She didn’t like the sound of that.  She knew all too well how far one would go when terrified.  “How can he make all the Wardens hear the Calling?” she wondered aloud.

            “He did claim to be an ancient Magister,” Dorian pointed out.

            “He is also a darkspawn,” said Stroud.  “He speaks with the voice of the Blight.  It allows him to affect the minds of any tied to the Blight, such as the Wardens, just as the Archdemons do the darkspawn.  It must be how he is creating this false Calling.”  He moved around the table and leaned on it.  “Unfortunately, the only ones who could provide us with answers are either dead,” he glanced at Hawke, “or missing.”

            “Can you tell us the names of those missing?” Shadow asked.  “Our Spymaster is very good,” she added with a smile.  The more answers they could get, the better.

            Stroud returned the smile.  “I do not doubt that.  However, the whole of Ferelden has been on the lookout for one of these Wardens and still she remains missing.  I’m sure even your Spymaster has attempted to search for her.”  _Wait, could he be talking about…_ Shadow wondered.  Stroud continued, “I met this Warden and those under her command once before.  If she wishes for her location to remain unknown, I trust it is for good reason.”

            Shadow wanted to ask him, to confirm this Warden’s identity, but Hawke had grown impatient.  “You indicated that the Wardens are taking action against the Calling?  How are they doing that?”

            Stroud stood up straight.  “We are the only ones who can slay the Archdemons.  Without us, the next Blight will consume the world.  Warden-Commander Clarel spoke of a blood ritual to prevent future Blights before we all perish.”

            “Blood magic?” Hawke shouted.  He began to pace, upset.  “Maker damnit!  And I finally convinced Merrill to stop toying with that magic.”

            The senior Warden watched the mage move about the cave.  “I too protested.  But when I did, my own comrades turned against me.”  He pointed at the map.  “I know that the Wardens have all been called to the Western Approach.”  Shadow looked where he pointed.  The desert.  Huh.  Never been there before.  She had mostly stuck to places with lots and lots of trees.  The desert always sounded too open.  Stroud continued, “Unfortunately, the desert is vast and I have been unable to confirm where they will be performing this ritual.  Now that those that hunt for me have moved on, I will make my way there and locate it.”

            Hawke nodded.  “I will go with you then.  The Wardens will no doubt be on the lookout for you.” Hawke smiled.  “I’ve also heard there’s a lot of nasty beasties in the desert.”  Stroud frowned at the enthusiasm in the mage’s voice.  Shadow didn’t blame him.  Bull was enough trouble.

            “We can come as well,” said Shadow.

            Stroud shook his head.  “I would not recommend you journey with us, Inquisitor.  A smaller group will go unnoticed and there is no telling how long it will take to find this location.”  He smiled kindly at the rogue.  “And there are many others that require your aid, I believe.”

            Shadow protested, “The two of you can’t take on the whole Order though.”

            “I’m sure we’ll have Fenris,” said Hawke.  “He doesn’t take kindly to being left behind nor do I think your mage friend would live past a week if he remained at Skyhold.”

            “The _three_ of you can’t take on the whole Order,” corrected Shadow, giving the Champion a look.

            “I agree,” said Stroud before Hawke could speak.  “Once I have discovered their location, I will send word to the Inquisition.  You have my word.”

***

            An hour later, after filling Fenris and Varric in on the plan and waiting for Stroud to gather his things, the Warden, Champion, and elf left for the Western Approach.  Shadow still wasn’t comfortable with just the three of them doing this on their own, but Varric reminded her that Hawke and Fenris were both incredible fighters and Blackwall pointed out that Stroud was a _Senior_ Warden.

            The rest of them were on their way back to the keep when they were met halfway there by a runner.  “Inquisitor,” he shouted as he approached.

            Shadow sighed.  Something had gone wrong.  Again.  She waited until he was closer before asking, “What’s happened?”

            The runner took a moment to catch his breath.  “The dragon.  She flew over the keep and attempted to snatch some of our men.  We were able to fight her off but many were injured and we fear she will return to try again.  And soon.”  Shadow had thought she had heard the dragon’s roar earlier but had not realized how close to the keep it had been.  She glanced at Bull and saw the hopeful look on his face.  She sighed.  It appeared they weren’t going to be able to wait for those soldiers.  She turned back to the runner.

            “Inform the keep that we will confront her.”

            He nodded.  “Should I tell the men to meet you?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “No.  There aren’t enough men to take on the dragon and defend the keep.  Tell them to get everyone to a safe location and be prepared in case we are not successful.”  The runner saluted and ran off.  She turned to face the others.  Bull was beyond excited while the others just looked like they were accepting their fate.  “Looks like we’ll be fighting a dragon,” she said.

            Bull pumped a fist into the air.  “Fuck YES!”

            “Hooray,” muttered Dorian.

***

_Brother,_

_I haven’t heard from you in a while and I find myself concerned.  Please send word soon._

_W_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do love drawing out suspense. Don't you? ;) 
> 
> From what I can gather, "Soul Sickness" is what the Qunari call PTSD.
> 
> Please let me know if when I bold/italicize things it's more confusing than helpful. I would hate to create confusion where I don't want/need it. Thanks! :D


	29. Twenty-Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 70 page 2 Act play due Thursday? Works on this next chapter instead. :)

_Nightingale,_

_Met with ~~Hawke~~ Charming’s friend.  They will not be returning with us.  Had somewhere more important to be.  Will give a full report on return._

_So that thing ~~Cul~~ the Commander asked us not to do?  Kind of had to do it.  EVERYONE IS FINE!  All alive.  Except for the dragon.  Some minor injuries.  Hurt my arm a little so that’s why this looks messy.  I’m not a lefty by nature.  Nothing serious so nobody freak.  The carcass is on its way.  ~~Bull~~ Tiny wants the head but as for the rest, I think the blacksmiths might like to use what they can._

_Can we seriously stop with the code names?  Can you not see how much ink I waste?  We can keep using yours if you want but can we stop with the others?_

_~~Shadow~~   ~~Sneaky~~ Inquisitor_

_See what I mean!_

[Written in a different hand]

_She broke her arm and will need a healer. – The Iron Bull_

***

            Shadow gazed up at the Inquisition flags that hung from Skyhold’s walls as they made their way across the bridge leading to the main gate.  She sighed, feelings conflicting at returning home.  She looked forward to a bath and a night in an actual bed.  Not to mention a stop to the teasing.  Maker, that alone will save lives.  But she wasn’t looking forward to the lectures waiting for her.  As they entered the lower courtyard, greeted by some of the Inquisition’s soldiers, Shadow glanced around and then at the grand staircase that led to the main hall.  She was surprised to not see any of her advisors.  That couldn’t bode well for her.

            She bit back a moan when her mount jolted her and her right arm protested the action.  Though it rested in a sling against her chest, the arm _was_ broken and due to the lack of a healer in their company, not quite set properly.  This meant that any amount of movement caused a flare up of pain that rivaled that of the mark’s when she dealt with a rift.  She lifted said hand and studied the green light that shown through her leather glove, thankful that it hadn’t flared up on the return journey.  Constant pain in one arm was more than enough to deal with.  She drew her mount to a halt just outside the stables and watched as her travel companions all dismounted with easy.  She frowned at Bull when he moved to her horse’s side.  She was still a little irritated with the warrior.  “Did you have to tell them?” she asked, hating herself for the whine that she heard in her voice.  Maker, she sounded like she was five.  Not that she had done much whining when she was five.  Easiest way to earn a slap.

            Bull gripped her waist with both hands, gently lifting her from the saddle and made sure she found her footing before letting go.  “Yes.”  He crossed his arms and returned the glare she gave him.  Just as she was irritated with him for adding it to her report, he was equally irritated with her for leaving it out.  Not enough to not join in on making fun of her on the way back of course.  “Someone had to give Solas a heads up since the mage you brought along knows nothing about healing magic.”

            The Vint didn’t appreciate the stab at his abilities.  “I know some healing magic!”

            “Not enough to properly set a broken bone, it seems.”  Shadow flinched at the memory of Dorian’s failed attempt to set her arm and nudged Bull, trying to indicate that he needed to cut it out.  She hadn’t blamed the mage for being unable to heal her arm, but the Qunari had continued to toss it in his face.  She couldn’t tell for sure if he was truly upset with the mage’s failure at healing her or if he enjoyed riling him up.  She heavily suspected it might be the latter. 

            Dorian probably could’ve benefited from wondering the same.  Maybe then he would’ve prevented himself from reacting the same every time and possibly giving the Qunari what he wanted.  But he was distracted by the sting of guilt and glared up at the warrior, “I’m a necromancer not a healer!”  The Iron Bull grinned when the mage poked at him with his staff.  _Definitely the latter_ , Shadow thought, Blackwall and Varric joining her in watching the exchange.  The dwarf seemed to be enjoying this almost as much as Bull.  Dorian continued to rant.  “We weren’t even supposed to fight the bloody beast!  You were the one who went charging at it like a mad man!”

            Bull shrugged.  “Boss gave the go ahead.”  He smiled at Shadow.  “Thanks for that.”

            When Dorian turned to her, she waved her good arm.  “You know we didn’t have a choice.  Besides,” she mumbled, looking down and picking at her cloak, “it’s not like we were _ordered_ to not fight her.”

            Blackwall let out a snort at hearing her argument yet again.  “I’m fairly certain that is what the Commander did.”

            Shadow sighed, aware that her argument wouldn’t necessarily hold up but it was all she had.  “He _advised_ ,” she insisted.

            “Sneaky, you do know that isn’t going to fly with Curly, right?”

            She looked down at the grinning dwarf.  “He’s my _advisor_.  He _advises_.”  She glared at Blackwall when the Warden tried to cover his laugh with a cough.

            Varric didn’t bother hold back his.  “Can you wait and make sure I’m there when you tell him that?”  Shadow rolled her eyes and let out a huff, stomping off into the stables.  She passed Master Dennet as he began removing the saddle from one of the mounts.  He gave a pointed glance at her arm and she prepared herself for his questions, but all he said was welcome back and focused back on his task.  She smiled and nodded in acknowledgment before making her way to White Autumn’s stall.  The mare nickered at her as she approached and sniffed at her sling when she was close enough, making a concerned sound.

            “I did something stupid,” Shadow explained.  The horse bumped her left shoulder and the rogue smiled, gently rubbing the mare’s muzzle.  “I know.  I missed you too.”  She rested her head against her friend’s.

            “Where is the Inquisitor?”  Shadow cringed when she recognized the Seeker’s demanding voice and sighed.  Gone were the days when she could just slip into stealth and hide.  She gave White Autumn one last pat and made her way back to the others.

            “Long time no see Seeker!” Varric greeted, hoping that maybe she had forgiven him at least a little since they left.  He frowned when she ignored him and moved toward the Inquisitor.  _Andraste’s tits_ , he thought and kicked at a stable wall.  The woman sure knew how to hold a grudge.

            Shadow wasn’t quite sure what to expect from Cassandra upon their return, after all she knew just how much the woman despised dishonesty.  She noted that Blackwall had disappeared, probably back up to the loft above the stable to avoid the Seeker’s wrath.  She offered the warrior woman a smile.  “Hi Cassandra.”

            “Let me see your arm,” was the sharp reply.  Shadow held still while Cassandra carefully undid the sling in order to get a better look at her injured arm, doing so with a surprising amount of gentleness not usually seen in the woman.  But even with the Seeker being careful in her inspection, pain flared up and Shadow let out a hiss.  Cassandra looked up and her eyes softened at seeing the pain on her friend’s face.  “Has it brought you much pain?” she asked as she retied the sling.

            _Well, it_ was _broken_.  “Just a little,” Shadow answered, earning her a glare from Cassandra.

            “Bull?”  Her tone demanded truth.

            “Why ask him?” Shadow complained.

            “You have a habit of withholding when it comes to you and your troubles.”

            Bull leaned against the stable wall and smirked, pleased with the Seeker’s answer.  Maybe if enough people pointed it out, it’ll finally settle in that stubborn head of hers.  “She was chewing elfroot leaves the whole trip back.”

            “And grimacing a lot,” offered up Varric.

            “No one asked you, dwarf,” Cassandra snapped.  Shadow offered him a sympathetic look.  “You should go see Solas immediately.  I believe he is expecting you.”

            “You’re upset.”  _Why?  Why would you ask such a useless question?  Do you want her to yell?_

            Cassandra narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms.  “You caused needless worry when you chose to withhold the extent of your injuries.”

            “I was trying to prevent worry altogether,” Shadow protested.

            “Instead you’ve created future concerns.”  She explained further at Shadow’s confusion, holding back as much frustration as she could.  Frustration not completely caused by the Inquisitor’s actions, though some was.  No, now was not the time to reveal what has occurred in recent days.  “In the future, whenever you write that you are ‘fine’ it will be questioned and worried over as we will not know if you truly are or if you are trying to spare us.”

            Distress sparked in the rogue’s eyes.  She hadn’t meant for any of that.  “That wasn’t my intent,” she apologized.

            Cassandra saw that she truly was sorry and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.  “Go see Solas,” she ordered again, but her tone was softer now.  She seemed as if she wished to add to that, but instead quickly left, saying there were matters she had to attend to.  Shadow was too relieved to see that her friend wasn’t too angry with her to notice the hesitation.

            “That wasn’t so bad.”

            “Speak for yourself,” Varric muttered.  “I’m not sure how long it’ll take me to thaw back out.”

            Dorian picked up his pack.  “Perhaps you should finish that horrid book she likes.”  Varric grumbled to himself as the four of them made their way to the upper courtyard.  Shadow paused at the base of the main stairs and stared at Cullen’s tower, muttering a parting to Varric as he continued toward the tavern in search of Isabella and Merrill.  She was still worried about the tone of his last letter having been unable to figure out why it had changed.  She had her suspicions, most provided by the dark thoughts that again whispered to her.

            “You know,” spoke up the mage, “if you’re looking for a way to distract the Commander from being angry about the dragon, I might have some suggestions.”  Shadow turned to him, confused, and saw him giving her a suggestive look.  Understanding dawned and she blushed.

            “Why would you even -”

            Dorian sighed and stared up at the tower.  “Well, I would offer to do it, but sadly I’m not his type.”

            _And I am? **No.**_   She shook her head, both to clear it and to convey her disbelief.  “First the man in the village and now Cullen.  Your charm must be weakening.”

            “That is ridiculous!  My charm has never been stronger.  It’s these southerners.  It’s wasted on them.”  He waved a finger at her.  “And don’t think you can distract me with talk of myself, however fascinating the subject.”

            Shadow rolled her eyes but halted her reply when she saw the look of suspicion on Bull’s face.  She followed his gaze and saw that there were a small group of soldiers at the prison door and that Cassandra was with them, appearing to be giving orders.  That was odd.  Cullen or Rylen were the ones that normally gave the soldiers their orders and she was confused as to why there would even be any soldiers guarding the prison.  They didn’t have any prisoners.  Did they?  “What the Void is going on?” she wondered aloud.

            “Something’s happened,” Bull said.

            “Clearly.”  He shook his head, indicating he meant something more.

            “Not a single one of those soldiers is a Templar,” he added.  Sure enough, none wore Templar armor, another oddity as Cullen encouraged those in the Order to assist in duties outside of their traditional ones, especially since Shadow had insisted allowing the mages more freedoms.

            “I haven’t heard anything, have you?”  Dorian shook his head when she looked at him.  She snagged one of Leliana’s agents walking by.  “Do you know what that is about?” she asked, waving her free hand at the prison.  The agent’s expression gave nothing away as she answered that she did not and continued on.  Shadow put her hand to her hip. “Why wouldn’t Cassandra say something back at the stables?”  The Seeker seemed to become aware that she had an audience and looked over at them.  She stared at Shadow for a moment before disappearing through the door along with the soldiers.  “What the Void!”  Wanting answers, she started forward but was stopped when Bull placed a large hand on her shoulder.

            “I’ll look into it Boss.  You need to get that arm looked at.”

            “I’ll walk with you,” Dorian said.

            Bull grinned, “So you can learn some healing magic?”

            The air grew warmer around them as Dorian snapped back, “So I can get a bath!  Something, I might add, you are in desperate need of!  You smell like a wet ox!”

            A low laugh seemed to rumble from the Qunari and Dorian blushed at the gleam in his eye.  Shadow took a step back and pretended to not be aware of the tension between the two.  “Give me a few minutes,” Bull’s voice was low and suggestive, “and I’ll join you.”

            Dorian’s eyes widened and he seemed to struggle for words.  Unable to say anything while the Qunari continued to just stare at him, he turned and took to the stairs.  Shadow glanced at Bull, who winked at her before walking away himself, and hurried after Dorian.  The mage stopped and waited at the halfway point when he could hear her pain gasps as her arm bumped against her chest.  They took the remaining steps slowly.

            Shadow was relieved to see that there weren’t many people in the main hall and those that were present didn’t appear to be nobles.  She stopped when she heard her title called out and saw Josephine moving quickly toward them.  Dorian grumbled about needing to “scrub the stench of wet dog off” and continued onward, passing the Ambassador who registered concern at the mumbling mage.  She smiled warmly at Shadow.

            “Ambassador,” Shadow greeted, remembering the woman’s desire that they stick to titles as often as possible in public.

            “I am pleased to see you’ve returned safely.”  She gave a pointed look at the sling.  “For the most part.”

            Shadow sighed.  She would be brutally honest in her reports for now on.  “I was just on my way to see Solas about -” she waved her hand at the arm.

            Josephine nodded.  “Excellent.  Afterwards, we should meet in the war room and discuss what you’ve learned in Crestwood.”  She paused in her scribbling on her board.  “And other matters that require your attention.”

            Suspicion increased at hearing her hesitation.  “Such as?” she asked.

            The Ambassador’s eyes wouldn’t quite meet with Shadow’s.  “That is best discussed when we are all gathered.”

            _What is going on?_   “And where is Sister Leliana and the Commander?”

            Josephine relaxed a little.  “The Commander is in a meeting with Knight-Captain Rylen and should be finishing soon.  Sister Leliana is… also in a meeting.”

            Shadow felt the urge to cross her arms and was a little frustrated she couldn’t.  “Ambassador, why are there soldiers in Skyhold’s prison?”

            Josephine frozen and finally met her eyes.  “Excuse me?”

            Shadow spoke slowly.  “Did something happen while I was gone?”

            “As I said, there are some matters that require your attention -”

            “Josephine.”  Shadow warned.

            “But they must be discussed when the others are present.  In the war room.”  She took a step back.

            Shadow took one forward.  “Josephine.”

            She shook her head, an apology and sympathy in her eyes.  “I’m sorry Shadow.”  And then she fled back to her office.  Shadow would’ve followed but her broken arm reminded her what her original purpose in coming here was.  She let out a frustrated growl, spooking some of the servants near her and she stalked to the rotunda.  The door slammed against the wall as she entered and Solas jumped in his seat at the unexpected sound.

            “Do you know what the fuck is going on here?” Shadow hissed.

            Solas placed the tome he was reading onto the desk and calmly stood up.  “I’m afraid that without some context, I cannot answer.”  He watched as Shadow angrily paced the room.

            “Something has clearly happened.  There are guards at the prison, although last I checked, we didn’t have any prisoners and Cassandra didn’t say anything when she saw me earlier in the stables and just now Josie _ran_ from me.”  She whirled back to Solas.  “So what happened?”

            “Please calm yourself Inquisitor.”  He smiled when she snarled at him and corrected himself.  “Banal’ras.  We can’t have you injuring yourself further.”  He took her uninjured arm and gently led her to the couch.  “I’ll admit that I have noticed that there has been more tension within these walls and whispers among the soldiers, but I was of the mind that they were due to the news that you had fought a dragon.”  Shadow let out a sigh as she sat down.  “And I’ve been a little busy myself.”  He gestured toward the walls and she finally looked at them.  She let out a gasp and stood back up.

            She stared in awe at the paintings Solas had completed since she left for Crestwood.  She had been aware that he had requested paints and materials but she had no idea that this was what he had planned.  Her eyes took in the beautiful images that depicted the story of the creation of the Breach and the Inquisition.  She shivered at seeing the image of Envy holding the sword that stood as a symbol for the Templar Order.  She paused at seeing the next image and slowly approached the wall, lifting a trembling hand to touch the depiction of Haven and stared up at the one of Corypheus.  The images weren’t just beautiful but powerful as well.  “By the Maker,” she breathed, her voice trembling and her eyes tearing up as she studied the image of Haven’s destruction.  “Solas, they’re…”  She turned back to the elf mage.  “I can’t find words,” she admitted.

            He stared at the tears that fell slowly from her eyes.  “It wasn’t my intention to cause you pain,” he softly replied.

            “No, no no.”  Shadow quickly wiped the tears from her face.  “I’m not sad.  Well, maybe a little,” she corrected staring back at Haven.  “They’re just so… overwhelming.”  She smiled brightly at him and he felt himself return it.  He wondered if she was aware of just how she affected others when she allowed her emotions shine.  “I had no idea you were this talented.”  Her eyes widened when he let out a laugh.  “I mean – I know you’re talented, incredibly so, especially in magic and the Fade.”  She took a deep breath and covered her face with her hand.  “I meant painting.”

            She startled when she felt a hand take hers and remove it from her eyes.  Solas’s laughing ones met hers.  “Thank you, ma’falon.”  He gestured back to the couch.  “Now, let me see to your arm.”

            Shadow allowed him to lead her.  “You’re the first one not to scold me in some manner about it.  Or rather, my lack of communication.”

            “I’m sure you will provide me with another opportunity in no time.”  Shadow made a face at him before sitting.  He sat beside her and gently removed the sling, exposing the broken and bruised arm.”

            Shadow’s thoughts wondered as he inspected the injury, searching for some clue in the strange occurrences.  If only she could read minds – She whipped her attention back to Solas.  “Where’s Cole?”

            Solas frowned, due to the injury rather than her question.  “I am not certain as I have not seen him for a few days.”  He began to heal her arm, knitting the bones back together.  Shadow grimaced at the pain that resulted from it, although it wasn’t as strong as the past few days.  “I wouldn’t worry though.  He has no doubt found someone who requires his help.”  Healing done, he inspected the arm again.

            Shadow tapped her free hand against her leg.  “I’m surprised he hasn’t popped up to fill me in on whatever’s going on.”

            Solas gave her a disapproving glance.  “You shouldn’t always rely on him to provide answers.  Some you will need to discover yourself.”  Shadow sighed and he took some bandages, wrapping her arm before placing it back into the sling.  “I have mended the bone but it will be a few days before the arm is strong again.  Keep the sling and come to me every day so I can check its progress.  Also, no sparring or archery practice.”  When Shadow moved to argue, he waved a hand to cut her off.  “Too much too soon on the arm could result in the bone fracturing.”

            _And since it’s my right arm, I’m basically useless all around._   Ignoring her own bitter thoughts, she smiled.  “Thank you Solas.”

            The elf nodded in acknowledgment.  “Speaking of Cole, how were your dreams?  I admit I was surprised to see that you left him here.”

            “You did say he could reach me from wherever,” she pointed out.

            Solas arched a brow.  “I said it was _possible_.”

            She shrugged.  “He wanted to stay.”  She thought carefully on his question.  “My dreams were fine but…”

            Solas studied her, curious by her hesitation.  He had suspected that when she came to him for aid in her dreams, there were some things she continued to hold back.  He still was unable to identify the demon that gave her such strong nightmares, feeling that he was close to the answer but also feeling that with every step in his search he took two back.  He had tried questioning Cole, but every time the spirit seemed about to provide that answer, he grew agitated and vanished only to appear later with no recollection of the earlier conversation.  The spirit had made himself forget and this worried Solas.  And without his full abilities, he was unable to hunt the demon in the Fade.  He doubted the Inquisitor knew the answers herself, but she might hold a clue.  “But?” he asked.

            Shadow lightly touched the scars peeking out from beneath the bandage and thought about those dark thoughts.  “I guess there are somethings that will take longer to go away.”  She added with defeat in her voice, “If ever.”

            Solas stilled her hand with one of his.  “You’ve only recently begun to accept aid in your struggles.  It will take time.”  He paused and stood up, moving to his desk.  Shadow watched him as he seemed lost in thought.  Eventually, he turned back and sympathy shown in his eyes.  “But you should also accept that like your scars, some things cannot fade completely.”

            Shadow knew he meant to help, but hearing her same thoughts spoken back to her only concerned her.  The dreams may making waking difficult, but the dark thoughts occurred outside of dreams and thus were just as dangerous if not more so.  They _needed_ to stop.  Otherwise, she would need to step down.  **_As you should.  As they will force you to do so when they discover just how weak you are._**

            “Has the mark been troubling you?”  Shadow snapped out of her thoughts when Solas spoke and looked at him in confusion.  He nodded at her hand and she realized that she had been rubbing it against her leg.

            “No,” was her instinctive reply but she sighed when Solas narrowed his eyes at her.  If she wasn’t careful he would scold her after all.  “It stings a little now and then,” she admitted.  “More so after closing a rift.”

            “Have you noticed any other affects?  Perhaps while you dream?”

            “Before Cole and you began helping me with my dreams, it would flare up whenever I awoke from a particularly bad nightmare.  But I haven’t noticed anything as of late.”  Solas nodded and the two of them settled into comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts.  Shadow eventually asked, “Can you tell another story of the Fade?”

            “Do you not have a meeting?” he asked, but he smiled.  Both her willingness to listen to his controversial views on spirits and the Fade and her desire to learn more was a refreshing find, especially in one who was not a mage.  _No_ , he corrected himself, _especially in one who has every reason to fear magic_.

            “I’m not quite ready to hear the lectures heading my way,” she said with a smile.  As badly as she wanted answers, she also wanted to avoid those lectures equally as much.  “Besides you did promise to tell me about what you saw in the Fade about the Battle at Ostagar.”

            “So I did.”  Solas settled back into his chair and Shadow made herself more comfortable.  But before he could begin, the door that lead out to the battlements crashed open, startling them both into standing.  When the intruder came into view, Solas wisely made his way to the doors leading to the main hall.  “It appears we will need to postpone again, Inquisitor.”

            Shadow couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge the elf’s departure as she stood trapped in the angry gaze of the Inquisition’s Commander.


	30. Twenty-Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I am so sorry guys! I can't believe just how long it took me to get this new chapter up. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! I can't tell you the number of drafts I've gone through with this one. And for some reason, the last two weeks when I've been working on typing I had a really hard time sitting down to actually type. My motivation and inspiration for this chapter was really hard to find. Damn, I'm really sorry for the wait. I can't promise it won't happen again (because a new semester starts soon and no doubt this will repeat towards the end) but I can promise I'm never just going to stop working on it.

            Cullen was relieved to see that she was safe.  Really, he was.  For days now, he had struggled with containing just how worried he was for her.  And with the security risk within Skyhold and then hearing about the dragon and her injury, he had plenty of it.  But his method of dealing with that worry was of course to focus on a more familiar emotion.  Anger.  Anger at her decision to not wait for the men he sent, to fight the dragon herself, and then to withhold the extent of her injuries.  And anger at himself for not being able to protect.

            So while he was indeed relieved to see her safe and back home, anger was the stronger of the two as he stared at her bandaged arm resting in its sling.

            Shadow watched his eyes harden when they fixated on her arm.  She was happy to see him but she wasn’t looking forward to the fight in those eyes.  “Hi.”

            Cullen took a calming breath in an attempt to keep his voice low.  “What were you thinking taking on the dragon?”

            “She was becoming increasingly more dangerous.  Someone had to deal with her,” she explained, calmly.

            Cullen’s hand tightened on his sword’s hilt.  “And what possessed you to believe that had to be you?”  His voice rose in volume, betraying his struggle with his anger.  “Maker, have you ever fought a dragon before?”

            Shadow was experiencing a struggle of her own.  Not to answer his anger with her own.  But sarcasm wasn’t exactly the best response either.  “Well, now I have.”

            The Commander’s eyes narrowed and his voice lowered again, but the heat behind them both only grew.  “You believe this is funny?”

            She shook her head.  “No, I don’t.  But Cullen, someone had to deal with the dragon,” she insisted again.

            “That is why I sent more soldiers!” he shouted, his anger lashing out.

            Shadow’s voice rose in volume as well, although she was able to keep it from being a full shout, “We couldn’t wait -”

            Cullen angrily interrupted with, “I ordered you to!”

            There was a moment of silence and then – “Now wait one fucking minute!”  Shadow stood up and marched across the room to Cullen.  “You do _not_ give me orders!”  She poked his chest plate.  “You are my advisor, you give _advice_!”  She swore she could hear Varric laughing somewhere.

            For a moment, Cullen was mesmerized by the fire in her green eyes and an urge began to creep into his mind.  But he fought it back.  As she just pointed out, she was the Inquisitor.  He focused back on the subject at hand.  “Advice you ignored,” he growled.

            Shadow really hated having a broken arm when she realized she couldn’t throw both her hands in the air.  Instead she paced away.  “I did not ignore it!  I was unable to heed it!”  She whirled back to face him.  “I would’ve loved nothing more than to let the men you were sending deal with the dragon but she left us no choice when she attacked the keep!  I had to make a decision before anyone else was hurt or killed.”  Cullen opened his mouth to argue further, but she cut him off.  “Did you make me Inquisitor to follow your decisions, or to make my own?”

            Cullen had read the reports that had come from the soldiers in Crestwood and understood that the dragon had indeed become more aggressive and attacked the keep.  He understood that the beast had to be dealt with.  But he also knew just how many she took with her into battle.  Or rather, how few.  “Then why didn’t you take more soldiers with you?  You left them all at the keep and only took on the dragon with four others!”

            “I couldn’t leave the keep defenseless!  If we were to fail -”

            “And what if you had!”  Cullen marched forward and towered over her.  “The Inquisition would be without its leader and I -”  _Without you_.  Cullen hesitated over this thought and took a step back.  He saw concern fill Shadow’s eyes and pushed the thought aside.  “You could’ve died!”

            Shadow had a feeling that there was something more to Cullen’s anger but she knew she couldn’t back down from this.  Her decision had been the right one.  “But I didn’t.  I wasn’t reckless Cullen.  I kept back during the fight, using my bow and ducking behind rocks when her breath got a bit too hot.”

            Cullen pointedly glared at her arm.  “You were injured.”

            Shadow sighed.  Now comes the argument about her report.  Oh joy.  “Okay, yes.  So I got close to her after the fight and is there a chance we could take a break before the lecture about my reporting skills because -”

            “What do you mean ‘after the fight’?”

            Shadow stopped and looked at him, caught off guard by the question.  “What?”

            “You said you didn’t get close to the dragon until after the fight.”  Shadow blushed and Cullen tilted his head, confused.

            Shadow looked at the floor, unable to meet his eyes out of embarrassment.  “I didn’t break my arm during the fight but after she was already dead.”

            Cullen shook his head.  “Then how…?”

            “I fell,” she blurted out and continued, speaking quickly.  “I was trying to retrieve as many of my arrows as I could because unlike Sera, I don’t have an unlimited supply of them and when I tried climbing the body to reach one, I lost hold and,” she took a breath, “fell.  I landed on my arm, breaking it.”

            “You just fell…”  Cullen was so surprised he almost let loose a laugh, catching himself in time to cover it with a cough.  But he couldn’t fool Shadow who had learned over the last few days how to catch similar acts among her travel companions.  She shot him a glare and he returned an apologetic smile.  “I’m sorry.”

            Shadow dropped her glare and shook her head, letting out her own laugh.  “It’s a pretty stupid way to break one’s arm.  Everyone teased me about it the whole trip back.  Of course, I’m sure Varric is already changing that part of the story.”

            “When we received your report, we just assumed…”  Cullen spread out his hands.

            Shadow rolled her eyes.  “Trust me, I am well aware of how poorly I worded that report.”

            Cullen arched a brow and crossed his arms.  “Good.”

            Shadow really wished she could mirror his stance.  Stupid injured arm.  “Are you going to start yelling at me again Commander?”  She softened her question with a smile and a teasing glint in her eyes.

            Now that he’s anger had cooled, Cullen could see that while he might not like the decision she made, she was the Inquisitor and the decision did save many lives.  He blushed and rubbed at his neck.  Maker, why did he keep losing his head when it came to her?  “I – uh.”  He cleared his throat.  “No.  I would just like to _suggest_ that in the future you provide more details in your reports.  Especially if you are injured.”  His eyes softened.  “You don’t have to hide your pain from us.”

            Shadow blushed again and found it difficult to meet his eyes.  “I know that.  Now.”

            Cullen reached out and lightly touched her bandaged arm.  “Are you in pain?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “Solas worked his magic, so not as much anymore.  Still sore and rather useless, but healing.”

            Worry again fed anger and Cullen’s voice sharpened again.  “You can’t go fighting anymore dragons.”

            Shadow narrowed her eyes at him, not wanting to go back to this argument again.  While it wasn’t exactly resolved, she thought they had come to some kind of understanding.  Or maybe that was just wishful thinking on her part.  “Is that an order Commander?”

            Cullen realized that was exactly how it sounded and also, that he really wanted to say yes.  But that wouldn’t be wise just as his reasons for such a response weren’t.  She was the Inquisitor and he couldn’t order her about in order to keep her safe.  It wasn’t his place.  For many reasons.  “No.  Just some strongly recommended advice, Inquisitor.”

            Shadow smiled.  “Well I happen to like your _advice_.  I didn’t much care for fighting a dragon and other then the exception of Corypheus’s beast, I don’t plan on repeating the experience.  Much to the disappointment of Bull, I’m sure.”

            Cullen returned her smile.  “I’m glad.”  He realized how close he had come to her while they talked and he stepped back, giving an awkward cough.  Now he wasn’t quite sure what to say.  Seemed a little late for the ‘how was your journey’ and ‘glad you’re back safe’ options.

            Shadow studied Cullen’s face as he continued to look to the side and she narrowed her eyes in concern when she saw the light bruises beneath them.  The Commander hadn’t been getting much sleep.  She wondered if it was due to the lyrium withdrawals or his tendency just keep working until he dropped.  Probably both.

            Then she remembered the strange thing that she wondered about earlier.  “Cullen?”

            _Thank the Maker_ , he thought.  He had been struggling with what to say next.  “Inquisitor?”  He gave a small smile when she huffed in annoyance.  “Sorry.  Shadow.”

            “What happened?”  Confusion appeared in his eyes and she used her uninjured arm to indicate Skyhold.  “Here, while I was in Crestwood.  I saw the increased guard at the prison door but when I asked Josephine about it, she… well she ran from me.”  Shadow frowned as she remembered the Ambassador’s strange behavior.  “What happened here Cullen?”

            Surprise sparked in him.  No one’s told her?  Why hadn’t Josephine when Shadow asked?  And what of the Seeker?  She had excused herself from the meeting with the senior Templars early in order to meet with the Inquisitor upon her return.  Why hadn’t she had said something then?  They were trying to keep knowledge of the situation contained but they had agreed to inform her once she – Then understanding came to him.  Neither had said anything because she had yet to be alone.

            Unfortunately, Cullen had been quiet for too long and Shadow mistook this for hesitation and doubt entered her thoughts.  **_Did you really think they would continue to treat you as a leader after you revealed what you are?_** She tried to push back the dark thoughts with reasoning but Cullen’s continued silence coupled with her still strong insecurities allowed them to fill her mind.  Hurt and anger intertwined and she took a step back from the Commander.

            She hissed out an echo from earlier, “Why did any of you bother to name me Inquisitor?”

            Cullen was startled by not only her question but the tone of her voice.  “What?”

            She gave the dark thoughts voice, “Was it only because I have this mark on my hand?  That more and more people think I’m the ‘Herald of Andraste’?”  Said mark began to spark and she clenched it in pain.  Cullen made to move toward her but when she took another step back, he froze, confused.  He had thought that they had gotten past this, that she no longer questioned why they had named her Inquisitor.  Why was she doing so now?

            “No!” he protested.  “You know that isn’t why.  We named you Inquisitor because you are the only one, the right one to lead the Inquisition!  To lead us!”

            She glared at him.  “Then how the Void I’m supposed to do that when my own advisors are keeping things from me?  Something has clearly happened here, within our home, and yet no one will tell _me_ anything!”  She could feel her voice begin to tremble due to her emotions and tried to stop talking before it showed.

            But Cullen caught it and realized why she was saying these things.  They had hurt her.  In their efforts to keep certain other parties from becoming aware of their prisoner, they had caused their Inquisitor to doubt herself and them.  _You stupid stupid man,_ he scolded himself.  When Leliana had suggested waiting until she had returned and they met in the War Room, he should’ve argued that they tell her immediately upon her return.

            “Inquisitor -” he began to explain but stopped when she whirled away from him and started for the door that lead back to the main hall.  He hesitated a moment before following.  “Where are you going?”

            “To find out what the fuck is going on!” she shouted over her shoulder, marching through the door and entering the hall.  Cullen rushed forward and stopped her by the table the dwarf usually claimed.  The ex-Templar gave thanks that he wasn’t there now, although the hall was beginning to fill with nobles, soldiers, and servants.

            Trying to keep his voice down, he grabbed her uninjured arm, “Inquisitor wait.”

            She whipped around and ripped the arm from his grip.  “Why?”  She immediately hated how whinny her voice sounded and regretted sounding like a child.  “Why should I continue listening to people who lecture me on leaving out details in my reports when they themselves are keeping secrets from me?  My advisors are a bunch of hypocrites!”

            Cullen cringed when her voice grew louder and glared at those that didn’t even try to hide that they were listening.  They needed to have this conversation somewhere private but it was clear she wouldn’t go willingly.  He turned his narrowed eyes to the woman in front of him and gripped her arm again, stronger this time.  “Not here,” he hissed and started dragging her to the Ambassador’s office.  Shadow was too startled by his behavior to put up a fight and had to jog in order to keep up with his pace.  In his rush, the Commander slammed open the doors in his way and they quickly made their way through Josephine’s office, currently empty.  Cullen took her to the War Room, where Solas had placed wards to prevent eavesdroppers.  When they entered the room, he released her arm and shut the door before.  Shadow faced him, preparing herself for the anger that she was sure was coming, her own growing hotter.  But when he turned to face her, his expression and his words caused her to shut her mouth in surprise.

            “I’m sorry,” Cullen said, his words soft and sincere.  “Our intent was never to hurt you or cause you to doubt.  We only wished to protect the Inquisition… and you.”  Shadow felt her anger cool as she stared into his sorrowful eyes, although it still simmered within her as those dark thoughts continued to whisper.

            “From what?” she asked.

            Cullen stood straight and his gaze grew intense.  “Someone who claims his origins are intertwined with yours.”

            Shadow felt herself go still, the fire of her anger put out by the chill of her fear.  **_Did you really think you were free?_**  Her heart began to beat faster and her breathing increased as panic clouded her thoughts.  Before her fear could completely overwhelm her, thin arms circled her waist and she became aware of a blond-haired young man hugging her tightly.

            “No no no,” Cole murmured into her shoulder, his hat laying on the ground behind him.  “Not him.”  The spirit boy’s head came up and pale blue met worried gold.  “Not _him_ ,” he insisted.

            If Cullen’s father were here, he didn’t doubt that he would be smacking him upside the head.  Through his poor wording, his attempt to make things right had only made them worse.  As he mentally beat on himself, he hurried to correct yet another error.  “Inquisitor.”  When she didn’t respond, he insisted, “Shadow.”  Her head jerked up and he cursed himself anew when he saw the fear in her eyes.  “ _He_ isn’t involved.  Leliana has already concluded that there are no direct ties to Tevinter in this.”  He watched as Cole continued to murmur to Shadow, his eyes trapped by hers.  He watched as her body began to relax again and the fear in her eyes dimmed.  He fought to keep his anger hidden as he watched shame replace the fear and this time his curses were aimed at the faceless Magister and his son.  The Commander wished the two men were indeed in Skyhold’s cells or better yet, feeling the bite of his blade.

            Shadow took a deep breath and smiled at Cole as he released her and stepped back.  Silently, she thanked him and turned back to Cullen.  She saw the concern on his face but wanted to move away from the embarrassing scene and unto finally unveiling this mystery.  “Tell me everything.  From the beginning.”

            “Then it may be better for me to speak first.”  Cullen and Shadow both faced the now open door and found the Spymaster and Ambassador standing there.  They entered and Leliana closed the door, this time locking it.  Shadow noticed that Josephine appeared about to speak but for the first time since she’s known her, the Ambassador seemed unable to form the words she sought.

            “Knowledge at the tip of her tongue, desperate to share with friend and leader,” muttered Cole, hat in hand.  “But too many ears would hear.  She is sorry.”

            Understanding dawned and Shadow looked to Josephine.  “You weren’t trying to keep me in the dark.”  She glanced at Cullen as she thought of his earlier behavior before focusing back on the woman.  “It was the rest of Skyhold.”

            Josephine nodded, relief in her dark eyes.  “I apologize for my behavior earlier.”  She gave a small smile and dipped her head in embarrassment.  “I wanted to inform you then when you asked but…”  She sighed.  “I’m afraid that for a moment there, I forgot all my knowledge of how to play the Game and wasn’t the most graceful.”

            “It did seem out of character,” Shadow said before offering a smile to the Ambassador, showing she understood.  Then she turned to the Spymaster to demand answers but was instead surprised to find a small stack of papers stuffed into her hand.  Curious, she moved to place them on the large table and picked one back up to look over, but paused for a moment when Leliana spoke.

            “My agents discovered that one of the Templars within Skyhold was exchanging these letter with someone outside of the Inquisition.”  She continued to speak as Shadow looked over each letter.  “I was able to rule out there being a connection with Tevinter early on and continued to monitor the letters as they came and went.”

            “How long?” Shadow asked, looking up from the last letter.  She didn’t recognize the writing nor the initials.  Just who was she to these people?  There was no indication that her being the Inquisitor or the Herald was the reason behind their obsession and why did they seem afraid of their father?

            “The letters we intercepted seem to indicate that they’ve been communicating about you since your naming as Inquisitor, perhaps even back before the fall of Haven.”

            Shadow shook her head.  “I meant, how long have you been aware of these?”

            Leliana kept her gaze steady although she hesitated before answering.  “Since just before Hawke’s arrival.”

            _That long!  Seriously!_   Shadow glared at the hooded woman.  “And you didn’t say anything sooner?”

            Leliana crossed her arms, her body on the defensive.  “Initially, I _had_ thought there may be a connection with Tevinter.”  She arched a brow.  “Or rather, your past with the country and you had made your thoughts on the subject quite clear.”  Anger sparked again in the Inquisitor’s eyes at the Spymaster’s cold words but she held her tongue.  “Once I determined there was no such connection, I continued my silence in hopes that by allowing him to remain unaware of his discovery, his intentions would become clearer within the letters.”

            Shadow decided she would save the talk about the Spymaster’s decision for later.  Right now, she needed to stay focused on the situation at hand.  She held up one of the letters.  “I think the intent is fairly clear.  It’s the why or who that escapes me.”

            “So there is no sense of familiarity for you?” Josephine asked. 

Shadow shook her head.  “Who are they?”

Josephine stepped forward.  “They are of the Trevelyan house, a noble family from Ostwick in the Free Marches.  The Templar is Nigel Edwin Trevelyan, the third child of the Bann and his wife, and the brother is the oldest and heir, Waylon Everett Trevelyan.”

“Are their names familiar?” asked Leliana.

Shadow shook her head.  “I rarely came in contact with nobles in my travels and I kept mostly to Orlais or Ferelden.  I’ve never been to the Free Marches.”

Josephine looked down at her writing board and the information she had gathered.  “House Trevelyan doesn’t hold much power outside of the Free Marches but within, they have strong ties with the Chantry and this has placed them as one of the strongest families in the Marches.”

“How can they have strong ties with the Chantry but remain powerful only in the Marches,” asked Shadow.

“A question that plagues the Bann,” said Leliana.  “As is the Trevelyan way, if one isn’t the heir or expected to marry for political gain, then they are sworn to the Chantry or Templar Order.  A practice performed for generations, no doubt to attempt to increase the House’s reach beyond the Marches.”

            “Which would work,” spoke up the Ambassador, “if those members themselves reached far beyond the borders.  This is the furthest south I’ve encountered a Trevelyan myself.”

            “The failure is also due to the Chantry not being blind to the Bann’s ambitions or his behavior,” spoke Leliana.

            “His behavior?” asked Shadow.

            Josephine frowned.  “The current Bann is… unpleasant to put it politely.”

            Shadow tilted her head.  “And to put it rudely?”

            “He’s an ass,” stated Cullen.  Shadow fought a smile and lost.

            Leliana smiled as well.  “In all honesty, the only reason the Trevelyan family still holds so much power in the Marches, despite the Bann’s character, is his wife, Lady Olivia.”

            “I’ve met the Lady a time or two and it baffles me that after so many years married to such a boorish man, she still remains one of the kindest people I know,” sighed Josephine.

            “What do they say about their children’s actions,” asked Shadow.  When no one immediately answered, she said, “Right, you were keeping this secret.  Why?”

            Leliana answered, “As you can see from the final letters, Lord Waylon indicated that he would be traveling here soon and I proposed that it would be best to draw him out by preventing him from learning that we are on to them now.”

            “Also,” said the Ambassador, “we thought it wise to continue to keep the Bann in the dark, at least until we understand why these two are so interested in you.  The letters indicate he wouldn’t be pleased to know of you and I suspect he would be equal upset to learn we have one of his children in our cells.”

            Shadow nodded to show her understanding.  She tried to think of what she would mean to any Bann and failed.  She spent half her life as a slave and the other half wandering Thedas.  She shouldn’t mean anything to these people.  “What does the Templar have to say?”  She looked to Leliana.  “And what made you decide to come forward with these now?”

            Cullen answered by sharing the duty roster showing the Trevelyan’s name on the volunteer list for her quester’s guard.  She frowned, more so that there was even a guard then that the man had attempted to get that close to her.  Cullen also continued on to answer her first question.  “The only thing he will say is that he will only share his reasons with you and that he means you no harm that he only wishes to talk.  Even after days of Cassandra integrating him, he sticks by these words.”

            Shadow looked at the Commander.  “And do you believe him?”

            Cullen glanced at the others before speaking.  “I’ve looked into his history with the Order.  He is a good warrior and has only shown loyalty to the Order and his charges.  Before the Mage-Templar war, he was stationed in Ostwick’s Circle and it appears he aided many mages in their escape when it fell although his presence at Redoubt indicates that they separated shortly after.  His superiors speak highly of him as do his bunkmates.”  He took a deep breath.  “And I don’t believe he is lying when he says he means you no harm.  He is clearly keeping something from us, but I no longer believe his intentions are malicious.”

            “I agree,” spoke up the Ambassador.  “Their father may be a horrible man, but the children all seem to take after their mother.”

            Shadow turned to the Spymaster who added her piece.  “All could be the perfect cover.  He and his brother’s desire to keep those close to you in the dark and approach you alone do not seem the actions of a man who comes in peace.”

            “And Cassandra’s conclusion,” asked the Inquisitor since the Seeker has been the one integrating the man.

            Cullen sighed.  “Her distrust grows the longer he remains silent.”

            Shadow stopped herself from sighing heavily and rolling her eyes.  Of course everyone would be evenly divided on the issue.  And while she might be questioning some of Leliana’s choices at the moment, her opinion still carried weight for the Inquisitor.  _Guess there’s really only one way to determine the next step._   “So he will only talk to me?”  They all nodded in confirmation and she shrugged.  “Then take me to him.”

***

The Commander, Spymaster, and Inquisitor entered Skyhold’s prison to see the Seeker arguing with the Ben-Hassrath.  Or rather, the warrior woman was yelling as the Qunari stood straight with his arms crossed and just stared down at her.  The soldiers standing near were all looking away from the pair, but when they saw who entered, they all stood at attention.  The Iron Bull looked over when the door closed.

“Hey Boss.  They finally fill you in?”

Cassandra turned.  “Inquisitor!”  She glanced at Leliana, who simply stated that she knew all they did.  “Thank the Maker.  I do not care for this cloak and dagger play.”

Shadow smiled at the disgust she heard in her friend’s voice.  She had a feeling that if anyone was the most put out by all of this secrecy, Cassandra would be at the top of that list even before herself.  She looked to Bull.  “Do you -” she began to ask but the large warrior interrupted her.

“I’ve learned enough to grasp the situation.”  Cassandra gave a shout of protest but was ignored as he turned to Leliana.  “I’d like to look at those letters.”

Leliana arched a brow.  “Oh?  Why?”

He smirked.  “I might find something you missed.” 

Shadow intervened before a ‘who’s the better spy’ pissing match could start.  “Just give him the letters.  He likes reading everyone’s mail.”  She said this last part while giving him a look which he just laughed at.  She turned back to Cassandra.  “I want to talk with him.”

Cassandra nodded.  “This way then.”  The Seeker led Shadow further down into the prison, passing many empty cells and a few more soldiers.  Cullen followed them while Leliana and Bull remained at the entrance.  Shadow could hear the roar of another one of the waterfalls that flowed from beneath the fortress but Cassandra didn’t lead them through the door that would’ve revealed a series of cells that surrounded the waterfall.  Shadow guessed that construction of a stable walkway was still in progress.  Instead, the Seeker stopped in front a cell just before the door.

Inside, a man laid on a cot, his arm flung over his face preventing him from seeing who stood at his barred door.  His feet were bare and his trousers and shirt were torn and filthy from days without cleaning.  “More questions I won’t answer?” he asked in a deep voice that held a hint of irritation.

“Did you not say you would explain yourself to the Inquisitor herself?” Cassandra snapped back, her irritation very clear.  The man startled, bringing his arm from his face and sitting up.  He stared at Shadow first with disbelief then relief.  She stared at him with shock.  She remembered this Templar from Haven, just after closing the Breach.  His black hair was a little longer and he had the beginnings of a beard, but it was him.  The strange man that had stared at her with shock and recognition.

He leapt from his bed, any exhaustion he had previous felt gone, and stumbled to the bars.  “Your Worship,” he breathed with excitement.  “You’re here.”  He stared at her, his blue eyes taking everything in.  He took a step back when his gaze fell on her sling.  “You’re hurt.”

“Curtesy of a dragon,” Shadow said without thinking.  She also took a step back and looked to Cassandra.  “Open the cell.”

Cassandra protested, “But Inquisitor -”

Shadow held up a hand.  “I will not talk with a man through a cell door.”  When the Seeker hesitated, Shadow motioned at her sword and the Commander’s.  “You two are well armed.  If he were foolish enough to try something, I’m sure you could handle it.”  Cassandra looked to Cullen who gave her a look that said, ‘You really want to argue with her’ and she sighed before unlocking and opening the cell door.  Shadow and the Templar didn’t move from their current positions though, as if the door was still there.  “You wished to speak with me?” she said.

The Templar nodded.  “Yes.”  But instead of doing so, he only continued to stare at her.  Shadow began to feel uncomfortable by his gaze and unconsciously squirmed where she stood.  Why was he staring at her like that?

Cullen didn’t care for the man’s stare either, both because he saw how uncomfortable it made Shadow and how it made him feel.  He took a step forward, gripping his sword and growled loudly, “Then speak!”

The man jumped and stared wide eyes at the Commander.  “Sorry Commander!” he apologized loudly.  He turned his startled gaze back to Shadow.  “Herald.  Inquisitor!”  He ran both his hands through his hair.  “Oh bloody Void.”  He turned red when he realized what he had said.  “Pardon my language Your Worship.”

Cassandra sighed and Shadow felt her discomfort replaced with amusement.  She glanced at Cullen and saw he was still glaring at the man.  She placed a light hand on his arm and when he looked at her, she indicated that he relax.  He glared one last time at the Templar before stepping back but kept his hand on his sword’s pommel.  Shadow took what she could get and turned back to the prisoner, her expression becoming serious.

“Why are you and your brother so interested in speaking with me?” she asked, earning a grunt of approval from the Seeker at her direct question.

The Templar glanced from the angry gazes of the Seeker and Commander and seemed to struggle with what to say.  “Waylon is better with words,” he muttered.

“It doesn’t need to be fancy,” Shadow said, beginning to feel impatient herself.

“Okay,” said the Templar.  He looked her in the eyes, his expression dead serious.  “We believe you are our long lost sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hurt me! *hides* I swear I'm working on the next chapter!


	31. Thirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Maker this chapter was harder to write than I thought it was going to be. Now excuse me while I scream in a pillow.

            Silence echoed off of stone walls.  Even the roar of the waterfall seemed to have quieted from the shocking confession of the Templar.  Or maybe it was Shadow’s shocked and scrambled thoughts that kept her from hearing it.  Not that she was paying much attention to it, her focus was on the man before her, the one claiming to be her _brother_.

            Nigel Trevelyan continued to stare at her, waiting for a response and trying to be patient.  Waylon had stressed nothing but patience these past months and with all that practice, he could continue to be so.  No matter how much he wanted to rejoice at seeing his youngest sister here before him, to be able to call her that, he knew that now wasn’t the time.  He could see the doubt filling her eyes, green like their mother’s, and knew that he still had some convincing to do.  _And not only her_ , he thought when he suddenly found himself shoved up against the wall and staring into the raging eyes of the Seeker.

            “You lie!” Cassandra shouted, angered on behalf of her friend.

            “No,” protested the Templar.  “I speak the truth!  I swear on the name of the -”

            He stopped speaking when he felt the cool metal of a dagger on his throat.  “How dare you drag _His_ name into your lies,” she growled.

            The Seeker’s potentially deadly actions brought Shadow back from her thoughts and to the situation at hand.  “Cassandra no!”  Just as Cassandra’s actions spurred her to act, her shout did so to another who had been frozen in shock beside her.  Cullen rushed forward and pulled the warrior woman off of Nigel and placed himself between the two.  When she attempted to move past him, he shoved her against the wall and said the only thing he knew would free the Seeker from her rage, “The Inquisitor gave you an order!”  Cassandra froze and he waited until awareness entered her eyes before stepping back.  Anger was still there, but it no longer moved her.  He turned his gaze to the Templar, who leaned against the wall in exhaustion, and struggled with his own anger as questions filled his mind.  Was he lying in order to trick the Inquisitor and later harm her?  Or was he telling the truth, meaning that he was connected to those partially responsible for the pain and fear Shadow suffered?

            Nigel could see that while the Commander had somewhat calmed the Seeker and kept her at bay, his own anger was there and he needed to tread carefully.  _Shit, why couldn’t Waylon be here?  Or Jasper!  They would be more willing to listen to a Brother of the Faith._   He looked to the Inquisitor who still stood tensely outside his cell.  “I swear it,” he begged to her.  “I speak the truth.”

            She didn’t want to believe that, couldn’t believe that.  Shadow shook her head, missing the hurt that flashed in his eyes at the action.  “I don’t have a family,” she said softly.

            “But you do,” Nigel insisted.  He offered a gentle smile and took a small step forward.  “I’m your brother.”

            Cullen’s angered burned hotter and he growled.  “Then give me one reason why I shouldn’t take your head off now.”

            Everyone looked at him in shock, including Cassandra.  “Wait, what?” Nigel stuttered.

            Cullen’s hand went to his sword.  “If what you say is true, then your family is in part responsible for what she has endured.”  Part of him, the logic side, argued that this man would’ve only been a child when she was a babe, but the part of him that desperately wanted to punish someone for hurting her was louder.  He began to slide his sword out of its sheath.

            The Templar’s blue eyes widened at the action.  “No!  Maker no!  My father, _our_ father, Bann Trevelyan, _he_ alone is responsible!”  He looked to Shadow again and wondered just what she’s been through all these years.  “Please, know that I speak the truth.”  Cullen let out a growl and stepped forward.

            “Stop!”  Cullen froze at the commanding tone and looked to the Inquisitor.  She stood straight and her eyes were hard.  She motioned for him to step back and put away his blade.  He did so and she turned her eyes onto the Templar.  There was a flicker of hope followed by doubt in her eyes before they hardened again.  Her voice, however, remained soft as she asked, “Why do you believe that I am your sister?”

            Nigel took a deep breath in relief.  She was willing to listen, thank the Maker.  “When I first saw you, back at Therinfal Redoubt, you were helping attend to the wounded.”  Shadow remembered.  After securing the alliance, she had left Cassandra to talk things over with the senior members of the Order and had decided to work with Solas in helping the injured.  Although she had no magic, she was familiar with dressing wounds.  “Upon seeing you and hearing your voice, I felt this sense of familiarity but was unable to determine why.  It came to me after you had closed the Breach.  You were staring up at where it had been and the way you stood made me remember.”  Nigel smiled at Shadow.  “You look just as our mother did when she was young, as I’ve seen her in portraits and can remember from my youth.  Although, her hair was much longer than yours,” he added as an afterthought.

            _Wouldn’t have Josephine said something if that were true?_ Shadow glanced at Cullen and Cassandra and saw that they both seemed as doubtful as she felt.  “And that is what lead you to believe I am your sister?”

            Nigel felt his face grow warm, understanding how farfetched his words seemed.  “I- I don’t know how to explain it,” he admitted, looking down for a moment.  “I just had this feeling.  Waylon also questioned my claim until he tried looking into where you’re from.”  He didn’t miss how everyone tensed at those words and again wondered just where she had been.  “When he found nothing besides a few rumors that you might have been from somewhere north, he too began to believe that you could be her.”  Shadow frowned at the mention of rumors.  How did Leliana miss those?  And just how far have those rumors spread?

            “Are you saying that you have no evidence to support your claim?” Cassandra asked with disbelief.

            Nigel ran a hand through his hair.  “Well, no we don’t.  We just have this…”

            The Seeker crossed her arms and arched a brow.  “Feeling?”  When Nigel nodded, her sigh betrayed her frustration.

            “There has never been any word that the Trevelyans had another daughter,” Cullen snapped.

            Anger sparked in the Templar’s eyes and his fists clenched at his sides.  “You can thank the Bann for that.  For _everything_ ,” he growled.

            “Explain,” Cullen ordered.  “Now!”

            “Please,” said Shadow.  Nigel stared at her for a moment before nodding.

            “Of course.”

***

_Twenty-seven years earlier_

            A boy of five years knelt on the large rug that covered the cold stone floor.  He hugged the large brown puppy he had been playing with, laughing when the Antivan Shepherd licked his face.  He glanced over at his mother, who was sitting in her rocking chair and singing softly while she knitted.  He loved listening to her sing, especially when she sang him to sleep.

            _Westering home and a song in the air_

_Light in the eye and its goodbye to care_

            The boy picked up a leather ball and tossed it across the large room, Wolf, chasing soon after it.  He giggled when the pup tripped over his large paws and scrambled back up before pausing before the bed in the room.  The ball had rolled beneath it and soon, Wolf had disappeared under the large frame as well.  The boy enjoyed spending his afternoons in his mother’s chambers, listening to her sing or while she talked to her handmaids while she worked on her knitting.  She used to also entertain the other Ladies in her rooms when they visited, but that hasn’t happened for a few weeks now.  When he had asked why, she said that it was normal for an expecting mother to not have many visitors during her final weeks.  “It’s supposed to keep me from tiring too early in the day,” she had explained.

            _Laughter and love are a welcoming there_

_Pride of my heart my own love_

            “Mother, what song are you sing?” the boy asked.  A triumphant yip came from under the bed.

            Olivia Trevelyan paused in her actions and smiled at her son.  “Westering Home.  Your Nan used to sing it often.”

            “What’s it about?” he asked.

            Something strange was in her eyes.  “Returning home.”  The boy thought she sounded sad but then got distracted by the return of his puppy.  He returned to his playing and Lady Trevelyan went back to her knitting, continuing to sing.

            After a few minutes, his attention was pulled from his play when his mother excitedly called, “Nigel!  Come, come.”  He looked up and saw she was waving him over.  He hurried to his feet and ran to her side.  She took his small hands into her own and placed them on her large belly.  “Feel,” she said.  His blue eyes widened when he felt movement beneath his hands.  He gasped and looked up at his mother.

            “Was that -”

            “Aye,” she answered with a nod, running a hand through his soft hair, black like her own. “Your sister is an impatient one.”

            Nigel rubbed his hand over his mother’s skin, searching for another sign of the babe’s movements.  “Marisa says you can’t tell if the baby is a girl or boy until its born,” he muttered, feeling a little frustrated at thinking about his annoying older sister.

            “A mother always knows,” his mother insisted.  “One day, she will learn this.”  Nigel giggled at the thought that his sister was wrong but then stopped and frowned at another thought.  “What is wrong?” he mother asked.  She glanced over to the hearth and saw that her son’s pup was asleep before it, before returning her attention to the troubled boy at her side.

            “But what if you are wrong and it is a boy?”  Nigel looked up at her, worry in his eyes.  “Will you be sad?”

            The lady smiled and shook her head.  “Never, my child.”  She placed her knitting aside and with careful, gentle movements, helped Nigel into the chair and he snuggled at her side.  “I could never be sad with any of my babies.  Girl or boy, I will love and cherish this child just as I’ve done with you all.”  She rubbed his back as he listened to her heartbeat, both of them rocking slowly and feeling the small kicks of the unborn child.

            Nigel thought about his father and cringed.  “The Bann isn’t happy,” he murmured.

            The lady closed her eyes at his words, but he saw a single tear escape down her cheek.  She spoke slowly, keeping her voice soft.  “That has nothing to do with this child, my dear.”  Nigel recognized her words as lies, having heard similar ones before, but even at his young age understood why she told them.  “Your father has many duties that leave him… stressed.  It is not easy being a Bann.”

            _Or his son_ , the boy thought.  “Waylon heard him say he didn’t want another brat,” he muttered, instantly regretting his words when he saw his mother’s sad expression.  He didn’t want to make her cry.  He didn’t want to make things sad.  He sat up and asked, “Will she become a Templar like me and Jasper one day will?”

            His mother smiled down at him and he returned it.  “If she wishes.  She may wish to be a Sister like your cousin, Felicity, or a Lord’s wife like your sister.”

            Nigel’s brow furrowed as he pouted.  “I hope not.”

            “And why is that, my little soldier?”

            “Because ever since Felicity and Marisa decided those things, they don’t play with me or Jasper anymore and act all better than us,” he complained.

            His mother chuckled.  “I’m sure you’ll have nothing to fear with this one.  I do believe she will have much of your Nan in her.  Also, she’ll be looking up to you.”

            Nigel’s eyes widened.  “Me?”

            “You are her older brother.  It’ll be your duty to look out for her.”

            “Really?” he breathed.  When she nodded, he quickly leapt from the chair and gathered his wooden sword, waking and exciting the pup.  He waved his sword in the air as Wolf danced about him.  “I will be the best protector and brother!  You’ll see!”

            The lady laughed.  “I do not doubt it for a second.”  She gasped and placed a hand to her belly.  “Oh.”

            Nigel stopped his actions.  “Mother?”

            “She _is_ quite the impatient one.”  She cringed again.  “Nigel, fetch Ivette.”  Another gasp.  “Quickly, my little soldier!”

            Nigel recognized the name of the midwife and ran out of the room.  _She’s coming, she’s coming_ , he wanted to shout but only his labored breath sounded.  The Bann didn’t like shouting unless it was from him.  He first check the midwife’s chambers but when he didn’t find her there, he ran for the kitchens.  Everyone always seemed to gather there at some point during the day.  When reached them, almost running into the head cook, he did indeed find the midwife there, having a cup of tea.

            “Master Nigel, I told you, no more biscuits today,” the head cook scolded, but the boy ignored her.

            “Ivette!”  He gasped for breath and the midwife looked to him calmly.  “Mother – ne – needs you.”  Once he said this, understanding filled the woman’s eyes and she began giving orders to those in the room with a sense of urgency.  While everyone else jumped to action, she quickly moved out of the room and Nigel began to follow her back to his mother’s chambers.  As they drew near, he could hear his mother’s handmaids giving words of encouragement and saw more guards standing outside his mother’s rooms.

            Ivette stopped for a moment and addressed one of the guards.  “Inform the Bann that his wife has gone into labor.”  To another.  “Gather the other children.  They should be here to welcome their new sibling.”  She moved to enter the chamber, but stopped when Nigel moved to follow.  “Stay here, little one.  And pray that both child and mother will be well.”  Nigel nodded and did as she said when the great door closed.  As he prayed he was aware of his brothers and sister joining him, Waylon and Marisa’s voices mingling with his while Jasper, too young to truly understand what was happening, grasped Waylon’s coat and stared at the closed doors.  Hours passed and more people, both servant and noble, joined in the waiting and listening to the Lady’s cries.  Eventually, the children stopped in their prayers and stood silently with their uncle, Byron, the Bann’s brother and a high ranking Templar.

            The Bann had yet to appear.

            Those waiting weren’t all silent.  Many whispered in disapproving tones on the Bann’s absence and concern for his laboring wife.  There were whispers about what the child’s fate would be, marriage or the Order.  One soldier made a comment loud enough for Nigel to hear but didn’t understand.  “Wonder if the Bann’s paranoia will be proven true with this one.”  Nigel felt his uncle tense and looked up, surprised to see the rage in the man’s eyes.  The soldier that had spoken saw the glare and muttered an apology and fell silent.

            The sounds of marching filled the air and everyone turned to see the Bann approaching with his guard and another man.  The Bann wore the colors of House Trevelyan, green and silver, his golden hair standing out against the dark colors.  Nigel instinctively stood straighter as his father approached.  He curiously looked at the man walked just behind him, head bowed, and was wearing strange robes.  When the Bann stopped before his brother and children, Nigel saw that the unknown man seem to be shivering and he wondered if he was cold.  It always seemed to get colder around the Bann.

            “Who’s that?” Nigel heard Jasper whisper.

            “A mage,” Waylon answered, his voice just as low and the tone angry.

            Nigel looked to him in confusion and leaned over to whisper, “But the Bann doesn’t like mages.”

            Marisa placed a hand to his shoulder.  “That is why he is here.”  She sounded scared and Nigel could feel her hand tremble on his shoulder.  Why was she terrified?  Why was this man, a mage, here?  Nigel started to ask, but stopped when Waylon gave him a warning look.

            His uncle stepped forward.  “Stefan no.  This is unnecessary.”

            Nigel cringed at the flash of anger in his father’s eyes and saw Marisa take Jasper into her arms when he whimpered.  It was never wise to anger the Bann.  “You dare order me in _my_ home, brother?” the Bann’s voice was as cool and smooth as the blade he always kept at his side.

            The Templar lowered his voice, although those near could still hear.  “She is your wife, brother.  She has been nothing but faithful.  Why must you do this at every birth?”

            The Bann laughed a cruel laugh, not caring who heard.  “Have you forgotten our father’s teachings?  Women stray and I cannot risk _magic_ tainting our bloodline.  Nor will I raise some bastard whelp as my own.”

            Nigel saw his uncle touch his sword’s hilt and thought he was going to draw.  And when his father’s guard tensed, he guessed they thought the same.  But his uncle only said, “You disgrace yourself.”

            The Bann growled, “And you forget your place, _little_ brother.”  Suddenly, the cry of a new born babe sounded from behind the closed doors and the Bann smiled.  “Excuse me Byron.  I must see to my wife and _child_.”  The Templar hesitated but eventually not only backed down, but stormed off.  The Bann glared at the servants and others standing around.  “The rest of you, return to your duties! NOW!”  As every quickly left he looked to his heir.  “I suspect you wish to wait?”  When Waylon gave a sharp nod, the Bann ordered him to keep an eye on “them” indicating his other children.  Then he and the mage disappeared into their mother’s chambers.  For a few minutes there was silence and Nigel was terrified of the silence, although he didn’t understand why.  Then, the shouting and crying started.

            Nigel could recognize the raging voice of the Bann and the pleading cries of his mother.  The baby was crying again as well.

            “Please – Stefan – please you have to believe me -”  Nigel couldn’t stand hearing his mother’s cries and tried to rush the doors but instead found himself struggling in his brother’s grip.

            “She needs help!” he cried.

            “And we can’t help her,” his brother said and Nigel fell limp at hearing the distress and truth in Waylon’s voice.

            “Silence woman!  I told you I would only take such an insult once!”

            “Please – no – just let me hold her -”  Then she fell silent and the baby followed soon after.  Then, the mage ran out, fear on his face and when he looked at the children, sympathy.  He ran off, one of the guards following.  The midwife entered the hall, tears on her cheeks.

            She approached the children.  “Waylon, take your brothers and sister to your rooms and await your father there.”

            Waylon released Nigel and stepped forward.  “I wish to see my mother.”

            “Please, child,” Ivette begged.  “Listen.  _For_ your mother.”  Waylon stared at her before turning and leading the others to their wing of the mansion.  They waited in his room, Waylon standing and staring at the door, Marisa trying not to cry while holding Jasper who couldn’t help but to, and Nigel praying like he had never prayed before.  Eventually, the door slammed open and they all jumped as the Bann entered.

            Nigel watched as his brother stepped forward and said coolly, “Father.”

            The Bann narrowed his eyes at his eldest son’s tone and Nigel let out a sigh of relief when he didn’t remark on it.  He really didn’t like it when the Bann yelled.  “The child is dead.”

            Marisa couldn’t hold back her tears anymore and when she let out a wail, Jasper did as well.  The Bann glanced at them with disgust.  Nigel’s voice shook as he asked in shock, “W-what?”

            The Bann glared at him and Nigel looked down.  “She was born too early,” the Bann said.  “Her lungs were too weak.  Your mother is resting and shall remain undisturbed until tomorrow morn.” With that he turned on his heel and left, slammed the door after him.  Waylon and Nigel stared after him while Marisa continued to cry.

            Nigel felt a tug on his shirt and looked to see Jasper staring up at him, his green eyes questioning.  “Can we see her now?” he whispered.  “Sissy?”

            Nigel didn’t know how to explain to his brother about death.  He was still a baby and Nigel barely understood it himself.  Waylon turned at the question.  “She’s not here Jasper.”

            “But I thought Mama was bringing her.”

            Waylon turned his head, but Nigel saw a few tears on his cheeks.  “She – she couldn’t make it.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            Waylon turned back and hugged his baby brother close, burying his face in his shoulder.  With a frustrated and broken voice, he said, “Neither do I, brother.”

***

_Present Day_

            Cullen watched as the Templar stopped speaking and closed his eyes, hiding the pain and sorrow in them.  The Commander was horrified by the tale the man had told.  He had heard stories of how the Bann Trevelyan was in public and rumors on his actions in his home, but Cullen would never have imagined it could be that bad.  Even in Kirkwall, with the corruption found in every home, there was never this level of abuse among the noble families.  To treat one’s wife and children – and to do that to an innocent and defenseless babe.  And he knew that there was more to come, that the Templar wasn’t finished sharing his story.  _Maker’s breath_.

            “The babe died.”  Cullen looked to Shadow at her neutral tone and felt a pain in his chest at the familiar mask.  He had hoped that he would never see it again, that she wouldn’t feel the need hide behind it.  Dread slowly creeped in as he tried desperately to find some hint as to what she was feeling and failed.

            Nigel shook his head.  “No, the Bann lied.”

            “What led you to that belief?” questioned Cassandra.  Her tone showed just how horrified she was as well, but there was still skepticism in her eyes.

            Nigel looked out the small window in his cell, but his eyes weren’t seeing the light but rather memories.  “Waylon had doubts from the start.  We all heard her- your- cries.”  He looked to Shadow.  “Your lungs were strong.  My brother attempted to learn what truly happened that night but,” he took a deep yet shaky breath, “our mother couldn’t speak of it.  And the midwife, she vanished a few days later and none of the servants would speak of what happened to her.  Certainly not to a boy of seven years.”

            “What of the mage?” Cassandra asked.

            “Tranquil and in Kirkwall.  I don’t know if he still lives.”  Cullen briefly closed his eyes at this news.  It was unlikely that the mage did.  Not many Tranquil survived the night the Chantry was destroyed.  He glanced at Shadow, who remained silent and that silence worried him.  He wished desperately that he knew what she was thinking, feeling.

            “Something must’ve happened though,” he said facing Nigel once more.  “In order for you to be sure she lived.”

            The Templar nodded, “Ten years after that night, our brother Jasper, over heard the head cook’s daughter asking her in the kitchen one night if ‘the lost daughter’ would ever return home.  When Jasper shared this with Waylon, my older brother went to the cook and demanded answers.  It took some time before she would willingly share what she knew.  She was understandably frightened.”

            Cassandra urged him to continue, “What did she tell you?”

            “That the Bann had had the mage run some sort of test on the newborn that day.  One to determine whether magic was in her blood or not.  Apparently, he’s had a similar test run on each of us when we were born.  Maker forbid if magic appeared in the Trevelyan bloodline,” Nigel growled this last line.  “It was also a test for our mother, to determine if the child was actually his.  That night, both she and the baby failed to pass.  He had our mother made barren and sold the babe.”

            Cassandra let out a small gasp of shock and Cullen took a step back.  “Why sell the babe?  Why not…”  He couldn’t finish the thought.

            So Shadow did for him, “Kill her?”  Her mask was still in place and her voice betrayed nothing of what she was feeling.

            “He owed someone money.  We never found out who, only that it was some smuggler who dealt in stole goods and -”

            “Slavery,” interrupted the Inquisitor.

            Nigel glanced at her, “Yes.  The Bann made the search for answers difficult by killing or hiding away any loose ends.  Such as Ivette.”

            “I am not a mage.”  Cullen winced as her tone continued to remain emotionless.

            “I know.  Neither was the babe.”

            Cullen looked at him in confusion, “But you said -”

            “Once we learned the truth and decided to try and find her, we went to our uncle for aid.  We knew we had to keep our search secret from the Bann but our uncle, he cares for our mother.  He was able to find the mage and though he was Tranquil, he was able to say that there was only a hint of magic in her blood, a slightly stronger connection to the Fade but not a strong enough one to make her a mage.”

            “And what of your mother?” sought the Seeker.

            Cullen was surprised that the Templar was still standing with all the pain that swirled in his eyes.  “We haven’t told her what we know.  She has believed for years that the babe died that night and while we knew different, we didn’t know if she still lived.  We didn’t want to give her hope only to take it back.  But we had to try.”  He smiled at Shadow.  “And now we’ve found you.”

            “No, you haven’t.”

            Nigel stumbled back at her cold words, confusion and desperation on his face.  “But -”

            The Inquisitor cut him off and stated with a note of finality, “I have no family.”

            Cassandra reached out to her friend, fearful of Shadow’s reaction, “Inquisitor -”

            Shadow stepped out of reach and fixed her hardened eyes on the Seeker.  “Release him.”  She turned back to the shocked Templar.  “Tell your brother that I am not who you think I am.  If you wish to stay with the Inquisition, you may.  But never speak of this again.”  She turned and started to make her way back out of the prison.  Cullen reached out and stopped her, terrified of what she was doing and what she meant to do.

            “Shadow, wait,” he pleaded.  “Perhaps -”

            He stopped when her eyes met his and he saw the hurt in them.  “No,” she whispered.  “I can’t let there be a ‘perhaps’.”  She escaped his hold and slipped into stealth, fleeing the prison as the Commander called after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcomed and encouraged *hides under bed* although sometimes feared.


	32. Thirty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While typing up this chapter, I realized it was getting much longer than I had thought it would be so I split it. I'm still typing up the second part (next chapter) but I should hopefully have it up within the next few days. Also, as a heads up, I will be spending my spring break in Italy and am not bringing my laptop. While I may spend some time planning/drafting future chapters, I won't be typing until after I come home.

            Cullen ran through the stone corridors, passing empty cells and startled guards.  A couple called out to him, worried about their Commander’s actions but he ignored them.  His thoughts were focused only on one thing; to catch _her_.  The logical part of his mind whispered that he wasn’t going to, that she was much faster and in stealth.  She named herself “Shadow” for Maker’s sake!  But these thoughts were drowned out by the irrational and much louder ones.  The ones that screamed that she was in danger.  When she had taken off, fear had gripped him tight and he had followed while the Seeker shouted after him.  He had tried calling after her, but there was no response and his fear grew.  He kept seeing images from that night in Haven when the snow had been stained with blood, pale shaky hands holding a blooded stone, and green eyes unseeing.

            He was only vaguely aware of returning to the front area of the prison where the Spymaster and the Ben-Hassrath were still waiting.  He ignored them as they voiced their questions, eyes focused on the open door she must’ve just exited through and intending to follow.  But before he could, something rather large stepped in his way.  The Commander glared up at the Qunari.

            “Out of my way,” he growled.

            The Iron Bull furrowed his brow at the violent tone.  “What’s happened?”

            Cullen attempted to pass the large warrior but was stopped by a hand to his shoulder.  He shook it off and shouted, his fear seeping through, “Let me pass!  I need to stop her!”

            Bull held both his hands up in a gesture of peace and glanced at the still open door, partial understanding dawning.  Something had happened and the Inquisitor hadn’t take it well.  Nor was the Commander but Bull needed answers.  “What has happened?”

            Cullen surged forward in another attempt to exit the prison, but this time Bull grabbed him and no amount of struggling could break him free of the Qunari’s strong grasp.  “Release me!” he ordered, in a near panic.  “There’s no tim-”

            “Commander!” shouted the Spymaster, planting herself in front of him.  “What happened down there?”

            _Why are they asking me these questions?  Don’t they understand that there isn’t much time?_   “I need to get to the Inquisitor!” he insisted.

            Leliana appeared confused.  “The Inquisitor?  But she hasn’t -”  She stopped when Bull motioned toward the door.  Understanding filled her mind, followed by a brief moment of embarrassment.  Then she refocused on the struggling Commander.  “Cullen, please.  Calm yourself and tell us what has happened.”

            “Why are you wasting time with these questions?” he snarled.  Did they not understand?  Were they not concerned?  They needed to stop the Inquisitor before she –

            “No danger.”  Cullen immediately stopped trying to escape the Qunari’s hold and the three of them looked to the spirit boy.  Cole stared intently at the Commander, pushing his point.  “No danger.”  Bull released the ex-Templar when he felt him relax – or rather become less tense – and let out a breath of intense relief.  Bull may not be able to trust the strange boy as the Inquisitor and the Commander did, but he appreciated the boy’s assistance.  Cole continued to speak, “She feels too much, too many.  Lashing out, not in.  No danger to herself.”  He flinched and frowned.  “But the desk isn’t safe.”  He winked out of sight, startling everyone.  Bull wrinkled his noise in distaste at the boy’s exist and wondered just what the Inquisitor was taking her emotions out on.  Which brought him back to wondering what happened down there.  Leliana narrowed her eyes at where the boy had been, a bit envious of his ability to vanish like that.  She had also begun to worry about the Inquisitor when the Commander wouldn’t calm but it appeared there was no immediate danger to her.  Which meant there were more pressing issues to be dealt with.  Cullen closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel that small sense of relief Cole’s words had brought.  She wasn’t a danger to herself.  _Thank the Maker_.  His worry and fear were still there, although not as strong as before.  Shadow was still hurting and he wanted to help her.  But he didn’t know how!

            He was brought from his thoughts when Leliana spoke, “What happened with the prisoner?”  Cullen noticed Bull glaring at the soldiers and he felt his face grow warm when he realized that these men had witnessed his emotional outburst.  _Once this reaches Varric and Dorian, I will never live this down._   He made to answer the Spymaster but was interrupted by another.

            “It would be best if we had this discussion in the war room.”  They all turned to witness the Seeker joining them, the Trevelyan Templar behind her.  Cullen met the man’s eyes and could see that he was suffering as well.  The Commander could sense the tension in the room increase with the man’s presence and gave a warning glare to his soldiers.  While a part of him still wished to rage against this man, he knew that it would be greatly misplaced.  The Templar was a victim of the Bann as well, and Cullen would save his wraith for _him_.

            Leliana glared at the freed man.  “What is the prisoner -”

            Cassandra halted the Spymaster’s words with her own.  “He is no longer a prisoner.  The Inquisitor has ordered his release and he has accepted her offer to remain with the Inquisition.”  She glanced at the man to confirm this, and Nigel nodded, determination now in his eyes.  The Seeker gestured to one of the soldiers.  “Escort him to the barracks and make sure all of his possessions, armor and weapons included, are returned to him.”

            “Inform Knight-Captain Rylen of the Inquisitor’s decision as well and that I will explain further later,” ordered Cullen.  He looked to Nigel.  “I recommend clean clothes, food, and rest.  You will be informed when you have been cleared for duty.”  The Trevelyan gave a sharp nodded before exiting the prison with a soldier.  Again, Leliana and Bull tried to demand answers but Cassandra stuck by her decision to wait until they reached the war room.  So the four of them began to make their way there, ignoring the questioning looks and whispers around them.  Cullen’s thoughts returned to Shadow.  Where had she gone?  How could he help her?  Would she let him?

            They all came to a halt when they found themselves being confronted by a dwarf and Tevinter mage in the main hall.  Solas was with them as well, but appeared less confrontational.  No one was fooled though.  The elf wanted answers just as much as everyone else.

            Dorian glared at Bull and demanded, “What happened?”  Bull arched a brow, but appeared amused.

            Varric looked to the Seeker for answers.  “Sneaky came tearing through here and she appeared upset.  Almost knocked me on my ass.”  He glanced at the Commander and the storyteller’s concern grew at the look in the man’s eyes.  Something bad happened.

            “The mark was showing signs of agitation as well,” Solas added, his face carefully blank.  “However, when I attempted to offer aid she didn’t appear to hear me and Cole instructed us to remain back.”  He looked toward the door that led to the Inquisitor’s quarters.  “She has locked herself in her room.”  Cullen followed the elf’s gaze and his brow furrowed further.

            “And all the kid would say was that her brother frightened her,” said Varric.

            “Which makes no sense as she doesn’t have a brother,” added Dorian.  He caught the look that passed between Cullen and Cassandra.  “Right?”

            The Seeker sighed in frustration.  She knew that sooner or later, the Inquisitor’s Inner Circle would need to know about this recent development, especially with the potential dangers connected to it.  But that didn’t mean she had to like it, she thought as she glanced at the dwarf, still upset with him.  “You three come with us,” she said, deciding to inform the others at another time rather than try and find them all now.  Before leaving the main hall, the Seeker stared at the door, for a moment, leading to the part of the fortress that housed the Inquisitor’s room and silently prayed for her friend.

            They enter the war room, Cassandra catching Josephine in her office and bringing her along.  Cullen followed blindly, his thoughts completely focused on his worry for the Inquisitor.  He was barely aware of the eight of them gathering in the war room and Cassandra informing the dwarf and two mages of the events leading up to today.

            Varric crossed his arms and raised a brow.  “Really?  The man writes a few letters and you throw him in a cell and interrogate him?”  He smirked, “You haven’t kicked that habit yet, Seeker?”  Cassandra glared at him, conveying her warning not to push her too far.  Not today.

            Leliana also narrowed her eyes, defensively, “There was just cause.”

            “What did he say to Shadow?” Dorian demanded, impatient and angry.  Someone had caused his friend pain and he wanted to know why!

            Cullen and Cassandra’s eyes met and the Commander spoke, “He claims to be her brother.”  The Ambassador let out a gasp, but otherwise there wasn’t an immediate reaction.

            And then there was.

            “Clearly he’s lying.”

            “That would explain a lot.”

            “Fasta vass!”

            “No wonder why Sneaky was upset.”

            “Could this be true?”

            Solas remained silent and observant, his face betraying nothing of what he was thinking.  Cassandra held up a hand, indicating that she wanted silence although she figured it was futile.  So no one was more surprised than her when the result she sought was immediate and she stood speechless for a moment before continuing.

            “The Trevelyan shared his tale and reasoning for his claim and I -”  She looked to the Commander who nodded and she continued, “We believe he believes this to be true.  However, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to determine if it truly is.”

            “Tell us everything,” Leliana said.  Cullen allowed Cassandra to repeat what the Trevelyan had said.  If he attempted to speak, he wasn’t sure he could keep his temper in check.  He saw the look of devastation on Josephine’s face and he almost allowed it to anyway.  He knew that she took the news of what happened to the Bann’s wife to heart, even though she had only met her a handful of times, because that is just the type of woman she was.  And he hated that this man’s actions had hurt yet another one of his friends.

            He was brought quickly out of his thoughts when he heard a snort of amusement and looked to the Tevinter mage with disbelief.  Dorian saw the Commander’s expression and explained, “What is truly ironic here is that magic already ‘taints’ the Trevelyan bloodline.  Has for centuries.”  Now everyone was staring at him with various degrees of surprise.

            Bull crossed his arms and looked down at the mage, “Explain.”

            Dorian gave a mocking gasp and looked up at the warrior with fake shock.  “You mean the Ben-Hassrath doesn’t already know?”  Bull narrowed his eye and gave a warning growl.  To Dorian, the air suddenly seemed too warm and he tried to cover his reaction to the Qunari’s tone by keeping his own light, although a blush had started to creep up his neck.  “Calm down, no need to be dramatic.  The Trevelyan bloodline can be traced back to Tevinter.  And a very specific prestigious house.”  He smiled and gave a bow.  “House Pavus.”  He shot a glare at the Spymaster as some pieces fell into place.  “I suspect you were already aware of this of course.”

            Leliana tilted her head.  “Of course.”

            _That explains the extra eyes on me just before Crestwood_ , the Tevinter thought.  “I’ll try not to take your suspicious nature too personally.”  Amusement appeared in the hooded woman’s eyes on response to his slightly bitter tone.

            “And you just happen to know this off the top of your head?” Cullen asked.

            “Not the top exactly.  Maybe the lower middle or thereabouts.”  Cullen rolled his eyes while Varric snorted.  “Bloodlines are serious business in Tevinter.  You’re taught lessons and tested… by strict nannies.  If you weren’t able to recite every name in the family tree,” Dorian gasped and laid a hand over his chest, “Shameful.”

            “Our hearts bleed for you,” Cassandra replied with a dry, sarcastic tone.

            Dorian shrugged, “It’s the least you could do.”

            “But wait,” spoke up the dwarf, “Sneaky isn’t a mage.  So how could this other mage have detected magic in her?”

            The Seeker seemed hesitant to speak on this subject.  “Some are initially born with a stronger connection to the Fade than others and it was believed once that this was a way to determine if a child was a mage or not.”

            “Imprisoning or slaughtering them before they could learn to defend themselves,” said the elven mage, his words as sharp as a blade.

            Cullen quickly cut in before the Seeker could retaliate.  This was an argument that could only end with blood.  As it had before.  “However, this was centuries ago and the practice died soon after it began.”  He gave both the Seeker and apostate warn glances and both took a figurative step back.  He continued to explain, thinking back on his lessons when he was still training in the Order.  “It was discovered that in many of the children as they grew, this connection would weaken to the point where it only served as a means to dream as it does for most in Thedas.”

            “Clearly the practice isn’t completely dead,” stated Bull.  Cullen clenched his fists as another wave of rage rolled through and he found himself wishing once again that the Bann stood before him now.  Bull took note of the rage the Commander couldn’t keep from his eyes and approved.  The man wouldn’t hesitate to do what would no doubt need to be done.

            “I’ve never heard of this practice,” said Josephine.

            Cassandra explained, “It’s been centuries since it was last… sanctioned.”

            “And the Chantry does have a tendency to hide its scandals,” added Dorian.  This time, it was the Spymaster who shot him a glare.

            “So that’s why Sneaky isn’t a mage,” said Varric.  “Because this connection weakened.”

            “No,” spoke up Solas.  “The Inquisitor is not a mage because the connection didn’t grow _stronger_.”

            Cullen latched onto the mage’s careful wording.  “What do you mean?”

            “Just as a rare few are born with a connection to the Fade that do not become mages, there are an even rarer few that never lose that particular connection.  The Inquisitor is no mage, true, but a small trace of magic still flows within her.”  The room once again descended into silence as everyone took in this information.  Cullen attempted to understand what this could mean.  Clearly, Shadow wasn’t a mage for she never portrayed any ability with magic and she didn’t cause the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end like they did when he was near any magic.  _Or rather they did, but it wasn’t due to any magic,_ he thought then mentally shook himself and tried to return to the situation at hand.  He couldn’t keep going there.  Just how many times did he need to tell himself that?

            “You’ve known this?”  Cullen was brought back from his thoughts by the Spymaster’s voice.

            Solas nodded.  “Of course.”  Dorian made a mocking face at the elf, which was ignored.

            “And you said nothing?” said Cassandra.

            Bull couldn’t help but chuckle.  “Seems to be a reoccurring theme.”

            Solas’s lip twitch.  “At the time I made this discovery, you were struggling with the decision on whether to kill her or not.  This information would’ve made that for you.”

            Cassandra paled and looked away.  She knew he was right.  If she had learned the Inquisitor had magic in her, she would’ve taken that as conformation that she was responsible for the destruction of the Conclave and in her rage, would’ve killed her then and there.  Cullen glanced at the Seeker, sharing her unspoken thoughts and the feelings that came with them.  Then he turned back to Solas, “You never told _her_.”

            Regret briefly swirled in the mage’s eyes before they were once again blank.  “No.  I was… unsure how she would respond.  I was concerned that with her dark history with magic, adding the knowledge that she herself has been drawing from her own small pool of magic would’ve been devastating.”

            Leliana questioned, “What do you mean she’s been drawing on her own magic?”

            Bull snapped his fingers.  “Her ability with stealth.”  Solas nodded.  “I knew she wasn’t using any enchanting powder.”  The lack of the smell stealth powder gave off when used had been bugging him for a while now and it was satisfying to finally have an answer.

            “Wait,” spoke up the dwarf, “she’s not?”  For as far back as Thedas’s written history went, rogues have made use of the enchanted powder called stealth powder in order to cloak themselves from sight.  While the name of the formula’s inventor had been long forgotten, alchemists have made much coin on creating and selling the powder whose effects could last for hours depending on the quality.  Many rogues could get by with just hiding in shadows but the powder was very useful when shadows were scarce or an immediate escape was essential.

            Solas raised a brow.  “You’ve never noticed?”

            “Do we sound like people who noticed?” asked Dorian.  “Why did she never say anything?  Surely she knew it wasn’t the norm?”

            Solas gave a slight shrug.  “I suspect the Grey Warden and the Magister that aided her in her escape from Tevinter may have encouraged her to keep it to herself.  Or perhaps she was led to believe it was normal by those that raised her in order to keep her safe from her Masters.”  No one took kindly to the reminder of the Inquisitor’s past, various levels of anger shown through body language.

            “So others may have such an ability,” the Spymaster asked with a great deal of interest in her voice, of which the elven mage distrusted.

            “It varies,” he answered carefully.  “Some have increased strength or speed.  Some experience an increase in their senses.  The Inquisitor is able to cloak herself without the assistance of enchanted powders.”  Much like Cole, Cullen realized.  He thought back on the many times he had witnessed Shadow slip in and out of stealth and realized that it had always been more like the boy’s ability rather than Varric’s or Sera’s.  Even though rogues can sneak the stuff on themselves, if he had paid closure attention, perhaps he would’ve realized that she never carried any on her nor requested more when she ran out.  He looked to Leliana, wondering how much of a hit her ego has taken knowing that this secret was kept from her.  Then he wondered how many others throughout Thedas were unaware that their “talents” in fact came from the Fade.

            After a few seconds of silence, the Ambassador spoke, seeing that this conversation had reached an end for now.  “I will need to discuss with the Inquisitor how we should proceed with the Trevelyans and -”

            “She wants nothing to do with them,” Cullen interrupted.

            “What?  But if they are her family -”

            “She refuses to accept them as such,” the Seeker said.  Varric’s brow furrowed as he went deep into thought.

            Josephine shook her head.  “Is that wise?  Lord Waylon Trevelyan is on his way here and when he hears what has occurred with his brother, he will not be pleased.  If she rejects him, the backlash on the Inquisition -”

            Cullen’s fist slammed on the table, effectively silencing the woman and startling many in the room.  He glared at Josephine.  “Our Inquisitor is suffering and all you can discuss is politics?” he said in a low tone.  Josephine couldn’t continue to meet his accusing glare and looked away.  “She has learned the identity of the man responsible for her _enslavement_ and you question her decision to not acknowledge him as her _father_?”

            Leliana placed a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder and tried to reason with the enraged man.  “You know that it is more complicated than that, Commander.  News of the Bann Trevelyan’s heir arriving here will spread quickly throughout Thedas as will the news of our imprisonment and release of his brother.  Speculation will arise and reach the Bann’s ear.”  She ignored the Commander’s growl at the mention of the hateful man and continued, “If we fight this, we risk _everything_ about her past being revealed.  But if we gain Lord Waylon’s alliance, we remain in control and the Inquisition and its Inquisitor remain _protected_.”

            Cullen glared at Leliana for a moment, wishing he didn’t see the truth in her words.  He glanced at Josephine and felt a stab of guilt at the unshed tears in her eyes.  He knew that she was just as worried for Shadow as he, that she was concerned for her friend and was dealing what she could do to help.  He shouldn’t have attacked it just because it wasn’t how he sought to protect.  Unable to trust himself to not make matters worse, he pushed himself away from the table and quickly left the war room.  His concern for Shadow and anger at the Bann initially fueled his steps but brought him to a halt within the Ambassador’s office when he realized he didn’t know what to do.  The two emotions demanded conflicting actions.  He couldn’t declare war on a man whose actions would be difficult if impossible to prove.  He thought about going to Shadow but felt it wasn’t his place, not when she had made it clear she wished to be left alone.  But he couldn’t just return to his office and duties as if nothing had occurred.  He gripped his hair with both hands in frustration.

            “Andraste help me, what do I do?”

            “I think it’s pretty obvious.”  Cullen turned to see that he had been followed by Dorian and Varric.  “Go to her,” continued the mage.  He smiled and waved a hand.  “I’ll be coming too of course, so don’t get too excited.”

            Cullen shook his head.  “She doesn’t want to see others.”

            “Sneaky still had this mentality that she can only deal with shit like this alone.  It’s up to use to show her that she doesn’t.”  Varric gave him a knowing look.  “Something you’ve already done a time or two I believe.”  Cullen’s memory took him back to Haven and the few times here in Skyhold when he insisted she share her burdens.  Just as she insisted of him.  This may not have been the type of burden Cullen had made her promise to come to him with, but he knew that even at the time of the promise he wanted to help ease all her troubles.  He nodded at the dwarf’s words.

            “And just how do you propose we deal with the guard at her door?” asked Dorian, speaking of Cole.

            “The kid just wants to help and when he sees we do too, he’ll let us in.  Especially with Curly here.”

            The Commander felt confusion at the dwarf’s words.  “Why especially with me?”  Cullen was sure that if anyone’s presence held more worth, it would be Dorian as he and Shadow have come quite close since discovering Skyhold.  He tried to ignore the feeling of jealousy that came with the thought.

            Dorian rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration.  “No wonder why you two haven’t made any progress.  Commander, it is painfully, and I mean _painfully_ obvious that you and our wonderful Inquisitor are infatuated with each other.”

            While Cullen turned a deep shade of red and struggled with his words, Varric gave the mage a look.  “Subtly isn’t your thing, is it Sparkler?”

            “Are you saying you weren’t exhausted with the sloth like nature of these two?”

            “No, but I believe in a time and place, and this probably wasn’t the best of either.”

            While they had this exchange, the Commander had been fighting out of the state of shock Dorian’s statement had placed him in and the panic that came at realizing that somehow others knew of his personal thoughts in regards to the Inquisitor.  Wishing to deny and keep his personal feelings to himself, he stated, “I don’t know what you are trying to insinuate, Dorian, but Varric is right.  This isn’t the time and place for this kind of talk.”  With that he turned and started to make his way toward the Inquisitor’s room.

            “I think you know exactly what I was ‘insinuating’ Commander, but we’ll let it go for now,” Dorian said as he followed, amused by the man’s reaction.  He whispered to the dwarf as they made their way through the great hall, “Perhaps I can finally win a game of chess against him with this form of distraction.” Varric just shook his head and smiled.

            When they reached the door that led to the part of the fortress housing the rooms belonging to the Ambassador, Spymaster, and Inquisitor, along with a few guests, they were surprised to find it now unlock.  “Maybe the kid realized that other people do need to get to their rooms,” suggested Varric.  They walked through and walked down the halls and climbed the many stairs that brought them to the Inquisitor’s door.  As they approached, the door opened and Cole stood waiting for them.  The spirit boy gave a sad smile and his eyes held worry.

            “You help?”  Cullen nodded.  “Good.  The bottles aren’t helping like they should.”  He turned and quickly made his way up the stairs just past the door and the others followed.  Some pieces of broken glass littered the stairs and the steps were wet with some unknown liquid.  Dorian made a series of disgusted sounds and Cullen grew more concerned at seeing the mess.  However, once they reached the top of the stairs and saw the rest of Shadow’s quarters, they saw that the mess on the stairs was nothing compared to what laid before their eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos convey love. :P


	33. Thirty - Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES! I got this done within the time period I told myself I would! Now you guys won't have to wait until after I get back from my trip to read the next chapter.
> 
> As you've probably noticed, the last couple of chapters and this one are not from Shadow's POV. The reason for that is I wasn't confident enough to write from her POV. I didn't have the confidence to describe the emotional state she was in as she saw and felt it. Not that I'm all that confident I was able to describe it well from others POVs but I couldn't just skip these chapters. They're pretty important. But I think I've done an okay job making clear what's occurred and how everyone feels so now I can plot out the next few chapters. But if there are any questions, please leave a comment and I'll answer what I can (without giving away plot).

            “Remind me to never let her near my room when she’s upset,” said Dorian as the three men took in the Inquisitor’s room.  “Although, I have caused similar levels of destruction myself after a good party.”

            “Looks like Sneaky finally opened that liquor cabinet,” added Varric.

            It almost appeared as if a storm had raged in the Inquisitor’s room, and perhaps in a sense one had.  Broken bottles littered the floor, their liquid soaking into the wood around them, explaining the mess on the stairs.  Cullen took note that there wasn’t nearly as much of the liquid as the bottles would indicate, leading him to the conclusion that some must have been consumed.  Pillows and sheets had been ripped from the bed and flung around the room.  Although the bedding appeared relatively tear free, they were soaked in alcohol.  The tops of the dressers and desk had been cleared off, the items found throughout the room and Cullen gently pried one of Shadow’s daggers from the desk.  He noted a few others either embedded in various pieces of furniture, as if they had been thrown with deadly intent.  The closet was empty and some clothes had been tossed to the ground, ruined by the mess on the floor.  Cullen stopped and stared at the bookshelves behind the desk.

            “She didn’t touch them,” he whispered.  As if a protective barrier had been cast over them, the shelves were unmarked and the books in perfect condition.  As if the storm had passed over them.

            “They are you and she is not angry at you,” said Cole.  He looked around them room.  “These were too noble.  Like them.”

            “Where is she kid?” Varric asked.  Cole looked to the balcony that overlooked the room and everyone’s eyes followed.  Then, the telltale sound of glass clinking against glass reached their ears.  Cullen quickly made his way across the room, tossing the dagger onto the bed as he passed.  He tightly gripped the ladder rungs and climbed.  When he was able to peer over the top, he felt his heart twist in pain at the sight of the woman he cared for.

            Shadow sat huddled in a corner of the balcony, her knees against her chest and her left arm wrapped around them with a bottle in its hand.  Her other arm was trapped between her knees and chest.  Cullen noticed a green light flicker, refracting off the bottle in her hand.  The mark was agitated as Solas had said but there wasn’t a reaction from the Inquisitor.  He wished he could assume that it was because she was used to it, although that pained him to think of it hurting her that often.  However, based on the number of empty bottles, he had a feeling there was another reason.  She still wore her leather armor but she had removed her gloves and boots.  Her hair was a mess, her face was wet with tears, and her eyes stared blankly before her.  Cullen pulled himself the rest of the way up the ladder and the creak of the wood seemed to snap Shadow out of whatever thoughts she had been trapped in.

            She looked over and stared at him a moment, surprise and then embarrassment showing on her face.  With a moan, she set down the bottle and put her face in her hands.  “I told Cole no,” she mumbled.

            Cullen slowly made his way over to her, stopping just within arm’s reach of her and crouching down as best as his armor allowed.  He glanced back as Dorian and Varric reached the top, signaling them to remain back.  He turned back to Shadow and looked her over more closely, checking for injuries.  Her sling was gone and there were some rips in her leather armor, but none appeared to have led to injuries.  He saw that her feet were cut and had to hold himself back from tending to them there and then.  He wasn’t sure if she was ready for another’s touch and he had a feeling the puddle of alcohol they sat in was cleaning them just fine.  He couldn’t see any other injuries but his eyes kept straying to her right arm.

            “Is your arm…” he paused as she peeked at him, cautiously.  “Does your arm hurt?” he asked, keeping his voice low.

            Shadow started to shake her head, but stopped when she glanced down at said arm in surprise.  “Oh,” she said.  “Where’s the sling?”  Dorian let out a soft chuckle at her almost child-like confusion.  She moved as if to stand and Cullen started to reach out to help her but eased back when she hissed in pain and sat back down.  “Ouch,” she muttered, glaring at the offending arm.  She settled back to her previous position and answers the question, “It hurts.  Solas won’t be happy.”  She frowned at this admission as did Cullen, although his thoughts were on any other injuries she might have.

            “They weren’t needed,” Cole answered for her.  “Not with this.”

            Shadow glared at the boy in the floppy hat and angrily pointed a finger at him.  “I told you no.”

            “They can help.”  Shadow let out a disbelieving snort and took a drink from the bottle she held.  Cullen narrowed his eyes at the action.  He couldn’t remember ever seeing her drink before.

            Apparently, Dorian was thinking the same thing.  “I do not believe I’ve ever seen you drink before.  Today is just full of surprises.”

            A small smile appeared on the rogue’s face before she became somber again.  “I don’t normally like to.”  She stared at the bottle and grimaced.  “Makes me numb.  Hazy.”  Free fingers touched a leather sleeve.  “Doubtful.”

            Cullen spoke softly, “Then why now?”

            “Because there’s too much!”  Shadow jumped to her feet, Cullen soon following, prepared to catch her if she fell.  She stumbled but caught herself with a hand against the wall.  Cullen took a step back when she lashed out again.  “I just want it all to go away!”  She threw the bottle off the balcony and soon the sound of shattering glass on the floor below followed.  Along with the sound of a mage in pain.  “But it’s not working,” she continued, her voice breaking as a sob broke free.  She buried her face in her hands again.  “I just want it to go away,” came her muffled words.  Her body swayed before her legs could no longer hold her.

            Cullen rushed forward without a thought, catching her before she hit the ground or wall.  Just as he did on another night in Haven, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, ignoring her weak attempts to push away.  Soon, those attempts reversed and she clung to him, grasping the fur on his cloak and sobbing into the fabric.  Minutes passed as only the sounds of her weeping filled the air and his heart broke with each sob.  Dorian, Varric and Cole remained back, allowing the Commander and Inquisitor as much privacy as they could.

            Eventually, words found their way back amongst the flow of tears.  “I don’t want them.  I don’t want _them_.”

            Cullen wasn’t sure if she spoke of the Trevelyans or the multitude of emotions she was suffering from.  Perhaps she meant both.  His hold tighten briefly as his anger and desire to protect grew again.  But he caught and forced himself to relax.  None of his wishes held importance here and now.  Except the one to help _her_.

            _Hang the Game_ , he thought.  “Then you won’t have them.”  He spoke of the Trevelyans.

            “Besides,” spoke the mage.  “I’m not sure I want to share.”  A giggle escaped Shadow, surprising the others and providing the sign that they were indeed helping as well as one of how the alcohol was affecting her.  Another few minutes passed in silence as Cullen continued to hold a calming Shadow.

            He felt her pull back and this time, he allowed her to do so.  He moved back himself and as she stood, he followed.  He glanced over to the others while Shadow peered over the balcony rail and he blushed at seeing the knowing smirk shared by the dwarf and mage.  He just knew that Dorian would pounce on this the first chance he got.  _I’ll just need to make sure he doesn’t catch me alone_ , he initially thought but then realized that the mage wouldn’t hesitate to approach the subject in public and the Commander mentally cursed.

            “Josephine is going to be mad.”  He turned at her voice and saw that she was staring sadly down at the mess.  He felt panicked when her eyes began to tear up again.  What should he do now     ?

            Thank the Maker the dwarf seemed to know.  “Curly and Sparkler will take care of it,” Varric said, moving to her side as she turned toward him.

            Dorian looked to him in surprise.  “We will?”

            Cullen’s brow furrowed in hesitation.  “I don’t think -”

            “I’ll stay with her Curly,” Varric assured the ex-Templar.  “I know a thing or two about dysfunctional families.”  Cullen glanced at Shadow for a moment, seemingly still hesitant to leave her but nodded in silent agreement with the storyteller.  He collected the remaining bottles, both empty and unopened, and made his way to the ladder.  When he noticed that Dorian hadn’t moved as well, he placed the bottles in a crate by the ladder and herded the mage away from the others.

            “Wait,” Dorian protested.  “You don’t get more dysfunctional than my family.  I think I’m the most qualified one here!”  Cullen just rolled his eyes and continued to drag him.  “And I don’t really clean – ah!”  The mage cried out when the Commander gave him a push and there was no longer a floor beneath his feet.  Dorian instinctively conjured a barrier to cushion his landing, although it still took him a moment to breathe normal again.  Once he could, he shouted at the man who was climbing down the ladder, “Kaffas!  You could’ve killed me!”

            “My luck’s not that good,” the man muttered.

            Back up on the balcony, Varric turned from what he just witnessed to look at the Inquisitor and was pleased to see a smile on her face.  He watched as she swayed slightly and her marked hand steady her against the railing.  “Come on, Sneaky.  Let’s sit before you fall.”  Stumbling, she followed him into a sitting position and leaned against the wall.  “Remind me to make sure Ruffles doesn’t restock that cabinet completely,” he said.  “Probably should’ve figured you’d be quite the light weight.”

            Shadow shrugged.  “I don’t drink often.”

            “And when you do, you don’t hold back.”  He glanced down between the railing when he heard something and saw Cullen, Cole, and Dorian cleaning the room, starting with the sheets and broken glass.  Or rather, the Commander and kid were cleaning while the mage was complaining about the ruined fabric.  Chuckling, he turned back to Shadow.  “I think you could give Tiny a run for his coin.”  Her smile showed itself again.  The storyteller stared at her with gentle understanding.  “I have to say, the hurricane that went through your room came as quite the surprise.  Didn’t think that when you’d let go, it would be that… explosive.”

            Shadow took a deep breath and slowly let it out.  “It’s not my… usual method of dealing with things.”  She spoke hesitantly, “I rarely… feel so much at once and as strong.  And when I do, I’m not sure how to deal with…”  She waved her hands about her head, flinching slightly when the movement caused a sharp pain in her right arm.  “Any of it.”  She sighed.  “Not feeling anything, I know how to deal with that.  But feeling everything…”

            When she didn’t continue, Varric leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.  “I don’t think there’s anyone alive who knows how to deal with any of that, Sneaky.  Emotions are messy and the negative ones have a habit of overwhelming us at the shittiest of times.”  He paused before asking, “So this has happened before?”  He indicated the room.

            It took Shadow so long to speak again that the dwarf began to wonder if perhaps he pushed too soon.  “Back before I escaped the Imperium but was no longer with… _them_ , I experienced a similar explosion.  It was about a week after Duncan rescued me and I was healthy enough to roam the Magister’s home.  I overheard him and Duncan talking about _them_ and I just felt this anger surge through me and I also felt this fear that wasn’t like what I’ve felt before.  Both just took over my mind and I started screaming and throwing anything I got my hands on.”  A few tears escaped her eyes.  “I even hurt him, the Magister that had helped me.  I threw some decorative vase at him and shouted horrible things at him.  Duncan had to restrain me and the Magister placed some sleeping spell on me.”  She smiled, wiping at her eyes.  “When I came to, I thought for sure I would be punished for what I had done but Jayke said that he was grateful.  He hated the vase and was happy to be rid of it.”

            Varric noticed the slip of the Magister’s name and wondered if she had. When she didn’t comment further, he assumed not and made the decision not to mention it.  To anyone.  Who was he to say what secrets should be shared and kept?  “Sounds like another Vint I could like.”  Shadow made a sound of agreement and they sat in silence for a moment.  Then the dwarf said, “You know Sneaky, no one is going to make you do something you don’t want to do.”  She looked at him with confusion.  “There will no doubt be suggestions, some stronger than others, but in the end, it will be your decision whether you acknowledge these people as family.”

            “I don’t want to,” Shadow murmured.

            Varric shrugged.  “Then you don’t.  They might be stubborn about it, but since there’s no way to even tell if it’s true -”

            “It is.”

            Now it was Varric’s turn to feel confusion.  The Seeker had made it seem that there wasn’t any proof and based on what he had heard, he would have to agree.  But he saw the conviction on the Inquisitor’s face and asked, “How do you know?”

            “The song,” she whispered.  “The Templar mentioned that his mother used to sing this song and I…”  She closed her eyes and softly sang;

_“Westering home and a song in the air_

_Light in the eye and its goodbye to care_.”

            She trailed off and even though she had only sung those two lines, Varric couldn’t help but stare.  “You got quite the voice there Sneaky.   What song was that?”

            “I didn’t know until today.”  She opened her eyes and looked at him.  “I remember singing it as a child when I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble but I never knew where I had heard it.  I asked the elven woman that raised me, but she had said it was a shemlen song, so she didn’t recognize it.”  Shadow stared ahead, “I haven’t thought of that song for years, but when that Templar spoke those lines within his tale, it flooded my mind and I knew that what he said was true.  Even if there is no other proof, that song… what other explanation is there?”

            “So what are you going to do?”

            “I don’t know!”  She hid her face in her hands.  “I don’t want them!”

            “Why?”

            She grew still and slowly looked at him.  “It’s all tangled.”

            “Then let’s untangle it.  What are you feeling when you think about them?”

            She thought a moment before answering slowly, “Sorrow.  Anger.  Fear.”

            “Why fear?”

            Shadow thought it over, her green eyes dancing about the balcony.  “I’ve been alone for a long time now and you are aware of how unexperienced I am with people.  I know I’ve come a long way since we first met, learning to let people in and making more friends than I thought I ever would.”  She smiled briefly at that last part.  “But I thought I had given up hope a long time ago on ever having a family but learning that I do, it terrifies me.  I don’t know what to do with a family, Varric.  How am I supposed to act?  Who am I supposed to be?”

            Varric had to struggle to hold back a chuckle.  “There isn’t a manual Sneaky.  You just be yourself.”

            “Varric, I was a slave for the first half of my life and… well basically an outcast for the latter half.  I’m marked, in more ways than just this.”  She held up the hand with the anchor and then touched her sleeves.  She whispered sadly.  “One of these Trevelyan already hates me.  Once the others find out about who I was – am – what if they want nothing to do with me too?”  More tears fell.  “What if I’m just too broken for a family?”

            “Hey, look at me Sneaky.”  When she didn’t, he stood up and placed a hand to her shoulder.  “Shadow.”  She turned at that and her eyes met his.  He smiled.  “Then they would be the biggest idiots in all of Thedas.  And I’ve met some doozies, my brother included.”  His expression softened further.  “There’s no such thing as the perfect family and learning how to deal with one, well it can seem like an uphill battle.  Yeah, you kind of got the short end of the stick with the Bann that makes all other nobles look like saints for a father, but the rest of the family sound like good people.  Sneaky, they’ve been searching for you for _years_.  Does that sound like a family that would turn you away because you have a dark past?  Because you have these?”  He placed a hand on her arm.  “You deserve to have a family, Sneaky.  Don’t let your fear keep you from regaining what is rightfully yours.”

            Shadow smiled but still seemed unsure.  Varric knew that this wasn’t going to be something she figured out in one day but he would like to believe that she was no longer drowning like she had been earlier.  To lighten things a little and let her know that there was no pressure from him on this (he wasn’t sure himself where he stood), he said, “Also, if you think about it, we are all like a family.  Possibly an even more dysfunctional one.  Take Seeker.  She’s like the old hag that is always telling you what to do and showing her displeasure when you don’t.”

            Shadow chuckled.  “What’s that make you?”

            “Why the wise old man of course.”

            “Neither of you are that old.”

            “There are different ways to age, Sneaky.”

            Silence falls amongst them again, this one a friendlier one than before.  They listened to Dorian’s complaining – “Orlesian silk! Ruined!” – and both chuckled when they heard the tell-tale sound of a slap and the immediate silence of the Tevinter mage.  At one point, Cole appeared and sat on the other side of Shadow, leaning against her and playing with his puzzle cube.

            The comforting silence was broken when the boy spoke.  “Varric has a question.”  Shadow looked to Varric but the dwarf had a look of confusion on his face.  “About vanishing,” Cole clarified.

            “Oh, right.  Thanks kid.”  Cole nodded and Varric asked Shadow, “Solas told us about your vanishing talent.  How come you never told us that you weren’t using powder like the rest of us?” 

            Shadow’s eyes widened with understanding.  “Habit.  It never even crossed my mind to say anything.”

            Remembering Solas’ explanation, Varric asked, “So you know that…”

            Shadow smirked, “That I’m able to ‘vanish’ due to a slightly stronger connection to the Fade than a normal person but weaker than a mage?  Yes.  The Magister that helped me informed me.  Those that raised me taught me to keep it hidden, that it wasn’t normal.  But it was him and Duncan that taught me how to use it in plain sight without revealing the… abnormality of my ability.”  She moved her hand to and from her belt as if she was pinching something and throwing it, soon after slipping into stealth and slipping back out.  She looked at Varric from the corner of her eye and he was surprised to see guilt in them.  “I’m sorry I never said anything.”

            He waved a hand.  “Like you said, it became habit.  And with the mage-templar war going on, it probably wasn’t the best time to reveal that abilities such as your own are possible.  People had a hard time accepting your innocence and that mark on your hand, there’s no telling what could’ve happened if they knew you could vanish like Cole here.”

            “But she’s not like me,” protested Cole.  “She’s a person.”

            “So are you kid,” Varric said.  “But I just meant the whole connection to the Fade thing.”

            Cole nodded and then stated, “They’re done.”  He pointed down when Shadow and Varric looked at him with questioning looks.

            Varric stood up.  “Let’s go Sneaky.”  When Shadow hesitated, he said, “Trust me when I say that you’re going to regret all of that alcohol when you sober up completely.  Cleaning you up and getting some water and sleep in you will make it less torturous.  Besides,” he leaned down and whispered, “I’m sure it’ll make Curly feel much better seeing you come down from here.”  He smiled when she blushed and nodded.  With his and Cole’s aid, she was able to make her way down the ladder, still stumbling a little.

            Cullen looked up from the bed, newly made with the spare sheets he had found in another closet, and started when he saw Shadow slowly making her way into the rest of the room.  She was looking around, surprise on her face.  He smiled at her expression, feeling a small sense of pride at knowing just how much of a change they had made in the cleanup of the room.  The soaked and dirty bedding and clothes would need to be taken to be washed and the broken bottles would need to be properly disposed of.  But her weapons were properly put away and her desk reorganized.  Josephine might decide to replace the furniture that had had daggers in them, but he would leave that up to her.  He cautiously stepped forward.

            “You look well.”  Shadow looked to him and he watched as her face turned red.

            “Thank you,” she replied with a smile.

            “I was wondering if you were going to stay up there,” spoke Dorian before waving his hand at the clean bed.  “Which would’ve made all my effort on making this bed wasteful and we just can’t have that.”  Cullen rolled his eyes, bringing forth a larger smile from the Inquisitor.  Dorian smiled at his friend and gently took her right arm.  “Sorry,” he murmured when she cringed slightly.  His hand started to give off a gentle green glow as he performed what small amount of healing magic he knew.  She sighed with relief when the magic eased the pain and redid Solas’ earlier work.  “Found this while we were cleaning.”  Dorian held out her sling and helped put it back on.  Once she was settled, he gently asked, “Would it be completely ridiculous to ask how you’re doing?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “I’m feeling a little better.”

            “Good.”  Dorian gave her a hug, doing so as tightly as he could without harming her arm.  “Don’t do it again.  At least not without me.”

            “I promise,” she swore to him, but her eyes were on Cullen.  The Commander gave her a small nod.

            They all jumped slightly at hearing the door to her room open and close, followed by multiple footsteps coming up the stairs.  They all tensed up but then relaxed when they heard, “Where’s everyone’s breeches?”  Soon after, a head of messy blonde hair peeked over the railing and Sera groaned with displeasure.  “On. Damn.”

            Dorian raised a brow.  “I wasn’t aware that that was an expectation.”  He grinned wickedly at the Commander.  “Would you like to go first?”  Cullen glared at the mage.

            “Ew gross!” stated Sera as she jumped up over the railing and Josephine and Cassandra walked the rest of the way up the stairs.  “You keep your bits hidden.  I meant her bits.”  She pointed at Shadow whose blush deepened.  Cassandra slapped the elf upside the head.  “Ow!”

            “What brings you hear Seeker?” asked Varric.

            Cassandra nodded her head at Cole.  “He asked us to come.”  Her gaze softened upon seeing Shadow.  “How are you?”

            Shadow looked down.  “I may have made a few unwise decisions.”

            “But like I told Sneaky, nothing a bath, water, and a good night’s sleep won’t cure,” added Varric.

            Josephine noted the changed sheets and tried not to wince at seeing the pile of ruined fabric as she placed down the tray she had brought with her.  She would have to have them replaced later.

            “Why did Cole ask you to come?” Cullen asked.

            “To help,” answered Cole himself.  He pointed first at Cassandra, then Josephine.  “Grief.  Tea.”  Cassandra had flinched when he said grief.

            “Then why is she here?” Dorian asked, referring to the elf currently hanging upside down from the railing.  “What use could she be here?”

            While Sera showed her anger at his words with some of her own, Cole explained, “She has cookies.”

            Josephine clapped her hands.  “Alright, everyone who is not a woman, leave.”  When Cullen made to protest, Josephine shushed him and laid a hand on his arm.  “You’ve done what you can.  Let us help now.”  Cullen looked to Shadow as Cassandra began to herd her to the bath, Sera following and making raspberry noises at Dorian.  He nodded.

            “You’ll make sure she gets some sleep.”

            Josephine smiled.  “Don’t worry Commander.  She is safe with us.”

            He gave a sharp nodded before leaving, Varric and Dorian herding Cole behind him.  He knew she would be safe tonight.  But if he was going to ensure her safety in the future, then he had some work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned, I will be going on a trip for the next couple of weeks (ITALY WOO WOO) and I won't being bringing my laptop. I'll still write, but I'll be more focused on my Mel Trevelyan story. However I do plan to plot out the next chapter or so of Shadow's, so I won't be completely putting her aside.
> 
> I'm also a little curious as to what you guys suggest should happen to the Bann Trevelyan. I have some ideas, but I would love to hear what my awesome readers think too. :)
> 
> See you all when I get back! :D


	34. Thirty - Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for how long this took. As I said with the last update, I went to Italy for spring break (which was awesome btw - wishing I was still there) but then about two days after, got hit with the flu! By the time I got over that, it was the last full month of the semester which meant every major paper and project was coming due. And I was also getting very easily distracted with other people's fanfics.... But I finally finished it and now here it is! Enjoy! :D

            Shadow was slow to waking, as every time she started to a pounding in her head arose as well, chasing her back into a dreamless sleep.  But eventually, she couldn’t sleep anymore and groaning, opened her eyes.  She was greeted with a darkened room and she was never so grateful for darkness, as the pain in her head was bad enough without adding the wretched sun.  Shadow noted that other than her head, only her recently injured arm felt sore.  A memory of her tossing aside the sling and throwing one of her daggers in anger filled her mind and she winced when the reminder of how much her arm had protested the action.  As if a dam had burst, the memories of what took place before her sleep came flooding in and she sighed heavily, shame growing from those memories.

            She shouldn’t have lost control as she did.  She should never have thrown the first dagger upon entering her room.  She should never have opened that first bottle.  This time she had been able to seclude herself away before she could strike out against those that didn’t deserve it but she still had sought to break something in her anger and the room Josephine had spent who knows how much time and coin on had suffered.  And then it had been others who had cleaned up after her, tending to her as if she were a child needing to be consoled instead of punished.

            **_Certainly not the actions of a true Herald of Andraste or leader of the Inquisition.  More like those Magisters you claim to be better than.  Or even the Bann Trevelyan.  His blood truly flows through you, tainting your soul._**

            The dark thoughts influenced Shadow, although not in perhaps the intended way.  She thought back to the Templar, Nigel Trevelyan.  _My brother_ , she thought.  She allowed his tale to retell itself in her memory, thinking about her _mother_ and _siblings_ , hardly believing she could even make such a claim.  Then she was struck by a realization that had she been standing, she surely would’ve stumbled.  She wasn’t filled with anger at remembering the Templar’s words.  She wasn’t filled with a desire to reject the truth.  Instead she felt a want she hadn’t thought of in so long, one she had kept locked away and had almost convinced herself didn’t exist any longer.  Just as she had told Cullen during their game of chess. 

Her thoughts stuttered to a stop on him.  Did he now regret his decision to make her Inquisitor?  Was he disappointed in her actions?  She remembered his amber eyes, softened by concern, his gentle touch as he asked if she was okay, his smile when she had finally come down from the loft.  There had been no judgement in any of those – **_But you’ve deceived yourself before, locking away what you are too weak to handle, what even the pain you crave cannot help you overcome._**

Shadow tensed when the sound of her chamber’s door opening and closing echoed up the stairs, soon followed by footsteps.  She slowly rolled onto her side, ignoring her aching head as she slipped her hand under her pillow.  She frozen when she didn’t find the dagger she sought and mentally cursed at her stupidity.  Of course, she must’ve thrown that one too.  She trained her eyes on the stairs, listening to the footsteps climb closer.  Then she saw who appeared over the railing and relaxed again.

Josephine smiled when she saw the Inquisitor’s opened eyes, noting that the anchor was giving off a low green glow.  “You are awake.  Good.”  She quickly moved to Shadow’s bedside, placing the tray she carried on a table and helped the groaning woman sit up against the headboard.  She then picked up a small cup and offered it.  Shadow took it with a questioning look.  “It’s a potion Solas made,” the Ambassador explained.  “It’s supposed to help with the head pains.”  Shadow suspiciously studied the dark drink before taking a sip. 

She grimaced.  “Tastes foul.”

Josephine chuckled.  “Yes well, you must drink it all in order for it to work properly.”  Shadow mumbled something before doing so, cringing at the taste. As she drank, Josephine walked over to the curtains covering one of the large set of doors and windows leading out to a balcony.  “Solas has instructed me to insure you eat all of your breakfast.  There’s much that needs your attention today, Inquisitor, and you’ll need your strength.”

Shadow finished the potion and let out a groan, not from the now receding headache but from the Ambassador’s words.  “Josie.”

“I’m sure you wish to remain in bed but,” she whipped the curtains open and secured them, letting sunlight flood the room and earning a string of curses from Shadow, “you’ve already slept for an entire day and we can’t afford to let things pile up further.”

“Wait, an entire day?”  Josephine nodded while she continued onto the other curtains.  “I didn’t dream,” Shadow murmured.

Josephine turned back as she secured the last curtains.  “Many of us were concerned when you slept so long, but Solas checked on you a couple of times and said rest was all you needed.”  As she moved back to the bed, Shadow wondered if the dreamless sleep was due to Solas’s checkups.  “Now it is food and exercise you need.  And trust me, there is plenty of work to do to cover the exercise.”  Shadow slowly ate her breakfast as she listened to Josephine list off the number of nobles and merchants she needed to meet with and correspondences she needed to reply to.  Her thoughts soon strayed, thinking back to how the woman before her had helped her once the men had left.  She couldn’t remember word for word what was said, but she along with the Seeker and even Sera had provided comforting words and shared stories until she fell asleep.  She felt the urge to apologize but knew that Josephine wouldn’t allow her to give one.  Then she began to think about what she needed to do about the situation the Templar’s revelation had caused.

“What should I do?” she asked.

Josephine looked at her with gentle understanding.  “You speak of the Trevelyans.”  When Shadow nodded, she hesitated, thinking of Cullen’s words from before.  “I’m not sure -”

“Josie.  I’m asking my advisor and friend.  Please.”

Josephine sighed.  “Very well.  As your advisor, I suggest accepting them as family.  Not only would forming an alliance with them be beneficial to the Inquisition, but it would help us better protect you should Bann Trevelyan decide to… finish what he had attempted before.”  Shadow knew she meant make her disappear and looked away in thought then drawn back when Josephine continued.  “As your friend…. I think the same.  I may not know the Bann as well as I had thought but Lady Olivia.  She’s a gentle soul and I’ve seen her with her other children.  She is a good mother and certainly worth knowing.”  Josephine smiled, “And her children are just like their mother.  Although I wouldn’t recommend getting on the bad side of Marissa.  She knows how to hold a grudge.”

Shadow raised a brow at the bitter tone.  “Personal experience?”

Josephine rolled her eyes.  “Honestly, just how upset can someone remain about some spilt wine on a dress from over six years ago?”  Both woman laughed and Shadow decided to change the subject back while they ended this one on a light note.  She could tell that Josephine didn’t seem all that comfortable giving her opinion on this matter and she remembered back to Varric’s words about how it was ultimately her decision.

Once she finished her breakfast, Josephine picked out her clothing for the day while she bathed.  When she was ready, the two made their way to the Ambassador’s office where Shadow spent a good portion of her morning meeting with some nobles.  She also learned that Leliana’s people had found the former mayor of Crestwood and he was in route to Skyhold to await her judgement.  There has yet to be any word from Hawke or Stroud.

When she was informed that Lord Waylon would reach Skyhold in two days, she felt slightly panicked.  She had hoped to have more time to make a decision, to separate her wants from her fears and the wants of others.  Now she felt more pressured than ever and Vivienne hadn’t helped when she had approached Shadow, stating that “You can’t dillydally on this decision, dear. There is too much at stake for that.”  She suspected the enchanter wished to make her opinion known more clearly and would’ve continued to do just that if Shadow hadn’t said she needed to speak with Leliana.  She noted the disapproving frown on her way out and knew she wouldn’t be able to avoid the woman’s opinion for long.  As she made her way through the main hall, nodding to those that greeted her, she realized that she did need to speak with Leliana.  There was something they needed to clear up after all.

When she entered the rotunda, Solas looked up from the tomb he was reading.  “Inquisitor.  I was pleased to hear that you’ve been busy this morning.”

Shadow was still uncomfortable with the title, but no longer cringed every time she heard it.  “I made Josephine swear that I won’t have to meet with anymore nobility today.  Be happy that you don’t have to converse with these people, Solas.  There was this Ferelden woman…”  She clenched her fists.  “I don’t think I’ve been so tempted to punch someone.”

Solas chuckled as he placed the tomb aside and stood from his desk chair.  “Since I believe there is only one Ferelden noblewoman here, I have a feeling that I _have_ met her.”  He explained further when Shadow tilted her head, “She made a rather inappropriate request of me last night.”

“She ordered him to take her like a wild Dalish,” said Varric as he passed through, ignoring the dark look the elven mage gave him.  “Glad to see you up and about Sneaky.  Don’t overdo it.”  He smiled at a wide-eyed Shadow before entering the main hall.  Shadow turned back to Solas.

“She did what?”  Solas sighed.

“I believe a little too much wine and an unfortunate run it with Sera,” he hissed the archer’s name, “are to blame for the Lady’s actions.  I’d rather not say anymore on the subject.”  He crossed over to her and gentle to her right arm.  “How has this been feeling today?”

            Shadow watched his hand glowed green as he inspected her arm.  “A little sore.  Thank you for the potion this morning.  I’m not sure I would’ve gotten out of bed with the headache I woke up with.  I also noticed I didn’t dream while I slept.”

            “You always dream.”  Solas stepped back when he finished his inspection.  “Not all follow you when waking.”

            Shadow absently rubbed at the mark, thinking about her dreams, what he has said before about them, and the knowledge that he knew about her ability.  “Have you identified the demon?”

            Solas narrowed his eyes as he flicked his wrist behind his back, casting a rune to ward off listeners in the shadows.  “No.  Did something occur?”

            “No, nothing like that.  I just…”  She took a deep breath.  “I was wondering if there was a danger of the demon following me into the waking.”

            Solas shook his head.  “You are not a mage.  As I have said, you are not in danger of possession.”

            “I know you’ve been aware of the connection I have with the Fade,” she pointed out.

            “It is not strong enough for a demon or any spirit to use.  And this demon is not interested in possession.”

            Shadow did not like the sound of that.  “Then what is it interested in?”

            For the first time since she’s known him, Solas appeared as lost as she, “I… do not know.  Answers should come when I discover its nature.”  His eyes held an apology for a brief moment.  Then he stated, “You haven’t told anyone.”

            Shadow detected the hint of disapproval in his tone.  Before she had left for Crestwood, he had indicated that it may be wise for her to talk to someone other than Cole and him about her dreams and the demon that stalked her in the Fade and she knew he was right.  She just wasn’t sure who and, “I’m not sure how.  I don’t like making anyone worry and I feel like I keep bringing nothing but problems.”  **_That is all you’ll ever bring anyone._**   Before Solas could reply to this, there was a loud caw and both of them ducked as one of Leliana’s birds flew by, reminding Shadow why she was there.  “If you’ll excuse me.  Thank you again for your help.”  Solas watched as she started up the stairs, concerned for her.

            It didn’t take Shadow long to make it to the top of the tower since she didn’t encounter Dorian on her way through the library.  She knew that was a little strange as he spent most of his days in Skyhold trying to organize its library.  She wondered if something had happened but these thoughts were put aside when she saw the person she sought once she reached the top.  The Spymaster turned, her eyes guarded.

            “Inquisitor,” she greeted, cautiously.  “I’m pleased to see you are well.”

            “I’d say better rather than well.  But Corypheus won’t stop his plans just because I have a… crisis.”

            Leliana nodded.  “Unfortunately, Corypheus seems to have chosen to remain in the shadows.  We’ve gained no further knowledge on his identity nor information on him raising a demon army.”  She sighed.  “Nor on the threat on the Empress’s life.”

            _Was it too much to hope for good news_ , Shadow thought.  She hoped they would hear from Hawke and Stroud soon.  She didn’t like how they’ve heard nothing from Corypheus since Haven.  “What was it you said to me about Samson?  He’ll make a mistake and we’ll be ready.”

            Leliana’s eyes brightened.  “Speaking of Samson, my scouts have sent news about the red lyrium caverns.  And I’ve received word on Vicinius.”

            _There some good news_.  “Don’t keep me in suspense.”

            Leliana moved to a table that was covered in a map of Thedas.  And a few bird droppings.  She leaned over it, pointing at a particular region.  “My agents in the Emerald Graves have reported increased smuggling activity and an increase in the Red Templar’s numbers.”  Shadow knew that piece of news would cause pain for Cullen.  “There have been no sightings of Samson in the area but my agents have noticed messengers coming and going frequently.  They’ve been unable to intercept these letters as they are accompanied by Red Templars and have reported some strange descriptions of these soldiers.”

            “Strange how?”

            “You remember how the red lyrium changed their appearances at Redoubt?”  Shadow nodded.  “Apparently continued exposure to the corrupt lyrium causes further, more horrific changes.  To the point that they hardly appear human anymore.  My agents have also been unable to trace where the red lyrium is being mined nor do they have the numbers to establish a base of operations in the area.”

            “Due to these Red Templars?”

            “Partly.  There is also a rebel band in the region calling themselves ‘Freemen of the Dales’.”

            Shadow arched a brow.  “Seriously?”

            “I’m afraid so.  They are deserters from both sides of the civil war.”  Shadow couldn’t help but let out a hiss at the mention of the Orlesian Civil War.  Thankfully it hadn’t had much effect on the Inquisition nor on their mission to stop Corypheus, but she had heard of the problems the war has caused for its citizens, a war that could end now if those behind it would simply think about the people and not themselves.  There had been some hope that the explosion at the Conclave might’ve caused the country to unite but the war had only paused briefly before resuming again within the last few weeks.  “Apparently, they’ve decided to claim the region as their own and are harassing the refugees there.”

            “How have they not been taken out by the Red Templars?”

            “I suspect Samson leaves them be as they are providing to be quite troublesome, keeping our attention from ever fully focusing on his operation.  We have been requested to deal with these rebels.  A man who has taken up leadership among the refugees has contacted us, saying that he can aid us in establishing a proper base and provide us with useful information if we aid him in eliminating the rebels.”

            “Who is this man?”

            “He calls himself Fairbanks, although I’m not sure if that is his birth name.  I’ve found very little on him other than that he has done a great deal to help defend the refugees from the Freemen.”

            Shadow frown at the Spymaster’s words.  She knew it was a part of who the woman was, of what she did, but Shadow wished that she wouldn’t be so suspicious of everyone.  _Some secrets exist for very good reasons.  Who are we to decide which ones should be dredged up?_   “Did he say what the nature of the information is?”

            “He will share that with no one but you.”

            Shadow sighed.  “Of course he won’t.”  She stared at the map, lost in thought.  She couldn’t leave Skyhold again until she had dealt with the former mayor of Crestwood as she had a feeling the King of Ferelden would have a problem with the man sitting around in the Inquisition’s cells.  Also, she didn’t think Josephine would let her leave until she had read and replied to the pile of letters awaiting her on her desk.  And there was the situation with the Trevelyans…  “I will see if Cullen has any soldiers he can spare and send them to Fairbanks.  They can help deal with these rebels until I can arrive.”  As an afterthought, “I’ll ask Josephine to help me write a response they can take with them, explaining that there are things I must take care of here first before I can go myself but make clear that I _will_ be there.”  She felt that this Fairbanks was a man who would appreciate actions more so than words and a letter won’t convince him different if he decided that she was just like those in power in Orlais.  Not that she would blame him.  The civil war has caused many to become bitter and distrustful toward those in power.

            Leliana smiled.  “An excellent idea Inquisitor.”  The hooded woman was pleased to see Shadow becoming more comfortable with giving orders and embracing the role of Inquisitor.

            Shadow looked up at her.  “And what of Vicinius?”

            “He’s dead.”

            Shadow closed her eyes and sighed.  “Leliana…”

            The Spymaster had to struggle to not chuckle at the Inquisitor’s disapproving tone.  “He was already dead when my agents entered his home.  They did have to deal with a few Venatori that had remained behind.”

            “There were Venatori there?”

            “Sent by Calpernia to deal with him,” Leliana confirmed.

            “How did she discover we were watching him?”

            “I’m not sure she was aware we were.  My people found invoices for shipments of slaves,” Shadow flinched at this, “and a letter indicating Vicinius’s concern on how Calpernia would react to some of them being… damaged.  And he was wise to be.  It appears to be the reason why she had him killed.”

            Shadow asked, “Why would she kill him over slaves?”  It didn’t make sense for the leader of the Venatori to be concerned about the condition of her slaves.

            “Because she was once one herself.”  Leliana calmly watched as shock appeared on the Inquisitor’s face.  “Before she became the leader of the Venatori, she was a slave from Minrathons.  If Corypheus freed her, it would explain why she is so loyal to him.”

            Shadow couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  Why would any former slave of Tevinter be a part of the Venatori?  They are perhaps the most violent toward slaves.  “Why would she be purchasing slaves then?”

            “Perhaps she has freed them.  And thus gained their loyalty as Corypheus gained her’s and increased her numbers.  Vicinius tracked his “shipments”.  My agents will investigate.  This may lead us to Calpernia’s lair.”  She picked up a report.  “There is more.”  She handed it to Shadow and she studied the drawing of what appeared to be a crystal on it.  “My agents found this crystal in pieces and when they were placed together, Calpernia and Vicinius’s last interaction could be heard.”

            Shadow had never heard of such a thing.  “How is that possible?”

            “I do not know.  I’ve never heard of such magic.  We’ve recently brought in an arcanist and she should be able to unravel its mysteries once it has arrived here.”  Leliana smiled, amusement clear in her eyes.  “You should find the time to meet with her.  She’s expressed a strong desire to… see your mark.”

            Shadow gazed at her, wary, “Should I be concerned?”

            Leliana laughed.  “No, not at all.  I’ve known Dagna for quite some time.  She’s a curious being and all magic fascinates her.  If anyone can get us answers on this crystal, it is she.”

            “I trust you.”  Shadow paused before slowly placing the report back onto the table.  “Although, that seems to be an area we’ve had some trouble.”  For a moment, she held the steady gaze of the Spymaster and would later pat herself on the back for not backing down from it.

            Finally, the other woman spoke.  “It may be more accurate to say _secrets_ have been the issue.”  There was no need for either of them to expand on this statement, to repeat what has already been said before.  They each knew what the other meant and their reasons for their actions.

            “So,” said Shadow, “how are we going to deal with this?  I’m not going to request you step down because frankly you’re too damn good at what you do and I’d be a fool to do so.  Also, despite your insistence in this one matter, I do trust you.  But… I need you to trust me when I say that I have my reasons for keeping their names to myself.”

            Leliana tilted her head, the only outward reaction she gave.  “Your past has a habit of revealing itself, Inquisitor.”  She held up a hand before Shadow could reply.  “However, I will leave this matter be.”  Frustration flickered in her eyes.  “Partly because I’ve failed in my attempts to discover anything,” Shadow failed to hide her amusement at this statement, though irritation mixed with it, “but also because… I do trust you.  I may not agree with you but I do trust you.  You’ve put others before yourself time and time again.  I know that if you feel the Inquisition or any of us are ever in any danger due to this secret, you wouldn’t hesitate to reveal it.  It is… difficult for me to not unravel this mystery.”

            Shadow was pleased to hear that the Spymaster was no longer going to push this issue.  But she also knew that what else Leliana said was true.  “You’re correct in that my past is revealing itself, even parts of it I was not aware of.  And well outside my control.  I would be a fool to think this particular piece won’t come to light eventually.  I’m just not…”  She shivered at the memories that came with their names and pushed them all firmly away, deep down.  Not yet.  “I’m just not ready to face what will come with it.  Especially with what has come to light recently.”

            Leliana nodded in understanding.  Knowing that what needed to be said had been, she decided that it was safe to move on to another, more pressing matter.  “Have you decided what you will do?”

            “No, I – I haven’t.”  Shadow felt the need to squirm when Leliana merely stared at her for what felt like minutes before speaking.

            “I won’t give my opinion.”  When surprise sparked in the Herald’s eyes, Leliana smirked.  “Because in this, mine holds no value.  You’ve heard by now how whichever way you decide can affect the Inquisition.  How it can affect you.  But it is _your_ decision, your choice.”  Leliana gave Shadow a gentle smile.  “And we will stand with you.”  Seeing Shadow’s eyes water and understanding that the young leader was struggling with what to say, along with her own desire to move on from the conversation that was becoming a little too emotional, Leliana quickly began to share some other minor reports her agents throughout Thedas had sent her.  Most didn’t demand direct action from the Inquisitor and some required more investigation, so Shadow soon left the Spymaster to her work and set out to find her third advisor.

            But as she made her way back through the library, she saw the mage she had missed before and paused.  He was sitting in the chair he had claimed as his own, forbidding anyone from ever moving it, but instead of reading a book and loudly complaining about the inaccuracy of southern writers, he appeared to be reading a letter and was completely silent.  He was hunched over instead of sitting comfortable, and his expression – it pained Shadow to see just how much sorrow was there.  She slowly made her way to him, silently indicating that those nearby move elsewhere.

            “Hey.”  Dorian looked up from the letter as she sat in the much smaller and less embellished chair across from him.  She leaned forward, placing her elbows on her legs.  “What’s wrong?”

            Even if he had the heart to make a joke to brush off her concern, he knew she would pester him until he spoke the truth.  He looked back down at the parchment in his hands.  “You remember that I was trying to learn what had happened to Felix when we learned of Alexius’s fate?”  Shadow murmured yes.  Just after she had been made Inquisitor, she had Haven uncovered so as to find and bury the bodies of the fallen.  Alexius’s frozen corpse had been found just outside of the buried village, evidence pointing to the Venatori having killed him.  “This came today.”

            When he didn’t continue, Shadow softly encouraged him to.  “And?”

            “Nothing.”  Dorian tossed the letter aside and stood up, moving to a window and staring down at a courtyard.  Shadow stood as well, but didn’t move toward him.  “There’s no trace of him anywhere.  It’s as if he never existed!”  She picked up the letter and placed it on a nearby table.  Then she approached him.  Dorian placed his hands on the cold stone and hung his head.  “I think the Venatori killed him as well.”

            Shadow gently tugged on his arm and he turned.  She surprised them both when she wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a tight hug.  Another surprised soon followed when he returned it.  “Those bastards will pay,” she said, her voice low and full of promise.

            “Yes,” the Tevinter mage agreed.  “They will.”  They both dropped their arms and she stepped back, seeing the fire of determination in his dark eyes.  He turned his gaze back to the window and when he spoke again, his voice was softened by memories.  “Felix used to sneak me treats from the kitchens when I was working late in his father’s study.  ‘Don’t get into trouble on my behalf,’ I’d tell him.  ‘I like trouble,” he’d say.”  Shadow smiled at hearing the chuckle.  Dorian’s face only held the amusement for a moment though and he clenched his fists.  “Tevinter could use more mages like him.  Those who put the good of others above themselves.  In a perfect world he would be alive, not I.”

            “Hey.”  Dorian whipped his surprised eyes back to meet Shadow’s now angered ones.  “In a perfect world, you _both_ would be alive.  Don’t sell yourself short Dorian.  You are a good man too.  Felix wasn’t the only good mage who came south from Tevinter.”  Dorian still appeared doubtful and she continued gently, “He should be an example of others to follow, or his death is wasted.”

            Dorian gave a sharp laugh.  “Should I spread the word?  We could spawn the Cult of Felix within a matter of days!”  Shadow stared at him silently and he sighed.  “You’re right.  His actions should not be forgotten.”  He smiled at her.  “Thankfully Felix wasn’t the only decent sort kicking around Thedas.”

***

            Cullen ran a hand over his face, letting out a tired sigh.  He wished his aching head and the reports in front of him would just vanish.  Particularly the one he was reading now which had taken him far too long to decode the atrocious handwriting.  Normally he wasn’t in charge of these types of reports, but it had been brought to his attention by the new quartermaster, a young lad eager to please, who was concerned by the request.  _Who in their right mind would place a requisition for live bees?_   He squinted at the signature and pinched his nose in frustration.  _Of course it’s her_ , he thought before crumbling the paper and tossing it in the pile to be burned.  He wondered not for the first time if it might be better to lock the elf archer in the dungeon.  He picked up the next report.

            He cursed at hearing the door that lead towards the rotunda open, believing that the last person to exit through it to have returned.  “Did you think I was jesting when I said I’d toss you in a cell and throw away the key?”

            “I’m sorry.”  Cullen’s head snapped up at hearing the female voice.  Shadow gave an apologetic smile.  “I can come back later -”

            “No!” he protested quickly, stumbling out of his chair.  Shadow’s eyes widened when he steadied himself against his desk.  “Forgive me, Inquisitor.  I – I thought –” He closed his eyes and took a calming breath.  “I thought you were that bloody mage.”

            Seeing how there was really only one mage that went out of his way to tease the Commander, it didn’t take Shadow long to come up with a name.  “Dorian?”  Cullen nodded, his irritation clear.  “What did he do now?”

            Cullen opened his mouth but snapped it shut immediately.  _I can’t tell her!_   A little more than an hour ago, the Tevinter mage had attempted to distract him from his work by gossiping.  Which would’ve been annoying enough but the mage had decide to share the gossip that referred to the Commander _and_ the Inquisitor.  Cullen had tried his hardest to ignore the man, but he unfortunately wasn’t deaf and felt himself grow more and more embarrassed as Dorian shared all the inappropriate and certainly not true rumors he claimed was going around Skyhold.  He had started making threats at the mage when Dorian had asked when he was going to “Proclaim your undying love to the lovely Inquisitor?” but the mage had only smirked.  Just before Cullen reached his boiling point, a messenger had come in and handed Dorian a letter.  The mage had taken one look at it before quickly running off, promising to return later to get his answer.  “He’s – uh – well he – um – he’s been -”

            “Cullen?”  He stopped his stuttering and looked at her, confused by her concerned expression.  “Are you feeling okay?”

            The Commander realized that he had been rubbing at his forehead again and lowered his hand.  “Just a headache.  Reports,” he explained further when her eyes widened.

            Shadow smiled at that explanation.  “I’ve dealt with a few of those myself today.”  She glanced at his parchment covered desk.  _I wish I could lessen his work, but not only he object to that but it wouldn’t be fair._   She asked, “How have you been feeling?”

            Cullen thought of the box locked away in his desk.  “The last few days have been good ones,” he answered truthfully.  He smiled at her with gratitude.  “Your tea helps.”

            Shadow returned the smile, feel a pleasant warmth in her chest.  “I’m glad to hear it.  I wasn’t sure if you liked tea, I mean I’m not much of a tea drinker myself, but it does help with aches and pains and…”  She blushed when she realized she was babbling.

            Cullen only continued to smile for a moment before his expression became one of concern.  “And what of you?  How are you doing?”

            Shadow’s smile slowly vanished as she moved over to his bookshelves and danced her fingers across the spines of the tombs.  “My hangover is gone,” she answered.  “As nasty as it was, Solas’s potion did help.  My arm is stronger, although I’m still forbidden to do anything too strenuous.”  She paused in both word and movement.  Cullen patiently waited for her to continue.  “But I would be lying if I said I was fine.”  She dropped her hand to her side but kept her back to him.  “Everything I felt last night is still swirling around in here though not as strong.  The emotional addition of shame has kind of pushed them aside and lingered, despite multiple people’s insistence that I have nothing to be ashamed of.”

            “You don’t.”  Shadow turned then to face him and looked about to protest.  “You don’t.  Your reaction was understandable.”  _And a bit of a relief_ , he thought, glancing at the sleeves that covered pale scars.  “You have every right to feel what you felt – continue to feel.  Many of us felt similar emotions ourselves.”  Shadow watched as he glared out the window behind his desk, his fists tightly clenched.  She remembered how he had only shown her kindness and understanding in her room and wondered, if the spark of rage in his eyes were any indication, just how much he had struggled to keep his anger hidden from her.

            “Thank you.”  Cullen turned to her, surprise replacing anger and his body relaxing.  “For being there.  I know I wasn’t exactly… receptive at the time, but I do appreciate all you did.  And have done.”

            Cullen fought the urge to cross the room and take her in his arms.  Instead, his amber eyes held her green ones as he firmly promised, “Always.”  For a moment they silently stared at each other before realizing what they were doing and looked away from each other, both blushing.

            Shadow’s thoughts returned to the matter of the Trevelyans and sighed.  “Now I have to decide what to do next.  And I’m feeling… torn.”

            “Between?”

            “Want and fear.”

            Cullen narrowed his eyes.  “What you want or what you believe others want?”

            “What I want.  Which, surprisingly, coincides with many of the opinions I’ve heard today.”  Cullen expressed surprise, well aware of what the opinion the majority held was, but remained silent.  “I know how this could benefit the Inquisition and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t have some level of influence but…  Do you remember when you asked me if I thought about my family?”

            Cullen felt as if that chess game had been years ago rather than weeks.  “Yes.”

            “I wasn’t completely honest.”  **_When are you ever?  Even now, you delude yourself and pretend to be what you’re not._**   Shadow cringed at the dark thoughts but continued.  “When I said I haven’t thought about them.  I have. Maybe less often over the years but I still wondered.  Who wouldn’t?  And while most of my wonderings were why did they sell me, there was always this one question I had.  What would it be like?  To be part of a family?  I still have that want, that desire to know but…”

            Hearing her voice slightly crack as she spoke twisted his heart and fueled the hatred he held for those that had hurt her so.  Keeping that hatred well buried inside, he said, “You’re afraid.”

            “Yes.”

            “Why?”

            “I’m afraid I’ll screw it up,” she said softly.

            He understood her fear as it was one he had felt before.  _Or rather, still am feeling_ , he thought as his eyes landed on the letter on his desk.  Staring at it, he got an idea and picked it up.  He saw that he had picked up both pages of the letter and quickly returned the second page to his desk.  There was no way he was going to show her that page.

            “Here.”  Shadow looked up and took the offered parchment, confused.  “Read it,” Cullen said.

            Shadow realized it was a letter and smiled when she saw who it was from.  “You wrote your family.”  Cullen merely nodded and indicated that she continue.  Shadow read the letter, almost letting out a laugh at the clearly frustrated tone.  As she read the Commander’s scolding sister’s words, she felt a yearning for the love in those words and when she reached the end, wondered briefly where the rest was.  She looked up.  “Your sister is… interesting.  Even if she hadn’t mentioned her children, you’d be able to tell she’s a mother.”

            Cullen chuckled.  “Yes, well, she got that threat from our mother.  Any time we would get into trouble – which was often – she would smack us upside the head then tend to whatever scraps or bruises we had given ourselves.”  His expression grew serious and Shadow noted the guilt that appeared in his eyes.  “She has every right to be angry with me.  I’ve barely contacted them over the last ten years and what few letters I sent, I’m ashamed to admit hardly conveyed anything of worth.  I haven’t seen them since…”  He halted, memories of screams and blood flashing in his mind.  He shook his head and continued, pretending not to see the worry on the Herald’s face.  “Since I left Ferelden for Kirkwall.”  He couldn’t hide the regret from his voice as he spoke, “I’ve never laid eyes on my nieces and nephew.  My sister - all my siblings – should be angrier with me.  Should not forgive so easily.  I have not been the brother I should be.”

            “Cullen,” Shadow protested.  She stepped forward, holding up the letter.  “You can feel her love for you in every word she wrote in this letter.  Yes she’s angry but,” she looks at the letter, “she’s clearly overjoyed to have heard from you.  These aren’t the words of an unforgiving woman.  Cullen, you may have made mistakes but your family isn’t going to turn from you.  These people love you.”

            Cullen smiled at hearing her say what he knew she would, though the guilt was very really and still there.  “Exactly.  That’s what families do.  They forgive you, even when you feel you don’t deserve it.”

            Shadow narrowed her eyes at him, realizing what he had done.  “You’re sneaky for a warrior.”

            He smirked.  “I’ve spoken at length with Ser Nigel Trevelyan about his family’s efforts to find you.”  _And what measures we should take here to insure that none that are loyal to the Bann come near you._   “Just as you could see my sister’s love in her words, I’ve seen theirs in their actions.  They may not know you, Shadow.  But they love you.”

            Shadow thought about how she had seen Nigel training in the upper courtyard as she had made her way to Cullen’s office and almost blushed at remembering she had cowardly ducked down when he glanced her way.  A move that Bull had been more than happy to laugh loudly at from his spot by the tavern.  Hearing Cullen’s words had her struggling to hold back tears.  She hadn’t given much thought to how these people felt, only focused on how she might disappoint them.  “Thank you Cullen.”

            Cullen took back the offered letter, allowing himself the small pleasure of his fingers lingering on hers for a moment.  _Are you sure there is no merit in Dorian’s words?_   He quickly moves back and places the parchment with its partner and then remembered the second letter that had arrived with it.  “I almost forgot.”  He opened a drawer and pulled out a still sealed letter and handed it to Shadow, not for the first time wondering what it could possibly say.  “My younger sister, Rosalie, sent this for you.”

            “Me?”  He nodded and she took the letter.  “Why?”

            He shook his head.  “I don’t know.”

            She smiled, teasing, “You’re not worried she’ll share some embarrassing childhood stories?”

            He laughed.  “If it had been sent from Mia or Branson, absolutely.  Rosie, however, has always been the peacekeeper of the four of us.”  Shadow inspected the letter, curious about why Cullen’s sister would write to _her_ but decided to wait until she was back in her room to read it.  She thought about how Cullen hadn’t seen his family in years and how lonely that must’ve been for him in Kirkwall.  Then a thought entered her mind that had her lightly blush and she couldn’t chase it away.  “Cullen?”

            The Commander was staring at the pile of reports still left to go through, thinking of how many more he could finish before the end of the day.  “Hm?  Yes?”

            _What are you doing?  This is none of your business!_   Shadow continued despite her mental protests and nervously asked, “Did you… leave anyone behind in Kirkwall?”

            Cullen focused on her, confused by her question.  “No.  I fear that outside of Hawke’s group, I made few friends there.”  His face darkened slightly at the mention of the Hawke and Shadow remembered her determination to have those two talk.  She hoped they heard from him soon.

            Her nervousness grew.  “So, um, no one special caught her interest?”  _Why?  Why would you need to know that?_

            Cullen narrowed his eyes but she wasn’t looking at him, her eyes fixed on the letter in her hands.  He noted that her blush grew darker as he remained silent and wondered if she was indeed asking what he thought.  And why she would be asking.  Carefully, he answered, “Not in _Kirkwall_.”  Shadow’s eyes snapped to his at his carefully emphasized wording and find herself trapped by his intense gaze.  Just when Cullen was giving thought about stepping forward, one of the doors opened and Commander and Inquisitor jumped.

            The messenger that entered pretended not to have noticed that she had just interrupted something.  Though Lady Nightingale would certainly be interested.  “Inquisitor!”

            Shadow folded the letter and placed it in a pocket.  “Yes?”

            “Lady Nightingale was wondering if you’ve spoken to the Commander yet as she wishes to speak with him about sending more scouts with his men.”

            “Emerald Graves,” she said to a confused Cullen.  “Not yet.  Inform her that I am doing so now.”

            Cullen realized that they must’ve received word about Samson’s actions in the forest region.  “Also inform her that I will meet with her later this evening to discuss her scouts.”  The messenger saluted and left, leaving the Inquisitor and Commander to discuss Inquisition matters.  Both felt as if they had avoided something that would’ve changed everything.

***

Mia’s letter to Cullen

_“Dear Mia, I’m still alive.  Your loving brother Cullen”_

_Honestly, brother, what is so difficult about picking up your pen and writing a letter to us more often than once a year?  It is certainly lighter than a sword and less work than all those reports you attempted to use as an excuse.  We thought you were dead. Again.  If the Inquisition was not on everyone’s lips, we would never have heard that their fine commander survived Haven.  Consider yourself lucky, brother.  Rosie convinced me that hunting you down and beating you over the head wouldn’t encourage you to contact us.  That does not mean she is no less angry as I.  Branson as well.  He was all for beating you up._

_Oh but I thank the Maker and Andraste every day that you still yet live.  That my babies still have their Uncle Cullen.  That I haven’t lost another member of this family._

_Along with the tales we hear of the Inquisition, so have we been hearing strange things as of late.  Particularly strange rumors about these so called Red Templars.  Hearing these, I am not sorry you left the Order.  I thought your resignation was implied when you joined the Inquisition, but you meant something more, didn’t you?_

_We’ve also heard some interesting rumors about the Inquisitor.  And her Commander.  Apparently they have become close friends although there is speculation of more.  And something about an altercation between the Commander and the Champion over the Inquisitor.  Care to explain brother?_

_I know it is a fool’s errand asking you to stay safe but please try._

_Your loving sister (see how easy this is?),_

_Mia_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was worth the wait. Certainly longer than past chapters. :) I'll try not to make you wait so long for the next one - though maybe I should stop saying that...
> 
> Comments and kudos make me feel wanted. Wow, do I sound needy.


	35. Chapter Thirty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed that this story's crossed the 100 comments and 100 kudos marks. YAY!!!!!!! You guys are super awesome! :D

            Shadow sat on – not _at_ – her desk, fiddling with an arrow as she thought things over.  The last couple of days have given her plenty to think about and nothing had become clearer during that time.

            The first, and probably most confusing, was the letter from Cullen’s sister, Rosalie.  It had started with her expressing her thanks for all that Shadow has done to help Thedas and more specifically her brother.  Shadow had quickly decided that the woman must be one of the gentlest souls in Thedas when she had extended an offering of friendship toward her, encouraging her to visit their family.  All for a woman she had never met!  On top of that, Rosalie had made mention on how difficult and terrifying everything must seem; the mark and becoming Inquisitor, and how she must be very brave and strong, leading Shadow to wonder just what exactly she’s heard or rather what Cullen had written to her. 

Shadow felt herself blush at thinking of him, because his sister had made another mention of him in her letter.  This was actually the bit that confused her.  Her sister had shared how she could see a difference in her brother’s words from past communications, claiming they seemed less like attempts to cover pain and instead conveyed a healing.  A healing she was attributing to Shadow as this seemed more apparent in the words about her.  _What the Void had he written to them?  And how could she “see” those things?  Was she right?_   Shadow wondered this last thought as she remembered something else Rosalie had written: _He cares for you a great deal and while you might think me insane or this just wishful thinking (after all we’ve never met) I believe you may feel the same towards him.  And perhaps he has had a similar healing effect on you?_

She hissed in pain and held up her left index finger, inspecting the thin trail blood that now ran from the slice made by her careless handling of the arrow.  She almost wiped in on her pants leg but stopped just in time.  Josephine had chosen her outfit for today and the Ambassador would no doubt kill her if she met the Trevelyans with blood on her clothes.  She frowned as she hopped off her desk and washed her hand in the water basin on her dresser, cleaning the small cut.  The Trevelyans had arrived late the night before and due to other matters that had to be dealt with today, Shadow had not been awoke to greet them.  Josephine had informed her herself this morning at breakfast, saying that no doubt everyone would’ve been too tired to properly meet and Shadow had to agree.  _Shit, I’m wide awake now and I’m not sure I will be able to “properly” meet them_.  She saw that the cut had stopped bleeding and dried her hands as she worried over the meeting.  She knew she was willingly to try the whole family thing but she still worried about ruining this chance, disappointing everyone in the process.  Never mind that many have informed her by now that she shouldn’t worry so much, but she continued to do so none the less.

“Inquisitor?”  Shadow turned from her dresser and saw the Ambassador standing at the top of the stairs, portable writing board in hand.

“It’s time?” Shadow asked, earning a nod in return.  She made her way across the room and stopped in front of Josephine, allowing the woman the opportunity to wipe whatever imaginary dust had settled on her in the last hour and she noted the small frown.  Josephine had tried to convince Shadow to wear a dress, but she had refused.  She had claimed it was because that while it might work for the meeting, it didn’t really fit an Inquisitor sitting in judgement.  Truthfully, she just hated to wear any dress and also the formal top she wore had long enough sleeves to cover her arms.  If she could prevent certain questions from being asked this first meeting then by the Maker she was going to.

As Shadow walked with Josephine through the tower that housed the larger quarters, she thought about the man she was to judge.  The day before, the former mayor of Crestwood had arrived to Skyhold, filthy and chained.  While she felt anger at the reminder of his crimes, she also felt a little bit of pity for the man and had allowed him to bath, change clothes, and eat.  However, he still had to spend the night in a cell.  Along with his arrival came a letter from the King of Ferelden, expressing his displeasure that the Inquisition had taken it upon themselves to capture and sentence the man.  Leliana had laughed and pointed out after reading the letter that it was clear that while the letter was no doubt from the King, it had been written by another’s hand, no doubt to express irritation rather the anger he truly felt.  “Alistair has never sounded this polite when he is upset and the lack of strange phrases makes it clear someone edited his original words carefully.”  Shadow couldn’t blame the man for being upset though and had wondered if it was really her place, a non-Ferelden, to judge the former mayor.

As Inquisitor and Ambassador entered the main hall, the former noted, and admittedly felt a little panicky, at seeing how crowded it was.  While she knew that it wasn’t possible, it felt as if the whole of Skyhold was present.  She told herself to stop feeling nervous, that this wasn’t her first judgement, but it very different from that first time.  This time it was on a far more serious matter than a man throwing goats against the fortress and there was also a lot more people present.  Not to mention who else was in the crowd, watching.

She probably wouldn’t have noticed them on her own, after all she had never met them and had no idea what they would look like, but she had caught sight of Nigel, whom she had talked with a little over the last couple of days, and thus her attention was drawn to the two men standing next to him.  They were close enough to the front that she could see the similarities between them.  The older of the two wore Templar robes but no armor, although there was a sword at his hip.  His hair was golden and his face was hardened by years and trials, but his eyes did not appear to hold any bitterness.  The younger of the two wore fine clothing of green and silver and appeared only a few years Nigel’s senior but much younger than the other man.  He did not appear armed and his hair mirrored that of the Templar, though longer and tied back.  Both men’s attention had immediately focused on her when she had entered but their faces gave no indication of their thoughts.  Thus was her first impressions of the Bann’s heir and brother.

She reached her chair – she refused to call it a throne as it sounded far too intimidating to even sit in – and as she positioned herself on it, Josephine stopped just to her right.  Her Spymaster stood behind her to the left, watching and listening, and her Commander was positioned to the far left at the top of the stairs.  Once she was ready, she nodded to him and he ordered the prisoner brought in.

            The hall’s massive doors opened and Shadow sat up straight as the man stumbled in, flanked by two Inquisition soldiers.  She frowned as he seemed to struggle with walking forward, wondering if it was a play for sympathy or if his emotions made it difficult to move his feet.  He certainly wasn’t weak or injured nor were his ankles chained, just his wrists.

            As he and the soldiers approached, her Ambassador began to speak.  “Gregory Dedrick, former mayor of Crestwood, is present for betraying his own constituents.”  The man’s chains sounded as he came to a stop at the base of the stairs before her, his head remaining bowed.  “He confesses that ten years ago, he flooded old Crestwood to kill refugees and villagers touched by the Blight.”  The crowd immediately reacted to this and Shadow questioned the sincerity of their shock.  After all, the Inquisition had made no secret of why they had hunted and captured the man and all of Ferelden at least had to know of his crimes by now if word had reached the King.  She saw many horrified expressions and felt those at least were sincere.  Josephine calmly waited until the crowd had settled again before continuing.  “He claims it was to spare the rest of Crestwood but we only have his word.”

            Shadow felt her anger at this man rise again but kept it hidden behind a mask.  She allowed her body to relax slightly, though she was far from it mentally, and kept her gaze calm but cool.  “If he has anything to say in his defense, let him speak.”

            Dedrick lifted his head then and Shadow saw terror and regret on his face.  “There’s no cure for the Blight.  But I couldn’t convince anyone to leave a sick child or husband behind,” he insisted.

            Josephine spoke before Shadow could and the Inquisitor glanced at her in surprise when the formal woman spoke angrily, “So you herded the infected into one place and flooded old Crestwood?  Were no innocents caught in the waters?”  A cry of anger and agreement arose from the crowd.

            “Nearly everyone in the village had the Blight, I swear it!” Dedrick shouted at them.

            Cullen commanded the crowd to be silent and once they were, Shadow asked the shackled man, “And was there no other way to handle the situation?  Did you stop to find one?”

            The man seemed to crumple at that and might’ve fallen to his knees if the soldiers hadn’t been supporting him.  “Have mercy Your Worship!” he begged, tears falling.  “I couldn’t tell the survivors I’d drowned their own families to save them!  I – I couldn’t!”

            Hearing these words caused an ache in Shadow’s heart.  Did he only regret the secrecy and not the act itself?  Or was he unable to bring himself to beg for mercy for those deaths?  Again, she kept these thoughts and feelings from showing on her face and leaned forward as she stared down at the sobbing man.  For a minute or two, the hall was silent except for his sobs as the Inquisitor thought over his words and crimes.  Then she sat up straight.  “You committed murder on Ferelden’s soil and against its people.  King Alistair Theirin should be the one to decide your fate.”  She looked to the Commander and ordered, “Send him to Denerim.  He can live the rest of his life behind their bars, if they deem it so.”

            There was a murmur of surprise throughout the crowd, which slightly irritated Shadow.  Dedrick looked up her with surprise as well.  “In prison?  Maker, I should’ve drowned with them.”  Shadow frowned at his words, confused by them.  Did the man prefer to die?  Or was he fearful of the King’s justice, which could be much worse than a lifetime in prison?  Or had he hoped she would simply exile him as a few had suggested in hushed tones?  She remained silent as Cullen ordered his soldiers to return the man to his cell while the arrangements for his handover to the Ferelden monarchy were made.  Shadow allowed her eyes to roam over the crowd while he was led out and she noticed mixtures of approval and disapproval among her companions.  Thankfully, none seemed too overly disapproval so there were no fights to prepare for.

            She stood when Josephine announced the end of Judgement and glanced over at the Trevelyans, who were still waiting while the rest of the crowd began to leave.  She caught Nigel’s eye and he gave her a look, silently asking “Now?”  Shadow fought the urge to wring her hands.

            “Josephine, is there any chance I can run and hide for the rest of the day and you handle this for me?”

            “I’m afraid not Shadow.”

            Shadow sighed and nodded, making her way to the Ambassador’s office and leaving it to the woman to bring the nobles there.  Leliana and Cullen followed her.

            Once they entered the office, Leliana commented, “Interesting sentencing.”

            “He was never truly ours to judge.  No matter how much I wanted to throw him in a bottomless pit.”

            Cullen chuckled.  “Good thing you passed judgement as you did then.  We’re lacking in bottomless pits.”  Shadow gave him a small smile.

            “Shame that is,” said the hooded woman, leaning against the desk.  “We’ll need one for all the cheese.”  Shadow shot her a confused look and she explained, “The King will be very thankful that you chose to not undermine his authority in this matter.”  Shadow shook her head, thinking that clearly there was a joke here that only the Spymaster understood from her days journeying across Ferelden with the man.

            Cullen stood next to her in front of the fireplace as she stared into the flames and whispered, “Are you certain you are ready?”

            She rubbed at her arms slowly.  She knew that this first meeting was going to be more business focused, Leliana and Cullen both wanting to make clear the need for continued secrecy at least until the Inquisition had gained more allies throughout Thedas, but she was still very nervous.  “As I’ll ever be.”

            “Inquisitor.”  They all turned and saw Josephine standing with the Trevelyans.  The Ambassador gestured at them as she spoke, “May I present Lord Waylon Everett Trevelyan, son of Bann Stefan and Lady Olivia Trevelyan of Ostwick and his uncle, Knight-Commander Byron Hugh Trevelyan.  Gentlemen, Inquisitor Shadow, Herald of Andraste.”  Shadow frowned at her for sharing that particular title, but was ignored.

            The Knight-Commander fisted his left hand and placed it over his heart, bowing.  “An honor, Your Worship.”

            Lord Waylon took a step forward and had begun to lift his hand as if to take hers, but stopped when she made no move closer to accept.  Josephine and Vivienne had both informed her of all the proper ways to handle introductions among nobles, particularly the most common one of gentlemen taking the lady’s hand and kissing the knuckles.  When she had expressed just how she felt about that, Leliana had told her to just go with what was comfortable in this instance.  The situation was too unique for common practices.  So she instead stood awkwardly as Lord Waylon recovered by giving the same bow as his uncle.

            “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Inquisitor.”

            Shadow felt as if she were only a puppet as she spoke the words that Josephine had scripted for her and this moment.  “Welcome to Skyhold, Lord Trevelyan.  Ser Trevelyan.”

            _Was it supposed to be this formal?  This awkward?  Was this a sign of how things were to be?_   **_You’re trash pretending to be of a higher station.  You’re like a rat sneaking its way into the finest of houses.  You will only bring disgust and disease.  Is that not why you chose to hide your scars?_**

            “You should’ve brought Jasper.”  Everyone turned their attention back toward the door as Nigel’s voice broke the uncomfortable silence.  He leaned against the stone wall, wearing normal attire as he was off duty.  “He never would’ve gone with this formal approach and probably would be hugging her by now.  Praising the Maker while he was at it.”

            While the young Lord stared at his brother with an expression that could be said to resemble horror, the Templar laughed.  “Too true.  But someone had to remain in Ostwick.”  He faced Shadow once again, but now his face had softened and his eyes held amusement.  “I apologize if we came across a bit cool.  We are unsure how to behave and what to say in this situation.  A feeling you may share in equal measures.”

            Shadow felt herself relax a little at this change in tone and atmosphere and offered a small smile in return.  “I’d have to disagree.  I think I’m more unsure than you.”

            Byron nodded.  “Of course.  We’ve known of your existence for years.  You’ve only just learned of ours.”

            Nigel stepped away from the wall, staring intently at his uncle.  “Then you believe…?”

            “How can I not after seeing her and hearing her speak?”  He waved a hand at her.  “I’ve known your mother for many years, long before she and my brother were wed.”  He spoke to Shadow, “You look as she once did in her youth.  Any doubts I had are long gone now.”

            Shadow had to look away from the intensity of the Knight-Commander’s gaze.  She could see how happy and hopeful he was and she found herself worried again that she’ll only let him down.  Let them all down.  She jumped when he suddenly smacked Lord Waylon upside his head, startling the man out of his silence.  “Hey!”

            “Stop gapping like a fish and speak boy.  You’ll frighten your sister.”  Just as when Nigel called her such, Shadow felt a longing in her heart simultaneously with it feeling as if it was being gripped tightly.

            Lord Waylon seemed to snap out of his earlier state of shock and stared at Shadow.  “My sister,” he repeated softly.  His eyes held hope but also caution.  “Are you?”

            “It would appear so,” Shadow answered.

            Determination settled in his eyes and he demanded, “Do you believe you are?”

            Shadow took a deep breath, pushing back her doubt on this matter.  “I do.”

            Relief replaced determination.  “After all these years and I… have absolutely no idea what to say.”

            “Well that’s a first,” muttered Nigel, earning himself a glare from his elder brother.

            Shadow had no idea where to go from here.  She knew what needed to be discussed but she had no idea how to bring the conversation there.  Especially since she could practically see the questions swirling around in the three Trevelyans’ gazes.

            Apparently, her struggle didn’t go unnoticed.  “What does Bann Trevelyan believe your purpose here is?” the Spymaster asked.  The atmosphere drastically changed and all the Trevelyan men wore expressions of various degrees of anger.

            Josephine stepped forward and sent Leliana a small glare, speaking before either man could.  “Perhaps we should offer our guests drinks and make them more comfortable before discussing such matters.”

            “No,” spoke Byron.  “Thank you Lady Montilyet, but it would be best to discuss my brother now.  He knows nothing of the truth but he has become more paranoid with each passing year and he does not care for the Inquisition.”  Josephine nodded and moved to her desk where she took a seat and prepared herself to take notes.  Everyone else chose to remain standing.

            “The Bann,” Leliana repeated.

            “He believes I’ve come to convince the Templars in your ranks to abandon the Inquisition and return with me to Ostwick,” answered Byron.

            “What?” Cullen growled, only remaining back because Shadow silently asked him to with a look.

            Byron held up a hand in peace.  “A lie, Commander, I assure you.”  He smiled, “As a matter of fact, I’ve brought some Templars that have expressed interest in joining your cause.  Under this pretense, they were able to safely leave Ostwick where my brother is most powerful.”  Cullen nodded, promising to discuss this with the Knight-Commander later.

            “And your reasoning,” Leliana asked Waylon.

            “Initially, my father was under the impression that I was coming to gather information while under the pretense that the Trevelyan family was seeking to form an alliance with the Inquisition.”  He looked to his brother.  “But then word reached us on the road that my brother had been arrested and I knew it was only a matter of time before the news reached our father.  So I sent a bird with the message that we were going to force you to release my brother and take him home.”

            “Was he not aware that Nigel was already here?” asked Shadow.

            Nigel shook his head.  “I stopped all communication with our father when I decided to come to Ferelden.  I suspect the only reason he didn’t send anyone to retrieve me then was because I did keep in contact with Waylon who fed him enough information to appease him.”  Waylon confirmed this with a nod.

            “Should we be on the lookout for an attack from the Bann for imprisoning his son?” asked Leliana.

            “No,” answered Byron.  “My brother knows he does not have the forces nor the friends to win a direct attack.  He will instead result to trickery and lies.  He’ll send spies into your midst and attempt to cut any ties your organization may have with the Free Marches.”

            “We can handle the spies he sends,” said Leliana with a smirk.

            “And we do not have many alliances with families in the Free Marches any way,” added Josephine.  “The few we do, it will take a great deal of strong evidence to make them even consider the Bann’s words.”  The Ambassador asked softly, “What of Lady Trevelyan?  Does she know the truth of your purpose here?”

            Byron’s expression fell.  “No.  It would not have been healthy for her to know.”

            “Healthy?” asked Shadow.

            “The Lady has become… fragile these last few years and with the stress of the Mage-Templar War, her health has suffered further.  There was no telling if this news would’ve done more damage than good to her heart.”

            “Has she been to see a healer?” asked Nigel, fear for his mother in his eyes.

            Waylon glared out a window.  “The Bann hasn’t allowed a mage near the estate since the incident in Kirkwall, let alone near his wife.  Never mind that she grows weaker each day.”  He sighed.  “I’m not sure she would’ve welcomed any form of aid if she knew it came from him anyway.  Jasper prays and Marisa has been sneaking in potions to help.”

            “Is she…?” Shadow couldn’t bring herself to say the word, an irrational fear that it would make it true.

            “My sister-in-law won’t allow herself to die while she believes her children need her,” answered the Templar.  “But she finds few reasons to leave her chambers now a days.”

            “I’m sorry,” Shadow said with sincerity and the older man smiled kindly at her.

            Leliana pushed the discussion forward.  “We should discuss how we will continue as we have particularly if you wish to remain in contact once you return to Ostwick and if Nigel, you choose to remain with the Inquisition.”

            Waylon narrowed his eyes at the Spymaster.  “Continue as is?”

            Shadow watched as his body tensed and realized that he had had different ideas for how this was going to go.  “Keeping who I am in relation to you and my past a secret.”

            Byron also narrowed his eyes at her, but his were contemplating not angry.  She knew that he had picked up on the last part of what she had said but was surprised he didn’t comment on it.  Actually, she was a little surprised that neither of them had asked her about her past.  Instead, the Knight-Commander asked, “You wish to not reveal that you are a Trevelyan?”

            “For now, it would be best not to,” Leliana interjected.

            Before Byron could ask for an explanation that they were more than willing to provide, Lord Trevelyan stated, “No.”  Shadow’s eyes widened at the demanding tone of his voice, realizing that before he hadn’t been embodying his title, but now he was.  “That is unacceptable.”

            His uncle attempted to reason with the young lord.  “Waylon, allow them to explain before -”

            “No!” he cut him off.  “She must return with us to the Free Marches and declare herself a Trevelyan.”

            His brother now tried to warn him to stop, “Waylon…”

            “Silence brother,” he snapped, earning a flinch from his younger brother.  “I will not allow my family’s, our mother’s suffering to continue.  Nor our people’s.  Our father must be stripped of his title and power and she is the only way to gain the support we need to do so legally and without bloodshed.”

            Cullen muttered low enough that only Shadow heard him, “It is foolish to believe there would be no blood spilt.”

            Josephine tried to reason with the lord next, “And what of the people of Thedas?  Shadow is our Inquisitor, the only one who can close the rifts and the one the Elder One fears.  Should she abandon the very people that have trusted her to lead them through this crisis?”

            “She can command from Ostwick just the same as here.  It might even be safer -”

            “You’re wrong,” the Commander growled, unable to remain silent.  “The Free Marches is the last place she would be safe.”

            “Perhaps second to last,” added Leliana, thinking of a certain empire that bordered the Free Marches.

            Waylon’s anger seemed to grow at what he perceived was an insult.  “Are you implying I cannot protect her from my own father?”

            “I am _saying_ that you are so focused on your own agenda that you haven’t bothered to listen as we try to explain that your father is not the only threat to her!”

            “You dare -”

            “Stop,” Shadow commanded calmly, though within her own mind she was anything but.  **_See?  He doesn’t view you as family, as a long last sister to welcome back into the family.  You are a tool, a weapon, a means to an end._**   “I will not be returning with you to Ostwick.  Not at this time.”  She said this last part with sincerity and toward the older man and other brother, hoping that they would take her word for it.  She wanted to one day visit the rest of her… family and bring the Bann, her father, to justice, but that wasn’t possible now.  And not just because she still feared a certain Tevinter family so, but because she had a responsibility to the people of Thedas.  To her friends.

            Waylon was not interested in her promises though.  His eagerness to finally end this blinded him to them and the logic behind the explanations they attempted to provide.  “You are my sister -”

            Shadow felt an anger she wasn’t aware she was holding back break through her calm demeanor and lash out in her voice and through the mark on her hand.  “I am NOT yours to command!”  The green magic of the mark flashed and swirled around her gloved hand.  Waylon stumbled back, surprised by her outburst.  “I am not a tool to be used how you see fit!”

            Nigel protested, “That isn’t what he meant.”

            “Isn’t it?”  She focused back on the Lord Trevelyan.  “You come here, declaring your intentions, your demands, and refuse to listen to my advisors and myself.  You refuse to learn why we are asking for a little more time before making a move against the Bann, before allowing the world to know where I come from.  Refusing to know why continued secrecy would be safer.”

            “Safer for you,” he dared to say.

            “For us all,” she snapped.  “The Bann is not the only threat that would be unleashed with this knowledge.  And I will not be responsible for unleashing another powerful Tevinter Magister upon those I have come to care for!”  She froze up and held back a scream as the mark responded to her emotions and sparked, causing a shooting pain up her arm.  She knew she needed to calm herself, not just so the anchor would also calm down but to prevent herself from saying something she knew she would later regret.  Not to mention she needed to clear her mind of the dark thoughts that had grown progressively stronger.  Taking a deep breath and hoping the pain she felt wasn’t heard in her voice, she said, “It would better to continue this another time.  If you will excuse me.”

            She fled the Ambassador’s office to the war room, leaving behind her a room full of emotions ranging from shock to concern to fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment because they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)


	36. Thirty - Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Believe it or not, this chapter and the last one were supposed to be one chapter but it quickly became clear as I was typing it up that that would've been too long so I split it. The reason this second "half" took so long to post is because well... it still turned out REALLY long compared to other chapters and I was trying to see if I would be able to split it again. But since this centered heavily around a certain companion quest, there just wasn't a good place to split it. So here's a super long chapter for you all! And I've rambled on quite a bit there so I'll just let you get to reading now.... :)

            The door to the war room slammed shut as the Inquisitor stormed inside, around the table holding the map of Thedas and began pacing about.  She ripped off her left glove and clutched at the mark that was causing a burning pain to flow beneath her skin.  She focused on that pain, muttering to herself, though later she wouldn’t remember what she had said, and fighting against the all too familiar dark thoughts clouding her mind.  She wasn’t aware of how much time had passed but eventually the dark thoughts weakened, allowing her to think more clearly and to calm herself.  The mark then calmed, the pain vanishing and the green glow dimming.  She stopped her pacing and braced her hands on the stone sill of a window, looking out at the snow covered mountains and wishing she could bury herself in that snow.  Maybe she could just bang her head against the window glass for a few hours instead.

            She heard the door open and close behind but didn’t turn.  There was really only a handful of people that would’ve followed her to the war room after all of that.  “I think I’m developing a habit,” she said.

            “I was going to say you were breaking it.”  Shadow turned to see that it was her Spymaster who had entered.  The hooded woman walked around the table and offered a smile.  “You didn’t vanish this time.”

            “Not exactly the behavior of a true leader,” Shadow found herself muttering.

            Leliana’s face darkened and Shadow had a feeling that there was a line that she crossed.  “Stop that,” Leliana said, giving voice to the anger and frustration in her eyes.  “You continue to doubt yourself and believe we should as well.  Tell me, should we doubt ourselves?”

            Shadow’s eyes widened at the question.  “What?”

            Leliana continued, “Can we, your advisors, not be trusted?  Should the people not be trusted?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “No, that isn’t what -”

            Leliana cut her off, pressing on to make her point.  “When you continuously doubt yourself as our leader, scrutinizing everything you do and say you could do better, you do so to us as well.  We chose you to be Inquisitor because of who you are.  Your past has shaped you and your actions have defined you.  You do not need to change anything of yourself to be the leader we need because you have always been that leader.”

            Shadow stared at her in silence for a moment, taking in her words.  Eventually she asked, “You’ve been wanting to say that for a while haven’t you?”

            Leliana smiled, her anger leaving though a small part of the frustration remained.  That hadn’t been what she had planned to discuss with the Inquisitor but it was certainly something that needed to be said.  “It was either I or Cassandra.”

            Shadow tilted her head.  “Not Cullen or Josephine?”

            “They would’ve been too kind.”

            Shadow arched a brow.  “The Commander?”

            Leliana’s smile became a smirk.  “Especially the Commander.”  Shadow blushed and looked away.  “I suppose we are asking for you to change one thing.  This self-doubting.  That habit we wouldn’t mind seeing broken.”

            Shadow let out a heavy sigh.  “I’m working on it.”

            “That is all we ask.”  They both turned when a knock was heard and Leliana called out for whomever it was to enter.  Both were surprised to see a member of the Chantry enter.

            “Mother Giselle,” Shadow greeted.

            The woman bowed her head in greeting.  “Inquisitor.  There is something I wish to discuss with you.”  She glanced at Leliana.  “Alone.”

            Shadow was half tempted to say no, but Leliana shot her a look and smiled at Mother Giselle.  “I was just leaving as I need to speak with the Commander and Ambassador.  Are they still in Lady Montilyet’s office?”  Mother Giselle nodded and Leliana gave her a small bow of respect.  “Your Reverence.  Inquisitor.” 

Shadow warily turned to the Revered Mother as the Spymaster left.  She still respected the woman but since coming to Skyhold, she hadn’t spoken often with her.  Mainly because she was avoiding her so not to hear another argument about why Dorian shouldn’t be allowed to stay with the Inquisition.

“What do you wish to discuss?” asked Shadow.

“I have news regarding one of your companions.  The Tevinter.”

Shadow let out an impatient sigh when she heard the note of distaste in her voice.  “Mother Giselle, we’ve had this… disagreement far too many times.  Dorian is invaluable to the Inquisition and I will not ask him to leave.”

The Revered Mother actually appeared to be embarrassed by the reminder of their past discussions.  “I admit his presence here makes me uncomfortable, Inquisitor.  However my feelings are of no importance in this matter.”  _Oh really?_ thought Shadow.  “I have been in contact with his family.  House Pavus, out of Qarinus.  Are you familiar with them?”

Shadow immediately thought yes but kept that to herself.  Mother Giselle wasn’t aware of Shadow’s past with Tevinter or much of her past at all really.  She knew the Chantry woman was aware she was being kept out of the loop there, but thankfully she seemed to understand and wasn’t bitter about it.  “He’s mentioned his family but provided little information.  What he did share made it clear they are not on good terms.”  Shadow thought back to the one time Dorian had told her anything about his family and how he had made it clear he didn’t want to discuss them further.

_They were traveling to Skyhold, their mounts slowly and carefully making their way through the thick mountain snow.  Dorian rode to Shadow’s left while Solas rode to her right.  Shadow glanced over at the mustached man._

_“So what will you do now?”_

_Dorian looked over at her.  “What do you mean?”_

_“You left Tevinter to stop Alexius, correct?”_

_Dorian looked ahead as he hesitantly said, “Not exactly…”_

_Solas let out an irritated sigh and sarcastically said, “So plainly spoken.”_

_Dorian rolled his eyes and turned back to Shadow.  “I am the Scion of House Pavus, a product of generations of careful breeding and repository of its hopes and dreams.”  Shadow gazed at him with concern at the bitter bite in his words.  “Naturally, I despised it all; the lies, the scheming, the illusions of supremacy.  You remember.”  Shadow nodded while Solas shot him a glare at the mention of her past.  “Needless to say, my family was not happy with my choices.”_

_“Why would your family be upset with your choices?” asked Shadow.  She had heard a little about House Pavus during her time in Tevinter, mostly good (from a slave’s point of view) although there were rumors of blood magic._

_“Because I rejected their idyllic plan,” he spat, anger growing.  “If they had their way, by now I’d be married to some unlucky girl from a powerful family.  I left to lessen their embarrassment.”  Dorian signaled the end of the discussion by urging his mount ahead of theirs.  Shadow watched him ride ahead, feeling that there was more to it than just not marrying someone but also understanding that he was not yet willing to talk about it._

Shadow was brought back from her memories when Mother Giselle continued their conversation.  “Yes, I believe you are correct.  The family sent a letter describing the estrangement from their son and pleading for my aid.”  Shadow tilted her head, thinking about how strange that sounded.  Why is _she_ talking to a Tevinter family?  What are they seeking aid from _her_ , a southern Chantry woman?  And just how did these letters slip past Leliana?  “They’ve asked to arrange a meeting.  Quietly, without telling him.  They fear it’s the only way he’ll come.”  Shadow narrowed her eyes as her suspicion increased.  “Since you are on good terms with the young man, I’d hoped…”

Shadow started to cross her arms, remembered she still had a glove on, removed it and then crossed her arms.  She found her head full of far too many questions and she had to restrain herself from just blurting them out.  She took a moment to reconstruct them to be less blunt, or at least a little less rude.  She gave Mother Giselle a hard stare.  “Why would his family contact _you_?”

Mother Giselle seemed to quickly pick up on the Inquisitor’s wariness as she took her time to carefully word her answer.  “Because they do not know you, Inquisitor.  I am not of the Imperial Chantry,” Shadow arched a brow at the hint of venom when she said that, “but they know what I represent.  These are parents concerned about the welfare of their son.  How could I not do whatever possible?  I would speak to the young man myself but… he does not care for me.”  _Huh, I wonder why?_ Shadow wondered.  “Thus I come to you.  If any good can come of this, we must try.”

Shadow was liking this less and less and she could feel her anger growing.  Just how much longer would she have kept these exchanges quiet if she hadn’t encountered this obstacle?  Shadow wasn’t fooled by Mother Giselle’s worried tone and concerned words.  She knew that the Chantry woman no doubt saw this as an opportunity to rid herself of Dorian and Shadow was finding it difficult to remember why she liked the woman outside of conversations involving the man.

“They’re concerned about the welfare of their son but want to _trick_ him into meeting with them,” Shadow said with skepticism.  “I’m sorry, Mother Giselle, but that doesn’t sound right.”

Mother Giselle attempted to explain.  “They believe the young man would refuse and the letter implies he’d have just cause.  Yet they are remorseful for whatever came before.  This is a chance for dialogue.”  Shadow frowned, not feeling any better about Dorian’s family’s intentions.  What else but angry words could come from such trickery?  Mother Giselle continued when she noted the Inquisitor’s disbelief.  “There is deceit in bringing the young man to this meeting without his foreknowledge, I know.  But… does it not lead to a greater kindness if there is potential for reconciliation?”

Shadow almost shouted no in anger but held her tongue just in time.  She couldn’t believe that the woman who had given her great advice in the past was trying to pass this argument off as logical and morally alright.  Shadow wasn’t even sure if Dorian was interested in reconciling with his family and she highly doubted the best way to find out was to force him to meet with his family.  She may still be learning how relationships, especially families, worked but she was pretty sure deceit only lead to bad results no matter the intentions.

“Just what kind of ‘meeting’ do they have in mind?” she asked, her voice cool.

“I believe they just want to talk, to understand why Dorian felt he had to come here.  Somewhere private.  Away from Skyhold.  But not in Tevinter,” she quickly added when Shadow’s eyes narrowed further.  “As I said, they don’t know you and I think you make them nervous.”  _Good_.  “They wrote that they don’t understand why he’s with the Inquisition and they want him to return home.  I suspect however that there is more to all of this than either of us understands.”

_Is that really the only suspicion you have?  That there is more to what has caused a rift between him and his family?  Not the demand for secrecy or to meet away from the safety of Skyhold?_   Shadow leaned against the table as she voiced this concern.  “Their insistence for secrecy has me worried that this is a trap.”

Mother Giselle looked down briefly and slowly replied, “That did occur to me.  What if it is a plot of those radicals… the Venatori?  Another reason to put this in your hands, Inquisitor.”

Ah, so Mother Giselle not only knew she wouldn’t have been able to trick Dorian herself but that she would’ve been unable to handle an attack if this proved to be a trap.  Shadow was now full on glaring at her.  “How come you didn’t bring this to my attention immediately?  Or my Spymaster?  She could’ve determined if these letters were laying the foundation for a trap.  Not to mention that Dorian is a close friend of mine.  You should’ve immediately informed me that you were speaking with his family.”

Mother Giselle appeared nervous by Shadow’s increasingly cooling tone.  She had never used it with her before, showing just how angry she was about this situation.  “I did not want to trouble the Inquisition with this.  I did not wish to distract you from larger, more important concerns.”

“More important than letters from Tevinter, the country from which our enemy originates?”

The Revered Mother clasped her hands together tightly.  “I am sorry Inquisitor.  I meant well.  And though I pray that this is not the case, if there is treachery here, I know that you are far better equipped than I to respond to it.”

Shadow glared at her in silence for a few minutes, struggling to keep her anger from exploding.  She honestly couldn’t tell if the woman was sincere in her apology or not but she was finding it difficult to believe she was.  If the woman could’ve carried out this whole thing on her own, pushing Dorian out of the Inquisition and under everyone’s nose, then she no doubt would’ve.

Shadow finally spoke again.  “And you agree with his family that it would be best to keep Dorian in the dark?”  When Mother Giselle nodded, Shadow couldn’t keep her anger in any longer.  She threw her hands in the air and nearly shouted, “Unbelievable!  If you think I’m going to lie to him, trick him into meeting with his family…”  She couldn’t finish, instead let out an angry growl and ran a hand through her hair.

Mother Giselle sighed in disappointment.  “I feared you might say that.  The family will be sending a retainer to meet the young man at the tavern in Redcliffe Village to take him onward.”  Shadow froze at hearing this piece of information.  Why the Void didn’t she mention that before?  Shadow knew that the Divine would be disappointed with how tempted she was to wring the Chantry woman’s neck.  “If he truly does not wish this reunion, he can always end the matter there.”  She reached within her robes and withdrew a parchment.  “I pray you change your mind, Inquisitor.  Perhaps this letter will persuade you.”  Shadow took the letter from Mother Giselle and watched as she moved to the door.  She paused a moment in opening it.  “If there is any chance of success in this, it behooves us to act.”  With those final words, she left the war room.

“I’m telling Leliana to spy on you next, Revered Mother,” Shadow muttered.  She opened the letter in her hands and began to read.

_Your Reverence,_

_I understand that you feel in adequate to the task of bringing Dorian to a secret meeting.  Even in the asking, I find it difficult to believe myself.  Considering my son has rebuffed all contact, this is the only way.  I know my son; he would be too proud to come if he knew – even just to talk.  That is all we wish to do.  The thought of Dorian in the south, placing himself in the path of such danger, alarms us more than I can express._

_If this somehow succeeds, we have a family retainer at the Vandral Hills watching for Dorian’s arrival.  He will bring the boy to us, somewhere private.  If Dorian utterly refuses to go with him, it ends there… and there is nothing we can do.  We are at our wit’s end._

_Graciously Yours,_

_Magister Halward of House Pavus_

            “Oh shit,” Shadow said.  “Dorian is going to be pissed.”

***

            “‘I know my son’!”  Dorian shouted, crumpling his father’s letter in his hands.  Shadow watched silently as he paced the room.  “What my father knows of me would barely fill a thimble.  This is so typical!”

            Shadow felt concerned about his increasing anger, worried that if she could sense his magic being pulled to him in the room, any nearby Templar might too and overreact.  Thankfully, Dorian’s room was close to the library in the tower and very few of the Templars would go near that library since it was common for mages to gather there.  The chances of a Templar sensing Dorian’s magic was therefore fairly low but she was still worried all the same.

            She was also a little confused.  She turned to the Qunari sitting on Dorian’s bed.  “Why are you here again?” she asked Bull.  When she had gone to tell Dorian about the letter, she had found him in the library as per usual and had also found Bull there, annoying the mage by sitting in “his” seat.  When she had said she needed to speak with him and suggested they do so privately, Bull had followed them back to Dorian’s room, who hadn’t protested the action.

            Bull shrugged as he leaned back against the headboard.  “Saving one if not both of you from hunting me down and telling me all of this later.”  Shadow narrowed her eyes at him, not buying his answer.  His lips curved up a little and he slightly shook his head, careful not to hit the wall with his horns.  “That’s the only answer you’re getting Boss.”

            Shadow was prevented from questioning him further when Dorian spoke again.  “I’m willing to bet this ‘retainer’ is a henchman hired to knock me on the head and drag me back to Tevinter.”

            Shadow’s eyes showed her surprise.  “Would your father really do that?”  She might not have a whole lot of faith in Magisters but she figured there had to be some lines Dorian’s father wouldn’t cross, at least with his own son.

            “I wouldn’t put it past him.”  Dorian paused for a moment in his pacing.  “Maybe.”

            Bull snorted.  “That would be hard to do while we stood there.  Especially me.”  Shadow shot him a look and he spread his hands, smiling.  “Just being truthful Boss.”  Shadow rolled her eyes but also couldn’t prevent a smile at his confident, some would say cocky, attitude.

            Dorian shook his head while waving a hand, the crumpled letter still in the other.  “He expects me to travel with Mother Giselle, although Maker knows why he’d think I would.”  Dorian paused again in his movements and shuddered.  “Can you imagine me traveling with that woman?”  Bull began to chuckle at seeing the horrified expression on the mage’s face but stopped when Shadow shot him another look.  He didn’t bother hiding his smile however.  Dorian whirled to face them.  “Let’s go.”  Shadow raised a brow at the commanding tone.  “Let’s meet this so called ‘family retainer’.  If it’s a trap, we escape and kill everyone!  You’re both good at that.”

            Shadow rolled her eyes again and said “Thanks” while Bull nodded and proudly stated “Damn right”.

            “If it’s not, I send the man back to my father with the message that he can stick his alarm in his ‘wit’s end’!”  With those final words, he set the letter aflame in his hands, turning it to ash in seconds.

            Shadow watched as what little remained of the letter fell to the floor.  “There seems to be a lot more… bad blood between you and your family then you’ve previously indicated.”

            Dorian let out a humorless laugh, earning himself a calculating look from the Iron Bull.  “Interesting turn of phrase.  But you’re correct.  They don’t care for my choices, nor I for theirs.”

            Shadow glanced at Bull, not sure if she should continue her line of questioning while he was present but then decided that if Dorian hadn’t wanted him to know of any of this, he would’ve asked him to leave.  “Because you wouldn’t marry and left?” she asked, experiencing that feeling again that there was more to it than that but yet Dorian’s response hadn’t provided new information.

            Dorian kicked at the pile of ash on the ground.  “That too.”

            Bull got to his feet and made his way across the room.  Shadow tilted her head as he paused to whisper something in Dorian’s ear before he turned to face her, leaving what appeared to be an even angrier mage although Shadow thought she detected something else in his eyes, something she couldn’t put a name to.  She turned her attention to Bull when he asked, “When do we head out Boss?”

            “Tomorrow.  First light.”  She still needed to speak with her advisors about this and she had a feeling there would be some protest.  No doubt Cullen would attempt to send a small portion of the Inquisition army with them and Josephine would say that she couldn’t leave without responding to the pile of unread letters on her desk.  But she had a feeling that Leliana would support her in this and will be able to help her convince the others to go along with it.

            Bull gave her a nod.  “I’ll tell the Chargers to be ready.”  Shadow smiled at him, grateful that he knew what she was going to ask.  She knew that it would be a bad plan to bring too large of a party but it would also be foolish not to at least have a secondary group waiting at a nearby camp in case something were to go wrong.  Also, it would be easier to convince Cullen to go along with this if she had the Bull’s Chargers with her.  Bull returned her smile and left.

            Shadow stared at Dorian for a moment as he gazed after Bull though it was clear that his thoughts were not on the Qunari warrior.  Shadow crossed over to him, gently touched his arm and offered him a comforting smile.  When his eyes flickered over to hers, she gave his arm a reassuring squeeze and when his expression softened and his eyes appeared a little less tortured, she too left.

***

            The journey to the Hinterlands was relatively peaceful as they encountered only one rift needing closing and the villages they traveled through were very welcoming.  The only tension felt in the group was centered around an uncharacteristically silent mage, understandably so.  For the first few days many in the group attempted to speak with Dorian, but when he continued to ignore everyone or deliver some rather nasty comments when he was especially annoyed, he was soon left alone with his thoughts.  Even Sera let him be eventually, turning her attention to teasing Solas or Cassandra.

            Initially only Cassandra was to join them on the journey to Redcliffe, requested by Shadow to for a couple of reasons.  One being that her unique abilities would come in handy if they were to be ambushed by Tevinter mages and the other that her presence, along with the Chargers, helped convince Cullen not to send additional soldiers with them.  Before leaving Skyhold, however, they were joined by Solas and Cole, the former explaining that he had recently learned there were some ancient elven artifacts in the Hinterlands that could prove to be useful in strengthening the Veil and the latter saying he wanted to help.  Then another addition to their party arrived not long after they left Skyhold.  Sera had appeared as if she were running for her life, pushing her mount to the poor thing’s limit in order to catch up to them.  Shadow wasn’t able to get a clear answer from the cursing elf, but Sera’s “escape” from the fortress seemed to involve an angry head cook and cookies.

            When they arrived to the Crossroads in the Hinterlands, Shadow had to stop her horse as she took in the changes from the last time she was here.  Gone were the cots filled with injured and dying and the huddled groups of frightened refugees.  Now with the Templar and mage fighting done, life had returned to normal with the addition of Inquisition soldiers and some belong to the Crown.  Shadow smiled at hearing laughter instead of crying.  She didn’t stop for long and actually urged everyone onward quickly when the people began to notice and recognize her.  She still wasn’t comfortable with the look the people got when they realized she was the “Herald of Andraste”.  The Chargers remained behind while the rest of the party continued to Redcliffe village. 

As they rode the trail to the village, Shadow caught a quick glimpse of Redcliffe castle.  It had only been a day or two after Alexius had vacated the castle that the King of Ferelden and Arl Teagan had arrived to take it back.  After confirming it abandoned, King Alistair was quick to order repairs on the castle and sent much needed aid to those in the village.  Shadow received many updates to how things were progressing in the village and was pleased to hear everything was going well and that trade had resumed within the Hinterlands.  As suggested by Josephine, she had ordered her people to stand back and allow the King’s men to help the villagers and offer their aid if needed, sending a clear message to the King that the Inquisition was not interested in taking anything from him but only offering assistance.  So far, the message had been well received by the King although there were whispers that the Arl was becoming uncomfortable with their continued presence.

As they approached the village gate, Shadow found her attention once again drawn to a certain elf bent on causing trouble with another elf.

“You can make magic anywhere, Solas?”  Sera leaned closer to him from her mount and shot him a mischievous grin.  “Ever piss it by accident?”  Shadow kept her face forward so as to not reveal her smile at the ridiculous question.

“No.  Wait…”  Everyone turned to look at him as he hesitated before confirming, “No.”

Sera’s eyes widened in surprise at the unexpected answer.  “What?  How would you not remember something like that?”

Solas gave her a bored look.  “We were all young once.”  He urged his mount closer to the Inquisitor’s, ignoring Sera’s rebuttal comment, something about him being old.  They all drew to a halt just outside the gate.  “Inquisitor, Cole and I will take our leave here.  We will meet you at sundown back at the outskirts camp.”

“Be careful,” Shadow ordered.  Solas nodded and he and Cole took off to the east.  Shadow, Dorian, Bull, Cassandra, and Sera entered the village, leaving their mounts at the stables.  Cassandra looked over the now thriving village and said, “It is good to see the area healing.”  Shadow nodded, watching as a group of children ran by laughing and playing.  She thought about the children in Skyhold, both mage and layman, and hoped they felt just as free as these even within the stone walls of the fortress.

As they made their way through the village, people would stop in their activities and stare at their group and whispering.  Shadow caught the word “Inquisitor” and knew they spoke of her.  A couple of braver folk would attempt to approach them, but either a look from Bull or a short “The Inquisitor has business here” from Cassandra would deter them.  Soon they reached the tavern, stopping just outside.  Shadow noted the lack of activity in the area, remembering how crowded it had been last time.  She also noted the lack of noise coming from within.

“I wonder how much my father paid this man to wait around just in case I showed,” Dorian whispered.

Shadow turned to the others and ordered, “Wait here for us.”

Bull crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at her.  “Boss…”

Shadow shook her head.  “If too many of us go in there, it’ll appear as if we mean to attack.”  Dorian began to mumble something but she ignored him.

“And if it is a trap?” demanded Cassandra.

“Then you’ll be in there in a matter of seconds.”  Shadow saw Bull’s displeased expression and firmly said, “That is an order, the Iron Bull.”

Sera jumped and shouted, “Oh!  She used the THE!  She’s being all Inquizzy.”  Cassandra shot the elf a glare and Shadow rolled her eyes before bringing her gaze back to Bull.  Eventually, he gave her a slow nod and Shadow and Dorian entered the tavern.  Immediately, they noticed the absence of people, including the bartender.

“Uh oh,” said Dorian, gripping his staff tightly.  “Nobody’s here.”  He looked at Shadow.  “This doesn’t bode well.”

Shadow nodded but didn’t take her bow out of its harness on her back.  “Cullen is going to kill me.  After Bull of course.”

“Dorian.”  They both whipped around, Shadow now taking out her bow and drawing it while Dorian began to summon fire.  Both stood down when they saw just one lone mad standing at the bottom of the stairs to the second floor.  Shadow put away the arrow but kept her bow in hand.  Dorian’s fire went out and his stood in surprise as the man came into the light, revealing his face.

“Father.”  Shadow took a step back, partly in surprise at the unexpected presence of Dorian’s father and partly because of the instinctive panic that flared at seeing the Magister.  Even if Dorian hadn’t said anything, she would’ve seen known who this was as she noticed the similarities between the two.  Dorian seemed to sense her discomfort and lightly touched her arm, keeping his eyes on the man before them.  “So the whole story about the ‘family retainer’ was just… what?  A smoke screen?”

“Then you were told.”  Magister Halward looked to Shadow, noting his son’s hand on her arm and how tense she appeared.  He gave her an apologetic look.  “I apologize for the deception Inquisitor.  I never intended for you to be involved.” 

Shadow arched a brow at his wording, pushing her old fears back.  Before she could give a response, Dorian put himself in front of her, angered by his father addressing her.  “Of course not,” he spat.  “Magister Pavus couldn’t come to Skyhold and be seen with the dread Inquisitor.  What would people think?”

“Dorian,” Shadow whispered, attempting to calm him as a familiar red glow began to appear about him.  He ignored her though.

“What is ‘this’ exactly Father?  Ambush?  Kidnapping? _Warm family reunion_?  Is Mother going to appear to provide a nagging comment?”

Halward sighed, still gazing at Shadow.  “This is how it has always been.”

Shadow frowned at him.  _Does he think I’m his friend here?_   “Considering you’ve lied to everyone, most importantly him, in order to get him here, Dorian has every right to be furious.”

Dorian turned to her, startling her with the sudden move that gave her an up close look at the fury in his eyes.  “You don’t know the half of it!  But maybe you should.”

Halward attempted to prevent him from continuing, “Dorian, there’s no need to -”

“I prefer the company of men,” Dorian announced.  “And my father disapproves.”

There was a moment of silence in which Halward stared at the floor, hiding his expression, Dorian alternated between glaring at his father and staring at Shadow expectantly, and Shadow glanced between the two, trying to come up with a response other than the one she had.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t come up with anything better.

“Um,” she cautiously started.  “That’s not exactly news.”

Dorian through his hands in the air, almost hitting Shadow with his staff.  “And why should it be?  Why should anyone care?  I have no idea!”

Halward finally looked up, a stern expression on his face.  “This display is uncalled for.”

“No.  It is called for.  You called for it by luring me here!” Dorian shouted.

Halward’s expression fell, filling with pain.  “This is not what I wanted.”

Dorian’s face mirrored his father’s.  “I’m never what you wanted, Father, or had you forgotten.”

Shadow waited for an explanation.  She knew that same sex relations were frowned upon in Tevinter, probably more so than in the south even with the Chantry’s disapproval of it, and that it was no doubt a big reason why Dorian refused an arranged marriage.  However, the amount of rage coming from her friend and the shame she was seeing in the father indicated that there was something more going on here.  Something else had to have occurred to warrant such strong emotions.

Dorian noticed her confusion and took it upon himself to explain.  “Even in your position you would’ve noticed how every Tevinter family was - is – intermarrying to distill the perfect mage, perfect body, perfect mind.  The perfect leader.”  He turned his stormy gaze back to his father, not noticing Shadow’s eyes widen at his slip.  “It means every perceived flaw – every aberration – is deviant and shameful, it must be hidden.”

Shadow saw pain mix with anger, understanding the first but not the extreme of the second still.  “Preferring the company of men and refusing to marry… that isn’t what all of this is about is it?” she asked carefully.

“No,” Dorian growled.  “It’s not.”

“Dorian please,” his father begged.  “If you’ll only listen to me.”

“Why?”  Dorian began to stalk slowly toward his father and pointed at him.  “So you can spout more convenient lies?”  He lunged at his father, invading his space and startling the man into taking a step back.  “ _He_ taught me to hate blood magic.  ‘The resort of the weak mind.’  Those are _his_ words!”  Shadow thought back to those rumors she had heard during her years in Tevinter and felt sick at where this was going.  Dorian stormed away from his father as he continued to shout, “But what was the first thing you did when your precious heir refused to play pretend for the rest of his life?”  He turned back, heartbroken.  “You tried to _change_ me!”  Shadow glared at Dorian’s father, the sick feeling turning to anger.  How could the man even think of doing that to his own son?  She began to give serious thought to drawing a dagger… or calling in the Iron Bull.

Dorian’s father attempted to defend his actions, “I only wanted what was best for you!”

Dorian got in his face again, raging once again.  “You wanted the best for you!  For your fucking legacy!”  Pain leaked into his voice again.  “Anything for that.”  He walked away, shoulders down, and moved to the bar.  He placed his hands on the counter and leaned forward, his head hanging low.  Shadow glared at Halward, refusing to soften her expression when she noted his devastated stance.  But then she looked at Dorian’s hunched figure, back at his father, and then back to him.  She tapped her fingers against her leg as she thought about what to do and her memory flashed back to the Trevelyans for a moment.  She let out a sigh and made her way over to Dorian.

She lightly placed a hand to his shoulder.  “Don’t leave it like this, Dorian.”  He gave her a disbelieving look.  “I’m saying this for you, not for him.  You’ll never forgive yourself if you leave it like this.”  He stared at her for a moment before pushing himself back up and turned back to his father.

“Tell me why you came,” he demanded.  Shadow moved back to the door, putting her bow back in its harness.

“If I knew I would drive you to the Inquisition…”  The Magister frowned and seemed to shoot Shadow a disgusted look.  She narrowed her eyes at him and held her left hand to her chest as the mark reacted.  The Magister’s gaze turned wary.

Dorian placed himself in front of his father, effectively blocking Shadow from his sight once again.  “ _You_ didn’t.  I joined the Inquisition because it is the _right_ thing to do.  Once, I had a father who would have known that.”  His father’s face seemed to crumble and he looked down at the ground.  When he didn’t speak, Dorian shook his head and began to make his way to the door.

“Once,” Dorian stopped when his father spoke, “I had a son who trusted me.  A trust I betrayed.  I only wanted to talk to him.  To hear his voice again.  To ask him to forgive me.”  Dorian turned back in surprise and glanced at Shadow.  She nodded in encouragement.

“I’ll wait outside,” she said softly and left them to talk alone.

***

            An hour later, Dorian and his father stepped out of the tavern.  Shadow and the others got to their feet and waited for… something.  Shadow carefully studied the two mages and saw that they both appeared tired.  While his father remained back, Dorian approached them.  “We should go if we want to meet Solas and Cole on time.”  Shadow nodded and they all turned to leave but stopped when his father called out.

            “Inquisitor.  A word.”  Shadow felt surprised that the man wished to speak with her but indicated that the others continue on and she will catch up.  Bull refused but the others did as she requested.  With Bull watching every move, Shadow walked back to the Magister and he said, “I wanted to thank -”

            “Don’t,” she interrupted.  “I didn’t do it for you.  I did it for Dorian, my friend.  You may regret breaking his trust in you and pushing him away but I’m not sure if you regret your actions that led to that break.”

            Halward tilted his head in acknowledgement.  “I do not blame you.  It is good to see that my son has found such loyal friends,” his gaze flickered the Qunari warrior waiting behind her, “in the south.”

            Shadow gave a sharp nod and made to leave believing that was that.  But then he continued and what he asked caused her to freeze.  “How long ago was it when you… left Tevinter?”  Shadow quickly turned back, shocked by the revelation that he _knew_.  He didn’t seem to want to alarm her as he explained calmly, “My son’s words towards you and your reactions toward me… subtle but I understood.”

            Shadow glared at him, angry at him for causing her to feel that old fear again and angry at herself for still feeling it.  **_You’ll never be rid of it._**   “You understand nothing,” she snapped.

            “I understand that you have every right to hate my country and its people.  Yet you’ve treated my son with respect and have defended him.”  Magister Halward gave her a low bow, surprising her yet again.  “For that, I thank you Inquisitor.  Please continue to protect my son.”  With that, he turned and left the other way.  Shadow jumped when a voice spoke right in her ear.

            “That him, yeah?” asked Sera.  “Did something bad to our friend?”

            Shadow sighed.  “Yes.  But he claims he’s trying to earn forgiveness.”

            Sera blew a raspberry and said, “Needs to be knocked down a little first, right?  Lose some of that high and mightiness about him.”

            Shadow gave the elf girl a smile.  “That might help.”

***

            A few days after leaving the Hinterlands on their journey back to Skyhold, they settled near a small river for the night.  As the Chargers set up the camp, Shadow noticed Dorian make his way closer to the river and sit himself on a rock, his staff resting against his shoulder.  He hadn’t spoken of what occurred in Redcliffe yet and no one had pushed him to, but Shadow wondered if perhaps he might be willing to tonight.  She made eye contact with Bull and Cassandra, indicated where she was going and then joined him, sitting on a fallen log next to him.  For a few minutes, the two of them sat side by side in silence, staring into the running water now illuminated by the camp fires behind them.

            “He says we’re alike,” Dorian eventually said.  “Too much pride.  Once I would have been overjoyed to hear him say that.  Now I’m not certain.”  He looked down at his hands while Shadow remained silent, allowing him to continue at his own pace.  “I don’t know if I can forgive him.”  He fisted his hands.  “The blood ritual he planned to perform, it could’ve left me a drooling vegetable.  Not to mention the number of slaves who would’ve died.”  He glanced at Shadow.  “It takes a lot of blood to alter a mind.  It crushed me to think he found that absurd risk preferable to scandal.  Part of me has always hoped he didn’t really want to go through with it.  If he had…”  Dorian closed his eyes in grief.  “I can’t even imagine the person I would be now.  I wouldn’t like that Dorian.  You wouldn’t either.”

            Shadow smiled.  “No doubt.  I much prefer the Dorian that haunts Skyhold’s library, protests all things Ferelden, and,” she nudged his shoulder, “has become the closest friend I’ve ever had.”

            Dorian returned her smile.  “To be fair, two of those I would’ve done either way.”

            They sat in comfortable silence some more before Shadow spoke again.  “Will you two continue to talk?  I’m sure we could find a way to keep your messages private from even Leliana.”  _We could ask Mother Giselle,_ she mentally added.

            Dorian shrugged.  “We can try.  It’s a start after all.  Past that though, I’m not sure.”  He turned to face her completely.  “Thank you for bringing me out there.  It wasn’t what I expected but… it was something.”

            Shadow nodded and something back at camp caught her eye.  She watched as Sera began to argue with Dalish, no doubt about her “bow”.  The Inquisitor smiled.  “Sera stole his breeches.”

            Dorian looked first at her in surprise and then back towards the camp at the elf.  “Did she really?”

            Shadow chuckled.  “Snuck into his camp that night before we left the Hinterlands and snatched them as he slept.  All of them.”

            “She _is_ a strange one, possibly the strangest in our little group.  I should thank her.”  He let out a loud laugh, the first genuine laugh in days.  “The man must’ve been mortified when he tried to dress that next morning.”  Another few minutes of quiet thinking settled between the two, though Dorian occasionally let out a chuckle as he pictured his father discovering all of his pants were gone.  Then he seemed to suddenly remember something and turned to Shadow.  “You know, it just occurred to me that this whole time I’ve been so focused on me that I never asked how your first meeting with the rather handsome Lord Trevelyan and his well-aged Templar uncle went.”  When Shadow didn’t answer, didn’t even smile at his jest, he sighed in understanding.  “That bad?”

            Shadow hid her face in her hands, muffling her voice as she answered, “I ran.”  She looked back up.  “It was going… well not perfect but okay for a bit there but then…”

            “Then?” Dorian encouraged.

            “Waylon got upset when we explained that we wished to keep it all a secret and demanded that I return to the Free Marchers with him, confront our father and reveal to the whole of Thedas who I am.”

            “You said ‘our’.”

            “They are my flesh and blood, there is no doubt in my mind about that,” Shadow firmly said then sighed.  “I’m just not ready to…”

            “Tell the rest of the world?  Confront the Bann Trevelyan?” Dorian suggested.

            “Both.”

            “Well, it was fairly inconsiderate of him to try and take our fearless leader away from us.  What with crazy Tevinter Magisters stirring up trouble.  Not to mention the problem with Corypheus.”  Shadow snorted.  “So this trip was also a way to avoid speaking with him?”

            Shadow’s eyes widened and she quickly turned to him.  “No, no, no!  This was all about you!  Well, initially it was.  I hadn’t even thought that until I talked with my advisors and Josephine accused me of the same thing.  Then it partly became part of the reason to go to Redcliffe because I really wasn’t ready to speak with him again but I swear, this whole journey was mostly about you.  I haven’t hardly thought of the Trevelyans for the past week!”

            Dorian shook her shoulder and tried to calm her.  “Shadow, it’s okay.  I know you did all of this for me and honestly, if you got something for yourself out of my family drama, it would make me feel much better and a little less selfish.”  She took a deep breath and smiled apologetically.  “So, are _you_ going to speak with them again or go with my original plan with how to deal with problems and ignore them until they leave?”

            Shadow shook her head.  “No, I need to speak with them.  Ignoring them wouldn’t solve anything.  Actually I decided that right before I told you to talk with your father.  No, I need to sit my brothers and uncle down and explain everything.”

            “Everything?”

            “My time in Tevinter, my escape, the problems that could arise if _they_ were to discover what I’ve become.”  She looked down at her arms, bare since her sleeves were rolled up.  “ _Everything_.”

            Dorian took her hands into his and smiled at her.  “It’ll be fine.  They appear to be good people, despite some of your other relatives, and they will no doubt understand and respect your wishes.  Of course, I may be a bit bias.  The men in your family are very pleasing to the eye.”

            Shadow laughed, “Dorian!”

            He patted her cheek.  “And the women of course if you’re anything to go by.”

            She pushed him away.  “Dorian, we’re related remember?  You told me that yourself!”

            He waved a hand dismissively.  “Distantly.  We happen to reside in the same large family tree and share one leaf that is so many generations removed, he was no doubt long dead before either of our great-great grandparents were even born.  We’re kissing cousins.”

            “I’m not sure that means what you think it means.”

            “It means whatever I want it too.”

            Shadow shoved him off his rock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos keep me happy and writing. :D


	37. Thirty - Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG you guys have no idea how happy I am to have finished this chapter. Tomorrow, I go on vacation and while I will be working on the next chapter (I swear I will be - I promise!) I won't be typing anything nor updating again for at least a week. So I'm super happy to not only be giving you a chapter before I leave, but a rather long one and a pretty critical one. Just please keep in mind when you reach the end that I am working on the next one. So please please please don't hurt me! ENJOY!

            The talk with the Trevelyans – her family - went better than she had expected.  First, when she had approached them in their rooms rather than calling them to her and attempted to apologize for her abrupt exit, Waylon wouldn’t allow her to apologize and had expressed his guilt at how he had acted and said that it should’ve been them coming to her since they were the offending party, not she.  Shadow had a sneaky feeling that Cullen might’ve had something to do with Waylon’s words as he had continued to explain that it had been brought to their attention after she had left that they didn’t know anything about her life and the dangers she has faced and continued to do so, thus they – he – had no right to act as if they knew what was best for her.  Byron had then asked her to help them understand the danger she faced, Waylon echo the request.

            So Shadow had told them everything she had told her advisors and inner circle the night she accepted the position of Inquisitor.  She shared the years of terror while she was a slave, the nights where reality and dreams were difficult to separate, her method of escaping the prison of her mind and her eventual escape from Tevinter.  Their reactions were centered around anger with Byron and Nigel both expressing their desire to smite the Tevinter mages that had harmed her and Waylon muttering dark promises of war upon the man responsible for her enslavement and those that had called themselves her masters.  When Shadow expressed her surprise at their lack of disgust and shock at her scars, Byron had pulled down the collar of his shirt and showed her the long scar that passed over his collarbone and disappeared beneath his shirt, explaining how his late father had attacked him one day due to some rebellious act on his part that he could no longer recall.  He showed her a few others that he had gathered over the years, many due to his Templar duties.  Nigel showed her a few of his own and she was surprised when Waylon also showed her burn scars on his arms and torso, mumbling about the Bann being in an “especially bad mood that day”.  Shadow knew it was their way to show that they didn’t find the scars themselves offensive but she couldn’t understand why they weren’t disgusted with how she acquired them.

            “Scars, no matter how they are received, are testimonies to our strength rather than our weakness.  The circumstances that lead to the wounds, whether they be applied by others or ourselves, were dire ones that should never be taken lightly nor seen as trivial.”  Byron had laid a hand on her arm.  “You’ve seen this course of action as your only release from a darkness you’ve struggled with for years.  While a dangerous option, it is not something to be ashamed of.”  Shadow had begun to cry silently when she saw the tears in her uncle’s eyes.  “You have fought a hard and long battle, Shadow, and may still have a long fight ahead of you. But you are no longer alone in that fight.”  That day, Shadow learned the safety and love found in the arms of family.

            While her family had shown their displeasure at her insistence not to share the names of those she knew in Tevinter, they agreed that it would be best not to reveal her birthright until circumstances were better all around.  In the meantime, Waylon and Byron would gather more evidence of the Bann’s sinister actions and also collect more allies for the Inquisition.  Shadow was concerned for their safety in this endeavor and had approached Leliana about sending some of her agents with them back to the Free Marches to help them in their mission and also keep them safe.

            Over the next few days, she spent as much time as she could with her new found family outside of her duties as Inquisitor.  She learned more about her other brother and sister but the subject of their mother was generally avoided by Waylon and Nigel, however Byron would provide some stories about his sister-in-law.  She couldn’t explain why it was so important but when she saw how well her uncle and Commander were getting along, she felt relieved.  The two men spent a great deal of time together, integrating the new Templars into the Inquisition’s forces which went rather smoothly despite the relaxed rules regarding the mages.  Shadow noticed there was a tension between Cullen and Waylon but whenever she would ask either man about it, they would claim that there was no problem.  Josephine assured her that it was normal for the eldest sibling to have… issue with any close man in their sister’s life not related by blood.  When Shadow said that was ridiculous, the Ambassador had laughed and said that when it came to overprotective males, sense was rarely applied.

            Eventually though, the young Lord Waylon and Knight-Commander Trevelyan had to return to Ostwick.  Shadow found herself dreading their leaving and when an opportunity arose that would allow her to travel part of the way through Ferelden with them, she took it.  Back when they had returned from the Hinterlands, Sera had come to Shadow and her advisors during one of their meetings and requested their aid in dealing with some nobles that were making life difficult for the common folk.  Since this was near Crestwood where they now had a stronghold, Cullen had agreed to marching the soldiers through the village, making known to these nobles that the Inquisition was watching.  Now Sera had come to her with the news that her “friend” that had informed her of the trouble was ready to give her their reward for the help.  And since this meet took place in the Crestwood area, Shadow decided that they would travel with Waylon and Byron there and they would continue on toward the coast.  However, while Shadow was pleased to spend a little more time with her brother and uncle, she couldn’t help but feel guilty that she still couldn’t travel to the Emerald Graves, as a travel band had been placed on the region until the giants in the area migrated back across the river.

            Nigel also joined Shadow’s team to Crestwood which was made up of Sera, Blackwall, Merrill, and Isabela.  Sera wasn’t happy that yet another Dalish mage was traveling with them and learned she couldn’t annoy the constantly cheerful elf, so she attempted to avoid her throughout their journey.  When they reached Caer Bronach, their stronghold in Crestwood, Waylon and Byron declined to stay the night, anxious to return home quickly.  Shadow and Nigel had stood together as they watched the two men ride out of the region, the former happy that they didn’t have to worry about that one dragon.

            Since the meet hadn’t taken place until the next day after nightfall, Shadow had decided to take care of any Inquisition business in the area.  There was still plenty of clean up needed after the draining of the lake and ending the rising of the dead.  And while the dragon was gone, there were still some dangerous creatures in the area, such as a wyvern and her young, and there were bandits that were attempting to move into the area.  Shadow and her companions dealt with most of these until it was time for the meet and then traveled to the east side of the area where they were – surprise, surprise – ambushed.  Sera had let out a cry of rage when her “friend” was killed and didn’t complain once when Merrill used her earth centered magic to fight the mercenaries that attacked them.

            When the fighting had ended with all the mercenaries dead, Shadow had to hold Sera back from killing the nobleman that appeared out of the shadows calling for a truce.  Shadow hated the man and his superior attitude, but she also could see an opportunity for the Inquisition here.  The others had to continue keeping Sera back while the Inquisitor spoke with Lord Pel Harmond and when Shadow began to speak of the man working for the Inquisition in exchange for his life, the rogue elf had cursed loudly and ran off.  After sending the man off – with some of Leliana’s agents watching him – Shadow had attempted to find her but it soon became apparent that the elf was not yet ready to talk.  When they left Crestwood to return home, Shadow saw signs that Sera was following them but she never appeared to them once on the journey.

            When they returned to Skyhold, the Commander was waiting for them at the stables.  Shadow smiled at him as she dismounted.

            “Welcome back Inquisitor.”  When Shadow grimaced, still uncomfortable with the title, Cullen corrected himself.  “Shadow.”

            Her smile returned.  “For a moment there I was worried you were about to pile a ton of work on me.”

            Cullen returned her smile.  “I believe you have a couple of hours before that begins.”

            Shadow sighed.  “Maker bless you Cullen.”  She turned to unsaddle her horse and thus missed Cullen’s eyes darken at her words and his breath catch.  He shook his head and the wildly inappropriate thoughts running through his mind and when she had turned back, he was in control of his reactions.  Both missed the wicked grin a certain witnessing pirate shot their way.

            “We -” Cullen’s voice came out a little rough and he cleared it before continuing.  “We received a bird from Knight-Commander Trevelyan.  He and your brother safely boarded the _Dawn Treader_ and begun their journey across the Waking Sea.  He promised to send word when they reached the Marches.”

            “Thank you.  I’ll inform Nigel.”  Shadow glanced to her other brother who was speaking with Blackwall as they both dealt with their mounts.

            Cullen was watching her and noticed that she appeared a little tired.  “Something wrong?” he asked.

            She looked up at him.  “What?  No, no, just… Is it weird that I miss them?”

            Cullen shook his head.  “No.”  He helped her with her mount by putting away her tack and saddle while she led White Autumn back to her stall.  When they had finished, he spoke, “Josephine and Leliana were pleased to hear you’ve… recruited a new agent for the Inquisition.  Especially since he comes with the promises of more to follow.”

            Shadow laughed at the term “recruited”.  “And how do you feel about our new ‘recruit’?”

            Cullen allowed a chuckle to escape.  “I was pleased to know there should never be a reason for me to deal with the man.”

            “Here’s to hoping I never have to deal with him personally again.”  They both turned when the heard thundering hooves and watched as Sera came charging in.  She ran her mount into the stables, jumping at the last possible moment to grab ahold of the roof’s edge.  She jumped to the ground and glared at Shadow before running off, leaving her mount to be dealt with by a stable hand.

            Cullen watched the scene and was concerned that that particular elf was upset.  “Um…”

            “She’s angry with me,” explained Shadow.  “She didn’t care for how I handled things with the nobleman.”  She sighed.  “I should go talk to her.  Explain things.”

            Cullen arched a brow.  “You’re going to explain yourself to her?”

            “The woman has a thing for bees.” 

Cullen shuddered at the reminder.  “Right.  Until later In- Shadow.”  She nodded and turned to leave when he nervously called her again.  She turned back and he rubbed the back of his neck.  “Would you – perhaps – care to join me for another game of chess this evening?”

Shadow smiled, feeling less tired at the idea.  “Only if you promise not to throw me the game.”

Cullen placed a fist over his chest and bowed with a smirk on his face.  “On my honor.”

Shadow laughed and agreed to meet him later.  She continued to smile all the way to the tavern but it fell away when she entered.  When she didn’t immediately see Sera, she made her way to the stairs, nodding to Bull and the Chargers as she passed.  She made her way to the room she knew Sera had set herself up in and was about to knock when an arrowhead suddenly jutted out.  Shadow stared wide eyed at the sharp metal and heard cursing behind the door.  Sighing and praying that her head wouldn’t meet door’s fate, she knocked.  “Sera.”  Silence feel immediately in the room.  “Sera, I’m coming in.  Please don’t shoot me.”  She opened the door and entered, finding a still upset and pacing elf.

“What?” she snapped, glaring at Shadow.  “What do you want?  Because I’m still angry.  Angry face.”

“Sera, why exactly are you mad at me?”

“You know!  You wouldn’t stop talking, asking questions!  And then you just let him go!”

“Let him go?”  Shadow had had a feeling that Sera hadn’t understood what had happened that night.  “I didn’t just let him go!”

“He’s alive, ain’t he?  Breathing and chatting with his friends though he hurt mine!”

Shadow attempted to explain.  “Sera, just because I didn’t kill him doesn’t mean I just let him go.  And he’s ‘chatting’ with his friends because that’s his job now.  To recruit for the Inquisition.”

Sera sat on the window seat, crossing her arms and glaring out the window.  “Inquisition supposed to be better people,” she muttered.

Shadow joined her on the window seat.  “Sera, think about who he reports to.  Who is watching his every move and who will deal out their own punishment should he even _think_ about stepping out of line.  Including hurting any more of your friends.”

Sera angrily stared out the window in silence for a moment before a smile eventually crept onto her face.  “His kind really hate a leash.  I mean, he deserves worse for turning it all bad and I’m still a little angry you let him live, but we made out just fine.”  She looked over at Shadow, her anger gone and smirked.  “Good one you.”

Shadow wasn’t sure how she didn’t get whiplash from the rapid change in emotion.  Not that she was complaining.  She smiled and shook her head.  “You are one of a kind.”  She became serious again.  “I know what that man said about you and your friends had to have hurt and my ‘talk’ with him probably appeared like I didn’t care.  I want you to know that I do care and that I support what you and your friends do.”  Sera’s eyes widened with surprise.  “You help those that many overlook and you humble those that need it.  No matter how risky, no matter how often you worry my advisors, the Inquisition will support you.”

“Even though this one puckered around us?” Sera asked in disbelief.

Shadow nodded.  “Even so.”

Sera leaned back.  “Well, good then.”  She shook her head and leaned forward again.  “Right what do you mean because I am really not used to that… acceptance thing you’re doing right there.”

 _You and me both_.  “You best get used to it then,” Shadow said.  “Because my understanding is that is what friends do.  No matter the differences, they accept each other.  And I’d like to think we’re friends.”

Sera tilted her head.  “You’re pretty big to be one of my contacts.  Important, I mean.  Not fat.  And maybe a different meaning of friend… But all right, Inquisitor.  Or is it Shadow?  If we’re that type of friend it would be Shadow.  You’re on my good side.”  She said suddenly, standing up.  “We’ll see if it lasts.”

***

            Shadow finally left the war room after hours of meeting with her advisors, the last being Josephine, and breathed in as if she were a prisoner finally taking in free air.  And in a way she was, wasn’t she?  She began to make her way toward the Inquisition’s gardens where she was to meet Cullen and she couldn’t help but smile.  The two of them hadn’t really spent much time together outside of Inquisition duties and she found that while she enjoyed spending time with the Commander, she missed just talking with Cullen.  So into her thoughts of the ex-Templar, she almost didn’t hear her name being called.  She turned to see Nigel walking toward her.

            “Off duty?” he asked.

            “Can the leader of the Inquisition be off duty?” Shadow wondered aloud.

            Nigel shrugged.  “I don’t see why not.  You _are_ the leader.  Can’t you declare yourself off duty?”

            “You know, you’d think so but no.”  Shadow smiled and looked over his Templar armor.  “On duty?”

            He nodded.  “Just snagged me a piece of pie from the kitchens before heading up to the main library.”  When she narrowed her eyes.  “What?  You’re my -”  He looked around and whispered, “sister and the Inquisitor.  I can admit that stuff to you and you’ll cover for me.”

            She may be new to the whole family thing, but she could tell when she was being had.  “Not if Cullen – the Commander caught you red handed.”

            Nigel smirked.  “Naturally.  Though if you were to speak on my behalf, I bet he’d be lenient.”  He bent down and whispered, “After all, I’ve heard how close you two are.”

            Shadow stepped back, blushing.  “What do you mean?”

            Nigel raised a brow.  “Is he not waiting for you now for a game of chess?”

            “Well, yeah, but it’s just a game between friends…” Shadow trailed off as Nigel shook his head.

            “Are you sure, little sister?”

            Shadow shook her head, refusing to acknowledge his implication.  “As you said, the Commander is waiting for me.  I can’t be late.”  She turned and ran off to her destination.  Nigel watched her go.

            “Damn, I should’ve listened to the dwarf and bet on a later date.”

***

            Shadow entered the undercroft for the first time and taking in the large space, wondered why she hadn’t before.  The space was much larger than she had anticipated and the view was breathtaking.  She spotted Harritt working on a sword and a few of his apprentices were helping, keeping the fire going and the water ready.  When Shadow approached, the blacksmith looked up and had one of the boys take over.

            “Inquisitor,” he greeted.

            “Hello Harritt.  Is this space working well for you?”

            He nodded, wiping his hands on a rag.  “Plenty of room, good air flow, and not crowded with refugees telling me how to do my job.”

            Shadow smiled at the last bit.  “I’m glad to hear it.”

            “I have something for you, Inquisitor.  Was going to send one of the lads to collect you in a day or two, but since you’re here and it is finished…”  He looked to one of the boys.  “Sarvin! Fetch the Inquisitor’s sword!”

            While the apprentice collected the item, Shadow looked to the blacksmith.  “Sword?”

            The boy returned and carried with him a weapon covered by a cloth.  Harritt took it from him and removed the cloth, revealing a beautifully crafted short sword.  The blade appeared blue in color and almost appeared not to be made of metal, certainly nothing Shadow recognized.  The blade was the length of her elbow to the tip of her middle finger and the grip was just enough for her hand.  The handle was similar to the Inquisition’s ceremonial sword in that it had a roaring dragon wrapped around it and she saw there was a fire rune forged into the body of the beast.  She gently picked it up and was amazed at how light and comfortable it felt.  She ran her fingers over the blade, finding it smooth to the touch but not cold like metal.

            “The lad is Dalish and the only survivor of his clan that was attacked by those Red Templars.”  Shadow looked to the boy watching her closely while Harritt spoke.  “He was apprenticing to be his clan’s blacksmith and I agreed to take him on.  Learned a thing or two from him.  He forged the blade.”

            “You did?”  The boy nodded.  “It’s beautiful.  I don’t recognize the metal.”

            The elf smiled.  “Not metal.  Ironbark.  Dalish secret.”  Harritt harrumphed and Sarvin’s smile grew.  “Stronger than any steel and will not burn or break.  Spirits of the forest reside inside and make it strong.”  He pointed at the rune.  “The rune activates by touch and remains so until touched again.”  Shadow rubbed a thumb over it and a flame rose as if from the dragon and covered the blade.  She could feel the heat but the fire never came close to her sword hand.  And sure enough, the wood did not burn.  She touched the rune again and the flame vanished.

            “Thank you Sarvin.”  The apprentice’s smile grew larger and he bowed before returning to his duties.  Harritt handed her a sheath and showed her how to strap it to her back so that is laid comfortable when she wore her quiver and bow strap and was easily drawn.

            “I know that the bow is your preferred weapon and you are more familiar with daggers, but this will aid you well in close combat,” he said.

            Shadow ran a hand over the blade again.  “Thank you Harritt.”  She sheathed it and looked around.  “I also came down looking for the Arcanist.”

            He sighed.  “Speaking of people telling me how to do my job.”  He waved toward the opening where Shadow saw a multitude of worktables set up.  “She’s over there.  Messing with that damn crystal.”

            Shadow thanked him again and made her way down the stairs, searching the area.  She saw that the tables were covered in strange devices, potions, and lots of books.  She paused for a moment when she saw a female dwarf bent over one of the tables.  “Hello?”  The dwarf looked over, pushing some of her red hair out of her face.  “Are you Dagna, the Arcanist?”

            The dwarf removed her gloves.  “Yes I am and -”  She gasped and dropped her gloves.  “Oooh, you’re her!  The Inquisitor!”  She gave a bow before coming closer.  “It’s an honor, Your Worship.”  Before Shadow could speak Dagna noticed the mark, giving a soft green glow.   “Is that it?  The hand-anchor-mark?  It’s pretty.”  Shadow lifted the marked hand and glanced at it. She guessed it was in a way.  “The Breach was pretty too.  In a… ‘destroy everything’ sort of way.”  She let out a laugh and Shadow decided right then that she liked the dwarf.

            “Leliana mentioned you were interested in the anchor.”  She held out the hand.  “Any thoughts you’d like to share?”

            Dagna took a closer look at the mark, struggling not to just grab the hand.  “I’ve heard what everyone says what you heard Corypheus say.  That’s a long chain of ‘who said whats’.  To me, it seems to be a key.  But keys do lots of things.  Open, lock, switch.  Some open one thing, some open _everything_.  It sounds like Corypheus made it to open, while you’ve used it to close.”  She shrugs.  “It may be that simple.  It sure is pretty though.  Wish I could see through it.”  She stepped back.  “I’ve tried speaking with your friend Solas but he keeps disappearing on me.”

            Shadow found that a little odd since the mage normally welcomed questions about magic and the Fade.  Or at least, he did with her.  She made a mental note to speak with him about it later.  “Well, I wanted to officially welcome you to the Inquisition and apologize for not having done so when you first arrived.”

            Dagna waved a hand.  “You’ve been busy.  So have I.”  Harritt’s harrumphed traveled through the undercroft.

            Shadow glanced at the blacksmith.  “I’ve heard many good things and I look forward to your contributions.”  She looked over at the table Dagna had been working at and saw the strange crystal Leliana had told her about.

            Dagna smiled, excitement in her eyes.  “Me too!  I’ve heard some impossible things.  I love impossible things.  Those are the best to make, well, possible.”  She moved over to the table holding the crystal.  “Like this crystal.  I still haven’t quite figured it out but I’ve found some text that reference similar objects and I’m confident I’ll figure out its secrets soon.”

            Shadow smiled, “I’m confident you can too.”

***

            Later that day, Shadow and Dorian were both hiding out in her room, reading from her library.  Earlier, Shadow had broken up a rather loud argument between the mage and Mother Giselle, who had once again attempted to pressure Dorian to leave the Inquisition, this time touching a nerve by claiming that he was tarnishing her reputation.  Shadow had angrily order the Chantry woman to end these attempts, threatening to find a more permanent solution that wouldn’t necessarily be agreeable to her should she continue.  Then Shadow had dragged Dorian away, making sure he knew that even if there was a level of truth to Mother Giselle’s words, she didn’t give a damn.  They decided to hide in her room for the rest of the day since she still didn’t have any patience to hear any form of apology from the Chantry woman.

            While Shadow read one of Varric’s books, Dorian had found a book of essays on rare magicks and was ranting about the theories of some Enchanter.  “The man is a complete idiot!  Who in their right mind would claim that mages gifted in shifting magic are actually very talented illusionists?”  He threw the book unto Shadow’s desk, which she was sitting on, and let out a frustrated breath.  “He doesn’t even explain how such mages are then able to fly when _‘pretending’_ to be a bird.  Bloody moron!”

            Shadow tried to pretend to be focused on her book but couldn’t prevent a chuckle from escaping.  They both stopped what they were doing when a knock sounded from the door and looked toward the stairs, silently waiting to hear who it was.

            “A message for you Inquisitor!  From one of your advisors!”

            Shadow recognized the voice of one of the fortress’s messengers and called him in, sighing at the idea of work finally finding her that day.  She wondered if it was news about the Emerald Graves or perhaps finally Hawke.  She took the message and began to read it, vaguely noting that the messenger left.  When she saw that it was just a friendly note from Cullen, thanking her for their game the night before and sending his sympathies for her loss, she smiled.  She also felt a warmth in her chest, a feeling becoming more familiar but one she still refused to put a name to.

            “With a smile like that it can’t possibly be more work,” spoke Dorian.

            Shadow returned to the desk and hopped on.  “Just a friendly note.”

            “Oh?  From who?”

            Shadow wasn’t sure why she blushed and tried to keep it hidden.  “A friend.”

            This only served to increase Dorian’s intrigue and he snatched the note from her before she could hide it in a pocket.  Reading it, he smiled, “The _Commander_.”  He frowned, faking insult.  “I should’ve known he would be more willing to play with you than I.”

            Shadow snatched the note back and stuffed it in a pocket.  “That’s because I don’t cheat.”

            “I’m sure that is not the only reason.”  Shadow ignored him and went back to her reading.  Or tried to.  She could feel his stare on her and eventually, she peeked over at him and found him smiling at her.

            “What?” she demanded.

            “Oh nothing.  Just something I find rather adorable about you.”

            “What are you on about?”

            Dorian rested his chin in a hand.  “You having a thing for strapping young Templars.”  He tilted his head as he thought that over.  “Though I guess no longer all that young.  Certainly not old.”

            Shadow put down her book in confusion.  “A thing for… Templars?  Dorian what -” The she understood his implication and her blush returned.  “Cullen?  B-but he’s not a Templar anymore.”

            Dorian rolled his eyes.  “Ex-Templar then.”  He smirked.  “Interesting that that was what you protested.”

            Shadow felt a tightness in her chest as she insisted, “Cullen is a friend.  Like you.”

            Dorian barked out a laugh and shook his head.  “Nothing like me.  Putting aside your ‘thing’ for him for a moment, the friendship you two have is far stronger than what we have.  Stronger than any other friendship you have with anyone else really.  You’ve shared things with him you haven’t been able to share with others.” Dorian thought about the night she told them all about Tevinter and how Cullen had taken her quickly out of the room.  He also thought about the rumors of a night in Haven.

            Shadow opened her mouth, as if to protest though she knew what he said was true.  Dorian cut her off before she could.  “I’m not complaining.  I’m acknowledging a fact.  Your friendship with the Commander goes deeper than any other you have.”  He crossed his arms and gazed at her intently.  “So deep that it has gone beyond friendship now, yes?”

            Shadow could feel herself beginning to panic as he forced her to acknowledge what she has kept tightly locked away and a blind eye to.  “Dorian, I -”  She shook her head.  “There isn’t -”

            “Do you care for the Commander?”

            “Of course.  As a -”

            “You care for him as more than friends and you know it,” Dorian said.

            Shadow looked away and began to wring her hands together.  “No. No I don’t – I – I can’t -”

            “Why can’t you?”  When Shadow feel silent and wouldn’t look at him, he joined her on the desk and asked gently, “Shadow, do you _care_ for Cullen?”

            She closed her eyes, sighed as if in defeat, and finally admitted to him and herself, “Yes.”

            _Now we’re making progress_ , he thought.  Dorian stretched out his legs so he was more leaning against the desk than sitting.  He could see that the admission had been hard for her and that it appeared to have frightened her to say it.  “Why do you believe you can’t?”

            She still wouldn’t meet his gaze, instead looking down at her hands.  “Because it is foolish.  What right do I have?”

            Dorian couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice if he had tried.  “Right?”

            “What can someone like me offer him?”  She gestured at the room.  “Sure, I now have a title, quite a few apparently, some power and plenty of possessions, more than I’ve ever had.  But that is not what a man like Cullen wants from a woman.  What he deserves.”  She glanced at him briefly but looked away before continuing, “Dorian, I’m broken.  Even with the aid I’ve received, memories haunt me night and day.  I still find myself doubting everything; my decisions, the people around me…”  She whispered, “Reality.”  She touched at her scars.  “I’m still so weak to these thoughts…”  She violently pulled her sleeves down.  “Cullen deserves someone stronger.  Someone whole.”

            Dorian stared at for a moment in shocked silence before slowly saying, “You… are an idiot.”  Shadow’s head whipped toward him in surprise.  “You think you’re weak?  You are quite possibly one of the strongest people I’ve ever had the honor to know.  How else can you describe someone that survived being a slave for half their life, lived through years of darkness, and _doesn’t_ hate everything and everyone associated with that past?  You believe yourself broken?  I guarantee you, you ask anyone whose had to go through some shit and they’ll say the same about themselves.  Even the Commander.  Would you think them broken?  You are a survivor, Shadow.  And far, far from broken.  These…”  He took her arms and one at a time pushed the sleeves back up.  “These stand for all you’ve struggled through and overcome.  They don’t make you less of a person, least of all in the Commander’s eyes.  Has he ever indicated that you aren’t worth his time, his care?”

            “No,” she whispered, hearing her uncle’s words echo in her mind with Dorian’s.  She shook her head and pushed away from the desk, standing.  “None of that matters.  He doesn’t feel the same.”

            Dorian arched a brow, “Oh?  You’ve asked him?”

            “Shit no.”  Shadow whirled around to face him.  “You just saw how I couldn’t admit this to myself, how could I speak of it to _him_?”

            “So you’re making this assumption on… what?”  He pointed at her sternly when she made to answer.  “And don’t you dare say anything remotely similar to what you just said.”  Shadow struggled to give some excuse but remained speechless when she couldn’t come up with anything.  Dorian nodded and leaned forward.  “Shadow, I can say with upmost certainty that what you feel for Cullen, he feels for you.”

            Shadow felt hope begin to form but doubt and fear persisted, “But what if you’re wrong?”

            Dorian spread out his hands.  “There’s only one way for you to find out.”

***

            Cullen stood behind his desk, trying to listen to his lieutenants’ reports but his thoughts kept wandering to a certain Inquisitor.  Specifically their game the night before and how great it had been to spend a couple of uninterrupted hours from work and with her, talking about everything but Inquisition topics.  They had discussed mostly trivial things, only briefly discussing his struggle with lyrium when she voiced her concern about the headache he had experienced earlier that day.  When he had finally had no choice but to end the game with him taking her king, he had almost begged for another game but held off when he saw how late it had gotten.  He thought about the note he had sent her and not for the first time, worried that perhaps he had overstepped sending it or maybe could’ve worded it differently.  _Maker, you sound like a boy still wet behind the ears._  

            He forced his attention back onto the meeting when he caught the look Rylen was giving him.  He faced Lieutenant Mirielda as she reported on the situation in the Emerald Graves.

            “Our soldiers say that the giants have begun to migrate back across the river and there have been fewer attacks.  While the presence of Red Templars and the Freemen of the Dales will no doubt begin to increase as the giants leave the area, travel should become safe again in the next few days.”

            _Or as safe as anything is now a days._   “Tell them then to send us an update in a couple of days.  We will discuss at that time if the Inquisitor can travel to the Emerald Graves.”  When there was a knock at the door leading to the rotunda, he thought it was the messenger Jim that he had sent to Leliana for an updated report on the situation with the Chantry.  “Enter,” he commanded.  He hurriedly straightened when he saw that it was Shadow who entered, his soldiers following suit.

            The Herald appear surprised and embarrassed to see that there was a meeting taking place.  Cullen also thought he saw a hint of disappointment mixed in there.  “Oh.”  She spoke quickly, her embarrassment clear in her voice, “I hadn’t realized you were in a meeting.  I-I’ll come back later.”  She made to leave.

            “Inquisitor!” Cullen quickly called, worried by her stuttered words.  She stopped and turned back to him and he saw that she was nervous.  He began to worry that something must’ve occurred.  “Was there something you needed?” he asked.

            “I was wondering if we could talk.”  She nervously glanced at the listening soldiers.  “Alone?”

            “Alone?”  When Rylen cleared his throat loudly, Cullen immediately corrected his reaction.  “I mean, of course.  Rylen, if you can take over for me.”  He lead Shadow out the side door that led to the walkway that connected to the tavern and was pleased to see it relatively empty with only the on duty guard at the far end.  He didn’t know what Shadow wished to discussed but if her emotional state was anything to go by, it wasn’t something she would want overheard.  He glanced down at her and saw she still appeared nervous.  She also wasn’t speaking though they were now alone and her continued silence began to make him nervous.  _Say something.  Break this tension.  Put her at ease._   “It’s a… nice day.”  _What the Void was that?_

            His voice seemed to jolt Shadow out of wherever her thoughts had taken her.  “What?”

            “It’s…”  _Why are you repeating it!_   He sighed.  “There was something you wished to discuss?”

            This only seemed to make her more nervous and Cullen wished he knew what he could do to calm her.  She began wringing her hands and couldn’t seem to meet his gaze, only increasing his concern.  “Cullen I – I find myself thinking of you often.  A lot really.  Probably more than I sho- ”  She cut herself off and blushed while taking a step back.  Cullen thought she was about to flee and began to reach out but dropped his hand when she stopped.  “What I mean it that I care for you and…”  She stopped again and sighed.

            Cullen’s thoughts began to race alongside his heart.  Was she saying what he thought she was saying, what he had tried to prevent himself from hoping she might one day say?  But why did she seem terrified?  “Shadow…” he softly spoke.

            Words suddenly began to pour from the Inquisitor.  “I know that before all of this I was just a nobody, an escaped slave, and I still have a lot of problems I’m struggling with and while I’m still learning how relationships work, we’ve become close friends but…”  She took a deep breath and finally met his eyes, insecure green meeting worried gold, “Could you think of me as more than just a friend?”

            Cullen stood froze while his thoughts continued to race.  She _did_ feel the same.  But she thought she wasn’t worthy… but it was _he_ that wasn’t worthy… He tried to answer, but the words stumbled out, “I could, I mean I _do_ … think of you as more.”  He winced and rubbed at the back of his neck, feeling his face warm.  “And what I might say in this sort of situation.”

            “Really?”  He looked back at her when he heard the note of surprise and disbelief in her voice.  She hadn’t believed he would share her confessed feelings!  “W-what’s stopping you?”

            “You’re the Inquisitor.  We’re at war.”  He watched as her face fell and the hint of hope began to vanish and he realized she thought he was pushing her away, rejecting her.  _Maker strike me for being a clumsy fool._   He approached her slowly until he was directly in front of her, staring down at her.  “And you… I didn’t think it was possible,” he confessed.

            She gaze up at him, terrified of how vulnerable she felt.  “Neither did I.  Yet I’m here.”

            He smiled softly.  “So you are…”  He brushed a strand of her dark hair aside as he drew closer, and left his hand on the side of her face.  “It seems too much to ask…”  He looked at her lips.  “But I want to -”

            “Commander!”  Shadow and Cullen startled, backing away from each other, Shadow more so than Cullen.  He watched as doubt began to trickle back into her eyes and he cursed the interruption, thinking dark thoughts about whomever the man was behind them.  “You wanted that update of Sister Leliana’s report.”

            Cullen turned to face the man approaching, seeing it was the messenger Jim.  He hadn’t been so tempted to kill a man in a long time.  The fact the man – boy! – was coming from the direction of his office only angered him further.  “What?” he growled.

            Jim had yet to look up.  He really hated walking the top of the ramparts.  “Sister Leliana’s report.  You wanted it delivered,” he finally looked up and was startled to see an angry Commander staring him down, “‘without… delay’…”  When the Commander just glared down at him in silence, the messenger backed up.  “Or to your office… right.”  He was about to take off when they both heard a door slam shut.  They looked at the door to the Commander’s office and Cullen whipped around to see that the Inquisitor was no longer behind him.  His curses terrified the lowly messenger further and the man ran back to his office.  Cullen ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out what he should do.  She ran!  Did she doubt his words?  Was that why she ran, because she doubted his feelings?  He clenched his fists and turned his determined gaze to the tower that housed her rooms.

            Then he just needed to give her a reason to no longer doubt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T HURT ME! *hides beneath bed* I'm writing, I'm writing! I swear!
> 
> Also, did anyone catch the Narnia reference?  
> And not sure if I have any readers that are Achievement Hunter/Rooster Teeth fans but there is a brief moment during Dorian and Shadow's conversation where I accidentally channeled Gavin Free but decided to just keep it. :)


	38. Thirty - Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! As soon as I got back from vacation, I finished up the draft and typed up this final copy and here it is. A new chapter!
> 
> Also, I just really want to thank you all for the comments and kudos. You have no idea (okay maybe you do) how much it amazes me that you all like this fic. Especially since it is my first. And I know that this is a slow read and most definitely slow to update and that just makes you all that much more awesome, because you've been able to stick with me. I hope you all continue to stick and I hope to keep hearing from you as the story continues. You guys are fantastic, I love you, and I hope this chapter was worth the wait. :) <3

            Dorian picked up another tome and looked it over before wrinkling his nose at it and tossing it to the ever growing pile on the floor.  He should’ve tried harder to convince the Ambassador to allow him to look over the Inquisitor’s personal library before presenting it to her.  Most of the texts on magic theories and practices here were written by absolute morons.  He would need to put in a request for copies of some much more practical and intelligent tomes.  The Tevinter mage glanced at another book and smirked when he saw the racy title, wondering if the innocent Herald had taken a peek yet.

            His thoughts turned from his task to his current situation and he couldn’t help but chuckle.  Who would’ve thought that he would go from being a disappointment to all in Tevinter to being a close friend of the Herald of Andraste and leader of the Inquisition and aiding her in stopping an ancient evil all while helping said Inquisitor sort out her love life.  Thinking on that particular part, Dorian came to a startling revelation.  _He_ hadn’t had sex since joining the Inquisition.  Well, technically since leaving Tevinter but he didn’t exactly have any options until after Haven.  Running around trying to stop his mentor – don’t focus on that, not now – didn’t allow much opportunity for a little fun and relaxation.  No wonder why he had felt on edge for months now.

            Something a certain annoying Qunari had noticed, pointed out, and offered to help him with.  Repeatedly.  Dorian paused in his handling of books while he remembered back to that day in Fallow Mire.

_Bull leaned over him while Dorian tensely stood against the rotting wood, not sure whether he should be afraid of what the Qunari was getting at or outraged.  He hated himself for feeling a sense of intrigue instead._

_“I’m just saying Dorian,” the warrior rumbled.  “You carry around this picture of the Qunari in your mind.  Like you see us as this forbidden, terrible thing, and you’re inclined to do the forbidden…”_

_Dorian glared up at him, trying his best to ignore the bare muscular chest in front of him and the desire to run his hands over it.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”_

_Bull shrugged.  “All I’m saying is, you ever want to explore that,” his intense gaze trapped Dorian’s, “my door is_ always _open.”_

            Dorian gritted his teeth while he slammed a book back into its place on the shelf.  Since that day, it’s almost like there was this waiting game and the Iron Bull seemed to believe he was going to win.  Sure the Qunari was pleasing on the eyes, Dorian wasn’t denying that, but to pursue anything?  Was he that desperate?  He didn’t want that, he couldn’t!  “Venhedis, I sound like she did.”  Surely that didn’t mean anything… right?

            He heard a bang as the door slammed against the stone wall but didn’t close followed soon by the sound of running feet coming up the stairs.  He turned but when he didn’t see anyone, he immediately went on alert expecting an ambush.  He began to pull on his magic, the familiar red glow appearing around him as he prepared to summon his focus, fire.  But when the Inquisitor suddenly appeared before him, dropping her stealth, he just as quickly let the magic return to the Fade.  He could see that she appeared distress and clearly lost in her thoughts as she ignored his presence and moved further into the room.

            “Shadow?  What’s happened?” he asked.

            She immediately stopped at hearing his voice and appeared surprised by his presence, confirming his assumption.  Then her distress returned along with… shame?  She looked down and away from him.

            “I ran,” she whispered.

            Dorian wasn’t sure if he heard her right.  “What?”

            “I ran!” she shouted before covering her mouth in shock and tears began to trail down her cheeks.  “I ran,” she repeated, her words muffled.

            Dorian had a sinking feeling.  “From Cullen?”  When she nodded he asked, “Why?  Did he… not return your feelings?”  He knew that couldn’t have been true having watched the Commander for months now and his behavior towards her spoke volumes of his true feelings for her.  But holding them back, Dorian could see the man doing that.  He wondered if perhaps he was going to have to set the man’s trousers on fire until he gave up the stubborn act.

            “No.  Yes?”  Dorian was concerned by the look of confusion that crossed her face followed by a hint of fear before she abruptly shook her head.  “I don’t know.”

            Unbeknownst to him, Shadow was struggling with an onslaught of dark thoughts, the strongest they’ve been since Haven.  **_You know.  He could never care for you.  No one could ever_ love _you._** “Stop it,” she said in an attempt to silence the terrifying thoughts she believed more and more.

            Dorian took a hesitant step toward her, his worry increasing at the order as he had no idea who she was now talking to.  “Stop what?  Shadow?”  When she didn’t respond to him, his fear leaked into his voice, “Shadow?”

So lost in the dark whispers in her mind, she was unable to hear her friend.  She wasn’t aware of anything but her internal struggle.  **_Your body is a mangled mess of scars, mutilated by your own hand.  None would be able to look at you in anything but horror and disgust.  And you still believe this is all real?  That you are free?  That people have come to accept you, even worship you?  That you have a family that has been searching for you?  That a man could care for you?_**   “Shut up,” Shadow begged, tears flowing.  “Please, shut up.”  **_You’re still in that damp, dark cellar girl.  Trapped, imprisoned, ENSLAVED!_**

Dorian’s fear and worry continued to grow as he watched her weep, begging someone or something to stop.  When she flinched as if struck he started to go to her but stopped when he heard the door slam shut.  He again prepared himself to defend but stopped once more when he saw who came up the stairs, relief flooding through him.

Shadow was still unaware of her surroundings.  _I’m free.  I got out.  This is real.  Cullen is a good man, a good friend.  He said – **Did he though?  Or is this all just another cursed dream, created to give you false hope?** THIS IS REAL!_ she internally screamed at herself.  **_You know how to prove if it is._**   Tormented green sought out the daggers resting on the dresser and she felt herself take a step toward them.

            “SHADOW!”  She froze in her tracks at the commanding tone, shocked out of her intentions, the dark thought weakened.  She slowly turned and felt her breath catch at the sight of the warrior standing in her room, his intense gaze trapping her and the dark thoughts weakened further, now mere whispers.

            “Cullen,” she whispered, almost whimpered.

            “Dorian.”  The Commander’s eyes didn’t leave the Inquisitor’s as he spoke, his tone that which he used to command his soldiers.  “Leave us.  And make sure it is understood that the Inquisitor is to remain undisturbed until told otherwise by her or I.”

            Dorian looked to the frozen Herald, still incredibly worried for his friend and of the panic still in her eyes.  “Cullen, I’m not sure -”

            “Dorian.”  The mage turned to see Cullen staring at him with a gentler expression and offering a reassuring smile.  “I have her.”

            Dorian felt a little bit of that reassurance as he knew that Cullen indeed had her.  Thinking back to the night she revealed her past to them, he knew that if anyone could help her it was the Commander.  So, after shooting Shadow one last worried glance, he left the Inquisitor’s room and placed a barrier spell on the door that could only be broken upon the exit of the next person.

            When Cullen’s eyes had returned to focus on Shadow, they were once again serious.  As he stared unrelenting at Shadow, he could see the struggle she was fighting in her eyes, mirroring the one he saw back in Haven that one night by the lake.  He knew that meant that she was still trapped by her doubts and before they could talk about what had happened earlier, he would need to bring her out of that.  And he had a feeling it would take more than words this time.

            Shadow struggled through the dark thoughts that were still rather strong even though they were whispers.  Tears continued to silently fall as she tried to break the silence that felt crushing to her.  “Cullen…”

            “You ran.”  His voice came out rough and low and he began to slowly approach her.

            She took a step back for each one he took forward, trying to force the whispers away and to convince herself that this was real.  It had to be if he were here to confront her.  **_Is that how that works?  Or is this like all those other dreams, where the truth of their deceit is revealed in a devastating turn?  Such as the man you care for rejecting you?_**   “Cullen I -”

            “Don’t apologize,” he interrupted.  “Maker, don’t do that.”  _Don’t take back your words._   His voice shook as he spoke and worries that she might have ruined her chance mingled with and fed the whispers of doubt.  She almost missed his next words.  “Do you trust me?”

            She stopped moving back.  “What?”

            He stopped as well but only once he was right in front of her, standing so close she swore she could feel the heat of his body.  She jumped when his hands slowly came up and gently cupped her face, brushing away her tears.  She stared wide eyed up into his as he asked again, his voice insistent, “Do you trust me?”

            She didn’t hesitate to whisper, “Yes.”

            Before the word finished crossing her lips, his were covering them in a desperate and demanding kiss.  A jolt went through Shadow, causing her hands to jump to his waist, and a heat followed, warming her to her core and burning out the dark whispers in her mind.  Initial she stood still, hardly believing what was occurring but then she grasped its revelation and just as desperately returned it, determined to make sure her feelings were clear despite her stumblings earlier.  Together, they both poured months of hidden emotions into the kiss, revealing their shared nerves and yearnings.

            Eventually their lips moved apart with a gasp when the need for air grew too great.  As they both took in deep breaths, Cullen rested his forehead against hers and looked deep into her eyes.  Shadow felt as if he were searching for something and while she couldn’t fathom what, she hoped he found it.

            Cullen smiled when he saw no hint of fear or doubt in her eyes and he felt a bit prideful at the wonderment in them.  Certain that she wasn’t likely to run again, he softly asked, “Why did you run?”

            Though she had expected the question she still startled a little at hearing it and Cullen dropped his hands as she backed up a bit.  Shadow first looked away, shame worming its way back into her mind, but she turned back to face him.  “I panicked.”

            Cullen inclined his head in acknowledgment.  “So I had gathered.”  He patiently stared at her, his face somber and hiding just how nervous he felt.  “Do you regret it?”

            “No. Yes?  No!”  Cullen raised a brow at her nervous and urgent answer while she ran a hand through her hair in aggravation.  _Why can’t I just speak plainly_ , she wondered.  She took a deep breath before explaining, “I don’t regret how I feel.  I regret looking like an idiot and almost ruining the closest friendship I’ve ever had.”

            Cullen briefly allowed himself to bask in the warmth he felt at hearing her describe their friendship before replying, “You didn’t almost ruin anything.”  He smiled.  “And if anyone is an idiot, it is I.”

            Shadow wasn’t sure what he meant and began to wring her hands as she nervously asked, “Are you, um, regretting…?”

            “I regret not making myself clear earlier.”  He reached out and placed a hand to her waist and the other to the back of her neck.  Shadow placed her hands on his chest plate as he drew her back to him.  “I regret my loss of control just now and that I didn’t kiss you like this.”  His lips were softer, his tongue gently coaxing her lips to open and his teeth playfully biting her lower lip when she took too long to comply.  There was no sense of urgency this time and Shadow sighed as the Commander took his time, taking control of the slow kiss.

            She opened her eyes when it ended and met his smirking expression with one of her own.  “I’m not complaining about either of those.”  Cullen chuckled and she shivered at the low rumble.  Confusion surfaced when his hands left her and he stepped back from her.

            “You said you panicked.  About what?”

            Shadow knew the conversation he was pushing had to happen, but damnit she wish it didn’t.  Feeling embarrassed, she said, “I have a feeling you already know.”

            He nodded.  “As do I but it seems assumptions have only hindered us for quite some time.  It may be time for a new tactic.”

            Shadow could only agree and after taking a deep breath in preparation, told him everything.  Of how she had kept these feelings hidden for months now, even from herself because of her doubts and how she didn’t feel worthy, that he deserved someone better.  She shared how Dorian was the one that got her to admit her feelings to herself, to let out why she held back and how he gave her a stern talking to, saying she wasn’t what she had thought so long to be.  She talked about how he convinced her to confess her feelings to Cullen and how nervous she had felt walking to his office and how her doubts had begun to trickle back in as she walked through Skyhold, though they had briefly disappeared when they were on the ramparts’ walkway.  “But then they all just came rushing back when we were interrupted,” she thought she heard him curse someone named Jim but ignored it as she continued, “and they came with thoughts about how this wasn’t real and I could feel my focus slipping and I… panicked.  All of that taking over and losing control like that just made me feel so _weak_ and next thing I know, I’m back here thinking about -”  She cut herself off as she glanced at the daggers.  She could feel her face turn red as shame returned and she waited for him to condemn her for almost breaking her promise.

            But instead he did the last thing she would’ve expected.  He laughed.  She whipped back in shock but saw that his expression was completely serious and his laugh was too dry to hold any amusement.

            “Shadow, it’s never been a matter of what _I_ deserve but rather what _you_ deserve.”

            Shadow thought she heard pain in his voice and not understanding why, she shook her head.  “Cullen what -”

            “Dorian is right, you are a strong woman.  To have gone through what you have and to be who you are today, there is no other description.  You don’t hate all associated in anyway with the men and country that wronged you.  Instead, you give them a chance, offering trust and even friendship.”  Shadow looked down, a little embarrassed by the awe she heard in his voice.  “You deserve to find everything you’ve lost, like your family.  To be surrounded by friends who would do anything for you.  You deserve to have a man just as strong as you by your side.”  He closed his eyes and bowed his head.  “And Maker forgive me for my selfishness for daring to claim that position because I am most definitely not that man.”

            For a moment Shadow just stared at him, unable to believe what she had heard.  Finally she said, “Cullen what are you talking about?  You are one of the strongest people _I_ know.  Even before you shared with me about your decision to give up lyrium, I felt that.  And once you had told me, that belief only strengthen.  Knowing the pain you go through because of the withdrawals and what more will come and the knowledge that you were in Ferelden during the Blight and in Kirkwall during all of that chaos… damnit Cullen you’ve been through just as much shit as me if not more.  Yet you’re here, leading the Inquisition’s forces during the third major crisis Thedas has seen in the last decade.  A weaker man would’ve stayed home.”

            Cullen wanted so desperately to hold onto her faith, to leave it there but he knew he needed to make her understand, to tell her what he could bring himself to admit at this moment even if that meant losing her faith.  “I’m not here because I am a stronger man.  I am here because I am a man seeking redemption.”

            Shadow’s brow furrowed in confusion.  “Redemption?”

            He ran a hand through his hair, setting some of the curls free.  “After the… events that took place in the Ferelden Circle I went down a dark path.  I turned to hate to escape my fear, one for all mages including those least deserving.  And when I was transferred to Kirkwall for a time that fear and hatred was made stronger by the crisis there, fed by the Knight-Commander’s paranoia.  If Hawke hadn’t intervened the number of times he had, if he hadn’t made himself such a nuisance and insisted to place his involvement in everything…”  A memory of his sword meeting a barrier rather than the flesh of the cowering mage before him flashed before his eyes.  Hawke’s shout that the mage was innocent of the crime accused of her echoed in his ears and his realization that the child had been nothing but a scapegoat brought back that feeling of guilt.  “I could’ve become like the Knight-Commander herself.”

            Shadow didn’t believe that for a second.  “Cullen,” she spoke softly, “what did happen in the Ferelden Circle?”

            He looked to her in disbelief.  “You don’t know?”

            “I know what the stories say and what’s been written in history books.  That some of the mages turned to blood magic and rebelled against the Order.  That the Circle was overrun by abominations and would’ve been completely lost if the Hero, er, Queen of Ferelden hadn’t intervened.  That the Circle was saved but not before many lives, both mage and templar, were lost.”

            Disbelief turned to confusion.  “Then why are you asking?”

            “Because I want to know what happened to _you_.”

            Cullen felt cold as memories of the Circle’s fall filled his mind, freezing him to his core with the echoes of screams and cruel laughter.  He looked down, clenching and unclenching his fists while he struggled to give her what she asked.  But he couldn’t speak the words!  “I… can’t…”

            “Then you don’t have to.”  When Cullen looked at her in surprise and she saw the torment in his eyes, she cursed herself for putting it there.  She of all people should’ve understood how some memories were just too painful to share.  “Cullen,” she explained, “you didn’t force me to tell you why I’ve harmed myself that night in Haven.  You allowed me to determine when _I_ was ready to talk about it.”

            He shook his head.  “You entrusted me with your struggle.  I should…”

            “Allow me to give the same opportunity to you as you gave to me.”  She paused a moment before smiling and holding out her arms.  “And I’m not sure if you haven’t noticed, but I’m still here.”

            Cullen returned her smile, unable to believe the gift the Maker had given him in her, and approached her again.  “You are… remarkable.  So much more than I deserve.”

            Shadow frowned.  “Hey if I’m not allowed to think of myself in such terms neither can you.  Maybe we should add that to our promises to each other.”

            Cullen chuckled, this one with humor.  “That may require more than a promise to fix.”

            Shadow huffed out a laugh of her own.  “You’re probably right.”  She smiled sheepishly.  “We’re quite the pair huh?”

            Cullen wrapped his arms around her and rest his forehead against hers.  “Perhaps more suited for each other than either of us believed.”

***

            Dorian kept his eyes on the door leading from the main hall to the Inquisitor’s rooms as he worried over what was taking place.  He kept thinking about Shadow’s actions before he left and just like the night she told them of her years in Tevinter, a nagging feeling kept pulling at his memory.  Something about what she’s said and how she acted… he felt as if he had seen or read of something similar once and he wished he could remember!  He had a very bad feeling it was important.

            “So what happened?”  Dorian was startled out of his thoughts and looked down to see a dwarf leaning against the wall beside him.

            “You know, for a storyteller you can be awful quiet.”

            Varric snorted.  “I don’t believe I’ve ever been referred to in that way.”

            “Maybe sneaky is a better word for it.”

            “Speaking of Sneaky, you didn’t answer the question.”

            Dorian arched a brow.  “What makes you think something has happened?”

            “Well, over an hour ago I saw Curly come through here with a rather determined look about him and go up to her rooms.  Then you came out not too long after looking rather grim yourself and have since been staring at that door.  Not a big leap to make.”

            Dorian sighed.  “I may have made a miscalculation.”  They both turned when the door they spoke of opened and they watched as both Shadow and Cullen came through.  Shadow spotted them and said something to Cullen who answered with a nod and a squeeze to her shoulder before making his way to the war room.  She watched the Commander walk away before making her way over to them.

            “Varric,” she greeted before turning to Dorian with a smile.  “Dorian.”

            Dorian narrowed his eyes at her, searching for any hint that she wasn’t truly happy.  “Shadow,” he replied cautiously.

            “I just want to say thanks.”

            “Oh?” he said with surprise.  Varric tilted his head, not even pretending not to be listening.

            “If you hadn’t pushed me to admit... things to myself and him…”  She looked back to where Cullen had left.  “Who knows if anything would’ve ever happened.”

            “So something happened?” asked Varric.  Shadow blushed and nodded.  He grinned.  “About damn time Sneaky.”

            “Are you… okay?” asked Dorian, earning a curious frown from Varric.

            Shadow seemed to think it over before answering carefully.  “Still a ways to go but today was a big step.”  She smiled again.  “I owe you.”

            Dorian pushed his worry aside for now and smirked.  “You could repay me with details.”

            Shadow’s blush deepened.  “I feel you might be a little disappointed.”  She glanced behind her when her name was called from the direction of the Ambassador’s office.  “I should go.”  She sighed.  “Meetings.”

            “Shadow,” Dorian called, causing her to pause momentarily.  “Are you happy?”

            She answered with a genuine smile.  “More than I thought I could ever be.”  With one last wave, she took off for the war room.

            “I take it that was your doing then?” Varric said.

            Dorian nodded.  “Did a better job than I had thought.”

            “You know this means you lost the bet right?”

            The mage shrugged.  “Not the first time.  Did anyone win?”

            “Tiny.”

            Dorian looked at him with wide eyes.  “What!  I thought he didn’t even pick a date.”

            “He didn’t.  But he did say that you would be the reason one of them made a move.”

            “Fasta vass!”  What did it mean that the Iron Bull knew that would occur?  “Should’ve known never to bet against a Ben-Hassrath,” he muttered.

            Varric shook his head in agreement.  “Hawke’s going to hate this too.  He isn’t going to like hearing he lost to a Qunari.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, did I do well? I've been really nervous about their first kiss and now I'm super nervous about how to go forward with their relationship. I wouldn't mind hearing your guys' thoughts on this especially since I'm sure many of you have been writing far longer than I. :)


	39. Thirty - eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek! It's been way too long since my last update and I'm very sorry for that wait. School has started again, so there will probably be more such waits though hopefully none too long. I've also had a bunch of new story ideas pop into my head (both fanfics and originals) that while I haven't actually written them (just noting them down for later) they are still super distracting.

            The Inquisitor lifted a hand to cover her mouth when she failed to stifle yet another yawn.  For the last three days it had been nothing but meeting after meeting, stopping only to eat or sleep – or to panic as her advisors had done when Sera had decided that Shadow needed some fun and “helped” by basically kidnapping her to deal with a small problem in one of the camps outside of Skyhold.  Most of these meetings had been one on ones with either Josephine or Leliana, forming new alliances and learning the secrets of potential enemies.  She had met with the Commander a handful of times during these past few days to discuss where their soldiers were needed the most but… Shadow nearly smiled as she thought about how many of those meetings had turned from official Inquisition business to more personal matters.

            She glanced over the table at Cullen whose gaze was focused on the map, marking where new rifts had appeared while Leliana shared a report from the northern coast.  She still couldn’t believe that he shared her feelings.  Her fingers lingered a second longer on her lips before she returned her hand to her side.  Because of their equally demanding duties, the only time in the last few days they saw each other was for Inquisition business, so they took advantage of those meetings to… just talk.  There was an unspoken agreement between them that they were going to take things slow, for which Shadow was very grateful for.  After years of keeping a wall between herself and others, particularly men, she found herself in unfamiliar territory and was worried about doing or saying the wrong thing.  And when she thought about the physical aspects expected of such a relationship, she felt terrified and flashes of rough hands grabbing her and a cruel eyes glaring down at her would go through her mind, leaving her feeling ashamed because she knew Cullen could never be that kind of man.  She knew that sooner rather than later she would need to talk to Cullen about these fears but she didn’t want to be a hindrance.  She knew that Cullen had his own reasons for taking things slowly, though not what they were and while she hadn’t had relations of any kind with a man before, she knew that men had… needs.  Needs she was afraid she couldn’t meet and she was equally afraid of voicing those fears.

            Of course because of how busy they’ve both been, they’ve barely had time to grab a few extra minutes with each meeting to just talk about their day, perhaps share in a few kisses, let alone discuss either of their personal fears.  On top of that, both of them were trying to adjust to the increased scrutiny they were subjected to now.  They had known that they wouldn’t have been able to keep their relationship secret from her inner circle, especially since Varric and Dorian knew that first day, but they had hoped to keep it from going public.  But word had indeed gotten out and spread like wildfire, first through Skyhold and then, according to Josephine, throughout the rest of Thedas.  Shadow had a sneaky suspicion that a certain regal mage was responsible for the initial leak and the speed in which it had spread.  The ice mage had made known her belief they should use their relationship as a pawn in the great Game and Shadow felt that in order for word to spread throughout the continent as quickly as the Ambassador claimed, it had to be magic.  Maker knew birds couldn’t fly that fast.

            Her attention was drawn back to the present meeting when the door to the war room opened and a messenger entered, handing over a report to the Commander.  The three women watched in silence as the man read the report.

            “The giants have officially migrated back over the river,” he finally said, his eyes scanning over the parchment.  “The travel band on the Emerald Graves has been lifted and trade has begun again.”  He paused and when he looked up, Shadow could see restrained anger in his eyes.  “And evidence of the Red Templars caravans moving again has been found.”

            Shadow nodded.  “Anything about the Freemen of the Dales?”  She cringed slightly at saying the group’s fairly ridiculous name.

            Cullen looked back over the report and shook his head.  “There have been sightings but little else.”  His brow furrowed and Shadow tilted her head.

            “What is it?”

            “Our people can’t go too far into the region without more knowledge of what to expect but this Fairbanks…”  He growled the name rather than spoke it.

            “Still holding his cards close to his chest?” offered up Leliana.

            “Yes,” he answered, his frustration clear.

            “Why would he put his people in danger?” asked Josephine.

            “He’s not,” spoke Leliana.  “Everything he does, he does for the refugees there.  And _they_ appear well-informed.  It is the Inquisition’s people he is placing in danger, the one’s he had no desire to protect.”

            Josephine shook her head in disbelief.  “We’re there to help them!  How can he trust us to protect him -”

            “He doesn’t,” interrupted Shadow.  “Trust us.  He doesn’t trust the Inquisition.”

            “But why?” asked the Ambassador.

            Shadow looked at the map, specifically the Crestwood area and felt as if her heart was heavy with guilt.  “Because the Inquisitor hasn’t shown up to help as promised.”  She looked up when she sensed movement and saw Cullen returning her gaze with worry filled eyes.  She looked away, her guilt too great to allow her to seek comfort.

            “That may have strengthened his distrust but he didn’t trust us when we first approached him.”  Leliana waited until Shadow met her eyes before continuing, “I suspect this is another result of the Orlesian civil war.  We’ve acquired many allies among the Orlesian nobility and Fairbanks has reason not to trust them.  But no matter his reasons, Inquisitor, _you_ do not bear any of that blame.  Multiple circumstances prevented you from traveling to the Emerald Graves.”

            Shadow held the Spymaster’s gaze a second longer before turning away.  “Nothing is preventing me from traveling there now.  So let us discuss what needs to be done.”  She didn’t allow herself to look any of them in the eye again until she was sure her continued feelings of guilt were hidden away and her eyes well-guarded.  Only then did she look at Cullen.  “Starting with the Red Templars.”

            “Actually,” spoke up Josephine.  “We should start by discussing how you will handle Fairbanks.  After all without his cooperation, the Inquisition will continue to have a difficult time getting through the Emerald Graves.”

            “Handle?” Shadow asked, wary of the wording.

            “How you will approach him,” Josephine explained.  “What your strategy will be in gaining his trust and cooperation.”

            Shadow scratched the back of her head, sure of how the Ambassador would respond to her answer.  “I was planning to go with the upfront and honest approach.”  Sure enough the woman appeared ready to protest so Shadow quickly explained, “He doesn’t trust us, Josephine.  Which means he will be highly critical of anything I say and if I am anything but honest, he will know and it will only hurt us more.  Also, I’m not the best liar.”

            “True, but you are very good at withholding.”  When Shadow narrowed her eyes at the red head, Leliana held up her hands indicating peace.  “While being as honest with him as possible is the best strategy here, truly, you cannot be completely so.  What will you say when he demands an explanation for your delayed arrival?”

            Shadow sighed, understanding what she was getting at.  “I can’t tell him about the Trevelyans.”  However, she knew that the travel band and the mayor’s judgement wouldn’t be good enough excuses for the man either.  “Obviously I can’t talk of my… family situation but I cannot outright lie either.  Even if it simply provided a better explanation.”  Withholding wouldn’t help much either.  She stared at the map, trying to find a solution.

            “Then gain his trust the way you gained ours.”  All turned to the Commander whose gaze remained solely on the Inquisitor’s.  “The way you’ve gained the people’s.  Through your actions.”  He gestured to the Emerald Graves.  “A man like Fairbanks will place more value in a person’s actions and very little in their words.  He will provide you with the information you need because he knows that without it, you cannot deal with these Freemen.  And that will be your opportunity to earn his trust because he also knows that you don’t need to deal with the deserters, that your mission is the Red Templars.”

            “Showing that while the Inquisition does have its own agenda, we will deviate from it in order to help those that desperately need it,” added Leliana.  “Just as the Herald did in the Hinterlands and many times since.”

            Shadow blushed, feeling embarrassed by the underlying praise in the Spymaster’s words.  She also hated the implication, whether intended or not, that she wouldn’t help the refugees by dealing with the Freemen unless it benefitted her in some way.  She pushed that aside though and nodded at Cullen, heeding his advice.

            “Have we learned anything more about these Freemen?  Who’s leading them?” she asked.

            Leliana shook her head.  “No.  They’re using our disadvantage to their advantage.  Due to our lack of knowledge of the region and its dangers, they’ve been able to keep themselves hidden and unreachable.”

            “And since the Red Templars have seemingly decided to leave them alone, they have one less complication than we do in traveling through the region,” added the Commander.

            “The giants didn’t help matters,” pointed out Leliana.

            Shadow sighed and reached for more information.  “Speaking of the Red Templars…”

            Cullen gave her an apologetic look with a hint of frustration.  “Nothing new to report.”  Shadow let out a groan while running her hands over her face.  “Our people have tried following the caravans in and out of the region but anytime they’ve gotten close, they’re disappeared.”

            “Damn,” she muttered.

            “We do have some information.”  Cullen smiled.  “Confirmation that the Emerald Graves is not infested with the undead.”

            Shadow laughed.  “Thank the Maker for that.”  She looked back at the map, still smiling and shrugged.  “So I essentially go in blind.  Did that for years roaming about Thedas and you’ve been spoiling me with prior knowledge for months now.  Can’t waste an opportunity to prevent that skill from going soft.”

            “Just be careful,” warned Cullen.  “The Emerald Graves is one of the more dangerous regions in Thedas due to the wildlife.  Even more so now that Samson and his Red Templars are there doing Maker know what.”  His voice had gotten progressively harsher as he spoke, his anger and hatred clear.

            Shadow wished the table wasn’t between them.  “We’ll stop them Cullen.  We’ll stop _him_.”

            The Commander’s ridged pose softened a little but when he spoke he was still insistent.  “And no taking on giants.”

            Shadow raise a brow, but offered a small smile.  “Is that an order?”

            Leliana cleared her throat, causing them both to startle.  “I think we’ve thoroughly covered the importance of the Inquisitor being cautious.”  Both the Commander and Inquisitor blushed and looked away while the Spymaster and Ambassador shared a teasing smile.

            Cullen coughed before speaking, “Of course.  We should discuss whom you will be traveling with.”

            “I would recommend that Cassandra go with you,” said Leliana.  “Chances are that while these Templar’s have left the Order they will still behave, and more importantly fight, as they did within the Order.  She would be a great help in tracking them.”  She trailed a hand over some reports.  “And along with gaining knowledge of Samson’s motives, you may find something pertaining to what happened to Lucius and the other Seekers.”

            Shadow frowned, thinking on Cassandra’s personal quest.  “So I take it there’s been nothing new then?”

            “Not as of yet.  Cassandra provided me with the locations of many secret hideaways that the Seekers have used in the past but those we’ve searched haven’t provided any answers.”

            “Perhaps,” said Josephine, “while we continue to search the remaining locations, we also offer a reward.”

            “A reward?” asked Shadow.

            Josephine nodded.  “Thedas is large but someone must have seen these Seekers or given them safe harbor at some point in time in the past few months.  We can entice them with a reward and perhaps some leads will follow.”

            “Even if it only gets us whispers it is a good plan,” said Leliana.

            Josephine rolled her eyes but smiled.  “Thank you Leliana,” she said with sarcasm.

            “Do it,” ordered the Inquisitor.  “And we’ll keep an eye out for anything pertaining to the Seekers while we are in the Emerald Graves.”  She crossed her arms as she thought on who else to bring with her.  “Solas had requested to accompany me as well.  There are some ancient elven ruins he wishes to investigate while we are there.  Also, it would probably be best to bring the mage with the strongest talent in healing magic along.”

             Leliana’s gaze sharped.  “And what is it he hopes to find in these ancient ruins?”

            Shadow narrowed her eyes at the Spymaster, not caring for her skeptical tone.  “More answers in regards to the orb Corypheus used to create the Breach.  He’s also searching for ways to strengthen the Veil.”  Shadow could see that Leliana wasn’t satisfied but wasn’t going to pursue anything.  _What the Void is she suspicious of now?_

            “You should bring Sera along as well,” spoke up Josephine.

            Everyone turned to stare at her, surprised that _she_ would be making such a suggestion.  Josephine was often annoyed with the Red Jenny and had requested a few times to have the elf locked up when a prank had left her feeling especially annoyed.  And Shadow had never seen her so angry when Sera had “kidnapped” her the other day.

            “What?” asked the Ambassador, confused by their shocked silence.

            “You are recommending Sera?” said Shadow.  “ _You_?”

            The advisor raised a brow.  “I am.  With a very good reason.”

            Shadow glanced at a still surprised Cullen and waved a hand.  “Okay.  I’m listening.”

            Josephine smiled.  “Fairbanks doesn’t care for nobility.  And at the moment, he doesn’t care for the Inquisition.  But I’m sure he has a positive attitude towards the Red Jennys and their friends.”  Understanding dawned and Shadow’s eyes widened.

            “If that were the case, then it should have altered his perception already,” argued Cullen.  “The Inquisitor has publicly made known her alliance with the Red Jennys.”

            Josephine shook her head.  “Even before the travel band was officially placed, very few were traveling through the Emerald Graves.  The Red Templars, deserters and refugees from the civil war and our own people.  And the only ones bring good news about the Inquisition would’ve been, well, the Inquisition.”

            Shadow couldn’t help but agree.  There was still a great deal of tension between the Orlais and the Inquisition.  Some was due to the fact that much of their aid has been provided to the Fereldens and there was still tension between the two countries.  Also, Orlais was still following the Chantry’s lead and not officially supporting the Inquisition.  They may have some allies among the nobility there, but they were minor families and even if the common folk didn’t like the nobility, they were still privy to its gossip.  The common folk also listened to the Chantry, which continued to preach that the Inquisition was blasphemous.

            “Sera also goes well with your strategy,” added Josephine.  “The honest approach.”

            Shadow chuckled.  “She can be brutally honest.”

            “Perhaps a bit too honest,” warned Leliana.

            “She also values her friends,” pointed out Shadow.  “She protects them fiercely and she wouldn’t do anything that would place them in danger.  She won’t just be helpful with Fairbanks but with the refugees as well.”  Shadow’s smile fell and she groaned as a realization struck her.

            “What’s wrong?” asked Cullen.

            “Solas and Sera traveling together.  That’s what’s wrong,” she said.  “I’m going to need a mediator.  Preferably one they both can stand.”

            Leliana smiled.  “I take it that Cassandra isn’t an option.”

            “Her method would be to gag Sera,” explained Shadow.  “Who would then retaliate with her recently resupplied bees.”  She shuddered.  “No, not an option.”

            “Varric,” Cullen suddenly added.

            “Varric,” repeated Shadow and she smiled.  It was perfect.  The dwarf got along with both of them and would be able to prevent any major problems between the two as they traveled.  She nodded and added, “He also had personal experience with red lyrium.”

            “And a bit of a rivalry with a certain Seeker,” reminded Leliana.

            Shadow cringed.  She had hoped that he would’ve mended that by now.  But those two fighting wasn’t likely to get nearly as bad as it could if Solas and Sera annoyed each other too much.  “I’ll bring Bull.  And his Chargers.  Bull can keep Cassandra from killing Varric, he’ll provide another distraction for Sera, and the Chargers will provide reinforcements when we confront the Red Templars.”  She didn’t add that the Qunari warrior had insisted on going when he heard about the giants.  No need to worry Cullen.  Speaking of whom, why was he frowning now?  “Problem?”

            Cullen seemed startled when she spoke to him, apparently having been lost in his own thoughts.  “No,” he said quickly, then smiled though she couldn’t help but feel it was forced.  “It’s a good grouping.  You know your people well.”  Shadow blushed at the unexpected praise.

            “It should only take a day to prepare for the journey,” said Leliana.  “I take it you’ll personally inform those who are going?”  Shadow nodded and Leliana gathered her reports.  “Then I’ll focus on sending word of your decision.”

            “I’ll see about procuring you some lodging along the way,” added Josephine.  She bowed her head.  “Inquisitor.”  Both advisors left and Shadow turned back to Cullen.

            “What’s wrong?” she asked.

            “Nothing I -”  He stopped at her disbelieving look and sighed.  “I’m just worried.”

            Shadow’s gaze softened and she rounded the table.  “About Samson.”

            “About you.”  Shadow’s eyes widened in surprise but then she smiled.

            “Cullen I’ll be -”

            “Don’t,” he cut her off.  “Don’t say you’ll be fine.”

            Shadow tilted her head.  “I was going to say I’ll be back.”  Cullen stared at her a moment before reaching out and dragging her in for a crushing hug.  Shadow returned it, hoping it brought some comfort to him.  She knew he worried when she left, but it seemed much more than that this time.

            “Take Cole,” he whispered.

            Shadow wondered why, what he was afraid might happen, but she didn’t break the hug to look up and question him.  Instead, she rested her cheek against the cool surface of his armored chest and whispered back, “Okay.”

***

            Shadow made her way up the stairs to the second level of Herald’s Rest, having just finished informing Bull and the Chargers that they would be traveling with her to the Emerald Graves.  She glanced wistfully back to the first floor as the bard started playing a dancing tune, wishing that Bull hadn’t tried to tempt her with a drink.  She sighed, wondering when she was going to be able to just sit and talk with friends while having a drink again.  Then she chuckled when she thought about how absurd to her that thought would’ve been a year ago.

            She arrived before a certain storyteller’s door and knocked, waiting until she heard him call out “Enter” to do so.  When the dwarf looked up from what he was writing and saw who it was, he smiled.  “Sneaky!  What brings you to my humble dwellings?”  His grin turned mischievous.  “Needing to hide out?”

            Shadow returned the smile and shook her head.  “No, not for a few hours.”  _Unless a messenger suddenly finds me._   “Actually I’m here on official Inquisition business.”

            Varric sat back and placed a hand on his chest, faking hurt.  “You mean to tell me that the first time you visit me after you and Curly make a move it’s to visit me as the Inquisitor?”

            Shadow felt her face grow warm.  “I – What does either of those – um, well –”

            Varric’s grin grew.  “Very well _Inquisitor_.  Business first.”  He pointed at her sternly.  “But don’t think you’re walking out that door before we return to the topic of you and Curly.”

            Shadow sighed, resigned to her fate, and leaned against the wooden wall.  “The Orlesian travel band has been lifted and we’ll be traveling to the Emerald Grave in two days.  I was hoping you’d be able to come along.”

            Varric almost chuckled.  Being the Inquisitor, the highest authority in the Inquisition, she could order him to go and he wouldn’t be able to argue.  Or rather, he would be silenced as soon as he did.  But she still asked.  She was becoming a little more comfortable with the leadership role and there were more and more times she gave orders, but when it came to her friends, she rarely did.  Unless she was annoyed or angry.

            He linked his fingers and placed his chin on top.  “So who am I playing nanny to?”

            Shadow cringed.  “I wouldn’t use that term… How did you even know I was going to ask anything like that?”

            “You and Hawke got a similar tell,” he explained, good-naturedly.  “He can be a pretty confident man but he also got a little nervous when he was wanting me to keep a certain elf and mage from killing each other.”  He laughed at Shadow’s expression.  “Which is exactly what you want me to do.”

            “Solas wouldn’t kill Sera.”  _She might kill Solas though._   “I just need your help in keeping Sera distracted and away from Solas as much as possible.  I wouldn’t call you a nanny,” she muttered.

            “I’ll do it.”  When Shadow’s expression conveyed her relief and surprise, he asked, “You thought there was a chance I’d say no to you Sneaky?”  He chuckled but then narrowed his eyes when she cringed again.  “Is there a reason for me to _think_ about saying no?”

            “What?  No! No reason.”  She looked to the door in desperation.  “I should really go talk to Sera…”

            Varric decided to return to that topic later.  There was a much better subject to investigate and his best source was about to flee.  “Not so fast Sneaky.  What did I say about walking out that door?”

            She sighed in defeat.  “It’s not like you’re looking for details right?”

            “Are there details?”  She made to protest and Varric held up a hand.  “I’m kidding Sneaky.  Besides, I wouldn’t want you to start avoiding me like you did Sparkler.”

            “I’m not avoiding Dorian,” she protested and when the dwarf arched a brow, she added, “Okay, maybe I am a little bit.”  Though not for the reasons Varric thought.  The mage had witnessed one of her episodes and almost witnessed her harming herself.  After her mind began to clear from the daze of her and Cullen’s shared confessions, she felt embarrassed that Dorian had seen her like that and had been avoiding him ever since.  But she was going to keep that to herself.

            “So you and Curly,” said Varric.  “Took you two long enough.”

            “I have heard that quite a bit the last few days,” Shadow said, a little annoyed.  “Was everybody aware –”

            “That you and Curly had feelings for each other while the two of you were blind to how the other felt?” finished Varric.  “Yes.”

            Shadow wasn’t sure if she feel more annoyed or like an idiot.  “For how long?”

            Varric tilted his head, thinking.  “With Curly, the night of the attack on Haven.”  He stared intently at Shadow.  “You didn’t see his reaction when he discovered you gone.  The man was terrified.  Well, we all were but his… it was different.”  He didn’t mention how he had seen a similar level of terror in Merrill’s eyes when the Arishok attempted to take Isabela.  Or in Hawke’s when his brother laid bleeding in the Deep Roads and his mother disappeared.  “Once we had escaped Haven and set up camp, he immediately began sending out search parties and refused to give up when they all returned empty handed and all thought you to be dead.”

            Shadow stared out the window, thinking back to that night and suppressed a shiver.  “And me?” she asked softly.

            “I started suspecting you had feelings for him that night you shared your past with us all, though I’m sure yours go as far back as Haven as well.”

            Shadow turned her gaze back to him, her eyes a little wider due to her surprise.  “That was a while ago.”

            Varric nodded.  He watched her a moment then stated, “You’ve both been fairly discrete.”

            “He – I – we both thought it would be best to take things slow, including public declarations…”

            Varric’s gaze turned to concern when she trailed off.  “Shadow, are you worried about something?”

            Shadow gave a dry laugh.  “Am I worried about something?  Varric, I’m the Inquisitor.  I’m trying to stop an ancient Tevinter Magister from destroying everything, recently discovered I have a father who sold me into slavery and would kill me if he knew who I was and there’s another Tevinter Magister that can’t ever discover I’m still alive because he would most definitely want me dead.  Then there’s this thing,” she held up the marked hand, “and the rifts… Maker what am I not worried about?”

            Varric kept his gaze unyielding.  “Are you worried about something regarding you and Cullen?”

            Shadow refused to meet his gaze and after a moment, ran a hand through her hair and muttered, “I’m worried I’m going to screw it up.”

            He had a feeling of déjà vu.  “That’s normal.”

            She looked at him.  “Worrying about screwing up or actually screwing up?”

            “Both.  Shadow at some point in time, you or Cullen, if not both of you, will screw up.  But that doesn’t need to be bad thing.”  He shrugged.  “As long as neither of you run off at the first sign of trouble and work through any issues together, it can actually strength your relationship.”  _Not speaking from personal experience of course_ , he bitterly thought, the image of a young dwarven woman flashed in his mind.  When he saw that Shadow didn’t appear more at ease he said, “Come on Sneaky those were some great words of wisdom.  Give me a smile.”

            Shadow didn’t comply.  “I’m just… this kind of relationship is new for me.  Damnit Varric, having friends has been a learning experience for me!  I don’t know what to expect, what’s expected of me… I don’t want to let Cullen down.”

            “Okay, first of all, stop thinking like that, you’ll piss me off.  Secondly, I’m almost certain that Cullen is new to this type of relationship too.”

            “He said there hadn’t been anyone special,” she murmured, her voice so low he wasn’t sure if she meant for him to hear.

            “Not that I ever saw,” he agreed.  “If it wasn’t for the handful of times Charming dragged him to the Blooming Rose, I’m not sure if he ever would’ve even touched a woman while in Kirkwall.”

            Shadow’s eyes held confusion.  “Blooming Rose?”

            “A brothel in Kirkwall’s hightown.”

            Shadow looked at the floor, not recognizing the emotion she felt nor understood why her chest seemed to hurt.  She placed a hand to her chest and said, “So he has been with a woman before?”

            Varric cringed and wondered if he said too much.  “That is probably a conversation you should have with Curly.”

            “Of course, yes.  I just…”  She kept her eyes on the floor, now even more worried about her inexperience.

            Varric narrowed his eyes.  “Would it be a problem if he has?”

            “No!” she protested.  “No it’s just… when I say I’m new to this, I mean… completely new.”  She glanced at him, her face red with embarrassment and she knew when understand came to him because his face also became a little red though nowhere near her shade.

            “Oh… I see.”  When he saw how his reaction made Shadow frown and look back down at the floor, clearly becoming more embarrassed by the second, he added, “Shadow, listen to me carefully.”  He waited to continue until she met his eyes again.  “While not exactly in the same way as you, this relationship is still new territory for Cullen as well.  I guarantee you, he is just as nervous as you.  The two of you need to learn how to navigate it together.”

            Shadow looked back at the floor, thinking on what he said.  While she was distracted, Varric quickly pulled out his pocket book and wrote down what he just said, thinking that last line would fit perfectly in the new book.  It also distracted him from the current conversation he somehow ended up having with the Inquisitor.  Not at all the information he had hoped to receive nor the advice he ever thought he would give.

            He heard a light laugh and when he looked back up, he saw the Herald smiling at him.  “This wasn’t the conversation I intended to have.”

            Varric returned a grin.  “Certainly wasn’t the one _I_ was looking for.”

            “But thank you,” she said.  “You must be getting tired of hearing about my insecurities.”

            “Never.  You just better be prepared.”  At her curious look, he explained, “One of these days, I’ll be coming to you with issues of my own.”

            She smiled.  “I’ll welcome the chance to return the favor.”  She looked at the door and stood straight.  “I need to hunt down the others.”

            “Who else it coming?”

            “You, Sera, Solas, Cole, C- ”  Shadow stumbled to a stop and quickly started again, hoping he didn’t notice.  “Um, Bull and the Chargers.”

            Varric had noticed though and remembered her earlier nervousness.  “And…”

            “Cassandra.”

            Varric frowned.  “Oh.”

            “Still working on that book?” she asked.

            “Actually,” he got up and pulled out a bound stack of parchment from a shelf, “it’s finished.”

            Shadow smiled.  “That’s great!  Why haven’t you given it to her yet?”

            He scratched at his chest.  “Been trying to find a way to do that that won’t result in her killing me.”

            “I’ll go with you.”  She shrugged when he looked at her.  “She’ll know that I told you she likes those books and will hunt me down anyways.  And I still need to ask her to come with me to the Emerald Graves.  So we both might as well as face any potential wrath together.  We can go now if you want.”

            “What about Sera and Cole?”

            Shadow opened his door and shouted, startling him, “Sera!”

            There was an answering shout, “What?”

            “You want to go with me to the Emerald Graves?”

            Sera’s head popped over the railing, revealing that the elf was hanging above the first floor by a hanging lantern.  “We going to shoot some arses?”

            Shadow shrugged.  “Probably.”

            The rogue smiled.  “I’m in!”  In her excitement, she accidently let go of the chain and fell.  A shout from Bull that he caught her soon followed and Shadow turned back to Varric.

            “Taken care of.”

            Varric shook his head in amusement.  “And the kid?”

            “He probably already knows.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a bit more focused on Cullen's insecurities and I hope to start typing that in the next week.
> 
> And thank you guys for sticking with me. You guys are super awesome!


	40. Author's Note

I was really hoping I’d never post one of these but it’s been well over a month since I last posted a chapter and I am sorry to say that it looks like it could be another before I am able to.

I want to say before any explanation that I am not abandoning this story!  I actually have the next chapter half way done and I have many notes and outlines for future chapters and am still working on this.  I’m just really struggling guys.

I’m in my final year for my undergraduate degree and I’ve been in a constant state of stress and anxiety since September and it’s really messing with my ability to focus.  I’ve tried forcing it but that only seemed to add to the stress and I’ve decided that while I’ll continue to keep thinking on this story, I’m not going to be actively working on it.  Unless fortune smiles on my and I’m suddenly hit with a force of inspiration and I’m able to get the next chapter finished.  But I’m allowing myself a break – kinda – from this fic until the end of the semester.  Or at least until I get my practicum figured out.  That’s where most of my stress is coming from.  That and graduation.

I’m going to stop right there.  I didn’t come here to unload all my problems on you guys.

I really love and appreciate you guys and it just kills me to think that I’ve let you down and I really hope that when I am able to write Shadow’s story again that you all will still be here to receive it, though I won’t blame you if you aren’t.

I’m truly sorry for this.  Thank you for all of your kudos and comments.  You have no idea just how much I value every single one of those.  I hope – _pray_ – that I am able to give you more chapters soon.


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